August 7, 2007
‘Should I take my dismissive husband to an award dinner?’
I have been invited to a trade dinner at which I am pretty certain I am going to win an award. It is quite a big deal for me, as it is the biggest award in the industry. My husband has been invited but I know he hates that sort of thing and is dismissive about the work I do.
In the past, when he comes to trade events he tends to get drunk, making the evening embarrassing for everyone else and unbearable for me. On the other hand I would like him to see that my hard work has been acknowledged and that I am well respected. I also want to thank him in my speech for all his support over the years, as he has mainly stayed at home with the children. Dare I risk taking him?
Seize the opportunity to thank your husband, at the risk of embarrassing yourself? Or forgo the chance to publicly thank him, in order to eliminate the risk of embarrassment? Put this way, it is indeed a dilemma.
Try looking at it another way: The choice for you is between opportunity and risk. The consequence for the organisers and other guests is either one moving line in a speech or the sight of a husband embarrassing his wife and everyone else equally.
In which case we can simply recall having been taught not to choose self-interest if it means becoming a nuisance to everyone else.
Posted by: Michael, private banker, 38 | August 7th, 2007 at 11:27 pm | Report this commentAll hope is not lost: while it is customary these days to ambush family and associates with “We need to talk. Now.”, requesting a few days beforehand and setting aside ten minutes to sit down in private and talk quietly enables both parties to be candid without being emotional, and inclines each side to see the other’s perspective.
Neither pleas to your husband nor prayers to Heaven will eliminate his “dismissive, drunkard, embarrassing, unbearable” side. But a cleaning lady for the house, as well as pre-cooked or take-out dinner and a babysitter for the children, once a week just might.
Don’t you miss seeing your husband looking stress-free, smiling over dinner and holding your hand on the way home from the movies?
Posted by: Michael, private banker, 38 | August 7th, 2007 at 11:43 pm | Report this commentIt seems the problem runs deeper than just to behaving badly at dinners. Perhaps, like a child, he is feeling neglected and trying to get your attention?
This hunch is reinforced by the fact that you haven’t been able to tell him yet that his behaviour upsets you and that you say he is dismissive of the work you do.
You need to sit down and have an honest chat about your work and what he thinks of it. Even if he can’t see eye to eye about your work, he should at least behave at your dinners. Equally, you should make him feel cherished and wanted at those events.
Posted by: Anonymous | August 8th, 2007 at 12:05 pm | Report this commentThis is what happens with “housemen” when they meet other men who have had a carreer. They feel inferior and excluded from those around them and have to find a way of dealing with these feelings. Obviously, getting drunk is one way, and telling others that what they do is not worth too much is another.
Stating on stage that you are grateful for your husband’s support will only help rubbing in the feeling of exclusion. Hurting his ego in public will do no-one any good, least of all your partnership.
However, I think that you have a deeper problem: your husband needs to get more self-esteem from what he does, meaning that he has to find a decent occupation to complement his houshold work. This is a long-term solution but absolutely necessary because people who are locked up in household life all the time tend to become funny (I know this from my own stepfather).
So try motivating your husband in this way, and the first step would interestingly enough be to take him along (to show him he does not need to be kept away) but don’t mention him in your speech.
Posted by: Anonymous | August 8th, 2007 at 12:35 pm | Report this commentI believe you problem is deeper than what you describe. Seems your husband resents your success, possibly because he believe it was achieved at his expense. His being dismissive of your work and achievement and getting drunk are his means to assert control over you. My second reaction is to recommend you and your husband go to therapy, my initial one was ‘ditch the loser’.
Posted by: Haim, Consultant, 48, Los Angeles | August 8th, 2007 at 1:56 pm | Report this commentNo, but make sure there is a transcript of your expression of gratitude.
Posted by: N M Postlethwaite | August 8th, 2007 at 2:16 pm | Report this commentIt’s possible that your husband a) doesn’t get out much or b) is feeling neglected, but consider that men can be quite dense when it comes to social events in which they have no clear role.
