April 24, 2007
‘Why do I have to choose between love and interesting work?’
Two years ago I started a new job as a management trainee at a large and well-known company. The job is great and I’ve been told that I’m in the fast track and have been identified as someone with genuine leadership potential. Recently I was offered the most sort-after posting for recent trainees - a year’s stint in our New York office working on a very exciting new project. This is completely my ideal job, but my difficulty is that it would mean leaving my boyfriend behind. We haven’t been going out for long, and I fear our relationship won’t survive a 12 month absence. He is a junior hospital doctor who works very long hours and so won’t be able to come to see me in New York at all. He says he’s sure we can work something out, and says I should do it, but I’m not sure. Part of me wants to tell my boss the truth, but I fear it will make me look really drippy and as if I’m not committed. This isn’t fair - I am committed to my job, but I don’t see why I should be put in the position where I have to choose between love and interesting work. Surely I should be able to have both?
You are kidding, right? You sound like my five-year-old complaining about how unfair it is that he can’t have sausages for his supper every night. My guess is that this is the first time in your life when you have not been able to have exactly what you want, when you want it?
And it’s tough, no? Life sucks like that. But get used to it, because the next 30 years are going to be full of choices of this kind, and whining about how unfair it is won’t help.
I’m not unsympathetic to your plight. It is a horrible quandary, but you have to make a choice, and only you can make it.
If it was me, I would be asking myself these questions: (1) Do I see this relationship as being long term serious? (2) Will our relationship survive a tough year apart? (3) Will my opportunity to go to NYC ever arise again? (4) Will it kill my career not to go, or merely make life slightly less interesting?
The answer probably lies in your response to the first question. If this junior doctor really is “the one for you”, follow the course of action that enables you to maintain the relationship. A year in NY is not difficult to achieve. Finding the right partner is a much tougher trick.
Good luck. But please, enough with the spoiled brat routine.
Posted by: Consultant, Male, 36 | April 24th, 2007 at 5:37 pm | Report this commentGo … as mum always said, you have to treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen. And if it doesn’t work out, who says there aren’t potential boyfriends in NY?
Director, Female, 30s
Posted by: AW | April 25th, 2007 at 3:00 am | Report this commentStop moaning and make your choice. What is it exactly you would like? Your junior doctor to quit his job and follow you? Or your company to move the NY job to you? Life is about choices, compromises and work-arounds. The best things in life come packaged that way. Your partner advises you to give it a go, so give it a go and get on with it. You are the only obstacle and you certainly appear “drippy”. Stop complaining and feeling hard done by. Make your decision (be it to go or not to go) and then MAKE YOUR CHOICE WORK SOMEHOW. That is what sorts the winners from the losers. You can have it all …but it requires putting in so much more than you seem prepared to put in. It you depart from the premise that it wont work then it certainly wont work.
Posted by: 41, COO, Male | April 25th, 2007 at 3:38 am | Report this commentTake the posting. You are focusing on what you might lose, not what you might gain, and you have no idea what the future holds.
Your relationship shouldn’t be about conditions. Speak to your boss and arrange that you can have a little more vacation (in the US you’ll generally be given two weeks, but I’m sure you’ll keep your UK contract, so you’ll have at least four). Maybe they will give you six weeks, so you are home for about 9 days every two months.
If it doesn’t work with your boyfriend then it’s not meant to. Yes, it’s tough, but you only get one shot at life and you’ve a duty to the family you may have one day to pass on the experiences and wisdom you can gain to them. OK, that may seem presumptious, but you see where I am coming from.
Treat it as a journey in life, not a job posting.
