May 29, 2007
‘My PA cries whenever I say anything critical’
I am a female director in a small creative agency. Over the years I’ve had a succession of PAs who were either thick or unreliable, but finally I have a good one. However, there is one thing wrong with him. Whenever I say anything even slightly critical he cries. Mostly he doesn’t start blubbing, but his eyes fill with tears and he looks flustered.
At first I found this embarrassing but increasingly I find it enraging. He may not mean to be manipulative, but I feel manipulated – I can’t raise the matter with him as I’d get the full waterworks. The situation is further complicated by the fact that he is gay. I feel that by confronting the tears I would be branded as homophobic. I think I already (unfairly) have a reputation of being a tough bitch and don’t want to make it worse.
Why do you allow yourself to feel manipulated? In all likelihood, he can’t help his eyes filling with tears just as other people can’t help blushing or stammering when they are put on the spot. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he is mortally wounded emotionally and he is probably just as embarrassed as you are. I don’t see why his being gay has anything to do with it either. Are you implying that he is somehow emotionally weaker because he is gay - in which case you are being homophobic?
Don’t hold back on constructive criticism, but ignore his welling up. He’s a good employee and he’ll toughen up in time.
Posted by: Anonymous | May 29th, 2007 at 5:35 pm | Report this commentWhat counts as a “slightly critical” comment? There are many ways to nudge someone without sounding at all critical: requests, suggestions, a polite enquiry as to how they’re getting on. You say he’s the best PA you’ve had, but still you’re repeatedly criticising him. Why?
You sound like someone who is demanding and quite direct. These are strengths, but may at times make you seem a “tough bitch”. I’d suggest offering some reassurance along with the criticism. Have you told him he’s a great PA? Do you comment on the things he does well? Make sure you’re giving out praise when it’s due and not just picking out the faults.
Posted by: Investment banker, male, 26 | May 29th, 2007 at 9:43 pm | Report this commentIf this important working relationship is going to survive, let alone thrive and allow you to enjoy the full benefit of your PA’s potential, then I think that you need to address these issues - regardless of whether there are some tears along the way. You certainly can’t continue to feel manipulated and enraged as this will soon destroy the relationship totally.
You clearly value your PA’s strengths so make sure that you are sufficiently well prepared so that you can get across the praise that is due as well as the suggestions for how to improve the working relationship in the areas where there are problems. Don’t forget to ask your PA how he would like you to change to make his job better too. Be prepared to make two changes yourself for each one that you request! You did say he was good …
You fear that you have an unfairly tough reputation but by being seen to invest time in working relationships, with give and take on both sides, this could quickly change for the better.
Posted by: Consulting actuary, Male, Age 43 | May 29th, 2007 at 10:51 pm | Report this commentEventually, he’ll have to go somewhere else, as he is not able to handle criticism… and criticism is part of most creative environments.
Posted by: Consultant, 39, Male. | May 30th, 2007 at 4:44 am | Report this commentPlease don’t try to sort him out. Just set up a blog and keep us informed.
Posted by: Paul Ormrod | May 30th, 2007 at 9:12 am | Report this commentGet a grip and do your job - treat this man like the competent adult you say he is. The problem is entirely yours if you feel you are being manipulated - maybe you should be seeking professional pyschological help about how you react to emotional stimulus like this. I am gay and find it absurd that you think that holding gay people accountable for their actions could be construed as homophobic.
Paul Wilson
Posted by: Anonymous | May 30th, 2007 at 9:27 am | Report this commentManaging Director
Sydney
Wow- this sounds like male/female role reversal. Also, as a strong person, you are being confronted by an apparently weak one - no wonder you feel annoyed.
Ask yourself how would you handle it if he was a female PA. Presumably you are due to do a ‘new employee review’ after 3 months? Good opportunity to sit down and talk: tell him that he is good, make a mild criticism and when he wells up take the opportunity to ask carefully about the crying. Maybe he is under some external stress that makes it harder to keep calm.
But from personal experience, a good PA who is content to remain in that role is very hard to find, so worth the effort and sympathy if required. Are you able to put aside the tough bitch for a short while and come across as a human being, since he is clearly a sensitive type and will probably respond better to you if you do?
His sexuality is irrelevant and it’s up to you to keep it out of the discussion.
Analyst, female, 30
Posted by: A. Anderson | May 30th, 2007 at 9:42 am | Report this commentYou are the problem.
