June 19, 2007
‘Is my close friendship with a female colleague dangerous?’
Over the past six months I have formed a very close friendship with a female colleague. We work in the same department, share a sense of the absurd, and send each other large numbers of jokey and vaguely flirtatious e-mails. Recently I’ve started deleting these for fear that my wife (who shares my computer at home) might see them and feel threatened and unhappy. There is nothing physical going on between us – I don’t want an affair and I’m sure she doesn’t either – she only got married two years ago. Yet still I am torn. I feel a bit guilty about my wife, and I think other colleagues are speculating about the nature of our relationship. On the other hand, it seems such good fun and has really rekindled my excitement for work, I don’t feel like giving her up. Are there any rules to help on this sort of thing?
Manager, male, 41
I think you have to turn this one on its head. How would you feel if you found flirtatious emails from your wife to one of her work colleagues? If you consider this question seriously it should solve your dilemma.
Posted by: Stuart | June 19th, 2007 at 1:19 pm | Report this commentYou should indeed feel guilty that you feel “torn” between a work colleague and the person to whom you have entrusted your life! Not really a fair contest. If your emails are read cold - by your wife or your colleagues - they could seriously damage your personal and professional relationships. Cool it to mere friendly spoken banter in public for all your sakes.
Posted by: Anonymous | June 19th, 2007 at 2:22 pm | Report this commentIf you are feeling guilty that should be reason enough to consider you wouldn’t like the same to be happening with your wife.
Posted by: Diogo | June 19th, 2007 at 2:42 pm | Report this commentIndeed marriages may require you to give up on some sort of relationships with the opposite gender, if any of the two in the marriage is not perfectly ok with those situations.
If you chose to marry someone, than keeping this lifelong relationship should be worth all those things you give up on.
Stop worrying dude…flirting is what life is all about, doesn’t mean you are cheating on your wife, and nor should she feel threatened.
Posted by: Remington | June 19th, 2007 at 2:53 pm | Report this commentso you’ve said you wouldn’t ever enter anything physical with her and she feels the same, so keep rolling with it. If not work will just get boring and your performance will suffer; infact - your wife should be grateful that you are flirting, it is probably keeping your job.
So in essence, ixnay on worray…have fun!
I think you are kidding yourself. Generally people do not flirt with each other, unless they are attracted to each other. Would you be flirting with her, if she was 18 stone and had a beard?
Based on personal experience, this can only go one way - I wish you all the best. It’s going to be great fun. But for God’s sake be careful with emails and remember to turn off your blackberry at home.
Posted by: Damien | June 19th, 2007 at 2:56 pm | Report this commentcourse he wouldn’t flirt with her if she had a beard…that would be strange.
but there is nothing wrong with looking. that is completely different to actually wanting…and guaranteed if your wife is a hottie then she is going to do something similar at work too.
Posted by: Remington | June 19th, 2007 at 3:07 pm | Report this commentHi There,
As the Chinese would say be careful for what you ask for.
Keep it on the level and friendly then you will be fine, stray too much and become too close and a few drinks after work and you will end up shagging her! Good luck JP
Posted by: JP | June 19th, 2007 at 3:47 pm | Report this commentAsk your wife
Posted by: Ian | June 19th, 2007 at 3:53 pm | Report this commentI’ve just come out of a four year affair which started in exactly this way. I promised myself for six months that it would never progress beyond mild flirtation, but it did.
Posted by: Sleeper | June 20th, 2007 at 5:20 am | Report this commentThe affair was great fun, and I thought it was just an innocent bit on the side, as she was married, and so was I, and we had no intentions of leaving our partners. But eventually my wife found out, and it was very painful for everyone. I stayed with my wife, but had to deal with the fact that I was in love with my lover, and she had to deal with the fact that she was in love with me. That was probably the highest cost of the affair, and I wouldn’t recommend to anyone that they pay that price.
Bottom line - ask yourself what this woman is giving you that your wife isn’t, and start looking for ways to get your wife to supply that need. Or to acknowledge that your wife is actually supplying that need, but you don’t give her credit for it. If you like the the fantasy, then you need to ask yourself why you prefer to escape, instead of dealing with real life.