Posted by: Luthers | April 25th, 2007 at 3:38 am | Report this commentIt is most certainly possible to have everything you want. The man and the job. It just depends on if he’s the right man. I left Australia 10 months ago, after a week of utter romance with a wonderful man. Granted we were friends well before we started a relationship. A month ago I was lucky enough to be offered my dream job, a reporting role with a newspaper, in London. When I told my boyfriend he was more than supportive and I had his absolute assurance that I could have as much time as I needed to pursue my career - and he would always be there. We have absolutely no intentions or breaking up despite being on opposite sides of the globe and each of us working very long hours. It is difficult, but a strong relationship also means each of you need to be independent enough to follow your own paths. It’s not “drippy” to admit you’re reluctant to take a position in another country, not only because of your boyfriend but you will be away from friends and family. It’s a major adjustment whatever way you look at it. But never turn down a position that you’ve always wanted. Especially since no children are involved and you aren’t married. If it’s meant to be both of you will work at it. If he’s the right man he will give you the time and commitment you need to achieve your career goals and have the relationship. Perhaps consider if you don’t take the position, will you always wonder ‘what if’?
Posted by: Nicki | April 25th, 2007 at 8:25 am | Report this commentHard to tell someone else what to do, but I would go to NY. A great job that you really like is very very hard to find. Add to that the fact that you are good at it, well, I’d have a hard time turning that down.
NY is not that far. You could split the cost of occasional long weekend trips and holidays to London. If your boyfriend works long hours anyway, it may not be that bad.
If you go and it works out with your bf, then you get the best of both worlds. If it doesn’t work, then at least you got some great experience. If you stay and it doesn’t work out, you may look back and regret passing up an awesome opportunity.
Also, if you did decide to stay, would it put a lot of pressure on your bf? I mean, if my boyfriend passed up the opportunity of his dreams just to stay near me, it would be afraid that it would put a lot of pressure on me and the relationship.
Good luck!
Posted by: Christine | April 25th, 2007 at 8:28 am | Report this commentTAKE THE JOB. Your boyfriend will be too busy to meet anyone else, and you’ll be too busy securing an exciting future for yourself to worry about what 12 months of distance might do to your relationship (it might even be good for your relationship). Now is the time to set a precedent that you’re determined to make both work — you can only do that by taking your own prospects seriously. If he’s a good enough man to support your pursuing your goals as he pursues his, take advantage of that because there are still a lot of men who won’t go near a woman who isn’t inclined to make her goals take second place to his. Live it up and take New York by storm.
Posted by: Anon | April 25th, 2007 at 8:39 am | Report this commentIdeally both work and love life would be strong enough to survive two things: 1 - the honest conversation about the difficult situation you find yourself in; and 2 - a decision that, on the face of it, appears to favour ‘the other side’. I.e., a good boss will understand that hesitating or declining a good opportunity for the sake of your love life is a sign of a normal, healthy human being; not a lack of commitment. And a serious long term prospect of a boyfriend will understand that your work is important to you. My advice would be to ask both, individually, for help. Ask the boss what he or she can do to make separation easier: perhaps a quarterly visit home, use of a fast internet connection so you can video chat, flexibility in arranging your holiday to match your boyfriend’s, etc. As long as you are genuinely trying to make it work for everyone involved I suspect (and hope, in 2007!) you’ll find that you’ll get a lot of cooperation. And only you can decide, in the end, what the best course of action is. Good luck!
Posted by: Jan-Peter Onstwedder, 46, male | April 25th, 2007 at 8:53 am | Report this comment“This isn’t fair - I am committed to my job, but I don’t see why I should be put in a position where I have to choose between love and interesting work. Surely I should be able to have both?”
This IS drippy. Tough choices are part of growing up. What you’re asking for is a physical impossibility, given the constraints you’ve presented.
You sound like someone who also thinks life owes her a right to be a full time mother without it affecting her career, no matter how much everyone else has to bend around this. Not all constraints are due to evil bosses or discrimination. When you come up against the number of hours in the day and physical limits, you have to start making choices.
You need to work out what you want from the situation, then go after it. Telling your boss it’s a really bad time for you and you want to do it next year is reasonable - as long as you make your decision, present it clearly, and stop whining about life not being fair.
Banker, 26, male
Posted by: Anonymous | April 25th, 2007 at 9:03 am | Report this commentthe myth that you can have everything is true !
Posted by: Anonymous | April 25th, 2007 at 9:59 am | Report this commentyou won’t have the perfect relationship/family and you won’t have the perfect career but you can have both, you just need to work at them both equally hard.
i just spent 7 months away from my boyfriend with the only contact being twice weekly phone calls over skype. neither of us knew when we could see each other but both of us knew we wanted to be together. i’m going away again in a couple of months for another year, possibly two. This time we have the two key issues for any long distance relationship sorted out.
