April 17, 2007
‘My boss likes to hit me’
I love the place where I work but have an ongoing issue with my boss. Every so often, as a joke and usually for something trivial, he hits me – not with his fist, of course, but with a rolled-up newspaper or a book – and although it’s in jest it strikes me as inappropriate, and occasionally leaves bruises. I wouldn’t want to bring this up in case it escalates into anything more serious, but what can I do? He doesn’t do it to anyone else. I think it is a sign of favouritism. We really do get on well, and I don’t want to spoil that.
I suggest you bring it up BEFORE it escalates into something more serious as it implies he’s either a bully or he fancies you. If you get on as well as you say you do, it should be no problem. Just take him aside and say “I’d really prefer it if you didn’t do that because it is actually quite sore”. It should do the trick without making a big deal out of it, but you must make it clear that you are serious about it. It’s up to you to put your foot down as no-one else will do it for you. (I’m assuming you are female, by the way! If not then clearly this might not be the best advice!!)
(Analyst, female, 30)
Posted by: A. Anderson | April 18th, 2007 at 8:52 am | Report this commentHave you never seen a football match? The answer is to pretend to be hurt. Next time this guy moves to hit you, turn away from him, so it looks like you aren’t expecting it. Perhaps pick up a cup of secretly cold coffee you have prepared. As he hits you, stumble into some nearby furniture, or spill some of the coffee on your hand, and act as though you are in some mild pain. Don’t go mad with the overracting, but make sure it’s clear that you’re hurt.
When he asks “Are you ok?”, be really nice to him. Rather than threatening to sue, say “Oh, i’m fine, these things happen. It might be best to stop this hitting thing though, just in case.” He’ll agree as it dawns on him that he took things too far, and he’ll like you even more for not kicking up a fuss about it.
Analyst, 23, Male
Posted by: Anonymous | April 18th, 2007 at 9:10 am | Report this commentMale Banker, 38
Men show affection with other men physically. Unlike women where dear girlfriends will protect and nurture each other, men will hit each other - the harder they hit, the stronger the bond. Guys won’t walk up to a casual acquaintance and punch them, however they won’t think twice about punching a close mate on the shoulder.
Posted by: Anonymous | April 18th, 2007 at 9:26 am | Report this commentAs Mum used to say “Hit him back”.
Of course he might like it…
So make it clear in to him in an equally playful way, that if he does it again you will beat his Neanderthal A*se with a rolled-up law suit.
Posted by: Chris McLaughlin | April 18th, 2007 at 10:18 am | Report this commentHit him back. And up the ante. If he hits you with The Metro then strike back with The Telegraph (remove the free DVD first). If he hits you with a Harry Potter then return the favour with the Yellow Pages. His peccadillo will be too punishing for him to maintain for long. The beatings will cease and you’ll still have his respect.
Posted by: Director, male, 32 | April 18th, 2007 at 10:22 am | Report this commentMaybe you should watch episode 3.24 of Friends. The one where Chandler keeps getting slapped on the behind by his boss. May give you some ideas on how (not) to deal with your problem. And have a good laugh while you’re at it.
Female Marketeer, 34
Posted by: Anonymous | April 18th, 2007 at 12:00 pm | Report this commentYou say that you like your job, but your boss sometimes hits you and occasionally leaves bruises? Are you sure this is the place for you? Even if it is typical male behavior, as one reader replied, the fact that you mentioned it at all shows that you are not comfortable with his “affectionate” punches. If you would like to stay at this job, either address the issue directly with your boss, as a one-one conversation, or if you cannot talk to him, involve human resources or another contact at your firm. Seems like the friendliest route would be the first option - a direct, though polite, confrontation. But, if you’re beyond friendly, work with another to resolve this issue. Best of luck.
Analyst/Assistant, female, 30s
Posted by: Anonymous | April 18th, 2007 at 5:31 pm | Report this commentOh dear. It seems that various readers are barking up wrong trees. The person who wrote to me with this problem is a man. I should have made that clear at the outset. As to the sexual orientation of his boss, I have no idea.
Posted by: lucy kellaway | April 18th, 2007 at 5:41 pm | Report this commentDear Lucy,
Do not worry, the same thing happens to me. A colleague of mine hits me ocasionally. I agree with other comments, he likes you!!! Just laugh and ask for a less hard punch.
rgds
Blanca.