Take his hand, lead him away from the children, and sit down with him for a minute. Explain to him the importance of this trade dinner, as well as the strong possibility that you might earn a prestigious award. Tell him - because it’s true - that you wouldn’t have gotten to where you are now without him. And tell him that even if - and especially - the award doesn’t come through, he needs to be there for you. If he scoffs at your earnestness, then bring your mother. She won’t let you down.
I recently won a very prestigious award myself, and I had a similar conversation with my husband who tends to “enjoy himself” too much at business events. He was a real knight that evening, and I felt proud of our “team”. However, I neglected to remind him to get the kids cleaned up: my daughter showed up for the event with unkempt hair and my teenage son was in a stained shirt. I was irritated - for all of a minute. You see, appearances aside, my family has always supported me. You can’t get ahead without that kind of help.
Posted by: Suzanne | August 8th, 2007 at 4:54 pm | Report this commentI would imagine he has issues with his status at the moment. Men who stay at home to look after their children do not have high status in our society. The fact that you are successful in your job probably makes the situation worse, not better. He is dismissive of your job because he doesn’t want to acknowledge that you are the breadwinner, not because he genuinely thinks your job is a waste of time.
You could try and ignore the problem, and not invite him on the basis that he doesn’t enjoy these events anyway, and being paraded around as the ’supportive husband’ is not going to make him feel any better. Or you could try Suzanne’s approach, and make it clear to him how much you value his support, and how you wouldn’t be able to have done as well as you have without it. That may mean far more to him than being thanked in a speech at a dinner with lots of people he doesn’t know. This assumes he is essentially happy as a househusband though; if he’s not, then I think you have far more fundamental issues to resolve than whether he’s coming to an awards dinner.
Posted by: M | August 8th, 2007 at 5:33 pm | Report this commentYour husband does not want to be thanked in public for being suckered into the 100% child caring role any more than any wife would be. Anyone in your spouse’s predicament at a “trade dinner”, invariably grizzly to anyone not in the trade, is simply going to see acres of slightly drunk people patronizing what they see as a loser and probably what he himself believes is a loser.
The arrival of children causes huge strains in any marriage particularly if it means one parent is expected to provide 100% of the income while the other is expected provide 100% of the childcare. No-one can move with total equanimity from having a job that needed many highly regarded skills to the angst ridden and seemingly perpetual duty of caring for children. That duty needs to be shared to the full extent possible, as does earning family income.
So ensure that your spouse has enough support from you or babysitters to take up any part time job reasonably available, anything like a barperson is a good one for comparative self esteem, and while he is doing that take total responsibility for the children. At least there’s a chance you’ll then be singing from a similar hymn sheet when you discuss the childrens’ individual charms.
Posted by: ironybrew | August 9th, 2007 at 2:43 am | Report this commentTake him, but just stay long enough to receive the award and for the thank-you speech.
Posted by: G Salcido | August 9th, 2007 at 6:14 am | Report this commentHowever, go to dinner somewhere else just the two of you, before or after the event.
If you simply show him a copy of your letter to Lucy, his reaction will almost certainly make it quite clear what you should do.
Posted by: Bruce Mathers | August 9th, 2007 at 10:02 am | Report this commentDifficult. For both of you. From your post it sounds as if the trade dinner is representative of a range of issues for both you and your husband that are unresolved if not uncommunicated. There is little more difficult than ones partner being genuinely embarassing in front of colleagues and others. Likewise I can imagine that the dinner hits every button for your husband of feeling patronised and condescended to for his unusual and selfless decision to stay at home.
So, clearly you need to talk, but I can imagine that it feels rather more difficult than that. My own sense is that these conflicts can develop when one person focuses on the rational, discussing impact on them and implications, while the other focuses on the emotional. My guess is therefore that you may need to focus more on how the situation makes you feel, and how you want to say how much he’s helped you but that your worried and worried that these events are pretty unpleasant for him. Finally, I would say that in the end you should give him the choice. You would love him to be there because you would like to thank him, but you know these events can be pretty tedious for partners. If you have both heard each other then the choice in the end should be his.
