November 13, 2007
‘I’ve invited my formidable boss to dinner’
I have invited my boss and his wife to dinner, but am in a quandary over who else to ask. He is a formidable man who doesn’t find small talk easy. If I invite my most amusing friends I risk inflicting a boring evening on them. But if I ask some other dull people I owe hospitality to, I risk boring my boss. I could play safe and invite other colleagues, but that is politically complex and might make it look as if I have no friends at all. I’m also uncertain about the food: when we went to his house, dinner was very formal and served by a housekeeper. Should we get out our best china or do we deliberately make it a casual supper? And how do I stop my wife from divorcing me as she says she is dreading the whole event?
Manager, male, 34
Shame you didn’t think of taking them to the theater. You could have killed a couple of hours of face time and then talked about the show over a late supper, easing the dreaded small talk.
Posted by: working mum | November 13th, 2007 at 7:13 pm | Report this commentI think you should be yourself. No more no less. Invite him as you ususally invite other people to your home. Your boss might be delighted to sit for an evening with yourself and your spouse. It shows that you’re assertive enough to confront him on a personal level without a “social curtain”. In addition if you invite other people around the table, be ready not to control the situation as you might wish + your wife might be under a heavy (noticeable) stress during the whole evening waiting for the unexpected to happen. ON the other hand if it’s only the 4 of you, it might be easier to relieve the pressure off your wife (and yourself) and learn to know each other better in this (in)formal situation. Maybe it would be better to invite other people next time.
Posted by: philip wittmann | November 13th, 2007 at 8:45 pm | Report this commentI think that the ‘invite the boss for dinner’ scenario is one of the saddest imaginable. He occupies a place in one facet of you life, he is not a fuedal lord. If I were married to you I’d hit you, then go out for an evening with friends!
Posted by: David Quarenden | November 13th, 2007 at 9:14 pm | Report this commentDivorce would be a good excuse for canceling, so don’t rule it out completely. Unless you are working in some idiosyncratic foreign country or have a strong belief in the merits of “corporate bonding”, there’s really no other obvious excuse for what you have done. Worryingly, there’s even less excuse for your boss to blithely accept your invitation. Fortunately you appear to have many friends, some dull and some amusing, so between them they should be able to help you out with any good excuse for cancellation which doesn’t involve the divorce courts.
Posted by: Ironybrew: 57, Male, Retired. | November 14th, 2007 at 1:06 am | Report this commentItalian way
Pizza & Beer.
Informal easy, chic and ethnic.
Obviously televisioon with the last soccer world cup match on and running.
Well, usually i wear a materazzi t.shirt but this could be a little be too much for you.
I guess your boss is not form France, isn’t it?
Alessandro
Posted by: Alessandro | November 14th, 2007 at 1:53 am | Report this commentHow about this approach. One of the rarest things any of us ever experience and desire the most, is to be listened to. Really, actively listened to, not just put up with. My mother put me onto this greatest of social tricks. She was a very able person, socially, from the same Scots family group (or “stable”) Elizabeth the “Queen Mum” came from, and was’nt she a social genius? She could talk about most things like mum, but once she started on horses.. sit back.
Posted by: Bruce Mack | November 14th, 2007 at 2:42 am | Report this commentYou do’nt have to be a yes man, but do’nt be an adversary. You may know a few things your boss is interested in but if he thinks you are interested in listening to his thoughts without gushing and being too passive will have a lot more respect for you, and may even like you. It is hard work, and requires discipline, but it is much less likely for you to make a mistake this way. If he feels freer to talk he will tell you what he would like to talk about. Just go along as best you can. If you are not sure what to say ask questions, of a seeking kind-that you want to understand him better. As he is coming with his wife give her the same generosity, perhaps your wife could help here. If his wife becomes comfortable with you and your wife that cannot hurt either I’d wager. If you initiate anything, try to talk about something pleasant- but showing your better side. Fly fishing? Grouse shooting? Sailing? Football? Horses? Start with the weather and the huge winds and sea surge-wow, those Thames surge gates closing, and the ones near Rotterdam. Are’nt we comfortable here.. If you have an open fire why not have a bit of a blaze going? Some fresh flowers. She will like that. Could I be cheeky enough to suggest some better Australian wine? He can feed you the really pricey French stuff next time at his place. You are obviously a smart cookie-you have sought advice. I’d guess you can do it well. Happy promotion.