Posted by: Blanca | April 18th, 2007 at 6:41 pm | Report this commentIt’s obvious your boss knows what he’s doing and you should be aware. When you have a moment (make one) take him aside and tell him clearly and concisely that you do not appreciate him hitting you with the newspaper and ask him to stop. Watch his reaction. If it’s positive (apology etc) fine but if it’s anything else (which I’m sure it will be) take the message loud and clear. You don’t really get on well with him. He gets away with it because you let him and he knows that. He’s a bully.
Posted by: 51; Male;People Management Consultant | April 18th, 2007 at 9:18 pm | Report this commentIf a man slaps another man on the back with his hand–perhaps even letting that hand linger momentarily (but, not for too long, of course)–that is indeed man-code for either “Yer al’right, mate!” from a social equal or “Attaboy!” from a superior male. Curiously, your boss hits you with an object, which increases the leverage of his blows, distances him from you physically, and avoids the intimacy of that hand-to-back contact. If you are bruising, I am wondering if he is even striking you on the soft tissue of your arms or midriff. That would be quite different from a traditional pat on the less pliant upper back. Did your boss go to public school? Seriously, this seems like something contrary to the usual male bonding stuff. Maybe your boss stalked all the cubicle-dwellers and then found one that he could separate from the herd. Perhaps you have become his (literal) whipping boy for that which ails his psyche. All the passive solutions described above play to what your boss has sussed out, namely that you are more compliant than the average person. And, are these attentions truly unwanted? Through either submission or desire, you have characterized them as affectionate. Good luck, whatever course you take, but you might want to step back and look at the larger picture. I sincerely doubt that this is the only person in your life that is victimizing you. For your own sake, do find constructive ways to assert your personal boundary. (And tighten up your relationships with your fellow gazelles–have they not been able to offer some advice and support?)
Posted by: 49, Unemployed Managing Director, Male | April 18th, 2007 at 10:56 pm | Report this commentMy lively Labrador puppy used to jump up and attack my genitals every time I came home. After mainly painful incidents I found the solution: I feigned great pain, fell to floor with my hands cupping my private parts, making noises of great agony the dog recognized as such. He had his tail between his legs for the rest of the evening, and never jumped up again.
Next time your boss hits you, make sure he knows how much it hurt. Feign an injury, take the day off and go to a hospital. Don bandages for a week - they come in fashionable colours these days. There’s even a Prada arms sling!
Posted by: Marten Weber | April 19th, 2007 at 5:07 am | Report this commentMake loud, inappropriate-for-office, “turned on” noises next time…
Banker, male, 34
Posted by: Anonymous | April 19th, 2007 at 10:59 am | Report this commentI’m also thinking about the episode of Friends. And if it doesn’t work, you may plan a comedy!
You should gently punch a colleague or hit him with a book/newpaper (in front of your boss).
Afterwards, your colleague could blame you and explain that it is not accceptable.
OR
You have also the choice to tell him the truth. You have to react before it goes too far (even though you are a male).
Posted by: 29/Male/accountant | April 19th, 2007 at 12:32 pm | Report this commentYour boss’s behavior is outrageous. Ask him if he saw the episode of “The Office” in which David Brent hit people with a rolled up newspaper. Whatever the answer, claim that you believe it resulted in Slough’s most famous savant opining “If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail”.
Posted by: Ironybrew. 57, Retired, Male | April 20th, 2007 at 1:56 pm | Report this commentIt’s quite simple. Tell him to stop hitting you. If you fear you are unable to say it with sufficient menace, authority and aggression, watch back-to-back every Clint Eastwood film that you can lay your hands on and get into character.
Posted by: Fiona Hayes | April 23rd, 2007 at 11:29 am | Report this comment45, Researcher, Female
To my opinion you have 3 options:
Posted by: Consultant, 32, Female | April 24th, 2007 at 8:32 am | Report this comment- Do nothing, I guess if you posted your issue to the public opinion is because it bothers you and you do not know exactly how to stop it. Thus this option would create more frustration in you.