Posted by: MD -Investment Banking ;Male;45 | May 30th, 2007 at 10:00 am | Report this commentWho hired this succession of PA’s you claim are all “thick and unreliable”?You did .What does this say about your interviewing skills?You were unable to identify the fact(if true)that they were “thick and unreliable” during the time you interviewed them.Or,you did ,but hired them anyway.What does this say about YOU?Either way,YOU are the problem.Now that you have someone good,you can’t stop yourself from criticising them too!YOU are not tough,but clearly a BULLY who is unable to identify “thick and unreliable” people when you interview them.You seem to take pleasure in harassing people-I am not surprised no one wants to work with you for long.
You should quit and leave the firm a better place .
Consultant, female 47
Posted by: Anonymous | May 30th, 2007 at 10:21 am | Report this commentWho was responsible for selecting and recruiting your succession of thick or unreliable PAs over the years? You must have been involved in some way and this reflects in some ways on you. Now that you have finally found someone you really rate, why not try communicating with him? Reinforce his positive attributes and give him some proper feedback. Tell him what you appreciate and ask him what you can do to improve the way you work together. A good PA makes such a difference to one’s working life - don’t blow this opportunity. His being gay by the way is irrelevant.
You say he is the best PA you have ever had. Have you actually ever told him that? Criticism may be easier for him to take if you have also given him praise in the past. Be easy on him, he obviously takes things to heart and is more sensitive than most. The fact that he is gay is totally irrelevant.
Posted by: Anonymous | May 30th, 2007 at 10:34 am | Report this commentDirector, female, 33.
How do you know the tearing up is in response to you criticisms? Perhaps he is going through an identity crisis: how to tell his boyfriend he has fallen for his female boss! The point is you are making assumptions rather than communicating. Of course it matters that he is gay, just as it matters that he may burst into tears. Don’t let that stop you telling him that criticism is only given to those you value. Those you don’t value are given the sack.
Posted by: Business owner, 42 | May 30th, 2007 at 11:15 am | Report this commentYou are obviously very good at giving out crtiticism - are you as good at giving out praise? I suspect this good employee’s emotional reaction is due to the sheer injustice of your criticism, which would be an entirely reasonable response to unbalanced feedback. Also, I find constructive criticism to be more useful; this does not normally include such words as ‘thick’ and ‘unreliable’
Posted by: Helen, Director, Female, 45 | May 30th, 2007 at 12:47 pm | Report this commentI think there are one day personal development-type courses you could send him on to help cure his problem. About £500 for a day. Probably worth it in the circumstances, if you find the right course.
Posted by: Consultant, male, 39. | May 30th, 2007 at 12:57 pm | Report this commentThe best way to stop feeling manipulated is to stop being manipulated. Don’t soften your criticism of your PA one iota. Instead, explain that your general impression is that he’s great, but that everyone needs criticism to do better. Then give it to him straight, waterworks or not. Take a break partway through if needed, but don’t soften the message under any circumstances.
And in case you start worrying that this will only make you an even tougher bitch, then just remember that your criticism isn’t for your benefit, it’s for his.
Posted by: Civil service manager, male, 30. | May 30th, 2007 at 1:00 pm | Report this commentAt least he cares about his work and what you think of him if he’s that upset when you’re displeased. That’s a pretty big plus I’d say.
Posted by: Tim | May 30th, 2007 at 1:00 pm | Report this comment1. Don’t assume that his teary reaction is typical. He might be going through a particularly tough time in his personal life. This can make people more prone to tears, particularly when they feel that “it’s all to much to take”. And perhaps the opening up which a feedback session entails means that his normal defences (i.e pretending everything is fine) are down.
Make sure you’re not dealing with someone who is going through a bad patch and just needs some emotional help.
2. Are you letting him know often enough how good you think he is? Maybe you need to show your appreciation more.
Posted by: Lawyer, 27, Female | May 30th, 2007 at 1:08 pm | Report this commentFrom the conversation, I gather that it may be tough for you to provide healthy constructive feedback by the word choice that you have selected: criticism (the unfavourable) vs critique (an artform in evaluating/analysing work). Critique employs a healthy, sustainable evaluative approach to our differences in ideas, interpersonal skills, and performance, among other things. Coaching or being a ‘thinking partner’, is just a tactical suggestion that may work and sharing with him the impact that his gestures have on you may be another temporary and ancillary approach. In turn, you may or may not gracefully discover the source of the problem, which could easily stem from something unanticipated and clarify everyone’s misunderstanding, miscommunication, and misinformation. Equally important is the level of his productivity, which appears to surpass all others, thus, requiring a heightened level of relationship building from both parties.
Relationship Manager in Global Financial Regulatory Affairs, 35 & gay male
Posted by: Mr. Peabody | May 30th, 2007 at 1:37 pm | Report this commentJust give him a good slap and get it over and done with! What a wet rag he sounds. I know this is not PC but surely it’s what most people are thinking?