Of course it is dangerous, that’s why you asked the question.
The ‘rules’ in the office may literally be in place, formally: ask HR or your boss.
The ‘rules’ re your marriage are also in place - one set is labelled ‘divorce law’ and another is ‘annoyed wife’.
Posted by: Consulting actuary, male, 43 | June 20th, 2007 at 5:54 am | Report this commentOver the years I’ve had a few similar non-sexual close relationships with younger women in work. It’s natural, motivating and at the time filled emotional gaps my marriage could not provide. As our lives and jobs moved on, they became good dear family friends. My advice, love your colleague for what she obviously is - a great friend.
Posted by: male consultant, 52 | June 20th, 2007 at 7:17 am | Report this commentSorry, mate. You’ve got to make a decision. The tone of your comments clearly indicates that you are attracted to your colleague and sense that the feelings are mutual. Either go down that path or not. If not, you have a number of options. The easiest is to stop initiating and encouraging. Don’t make flirtatious comments. Don’t respond to them. And for God’s sake, don’t get pissed together. If that’s where you want to go then good luck. Otherwise, I’ve been there myself and trust me you don’t want to be on the wrong side of having “f#cked up”.
Posted by: BL | June 20th, 2007 at 7:38 am | Report this commentFlirting is fun as long as kept as just that…Flirting. A lot of times it goes beyond that coz inevitably, you see this person daily, talk and maybe have a drink or two or three or…and before you know it, you have had an affair. you must be ready to deal with teh consequences…
Posted by: Female HR manager | June 20th, 2007 at 8:20 am | Report this commentMake a double strike now:
1. Tell your wife about this good friend and about your fears that other people could misinterpret your relationship. That way the onus will be on her to be mature and accepting of the fact that you can have a good female friend. This will also help her put down any “well-meaning” friends who feel it is their duty alert her.
2. On the back of this, introduce your lady colleague to your wife. This is a pre-emptive strike against the little devil inside you. It should help you define your emotional boundaries and not give you the excuse that what happens at work is somehow unconnected to home life.
Doing both these things would also help you to relax and not worry about what other people think.
Posted by: Manager, male, 41 | June 20th, 2007 at 9:02 am | Report this commentBest way I can see of figuring out how you feel about her is both having a few drinks and shagging her. If you feel guilty in the morning then it’s okay, don’t tell your wife and move on… it was obviously a flash in the pan. If you don’t feel guilty then there is something wrong with your marriage that needs addressing before you get involved emotionally with anyone else.
Posted by: Chris | June 20th, 2007 at 9:15 am | Report this commentI think you are perfectly aware of the fact that, what you can’t help doing with your collegue right now will eventually harm you, your wife and your good friend (and even her husband). Introducing her to your wife will not do any good but it will just make your wife more suspicious. Instead, try to act indifferent to your friend and repeat to yourself everyday that you have a loving wife who trusts you and the danger of losing her is not as important as having a little fun at work. My dad did the same a couple of years ago with a female collegue and our family spent an extremely stressful month trying to dissuade my mother from having a divorce. Be careful, it doesn’t worth it.
Posted by: Gulyuz | June 20th, 2007 at 1:48 pm | Report this commentSame thing happened me. We were both single -so hadn’t even that complication - however I was in a slightly more senior position. However the breakup was painful and as I got promoted to team manager hortly after the breakup, it made things very uncomfortable for everyone - senior management included. I have to say, try as I might - i couldn’t be objective and professional
Posted by: PR Consultant | June 20th, 2007 at 3:01 pm | Report this commentIf you know and respect the limit and boundaries of your friendship, I think it is harmless. But when you sense doubt, I would suggest that you slowly stay away from her. Extra marital affair is extremely damaging to your career and personal life. You do not want to risk that.
Posted by: Sue | June 20th, 2007 at 4:10 pm | Report this commentDo not send any emails though your corporate or personal email systems. Companies can dredge this stuff up, particularly if your wife subpoenas the emails.
Posted by: Ken | June 20th, 2007 at 5:36 pm | Report this commentEither reconcile to your fates as a married man, or if supremely unhappy, (as opposed to feeling guilty), start over.