1)We have a long-term plan and how we are achieving it is a work in progress, I move here, he moves there…
2) We have our short term visits planned - every three months
You seem to work hard at your career, why not work hard at your relationship ? After all, it’s a much more important endeavour than the career, no ?
Are you mad? You have worked hard to establish credibilty with your employer. You have done so. As a result, you have been offered this plum posting before others. It would be very drippy indeed to turn it down. And let’s call a spade a spade, it would show that you are not committed, or at least not as committed as others. Life is full of tough choices. We’ve all been there. You seem to me to be in a great position - you have your offer and your supportive boyfriend says go. Where’s the problem?
Manager, Female, 39
Posted by: Anonymous | April 25th, 2007 at 11:49 am | Report this commentNever put your job before love.
Posted by: Al. CFO, 34 | April 25th, 2007 at 12:33 pm | Report this commentBut if he’s the right person your relation will survive 12 months of flying between NY and London, and if he’s not the right person, why should you renounce?
I’ve done it myself, I’ll marry my girlfriendand this year, after spending a year flying up and down to keep the relation where it deserves.
I also think you can have everything! Been in a similar position myself, I took the job, left my country and boyfriend and well, 3 years down the line I’m still here and engaged to a british guy! (I’m from Spain by the way)
I try not to plan too much in advance. I agree that if you stay just because of your boyfriend will put an extraordinary pressure on him & the relationship. My main reason to say yes to the job was I didn’t want ever to find myself saying in a heated argument “I stayed because of you”… because I know the only one to blame for that decision is myself.
Also, it’s only a year!! If it’s your ideal job, take it!! If it’s “the one” a year apart is nothing, especially if you both work long hours. If he is not, if you leave you wouldn’t lose anything you wouldn’t have lost at some point anyway…
Good luck!
Posted by: Lawyer, Female, 28 | April 25th, 2007 at 1:17 pm | Report this commentManaging Director, Male, 48
Just go to NY if that makes you happy. If you are not happy, you will never make your partner and your relationship happy. And no, you cannot always have both things. Life is about making choices all the time.
Posted by: Anonymous | April 25th, 2007 at 2:19 pm | Report this commentIf you turn down NY, I can guarantee you will not be on the fast track anymore, but will be included in the pool who won’t be promoted beyond VP. There is no guarantee that your current BF will be your life long partner, therefore risking your fast track opportunity may be a very short sighted decision. True love will survive distance and time (w/in reason and NY for 12 months is). Unfortunately in professional life we are all replacable and if you don’t embrace the opportunities when they are presented to you, you will be left behind. If you have ambitions for a “career” (not a “job”), go to NY and improve your skill set. It will open plenty of new doors for you. Both intellectually and socially. The only time you are allowed to cry out “unfair” is when you have to choose between your family (husband, children) and career. There’s nothing unfair about your situation, just one of the elementary tests to see if you have what it takes. Female, 36, Managing Director
Posted by: Anonymous | April 25th, 2007 at 2:32 pm | Report this commentWhat is the worst thing that could happen if you took the job? Finding out that your relationship did not survive? I’m guessing this is not the only long-term absence from home you will experience in a job such as yours. And if things won’t work out, it’s better to find that out now than later. But if they do - it may even strengthen your relationship.
Just recently, I accepted a similar offer for a 6-month posting abroad. I had just started dating someone at that time, and I knew very well that my absence could be fatal for the relationship - but on the other hand, I thought, six months is not that long (I’ve survived much worse).
And guess what? Things didn’t work out. (Maybe they would have if I stayed at home.) Am I sorry that I took the job then? Not for a second. Even though I’m sad and bitter about the relationship ending this way, and despite the job turning out to be not quite what I expected, I don’t regret making the choice I made.
Even knowing then what I know now, I would still choose to go. You live, you learn.