Invite your most amusing friends - show stealers all. All bosses subliminally evaluate people by those with whom they hang. ‘Course, if they outshine him completely you may lose your career - but it will be worth it. You really do not want to work for an unassured twit, now do you?
Posted by: Bharat Kewalramani | November 14th, 2007 at 3:41 am | Report this commentYou should invite Lucy Kellaway. She doesn’t seem to be quite sure how to conduct herself at business dinners (see previous columns) so it’s quite possible she’ll commit any available faux pas before you do. And you can easily shrug it off with “well, famous FT journalist, what can you expect?”
Your boss will probably be quite impressed at what he thinks is a great PR opportunity, and I’m certain Lucy can fill in any awkward silences.
Perhaps Ironybrew would come too.
Posted by: Leigh, chief executive, 32, male | November 14th, 2007 at 6:31 am | Report this commentThis situation is uncomfortable, imo, and the boss is to blame. The Christmas Party and maybe a Summer Outing are better ways of getting to know one’s colleagues/staff, informally. This is where cultures differ, imo.
A German boss would most probably invite his staff to his home for a specific reason only, like if he was leaving the company or giving a “special” birthday party, like his 40th. An Austrian chairman invited the whole company (ca. 40 people inc. me) to his country house in Switzerland for a buffet-supper, for no apparent reason, and on the invitation he wrote in the “Du” form, and signed it with all his family’s names including his dog’s! However, as he had spent many years in the USA, that probably had influenced his personality (opened up and extended his “private space”). That’s been my experience so far.
Posted by: FH | November 14th, 2007 at 9:58 am | Report this commentyou should be fired for even thinking of inviting your boss - or your wife/husband should take the initiative and kick you out. Certainly here in Spain this is NEVER done.
Posted by: mark | November 14th, 2007 at 10:49 am | Report this commentif need be, invite him to your club, a good restaurant, whatever. But HOME??? Are you trying to prove you are mental?
Dear oh dear,
Posted by: Andy E | November 14th, 2007 at 11:15 am | Report this commentHaving second thoughts are we??? Well, as they say in Sweden, if you’ve taken the devil in your dingy you’d better row him ashore….
Best advice is as above : be yourself and do what you do when you have people over. (casually formal??) Above all, do not put on any kind of show or show-off as this is going to be perceived as such. Serve a really good meal (if this is within your capability) with a well-chosen wine/wines, as this will relax any person who enjoys good food and good company. Avoid talking business/company affairs. Take a sturdy drink 45-minutes prior to the guests arrival, serve them an equally potent drink as they arrive but yours should be light at this time…this will help relax the initial hour. Take your wife to a really good French restaurant the night before your party so she will not have to cook two nights in a row….
If you do not have interesting friends that could help defuse the situation, do not invite any other guests. Above all :relax my friend and you will not only survive but enjoy the evening..after all why should’nt you??
Don’t get so worked up about this. It’s your house, your territory, your boss will be aware of this. Invite amusing friends (who can hold their drink) and talk to him as if he was a friend. Ask your wife to cook a meal that she is comfortable with to put her at ease. Dress casual. When it’s all over and has gone well , buy your wife a little gift to say thank you. Simple.