Posted by: Analyst, 38 | May 30th, 2007 at 3:45 pm | Report this commentAfter reading your issue, the question I would ask myself is whether or not he comprehends that the criticism is directed by you is toward him (which seems to be the case) or towards improving the quality of his / your / the department’s work (probably your initial goal). If an employee does something deliberately obnoxious, it is obviously personal and I usually let him/her know it. If it is something that is department-oriented, I usually try and be as positive and constructive as possible, so as to take the issue of the personal plain or what might even be considered personal.
Posted by: Parisian Manager | May 30th, 2007 at 5:46 pm | Report this commentI am also gay and equate this sort of behavior to a straight man who would constantly fly off the handle at any/all criticism, or even a woman becoming teary-eyed (and it has happened) when I make a comment. As soon as the person realizes it’s not about him/her, s/he tends to get over it quickly.
If your P.A. continues this behavior, you might, and very gently so, want to consider suggesting counselling. It helps!
You feel manipulated and guilty because of your own psychological make-up and upbringing and need to be able to separate that from the behavior of your PA. Your PA, on the other hand, pierced your tough bitch shield effortlessly because he wears his emotions on his sleeve (or whatever else he wipes his tears with) and can trigger your guilt and manipulate you easily. Guess who is in control now, the tough bitch or the PA? as a side note, why would his being gay “further complicate” anything, or even worth mentioning here?
Now, you need to find a way out of this control game using a new technique. Think about coaching the person, giving him the opportunity to be your partner, give him a sense of value and importance and you’ll work magic.
In any case you need to understand your emotions and what triggers your guilt, your feeling of being manipulated and why you need to wear the tough bitch shield. If you won’t, this story will repeat itself multiple times affecting your performance at work and in your personal life.
Posted by: high-tech executive, 48 | May 30th, 2007 at 6:30 pm | Report this commentIt sounds to me, as some other posters point out, that there is something else in his life causing this. You simply never know what’s going on with people unless you ask. For all you know he could have just received a bad diagnosis. Crying isn’t ‘normal’ behaviour.
Plus, if you have the reputation you think you have, being sensitive and enquiring after the rest of his life - being careful to make clear it won’t affect his job - will come across especially well.
NB: Another gay man commenting here.
Posted by: paul canning | May 30th, 2007 at 6:34 pm | Report this commentFollowing on from the respondant who suggested sending the PA on a development course for £500. I think he isnt the only one who could benefit from a “people skills” or an “interviewing skills” course. Yes, of course we are all posting sympathetic responses while thinking “wuss” but think about this; a boss who hires a string of “thick” and “unreliable” PAs followed by one whom she makes cry, despite him being the best one of the lot…the words “power” and “hungry” spring to mind. She loves making her PAs feel useless whether they are or arent so, while the guy above is slapping the “wet rag”, could he stand the boss lady next to him and see if he can get her across the face with the same swing?
Posted by: Company Director, Male, 38 | May 30th, 2007 at 6:54 pm | Report this commentShe deserves all the dud PAs the agencies can send her and the poor (but wet! Sorry) PA deserves a bit of praise for being such a good PA.
Unless of course they are both reading this message board and she goes in tomorrow and is nice to him and he beats her to the draw and says “don’t start today bitch!”
Seriously though; ignore the fact that the PA is a man - re-read the above problem and try to pretend you dont know the sex of the PA as the gender issue in this story is a red herring - they should BOTH go on the same “people skills” or “communication skills” course and learn how to deal with people in every-day work situations.
You seem rather self-centred. Poor you: surrounded by a succession of thick, unreliable, manipulative and judgemental people!
I think you need to realise that it’s not always about you. This person might have some problem outside the office which is making him unusually sensitive. The point is that you don’t know, because rather than trying to find out, you are thinking of only yourself and how you’re being manipulated and how you might be judged as homophobic.
As for being homophobic, it seems to me that your post has associated gay men with emotional fragility. What might one call that?
Posted by: Lawyer, 27, Female | May 31st, 2007 at 4:30 pm | Report this commentWhatever you choose to do, always finish off on a high note. Focus on what you need and what is not getting met, rather than anything personal.
Posted by: Actuary, age 41 | May 31st, 2007 at 9:01 pm | Report this commentI have to admit that I sometimes cry when being criticised by co-workers. Then these “very tough” (read “bitchy”) women yell at me. This is unhelpful. As some of the respondents above have pointed out, the PA may be going through a tough patch. Like me, he may be a perfectionist who tries so hard to please others that he gets upset when he feels he’s disappointed. Contrary to the belief of my co-workers on the two occasions it’s happened in three years, it’s not necessarily controllable. So don’t feel manipulated (I think you could tell if that was the case) but do understand that people have feelings.