Posted by: Tamara | April 25th, 2007 at 2:41 pm | Report this commentYou are young, no kids, not married; this is a perfect time to take this work opportunity. You are happy with your partner today, but who can tell what will happen tomorrow. If one of you decides to stop, you’ll be regretting the work opportunity that you let passing by. Then you’ll be saying: “How sad I did it for an unworthy person”.
It is difficult to find your second half, but if he is really your other half, he’ll support you. After all you won’t go on the moon, few hours with a plain and you can see each other.
I lived in quite a few countries and from experience can tell that the distance imposes certain constrains, but it breaks only relations that would not last anyhow. I met my husband when I was living in country A, going often for work in country B, while he was in country C. For more then a year we saw each other every few weeks and spent holidays together. Then we made steps to live together in a country D. So really, all depends on how both parties are willing to be with each other.
Look at good sides of the situation: you’ll miss each other, every meeting you’ll have will be very romantic, you won’t have huge phone bills as you can talk through internet, you’ll have free time to do things you want, you’ll meet lots of new and hopefully interesting people, and you’ll experience a new country and culture and see many new places. You now, 12 months is so short after all, you won’t see it passing.
Posted by: Consultant, female, 32 | April 25th, 2007 at 3:00 pm | Report this commentI work in finance, and at the ripe age of 23 I’m already woefully tired of this corporate rhetoric that tries to convince you that a dream job can make up for a miserable personal life. No, the “dream job” becomes your personal life and makes you into a more one-dimensional person, rewarding work or not. My boyfriend of almost two years moved to Europe two months ago and did so only because of visa problems, but for sure we’d have worked out a compromise between his and my interests to stay in the same place if the US government didn’t meddle. The advice I have to give is very simple, don’t try to find all of your fulfillment in your work, you’ll spend all of your time looking for it and never find it.
Posted by: Finance Analyst, 23 | April 25th, 2007 at 3:01 pm | Report this commentAge 39
Occupation: Team Manager for a Bank
Gender: Female
In my experience you need to do whatever will make you happy. Can you go to NY on a trial basis and come back if it makes you unhappy? If your guy is the one he will wait while you try this option. Your boss should understand. I agree with the comment posted by Mr Onstwedder - very sensible advice. NY is a fantastic opportunity and you should grab every opportunity you can if it makes you happy - that is the key. I would talk to your boss about your fears and see what your options are.
Posted by: SG | April 25th, 2007 at 3:39 pm | Report this commentAnalyst, 27, Female
Wow, this must be a joke posting! Not only do you sound incredibly drippy and uncommitted but your attitude to relationships appears rather teenage: you are thinking of passing up your dream job for a new relationship with uncertain prospects which you admit might not even be strong enough to survive 12 months of “absence” (in reality you could probably fly over at least once every six weeks to see him). To say nothing of the pressure you would unfairly be putting on your boyfriend by staying put ‘for him’. Maybe this is the right time to stop and consider whether you really are top management material. The fact that you are having such problems grappling with this non-choice may be more telling than a few positive employee appraisal sessions.
Posted by: Anonymous | April 25th, 2007 at 4:57 pm | Report this commentAre you telling us that your doctor boyfriend will not have any vacation time during the 12 month period? That is insane. He should bargain for time off so that he can visit you, say, twice, one week each.
And, are you saying that you won’t get any vacation time? Nonsense. You should bargain for two weeks, so you can visit him twice, one week each time.
That’s four weeks seeing each other over 52 weeks. One week per quarter. Not too bad.
Go for the job. The visits will confirm whether the relationship will hold.
Posted by: 58, manager, male | April 25th, 2007 at 6:32 pm | Report this commentPresumably you have been given the professional opportunity because you are mature and a valued employee. If you refuse the secondment because of your love life, you likely will be viewed by your employer as neither mature nor valuable. Moreover, if your relationship cannot survive 1 year apart, then it is not on solid ground to start. How will you feel in 6 months or even 6 years when the boyfriend is history and you sacrificed your career for nothing? Relationships come and go, but a good job is a rarity.
By the way, I left a boyfriend behind to move overseas for 15 months for my career. We survived just fine and saw each other only once. Cheap telephone rates and the Internet make it easy.