Posted by: keith s | November 14th, 2007 at 11:23 am | Report this commentHmmmn, tricky one this - the main thing is not to unvite any Japanese (subsitute any nationality at will) - but, if you do, hide them in the wardrobe when they can leap out and surprise the boss’s wife as she goes to the toilet (with hilarious consequences)
Posted by: John Lockwood | November 14th, 2007 at 11:55 am | Report this comment‘Kill off’ a relative on your wife’s side. Make it a much-loved uncle or grandparent, rather than a parent (because you can only use this once). Promise to reschedule but never do - or at least don’t before you have a solid plan in place. Listen to your wife next time.
Posted by: Mike | November 14th, 2007 at 12:51 pm | Report this commentShame you invited him in the first place, but as you have: ask your amusing friends, on the basis that they are doing you a favour. But remember, your boss may not find them as amusing as you do. Does he play poker or any other after dinner games ? If so, make sure there is a diversion of that kind to introduce informality and fun to the evening. But try to engineer that he wins, at least some of the time. Whatever you do, keep the cuisine and wine simple and crowd-pleasing, for your and your guests sake. Cancelling for any reason and then not reconvening doesn’t cast you in a good light. Good luck !
Posted by: Jules | November 14th, 2007 at 1:31 pm | Report this commentI think drastic action is required. First resign, so that you can call the whole thing off. Apologise profusely to your wife and pay for her and her friends to go away on a long weekend to show that you really mean it. Then book yourself into the Priory and sort your head out. I have had the unfortunate experience of spending over two months there - I can honestly say it was life changing and should hopefully ensure that you never consider something so idiotic again. What were you thinking of?
Bosses are bad enough at work, but inflicting them on yourself and a spouse in leisure time is inexcusable
Posted by: Mike | November 14th, 2007 at 1:44 pm | Report this commentIt’s a bit of a risk, but first say YOUR housekeeper had to go back to Bolivia for 2 weeks, so you are unprepared, therefore you have booked a private party room for 8 at a 5 star steakhouse.
In terms of friends, there’s a lot of companies out there where one can “obtain” friends. Call one of those up and get a “Dr.” (can go on about the dangers of the meal), a “comedian” (will keep the table jumping in the slow times), and an “athlete” (they can show up dressed down and act how they want). Of course you can have friends play this part as well if your strapped for cash.
Another course of action is to invite all your ex-collegues from previous jobs. They can talk you up and say how life is so much worse since you’re gone. On second thought, this all probably won’t work for the boss, but you will still be married, as your wife will quite enjoy it.
Posted by: Paul, 30, analyst | November 14th, 2007 at 1:52 pm | Report this commentI’m surprised how negative people are about the idea of inviting your boss home. Why not? Everyone knows people usually work together better when they also get on socially. It doesn’t mean you have to become best friends with the guy, just that you’re trying to build a bridge and get to know him a little better.
Posted by: Marzipan | November 14th, 2007 at 2:03 pm | Report this commentFor some reason it sounds like he may not be British - is that right? Even more reason to invite him home. I’m repeatedly embarrased by how coldly we tend to treat people from abroad whom we work with, having myself enjoyed a far warmer reception from local colleagues when I’ve worked in other countries than ever happens here.
I would invite a couple of fun but ‘tame’ friends who can make sure the conversation keeps going, ideally who work in a different sector so you won’t be able to just talk about work. Just in case the conversation really flags, prepare a few inclusive things to talk about - your latest gadget lying around, something funny you saw in the paper, your wine label collection. It doesn’t matter really. All you want to do is create a warm, welcoming atmosphere. Why the fuss?
I think you are trying too hard to suck up to your boss. In my country no one would ever think of inviting a boss to a home dinner. Pleasure and business should stay separate in my opinion and people you work with are just your workmates and nothing more. You try to get along with them for that bloody 8-9 hours and afterwards all that counts is your family and friends.
Maybe it sounds harsh, but I would also divorce a man who would be trying so hard to impress the boss.
Common, live a little! All you biz folks do is putting in extra time at work, no wonder you get ulcers by 35.
Cheerz.