Posted by: Advertising Copy Director, Female, 37 | June 1st, 2007 at 4:14 am | Report this commentI recommend you choose a woman as your pa, it works for professionals like you, and she can be your friend as well.
Don’t mind too much about: “(not) being a tough bitch”, “(not) being homophobic”, etc. It’s like looking for inspiration at Harry Potter.
Posted by: it consultant, male 49 | June 1st, 2007 at 10:53 am | Report this commentYou should find a woman pa. It works well for professionals like you, and she can become your friend as well.
Don’t mind that much about (not) being a tough bitch, (not) being homophobic, etc.
Also, if I was your boss, I would consider the possibility of kicking out you and your pa.
Posted by: it consultant, male 49 | June 2nd, 2007 at 9:40 am | Report this commentSome things are important, some things are not. It is more important for you to have a good PA than to avoid feeling manipulated. Deal with it. Next time the same task comes up, just tell him in more detail how you want it - and deal with your frustrations over his crying for yourself, don’t involve him by confronting. You will loose your good PA, and that will mean that you’ll get less stuff done.
Posted by: Anonymous | June 2nd, 2007 at 8:05 pm | Report this commentFinancial PR, 27, Female
After graduating from Cambridge university, I worked as a PA temp for almost a year while I was working out what I wanted to do with my life. I worked at several companies, and, almost without exception, was treated stunningly disrespectfully by some really terrible people. There was a total assumption that I was thick and unreliable, despite the fact that I was actually highly efficient, and they were lucky to have me. If I made any mistake, ever, it was merely a confirmation of how useless I was. On many occasions my blood would boil at the things I had to put up with, to the extent that I would almost burst into tears of rage. Your PA is maybe not crying because he is hurt, but because he is feeling disgusted with himself that he endures what sounds to me like low level bullying. Even now, I feel angry when I think about my PA experiences – more at myself for putting up with that kind of disrespect that anything else. You sound like an awful boss; maybe you should be less ready to expect the flawless performance from your employee that you clearly do not demonstrate yourself.
Posted by: Anonymous | June 6th, 2007 at 1:04 pm | Report this commentwell - it sounds like somebody finally got your number, doesn’t it?
you’re a bully and he’s figured out your weak spot - sounds like the perfect solution really - you get work done - and he knows how to make sure you’re not going to break him
Posted by: Consultant | June 20th, 2007 at 3:08 pm | Report this commentHi
Get yourself booked into a constructive feedback course ASAP!!! - there are at least a dozen ways to come across as a better boss and help him see your feedback isn’t a dig at him - you’ll also get a two way dialogue out of him and find out if it really is just tears or if it’s some sour manipulation stunt, which personally i doubt.
However be prepared to also praise him out of the blue when praise is due, and tell him what things are working well in his role
Posted by: Telecomms Engineer | June 20th, 2007 at 4:34 pm | Report this commentWell if all else fails i myself am a gay PA currently looking for work, im not what you would call a bitch but like yourself find people who cry at criticism enraging. if he was doing his job properly he wouldn’t under go criticism, and as for the water works its obvious he’s just too sensitive for the tough would of Personal Assistances.
Take him out for dinner and if he starts to cry SLAP him and tell him to pull it together.
Hope this was a refreshing answer to your problem, if he gets to much, drop me an email.
tomw443@hotmail.com.
Posted by: Tom | June 25th, 2007 at 2:24 pm | Report this commentIs your name Wilhelmina Slater perchance?
Posted by: Lucie | June 27th, 2007 at 11:55 am | Report this commentThis is fascinating. He must love you!
Posted by: NicePerson | June 29th, 2007 at 3:53 am | Report this commentIt doesn’t sound like he’s gay. It sounds like he’s in love with you. You could always ask him…
Posted by: Adam | July 25th, 2007 at 12:40 pm | Report this commentSeems he is emotionally unbalanced. If criticism is fair and if you express it without any negative emotions, why does he cry? For example, if somone critises my work and says what exactly should be improved, I don`t feel like crying or even upset.
Posted by: Anna,23, female, specialist in marketing | April 16th, 2008 at 5:46 am | Report this commentThere are two possible solutions. Try to talk to him about your relations and explain him that you don`t try to offend him and all this cryticism is a part of everyday routine. Try being diplomatic, just talk to him. It will release tension and maybe he will behave better.
Or find another PA. Why do you thinl that this one you have now is the best? Who knows, maybe you will find a female PA, diligent, hard-working and calm. Good luck!