Posted by: 36, attorney, female | April 25th, 2007 at 8:28 pm | Report this commentTo be honest, I find all the other comments terribly naive. Because the thing is: unless your wonderful young doctor moves with you & starts working in a hospital in NYC, you obviously cannot have it all.
It’s just crazy to want to do the long distance thing if you haven’t been going out for all that long. If you were married, or engaged, or had been going out for a couple of years, maybe. But still, I must say that I don’t believe in these long distance relationships. You will usually catch each other on the phone in completely different moods & times of the day, and when you’re not physically with each other, it’s hard to read each other’s minds. You just end up wasting a lot of money on flights and phone calls & it’s simply not worth it.
NYC is one of the most exciting cities in the world. I’m afraid that, if you do the long distance thing, you won’t get to enjoy the city as much - since the other will get jealous if you are having too much fun. Plus, it’s a city full of attractive single people.
My advice: go to NYC and let each other free for a year. When you come back, you can see where things stand.
Posted by: 28, consultant, male | April 25th, 2007 at 9:09 pm | Report this commentI am trully shocked to read most of the comments. They are not only full of cliches such as “if you BF is the right guy he will wait” (how is she going to find out if he is the right one not being with him?)but, more importantly, I find it so sad to learn that FT readers are so cold, unromantic and calculated. I am not going to renew my subscription as I don’t want to be one of them. Love is what matters most!
Posted by: Iwona | April 25th, 2007 at 10:43 pm | Report this commentIf you love doesn’t survive 12 months’ absence then it won’t survive a 30-50 years’ marriage.
Posted by: Olga, Ice Rink Manager, 33, Female | April 25th, 2007 at 11:24 pm | Report this commentMe and my eventually-to-be-husband spent 2 years apart when I went to study in the UK. We got married when I got a job offer here and he moved to UK to join me. The next 5 years together had been way more challenging in many aspects than 2 years apart. Think of this assignment as an opportunity to test drive your relationship. If you are in it for a long haul, you will discover that there are so many ways to touch each other - a phone call, an e-mail, a gift ordered by Internet - that you’ll soon forget that there’s a physical distance between you.
If you were a sailor, it would not be a question that you have to ship out for a year. It’s just part of the job. With Globalization, we’re all sailors to a degree. I turned down a management position abroad to be with a woman. We broke up 6 months later. The Russian poet Yesenin once wrote, “From love no one demands promises.” At least your employer will provide you with a contract.
Posted by: 29, Analyst, Male | April 26th, 2007 at 3:43 am | Report this commentTake the job and keep this guy ! Your employer says that you have leadership qualifications….why do you need to think about this question then ? Even more if the doc says go…12 months is nothing and there are regular flights to and from NY and I am sure from time to time you can organise to see each other a long weekend or so. Ah yes….and make sure you both have a webcam at home…also helps
Posted by: banker (33), male, zurich | April 26th, 2007 at 8:48 am | Report this commentGo for the job. And when you do, don’t give ANY hint to your boss that you are not 100% committed. You’ve got to be bursting with enthusiasm to maintain his confidence in you. Of course you must ask him about holiday allowance - everyone needs to be able to make plans - but don’t dwell on it. These chances don’t come very often. Bear in mind that you might be asked to stay on after 12 months, though - be prepared for that if it happens, but having accepted this posting there presumably won’t be a problem if you say you’d rather come back. Plenty of other men out there if this relationship doesn’t survive, but you are going to have to work hard at it if it is to do. Don’t expect to have four weeks together out of 52, though, as someone has suggested above. He does have other people that he will want to spend his holidays with, as you do too.
Analyst, female, 30
Posted by: A. Anderson | April 26th, 2007 at 10:13 am | Report this commentMost large international companies practice some form of career development planning, whether formal or informal. In most companies one “weak reason” refusal to take an international post will class you as a “One Nation Only” employee, restricting your prospects and even in the best companies two such refusals will classify you as an ONO. New York is habitable, the predominant local language is similar to English, personal internet video-conferencing is near enough free, travel to the UK is extremely cheap, you and your boyfriend will have a combined total leave entitlement of at least six weeks, and you will probably have opportunities to travel to the UK on business. On the face of it, your reason for refusal of the post would rightly be classed as being closer to “feeble” than “weak”.