- Tell him nicely that you do not mind his friendly patting but that sometimes he has a heavy hand. He may not be even aware of his own strength. There is a slight chance he won’t appreciate your remark. Then every time he’d have an urge to pat you, he’ll think of what you said and it’ll frustrate him.
- Make him realise that he might have gone over the board. For me, that would be the best solution, he will be the most motivated to do it too. For that you have to play a little subtle theatre that will hopefully trigger the understanding in you boss.
Hit him back, hard. When I was pregnant I hated people putting their hands on my belly, so I’d put my hand on theirs whenever they did. They soon got the message.
Posted by: Aid worker, female, 30s. | May 1st, 2007 at 5:02 pm | Report this commentAid worker, female, 30s
Do you make a habit of turning simple issues into moral dilemmas worthy of Dostoyevsky? No wonder people want to smack you in the head. The next time you see your boss playfully hefting a newspaper or book, look him in the eye and say, “Don’t hit me with that. Because I don’t actually like it.” Then he won’t hit you with it any more.
Posted by: Director, male, 37 | May 1st, 2007 at 5:05 pm | Report this commentIt’s not only inappropriate. It could be battery, actionable without having to prove damages. But if you really savour this favouritism, I suggest you get some training. Next time, react swiftly, catching his arm before it reaches you. You will then look cool and smart.
Posted by: Law student, male, 21 | May 1st, 2007 at 5:08 pm | Report this commentBuy a replica of a medieval knight’s shield. Carry the shield around and block his books and papers with it. You will look ridiculous and he will question why you would carry such a silly thing around the office. Respond in a humorous way that you are trying to protect your body from physical harm. He will realise how silly he is for hitting you in jest.
Posted by: Dreamer, male, 30 | May 1st, 2007 at 5:09 pm | Report this commentWhen I was eight I had a piano teacher who used to hit me in jest. He would punch my arm in slow motion, exclaiming “My dear girl!” It wasn’t painful, but I didn’t like it.
Posted by: Lucy Kellaway | May 1st, 2007 at 5:19 pm | Report this commentThis was partly because I was tiny and he was enormous, but also because there was a suppressed violence to it. I was bad at playing the piano, and the mannered punch felt like a substitute for what he surely wanted to do – to beat me to a pulp for my halting version of “Für Elise”. I couldn’t tell him to stop because I was a child, and children didn’t tell off adults in those days.
Your case is different. You are not eight, although your message makes you sound as if you might be. Your boss doesn’t think you are useless, he thinks you are great. If you get on well, you should be able to say: please don’t do that. Given that he sometimes hits you hard (your mention of bruises is a little alarming) you could simply squeal “Ow! That hurt!”, which surely should do the trick.
Your fear that bringing it up could make things “escalate into something more serious” makes me uneasy. What serious thing did you have in mind? Surely the worst thing that could happen is that he would think you a wimp, which wouldn’t be the end of the world.
Also odd is your acknowledgement that the whacks are a sign of favouritism, and that you don’t want to spoil that. Favouritism that expresses itself in blows doesn’t sound like something worth preserving.
It’s possible that the blows are a clumsy attempt at flirtation. If that’s the case, you should definitely say something now – if you continue to laugh along, you may find you have a bigger problem on your hands.
Dear hesitant cricketer, Sounds like you have little to lose by responding enthusiastically, even if you’re out for a duck. This cricket team is a great opportunity to raise your profile and show some flair - why not ask your boss if you can help organise this cricket venture. Running your boss out could be a problem, but if you’re involved in team organisation you can propose your boss as an opening batsman, your more senior colleagues near the top, and yourself somewhere near the end of the batting order. That way your office comrades will be squirming with the run-out issue. Incidentally the batting order should be published as early as possible to maximise the sweating time!
Posted by: John Bird | May 9th, 2007 at 3:25 am | Report this commentDirector, male,50’s
give your boss a DVD with Friends 3.24 episode. He’ll get it.
Posted by: carol | May 9th, 2007 at 12:45 pm | Report this commentThat is funny, really. I thought such things can never happen at work where everyone is an adult and polite person who knows well norms of corporate behaviour.
Posted by: Anna,23, female, specialist in marketing | April 16th, 2008 at 5:25 am | Report this comment