Posted by: Toby | August 9th, 2007 at 10:22 am | Report this commentProbably not a good idea to send him your letter to Lucy K as he could be annoyed that you are “confiding” to an outsider. Why not instead, write HIM a letter explaining all and mail it. That way you have been able to express your feelings which he can examine at arm’s length - hopefully you’ll be out of the house when he gets the letter. It could help set the emotional tug at a bit of a distance - to start with anyway.
Posted by: david | August 9th, 2007 at 12:07 pm | Report this commentYou have said this is quite a big deal for you, but you seem to be unable to discuss the matter with your husband - instead, you have written to a national newspaper. I suggest you get a divorce.
Posted by: Chris, consultant, 43 | August 9th, 2007 at 12:09 pm | Report this commentYour confidence that you will get an award, contrasted to your indecisiveness whether you should invite your husband, reveals the hypocrite in you. Your career progressed because, not in spite of, your husband’s willingness to stay at home and bring up the children–just like millions of men have (and still do) similarly benefited from their (house)wives. He is not dismissive of your work. He just resents you. Please spare the poor idiot from your grandiose speeches of gratitute.
Posted by: Ilias, Risk Manager, 37, New York | August 9th, 2007 at 1:11 pm | Report this commentMaybe if what you want is really to thank him, you can treat him with a very nice diner or holiday and spare him a corporate evening if he hates these? He may also have an opinion on what he would rather do…
Posted by: Beatrice, 30, Analyst | August 9th, 2007 at 2:36 pm | Report this commentI wouldn’t tell him that you are up for an award. If he is as snarky as you suggest, you will never live it down should you not bring home the gong. Seeing the surprise on his face when you do win will be (almost) worth the static you have put up with over the years.
Posted by: Der Senator | August 9th, 2007 at 3:04 pm | Report this commentI agree with some of the other posters, i.e., this problem is deeper than you state in your query. A man, or any one for that matter, gets drunk to dull the pain of the situation or something in their lives. You need too ask yourself why is he dismissive of your work? What have you done to him, how have you treated him for him to act in this manner? I believe that there is truth in what one of the previous posters stated, i.e., he feels ashamed and embarrassed when he is in the company of other men, who he doesn’t know, who have jobs and careers they can boast about. Even in these “liberated” times there is still a stigma attached to being a house husband. He’s not the bread winner as this society still maintains is the man’s duty. He stays at home for you and denies himself a career and self-esteem. He goes to the company parties for you dispite the pain that it causes him. Maybe it’s time to stop thinking about you and start thinking about him.
Posted by: Jomama | August 9th, 2007 at 5:09 pm | Report this commentSponsor a table. Invite your parents and in-laws. Also, bring any children over the age of ten. Invite one of your husband’s best chums and his wife. With your closest and dearest celebrating your sucess, THAT will keep your husband sober, attentive, and focused.
Posted by: Simon McInnes | August 9th, 2007 at 6:13 pm | Report this commentMy first question was “does he deserve you?” My second is “does he get drunk at home?” I suspect not. There’s a chance that he fears or resents your position as the bread winner if his instincts are that he should be the hunter/provider. Public reinforcement of your superiority simply serves to further humiliate him. If he genuinely believes that your work is unimportant then he is unable to take any satisfation from his life partner’s success. Getting drunk and behaving badly enables him to assert his independence. Keep it low key. Go to just another business dinner and if you do get the award, be sufficently modest when you get home. Then, find a way for him to celebrate with you. Do something that you both like; theatre, concert or dinner but enjoy it as equals. Drop suitable and subtle hints so that he organises and pays for the treat.
Posted by: Lawrence | August 9th, 2007 at 7:42 pm | Report this commentStop skulking around trying to downplay your success. Presumably he wasn’t forced into this arrangement. If he was adult enough to make the decision to be a househusband, he should be adult enough to live with the responsibility instead of sniping at you and what you’ve achieved. If not, in the words of another contributor, ‘ditch the loser’. As for ‘maybe it’s time to stop thinking about you and start thinking about him’ - would that person really have made that comment if you were a man writing in about his housewife wife …? I think not.