Try to ensure that the “very exciting new project” requires an element of co-ordination with the London office, develop a firm, if spurious, belief that Mondays and/or Fridays work best for meetings in London, join all the frequent flyer programs and accept the job.
Posted by: Ironybrew, 57, Retired, Male | April 26th, 2007 at 11:04 am | Report this commentYou don’t say where the head office of the company is located. Assuming that it is London, at this early stage in your career there is little danger of suffering “ex-patriot career blight”.
At a later stage in your career, when you have a stunning reputation for fulfilling a permanent role, there can be a career danger in setting off abroad basking in the glow of a great reputation at head office. It is in the nature of any organization’s managers to always believe that they are constantly improving performance. Whilst you are abroad doing a great job, the head office organization will inadvertently conspire to believe that the next incumbent in your former head office role is fulfilling that role better than it has ever been fulfilled.
This isn’t personal, it’s just that from the CEO down, everyone in the organization tends to convince themselves that the “reports” they have appointed and/or “coached” are producing better results than ever before achieved. When you return to head office from a mid-career posting abroad, your “glow of a great reputation at head office” may well now be a distant glimmer. You are likely to be unpleasantly surprised by the unfair change in your reputation and incensed at some perfectly sound decisions you took some time ago being presented as errors and you will feel you have been shut out from any recent successes of the organization.
But at the current stage of your career you don’t have that risk. You have the best possible opportunity to stick “international experience” on your CV before returning to a new role at head office, where you can merrily espouse the prevailing view of your contemporaries, that new management trainees aren’t as good as they used to be.
Posted by: Ironybrew, 57, Retired, Male | April 27th, 2007 at 1:14 am | Report this commentTake the NY job. Imagine all the possibilities. The NY job will always be a plus in your resume, and you might not have a chance again. You’re very young. You will meet enough young eligible men in NY, London, etc if your current love doesn’t work out. Besides, in this day and age, technology allows better chances of sustaining a relationship — think email, texting, 3g phones, webcams, instant messengers… budget airlines. You can make it work if you guys really want to. Take the NY job!
41, General Manager, Female
Posted by: Anonymous | April 27th, 2007 at 3:31 am | Report this commentChoices, choices, choices! That’s life. And only you can make them. But if were in your shoes, I would surely accept the job and put in extra effort into a relationship, that might prove long term and worthwhile. A New York-London relationship is not all that bad. In addition, it’s good to “stress test” relationships once in a while… you’ll find a lot of answers this way!
Banker, Female, 27
Posted by: Anonymous | April 27th, 2007 at 4:45 am | Report this commentYou should definitely take the job. For sure, it will stand you in good stead for the rest of your career and it will provide you with a great experience. It is a tough choice but I am certain that moaning to your employer about it will not help. I am moving back to the UK today after 3 years in Scandinavia. I started a relationship with an Irish girl half way through those 3 years and it was tough as we rarely saw each other but we are still going strong today. If you both want it to work out you will find a way but it has to be both of you. Your career is totally down to you so at least you can decide that.
Posted by: Anonymous | April 27th, 2007 at 9:19 am | Report this commentRichard 30, CFO.
Don’t go if you don’t feel like it.The international posting thing won’t do you any harm if you say no.There are other firms and other times.Why on earth would you want to work in New York? It’s cramped, dirty,nobody speaks English,except for that awful drawling, poor manners. OK cabs are cheap, but it’s best not to choose to work there.It’s a very uncouth culture. London isn’t that much better but at least you know what you’re getting. I don’t know about your boyfriend, and am not in a position to comment. NY is so similar to London that it hardly counts as international experience anymore anyway. It’s only people coming from NY to Lon who seem to think that.Remember today’s fast track managers is tomorrow’s redundancy candidate.Ignore all this career nonsense, it’s usually least able,least interesting and most insecure people who are career chasers. Say no - it doesn’t interest you and then leave and go somewhere else or just ignore it.Opportunities are in the least expected places and times. good luck. Chill out young Lady
Posted by: Farley Hill | April 27th, 2007 at 12:17 pm | Report this commentA short term relationship with someone you barely know versus a great job in the best city in the world? No contest. You are young, dont waste the opportunity, it may never be presented to you again. NY is the best city to be young and single in. If you really miss him, you’ll be back in a year anyway. Get on with it.