I think it’s perfectly possible to have a close and flirty friendship with a colleague. I’ve had quite a few of these in the last twenty years, and they have made working life a lot nicer.
Posted by: lucy kellaway | June 20th, 2007 at 6:35 pm | Report this commentThere’s quite a bit about your message that rings a bell with me. You say that you and this woman have a shared sense of humour - an ability to laugh at the ludicrousness of office life is the first thing I look for when choosing a new “office spouse”. The fact that you also send each other slightly flirty e mails sounds familiar, and not especially alarming. I’ve sent many of these, and highly recommend the diversion they provide.
However there are other things in your message that don’t ring a bell at all, and make me worried that you are already in far, far too deep. The very fact that you have sent me this problem is alarming. With each of my office spouses I have been able to talk to my husband about them, and it wouldn’t have occured to me to hide the e mails. If anything I think my husband tends to feel pleased when I announce that I have a new office spouse as I come home from work slightly cheerier than I would otherwise.
But you are already chewed up with guilt. The fact that you know your wife would be jealous suggests that you know she has grounds for jealousy. And the fact that you continue in your friendship despite the fact that you may already be causing her pain is proof that you are out of control in this not-so-innocent friendship. Most transparent is the way that you are grasping at straws for comfort.
The notion that she doesn’t want an affair as she has only been married two years is the most pathetic excuse I’ve ever heard. Since when was there a time limit on affairs?
I suspect that you and she are heading smartly towards and affair come what may. I suppose I should tell you not to, for all the good reasons meantioned above. Really what you should do is to retreat from her altogether send no more e mails and have no more cosy laughs. I daresay you could have offered yourself the same advice. But something tells me it’s too late for any of that: you are already out of control. You will take no notice and do it anyway.
As per someone has been told;
- ask your wife !
Posted by: Antonio Dell'Acqua | June 20th, 2007 at 7:06 pm | Report this commentYou want a rule? Here’s a rule: “If you have to ask, it’s a problem.”
Posted by: Patrick in Texas | June 20th, 2007 at 9:22 pm | Report this commentThe perception of impropriety can often be worse than any reality. Be careful, a few drinks and you could be regretting the whole thing.
Posted by: male, geologist, 30 | June 20th, 2007 at 11:00 pm | Report this commentYou should consider changing departments, or even jobs. Is it only her presence that makes work enjoyable? Then get out. I’ve been here too - it’s so exciting: the chemistry, the fun, the flirting. Result: total regret after getting totally hammered one night (easily done when you are such good ‘friends’). If you’ve got children you really do need to get a grip and cut this affair. Don’t ever tell your wife - unless you take a decision to divorce her - it’ll only upset her to no purpose. But do try and rekindle the romance and excitment in your own marriage. Use your imagination and surprise her (though don’t go too out of character or she’ll get suspicious!)
Posted by: analyst, female, 32 | June 21st, 2007 at 10:28 am | Report this commentMethinks the gentleman doth protest too much. You say you don’t want a relationship (and it’s telling that you cite her marital status as the reason for this, rather than yours!) but you’re aware that your wife and colleagues might “misinterpret” things. Is it really misinterpretation on their part - or disingenuousness on yours? Light hearted flirting’s all very well but are you capable of keeping it on a platonic level, or is she (do you even know what her feelings are)? Obviously it’s up to you what you do, but be honest with yourself and those around you. Your marriage and your job could be on the line - is it worth it?
Posted by: helen | June 21st, 2007 at 3:18 pm | Report this commentFemale, 25, PR
In order to address this issue, I think we need to analyze the sentiment that you are feeling. Based on what you write, I would categorize it as a ‘romantic friendship’, because of the charge it seems to give you, which causes you to feel some guilt and to want to cover your tracks. If you are experiencing a romantic charge, I think your marriage is probably already doomed - you are attached to someone else who gives you something romantic that is missing in your primary relationship.
If you are not feeling the stomach-butterflies, then the solution to your problem is for you to develop greater trust between you and your wife, so that it becomes clear to her that she is not threatened by your rightful enjoyment of playful cameraderie at work. No one person can give you everything that you need in life and you have every right to have great, fulfilling relationships with other people at work.