Posted by: Narik | August 9th, 2007 at 10:46 pm | Report this commentNo, you shouldn’t risk taking him as both of you will just end up embarassing each other.
I watched The Stepford Wives last Friday - I think you should too (maybe not with your husband…)
Posted by: Anonymous | August 13th, 2007 at 2:43 pm | Report this commentYou are exposed to ‘embarrassment risk’. You need to manage it either by closing it down (don’t take him) or by mitigating it (getting him to behave better).
Why not ask him to deal with issue? In the same words as you’ve asked Lucy?
Whatever his reaction, then you’ll know which of the two options you have to pursue. Either way you won’t then have as much uncertainty as you do now.
(embarrassment gamma hedge)
Posted by: Banker, male, 34 | August 14th, 2007 at 12:23 pm | Report this commentIs this Mr. Mom an alcoholic? Getting publicly drunk at all the wrong times is a classic symptom. Does he drink alone while you are at work, and how sure are you that you know the facts?
As he has been invited, “dare I risk taking him” leaps past the obvious questions - does he want to accept, and why are we discussing this as if he were a dress or a fashion accessory?
None of your points seem remotely to address what he thinks or wants, so perhaps we can eliminate any attempt to persuade or otherwise communicate, even assuming he has not passed-out drunk by the time you make your speech.
If Mr Mom is not the audience, is your goal to stage a soap opera for your industry’s key players? A sober Mr Mom, perhaps dabbing away tears of pride as you thank him - is this a career building tactic?
Your note calls to mind the “problems” that start with having a perfect personal assistant, except that she wants cosmetic surgery or he cries. A perfect personal assistant is about as good as it gets, and your Mr Mom might sound like an answer to prayers - say the old feminist wheeze about needing a wife, or Gloria Steinem’s new one about women becoming the men that would have wanted to marry (and marrying a wife?).
Hey, many congratulations on the award, and having a high class problem. Sincerely hope he is not an alcoholic, but suggest he try AA either way.
Posted by: Toquam | August 14th, 2007 at 12:31 pm | Report this commentThe previous answers seem to provide most of teh necesary queries for yourself. How has it come to this? What are you doing and why? It seems you have reached a critical point in your life. If you were a man and decided that you wanted out of teh marriage you’d expect to give up your house children and half your wealth for your continuing career.
As usual I think we’d all need to know a lot more before offering any advice at all. Saddly anything associated with traditional female activities is worthless and anything male priceless.
I can’t see your husband ever being invited to an event where he is feted for his incredible achievements to humanity and offering his thanks to his wife for providing the wherewithal to allow him to do that by sacrificng her life for inherently valueless laboutr in some dreary office full of greasy pole clinmbers and back stabbers.
Posted by: Jimbo | August 14th, 2007 at 4:19 pm | Report this commentDon’t take him, he sounds like a self-centred teenager. He should be grateful that you’re bringing in the money to allow him to live a life of leisure, rather than dismiss your hard work and achievements.
Interesting to note how many of the posters on this thread are sympathetic with your husband and not you. Would they feel the same if the genders were switched?
Posted by: Female, 25, PR | August 16th, 2007 at 8:55 am | Report this commentAs a female spouse from the generation that was supposed to attend these functions with the enthusiasm you are expecting from your husband may I suggest you look at the evening from his point of view.
Posted by: Judith Kozloff | August 16th, 2007 at 4:40 pm | Report this commentThe evening will be beyond boring ( hence the alcohol consumption to blot it out). He already knows and probably regrets the choices that were made re household roles. Your thanking him for the necessary support is patronising. he is very aware that the cost to him of your success was his career and fulfillment, let alone an interesting life. And you want to crow about it?? Oh sorry you want to show your gratitude… give me a break and give him one too and let him stay home, preferably with some solo ‘treat’.
reluctant housewife/banker’s spouse/economist 62
Why did he stay at home with the children? Did you specifically asked him to do so, or was that his choice too? Because it definitely sounds like he enjoyed a free ride for far too long, and now he is blaming his midlife crisis and general uselesness on you, instead of taking a good look at himself. If he had had to go out and work, the corporate events he so dislikes would have been mandatory, and they would have been the easiest, fun bit of what would have been requested from him to justify his paycheck.