Posted by: Anonymous | April 27th, 2007 at 2:07 pm | Report this commentYour boyfriend says it will work out and is clearly sympathetic, so you have the best of both worlds. Why are you doubting him? If the relationship can’t last for a year apart, it’s not likely to last for the rest of your life together. You are young and unattached - there will be plenty of time later in life to commit to a relationship and other responsibilities, and then you’ll be looking back with nostalgia on this period of your life and wish that you’d taken the chance of a lifetime while you were able. Don’t let yourself have those regrets.
Posted by: Anonymous | May 1st, 2007 at 2:50 pm | Report this commentWhen I was twenty years old I spent a delightful summer working in the UK and met my future husband. He was training as an accountant and I was due to go back to Denmark to start a banking trainee course which would last 3 years minimum before I could hope for a posting to London. Lots of tears were shed at my departure but we kept in touch and managed to see each other approximately every 6 weeks or so. This was 25 years ago and we are now married. Things can work out if you believe in them. Don’t tell your boss about your doubts; these are of a personal nature and he cannot possibly advice you, but may well have doubts about your commitment as a result.This is a fantastic opportunity which will be so much harder to realise later in life when you may have other commitments on your hands. Go for it !
Posted by: Karin, 46, banker | May 4th, 2007 at 1:14 pm | Report this commentYour assignment is for 12 months. Even if it is 100% awful, which sounds unlikely, you can see the end of it, right from the start. Been there, done that, got a drawer full of tee shirts. As others have said, go; it will do both of you good and if you stay together, your relationship will be stronger, if you split, well so what. If the boot was on the other foot, what would your view be? Reflect on many families where dad goes off alone to some grubby part of the world for long stretches to provide more for his family. You’re only thinking of one person - you.
Retired engineer, 63
Posted by: angus | May 8th, 2007 at 1:15 pm | Report this commentAnswer three questions:
1) Which has the better long term potential? The job or the man?
2) Which is more fun for now? NY and single or London and hooked up?
3) Are you more a short term or a long term sort of person?
The solution to your dilemma will be clear.
Posted by: Banker, male, 34 | May 8th, 2007 at 1:52 pm | Report this commentI’m sorry, but this is terribly whiny stuff. “I don’t see why I should be put into a position where I have to choose between love and interesting work”? Who has “put” you into this position? Presumably you applied for the posting, which means you brought this dilemma upon yourself.
You will have to decide for yourself, obviously, but bear two things in mind.
1. If you are professionally dissatisfied, this can affect your relationship. Particularly if the dissatisfaction can be blamed on your boyfriend. You will start to resent him and that can undo the relationship anyway.
2. It is not entirely true that “the one” will always wait for you. By definition the person who waits for you will be the one you end up with. But it is entirely possible to let good ones go by mistake. Any relationship requires tending and will deteriorate if placed under stress.
Posted by: Lawyer, 27, Female | May 8th, 2007 at 2:20 pm | Report this commentLike we use to say when we were young: Love is like an eagle, set it free flying high, if it comes back to you it is yours, if it does not it never was.
Female, 41, City
Posted by: Anonymous | May 9th, 2007 at 11:06 am | Report this commentIf you don’t go, it is more than likely that you will regret not going and resent your boyfriend even if he supported your decision to go. If an opportunity comes along one should embrace it and see where it ends up. If your boyfriend is the one, then a year apart should make no difference. If you were to break up and go to NY, there is a big chance that when you get back the feelings would still be there. Love and timing with regards to careers is a tough part of life, but one that we will encounter throughout.
Posted by: Matt, City | May 17th, 2007 at 10:55 am | Report this commentLove knows no barriers. The course of true love never run smoothly.