In summary, if you have built a healthy foundation of trust, then there should be nothing to hide in having a fun friendship at work. If however, you are romantically atached to this colleague, you might just as well save years of heartache and get the divorce papers filed.
Posted by: Peter Finfrock, Small-Business Owner | June 22nd, 2007 at 8:36 pm | Report this commentAt work you are a hero who does a stunning job, at least in your own eyes and in the eyes of your female colleague. You hatch and complete strategies and plans, slaying the dragons of competitors and office politics. At home you still haven’t mended the washing machine, the shower head still keeps falling down if you turn up the water pressure too much and the back garden would be a credit to central Borneo. If you do get involved in an office flirtation, let alone an affair, your work effectiveness will plummet. Unless you can imagine your female colleague accepting you for everything you are, not just your role at work and you seriously contemplate a divorce, then back off. Quickly.
Posted by: Ironybrew | June 25th, 2007 at 4:49 pm | Report this commentHow lucky you are to have this ‘problem’ and yet so unfortunate not to enjoy it freely…
Posted by: Banker, male, 34 | June 26th, 2007 at 6:00 pm | Report this commentPeople who have recommended caution are wise: all the reasons you get along so well and have an empathetic relationship with your co-worker are the same things that make the situation untenable in the long run.
On the other hand, your comments indicate a degree of ambiguity that might mean this is a more important relationship for both of you.
Would you rather regret what you did or what you didn’t do?!
Posted by: Phyllis | June 26th, 2007 at 6:10 pm | Report this commentYou are on dangerous slippery territory. That is how it all starts, as I am sure you know all too well.Don’t kid yourself and if you respect your wife do not fool her.
Posted by: Ayse | June 26th, 2007 at 6:28 pm | Report this commentBack off–it will only lead to trouble; i suspect you already know that or you would not be asking. Do you really want to put your work and marriage in jeopardy? Think of–a scorned wife, hate and more than half of your assets usurped in alimony. Nice picture? Well, you might also get kicked out of the house, she keeps it and you end up living in a boot! Good Luck.
Posted by: Aysha | June 27th, 2007 at 3:42 pm | Report this commentThere might be a lot of people cheering you on now, and telling you to “just enjoy the fun”. But think about whether they’re all going to be there when: (i) you have a 3pm meeting with your solicitor to go through your divorce; (ii) you are selling your marital home and trying to find a scaled-down place to live; and (iii) your children (particularly if you have daughters) grow up with self-confidence issues because their dad slept with a hussy at work and destroyed their mother.
Once you establish a family, you need to start thinking about the impact of your actions on your wife and children (if you have the latter) rather than how your “excitement for work” has been “rekindled”.
Posted by: Anonymous | June 27th, 2007 at 3:55 pm | Report this commentIf you value your marriage and your wife at all, walk away now! I was experiencing some unhappiness in my home life and got caught up with a young woman that I supervised, rather than address the issues in my marriage. We had an emotional affair and while I never left my marriage, my wife found out and it devastated her, particularly all the lies and the fact that I thought I was in love. The affair is now over, the young woman has moved on and I did not get found out at work (I could have lost my job). However, it is not yet possible to tell whether my marriage can be saved. Was it worth it? Absolutely not! I caused my wife, whom I never stopped loving, tremendous anguish and I’m not in very good shape either. I’m angry that my wife cannot yet forgive me, and yet I’m not certain that I can forgive myself, whenever I can manage to stop justifying my actions. Indeed, I have no idea whether I can handle the difficult path of patching things up.
Posted by: Senior manager, age 49 | June 28th, 2007 at 2:26 pm | Report this commentWhen you say you ‘don’t want to give her up’, you rather give the game away. You are already having a kind of affair, and you know it on some level. If you weren’t, how would stopping already with the ‘vaguely flirtatious’ messages, be ‘giving someone up’. Presumably you’d still be colleagues?
Cheeky monkey. Wasting our precious time like that! This one is very transparent. NEXT!
Posted by: NicePerson | June 29th, 2007 at 3:50 am | Report this commentThis is just the first stage of an affair. Flirtation leads to drinks, lunches, time alone… which leads to physical intimacy… sexual or otherwise… and worst of all, an emotional intimacy that should only exist between you and your partner.