Posted by: charlotte | August 17th, 2007 at 2:39 pm | Report this commentI really would check how much a divorce would cost you - I think it’s called cutting losses in English …
I find it very interesting that it seems to be the female contributors who view being at home looking after the children as a “free-ride” and as “living a life of leisure”. Heaven forbid that a man should suggest such a thing but now the truth is out!
Posted by: Mark, fund manager | August 20th, 2007 at 11:59 am | Report this commentIf you want your thanks to be convincing, his absence looking after the children might help!
Posted by: John | August 20th, 2007 at 8:31 pm | Report this commentI am curious as to why he should elect to spend his time at home looking after the children if he has such a low regard for your work, unless he has a vocation that involves working from home; nevertheless I imagine that being treated as an appendage by people of whose activities he has a low opinion and to whom he is expected to be polite, sometimes even deferential, at a boring event would seem a strange reward for his devotion. If you are genuinely grateful, leave the poor guy at home.
Staying at home to look after the kids is only a free ride if you choose to make it so (having seen this from all three sides, I can speak from experience, although I must confess that, when it was my turn, if I was working more than 60 hours a week, only the essential housework got done). If Mark and/or charlotte have children, I hope that I never meet them.
No. Your family and your work should be separate universes. Downplay the importance of your work when talking with your family. Talk trivially about your family at work, if at all. If you are happy with your family and receive a work award you should not say “that’s not enough, I want my family to subscribe to it”. If you have it all don’t destroy it all by bringing it all together.
Posted by: Consultant male 49 | August 21st, 2007 at 9:56 am | Report this commentThis is an issue of male pride, which sadly has not
evolved much since the days of the caveman.
I’ve been in a similar situation to your husband and I’m reasonably sure his main concern is your opinion of him. He probably feels like a bit of a loser for the role he’s taken on and is scared that he won’t be able to measure up in your world. His biggest fear is probably that your colleagues will be asking themselves what you are doing with someone like him. Your success and the respect of your colleagues will make it even worse. That is why he is dismissive of your work; your success in the “real world” only makes him feel more insecure. He no doubt drinks to try and get over this and to be less reserved and make a better impression. Ironically he probably also drinks to try and be less of a burden on you- he doesn’t want to cling to you all evening but equally doesn’t want you to see him sitting in the corner with no-one to talk to. So he has to try in fit with a crowd of unfamiliar people who recognise all your good qualities and are evaluating him to see if he measures up- which he feels he doesn’t.
There are two ways you can make this easier for him: one is, as suggested above, to make a dinner reservation, or order a taxi, or have a set time for the babysitter to leave or something so that he knows there is a finite duration to the evening. When you are attending something that you dread, a seemingly small thing like this will make a huge amount of difference. The other thing is to introduce him to some of your more friendly colleagues one-on-one prior to the dinner so that on the night there are some familiar, friendly faces other than yours.
Posted by: Gregg | August 21st, 2007 at 6:02 pm | Report this commentNo, no, no, no. Do not take him. The risk outweighs the reward.
And next time he is dismissive about your work just tell him that you’ll go ahead and quit and he can start paying the bills….
Posted by: Ricky | September 5th, 2007 at 6:58 pm | Report this commentyour husband has low self esteem because lets face it certainly most men, and probably most people, regard his position with contempt. thanking in him in the speech will only rub it in that he feels everyone is laughing at him for being the girl in the relationship.
Posted by: steve kent | September 14th, 2007 at 2:43 pm | Report this commentmale, banker 30
Good grief. No wonder we are raising millions of children without the security that comes from a family first, work-is-to-support-the-family mindset. I am stunned by the number of people here who are dismissive of the importance of the work of parenting. What’s valued is ‘me,’ rather than the nuturing of the life that is made from the cells of your own person. I dread the day these children of ours become parents.
Posted by: Cynthia | September 23rd, 2007 at 8:51 pm | Report this comment