Posted by: Laura, 38, journalist | June 19th, 2007 at 11:25 pm | Report this commentTake the job and your Romeo will stay with you … if he is truly your Romeo.
Wow, I’m really surprised at these comments. I am a woman, I love my job, but I’ve often mused about what an unnatural role work plays in the lives of those of us who choose to succeed. Companies (mine included) seem to operate under the assumption that work should be the first priority, which is really absolutely absurd. I think the corporate world is unbelievably unbalanced and full of itself. That being said, if you love your job, and you feel secure in your relationship then I say go. If you don’t feel secure in your relationship, all the more reason not to let an opportunity pass you by. If your relationship is serious though (or becomes serious) at some point you’ll have to revisit the need to balance work and relationship. Unfortunately this is particularly true for us women. It IS unfair, you’re not being weak or whining, but that being said, it is the reality of the world we live in today and we all have to find ways to juggle it. I say go, and keep your guy for now. If you realize you really love him, there is nothing stopping you from telling bossy to take a hike and running back into his arms. But you might as well take the opportunity. Otherwise you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been.
Posted by: Lacy | June 29th, 2007 at 2:42 pm | Report this comment(Apologies if this ends up on the forum twice - it has been “awaiting moderation” since last week, possibly one word is the problem so I’ve changed it.)
I think we shouldn’t read too much into the doctor saying she should go. Following the social conventions of our time, he could hardly say anything else so close to the start of the relationship.
As they both seem to be at the “right after uni” stage, I am going to assume that they are in their early-to-mid twenties. If we fast-forward five years or so to his 30th birthday we might find him in the following position: married to a nurse from the hospital who is currently at home expecting their third kid. He is no longer a junior doctor, but is working a lot as he is the sole breadwinner. The wife’s job is running the home and educating the kids. She will go back to work when the kids are old enough. The doctor, supporting 5 people (including himself) on his salary occasionally looks with envy at the cars and foreign holidays bought with the disposable income of two of his fellow doctors, a couple with no children, but he knows that ultimately life without family is meaningless and directionless.
If what is described above is where the doctor wants to be then the poster’s leaving for New York will be a sure sign for him that he has to look elsewhere for it. That’s only a tragedy of course if it is also the kind of life she wants and she’s going to look out of her skyscraper office at the nurse with envy later on.
Of course the situation I describe of working husband, wife at home and three kids seems incredibly old-fashioned, very hard work and perhaps s**ist. I can’t defend it against that criticism except to say that the lack of desire to live that life (and perhaps the social unacceptability of expressing a desire to live like that) is among the reasons why more than half of the kids born in London are to foreign born mothers. To me the alternative life many people choose seems like a pretty slow way to die.
One respondent describes the poster of having the emotions of a teenager. To me she seems emotionally healthy. The people like teenagers are the ones who naively believe the Hollywood idea that if it’s meant to be then true love will always find a way so we don’t need to sacrifice for our relationships or prioritise them in any way. We could equally say that if she is good enough and “meant to” one day manage other people then she will find her way into such a position eventually with or without this particular company.
Also, presumably the year is up now. Is the original poster not going to tell us what happened?
Posted by: Male, 30 | June 17th, 2008 at 11:36 pm | Report this commentOne person says the poster sounds like a drippy teenager. I showed this article to 35 teenagers and they all said she should go to New York.
That leads me to believe that the people like teenagers are the ones who naively believe the Hollywood idea that if it’s meant to be then true love will always find a way so we don’t need to make sacrifices for our relationships or prioritise them in any way.
We could equally say that if she is good enough and “meant to” one day manage other people then she will find her way into such a position eventually with or without this particular company.
Posted by: Male, 30 | June 20th, 2008 at 9:43 pm | Report this commentTo follow up, I don’t think we should read too much into the doctor saying she should go. Following the social conventions of our time, he could hardly say anything else so close to the start of the relationship.
If he is at all family-oriented then the poster’s going away might signal to him that he needs to start getting more popular with the nurses instead of wasting time with a career woman.
Posted by: Male, 30 | June 20th, 2008 at 10:34 pm | Report this comment