Just because you intend this to go no further, it doesn’t mean she has the same plan…. and intentions can change dramatically. This relationship has all the trademark signs of an affair about to happen.
I have been there, as the victim… and it’s the most devastating, gut-wrenching agony you can imagine! Almost all affairs will be discovered, don’t think you’re cleverer than the rest and can hide it.
My partner had an 18 month affair with a subordinate at work, starting just 2.5 years after we moved in together. Both claim it wasn’t sexual, and on the whole this is probably true, though I have reason to think they had 1 sexual encounter just a week or 2 before I found out. This began because he is a naturally flirty type, and this woman developed an infatuation with him and pursued him for at least 2 years prior to the affair (this hasn’t just come from him, but from other evidence). Once he had got himself involved, he was effectively trapped because of her history of false accuastions of sexual harassment. If he stopped it as soon as it started, he was risking her formerly reporting him, telling colleagues or making sure I found out. He hoped that when she left on 6 month secondment that it would fizzle out, but I found out first.
Once on secondment, she faked a story of a serious car accident to curry sympathy and re-establish contact. He resumed text messaging and I found them 3 days later. At this point, I contacted her directly!
We are still together, and he claims it’s over, but I’m a shadow of my former self. My self-esteem is rock bottom, I can’t trust him, I’ve been depressed ever since, I can’t get past the memories of the specifics of the affair I know of, and imagining what else went on that I didn’t discover….and I can’t understand how or why he could betray the strong and loving relationship we shared. No matter whether we stay together or separate, I will never fully recover from what they did to me. It’s over a year since I found the first texts, 10 months since the 2nd discovery, and I haven’t even begun to imagine ever being happy again. I adored this man, and he and this woman, who knew all about me, trampled my life, happiness and emotional security into the ground.
Look at every action you take, and every possible course this could follow, and ASSUME your wife will find out. Aside from the fact that it’s essentially wrong to betray the trust in a committed relationship, when you’re wife finds out and her life is torn apart, and you see the grief and depression that causes.. will it still have been worth it just for a bit of a thrill?
Posted by: Betrayed | August 31st, 2007 at 3:20 pm | Report this commentSpeaking as a husband who was in a similar position two years ago my heartfelt advice is to tell your wife about this friendship and to remain 100% honest and open if ever she brings it up in conversation.
Posted by: regretful | September 5th, 2007 at 1:29 pm | Report this commentI did not tell my wife, and when she heard about my (entirely platonic) relationship I played the whole situation down to allay her fears; when she found flirtatious text messages on my phone it almost ended our marriage. I was caught out in a minor lie, and the trust in our relationship was shattered.
It doesn’t matter that nothing had happened - the important thing was that I had misled the one person with whom I had the highest duty to be scrupulously honest. Rebuilding a broken trust is an incredibly long and painful process, and will never be wholly successful. Far better to be honest and discuss the situation maturely and sensibly before there is even the slightest chance that things might get out of hand.
go for it! as long as you trust she won’t boil your bunny so to speak! I too am in a similar situation with an older married man colleague. Falling in love is involuntary and marriage is something we’re pressured into by society in alot of cases. We only get once chance at life and if marriage is supposed to be forever, you decide! Personally I am infavour of you going for it as long as she’s not a mean rotten @#$%#
Posted by: Anonymous | January 26th, 2008 at 10:24 pm | Report this commentI lived away at work all week as home was too far away to commute and after a couple of years started falling in love with a lady who frankly was not my type.
Posted by: David | January 29th, 2008 at 3:41 pm | Report this commentI tried to ignore my growing feelings and fantasy, and as an older man in love with my wife and a marriage of many years knew that this was stupid.
In the end I think this lady started to reciprocate my feelings and there were moments when I could have broought it into the open.
In the end it was damaging to me and harming my feelings for my wife so I resigned and moved back home, whew, if I had been ten years younger I might have really blown it. I still wonder though!!!!!!!
Are you sure that you are not in love with her?
Posted by: Anna,23, female, specialist in marketing | April 16th, 2008 at 6:00 am | Report this comment