Posted by: tsunami | November 14th, 2007 at 2:31 pm | Report this commentAll these comments that the wife should dump the husband are naive at best. No woman would ever get rid of the cash cow bringing in money for her. If the dinner with the boss means a chance for more money in her pocket, you can bet the wife would never be against it.
Posted by: Brin | November 14th, 2007 at 2:50 pm | Report this commentI agree with the comments above that you should make the food easy and invite your interesting friends but if you really can’t bear to inflict your boss on them, have you considered inviting his secretary/PA (and yours)? That could help you navigate some of the office politics and keep everyone on best behaviour.
Alternatively, if you are the sort that can carry it off, consider making it a murder mystery theme party. That would give structure and purpose to the evening as well as providing you with a device to paper over any gaps in conversation. Just make sure that you do take the advice above about buying a nice present for your wife, so she doesn’t use it as an opportunity to extract her revenge.
Posted by: Female lawyer, 34 | November 14th, 2007 at 3:23 pm | Report this commentMake it nice, make it small, make it cosy. I would invite one or two couples maximum, close friends that mix easily with anyone. You should then swear to ur wife that this is the last time, and that u r sorry not to have listen to her, but now it is too late. Buy her a nice outfit to wear for the diner and take responsability for the whole evening…
Posted by: Beatrice, 30, Analyst | November 14th, 2007 at 3:29 pm | Report this commentHi Rob,
I´m amused on the concerns you have for this dinner. Last time it wasn´t as complicated for me, or my wife, to get along with you and your spouse. Now I really don´t know what to do, should I go to the dinner or should I fire you?
Kind regards from your boss,
Posted by: Anthony | November 14th, 2007 at 4:36 pm | Report this commentAnthony
If it’s genuine, that last comment was a classic - this is always a risk if you write in with this type of question.
Posted by: Max, 32, writer | November 14th, 2007 at 4:45 pm | Report this commentThe secret is to keep everybody happy including yourself. If the wife is awkward about the cooking then don’t put pressure on her by asking her to cook a meal that is beyond her (keep it simple). Having a beer is sometimes a nice change, but may not be appropriate. If the Boss isn’t good at small talk start it yourself and then go on to hobbies and holidays. If the Boss isn’t reacting then simple be vain and talk about your own future plans. This way you cover several topics and you should all hopefully find something your all interested in.
Posted by: Peter, 22 Account's Assistant | November 14th, 2007 at 5:10 pm | Report this commentAnthony, I like this one! What a joke.
And Brin, not all of us are greedy monsters who live on behalf of their men’s paychecks, in fact, some of us are SUPPORTING them, guess that
Yeah, life can be hard. No diamonds, not even thank you notes, so dilemma like the one above can really piss me off.
Posted by: tsunami, 35, editor | November 14th, 2007 at 5:20 pm | Report this commentFirst, make sure you hire help for the evening. Even if your spouse if a wonderful cook, she would appreciate the dishes being cleaned while she joins your boss, his wife, and you for an after dinner desert wine (a must to loosen up your boss for more conversation). But she will also appreciate not having to “plate up” beautiful presentations of messy food whilst in her fine clothes.
Second, use your best china, crystal and silver. Why have it, if not to use? Besides, it shows equal part respect for your guests, and confidence in yourself.
Third, keep courses to a minimum. Soup or salad, Main with vegetable and starch, desert. Period. You’re inviting your boss for socializing, not for showing off your cuilinary skills (or those of your wife).
Posted by: Jonathan, 43, attorney | November 14th, 2007 at 5:43 pm | Report this commentWhy did you invite him in the first place? Just behave normally just as you will do when you invite a work colleague.
Posted by: Osei, Male, 61, Lecturer | November 14th, 2007 at 6:39 pm | Report this commentI still beleive there must be a reason for inviting your boss and the best answer would be when one knows a little background
Sometimes corporate bonding can go too far and this will gain nothing and risk everything. Do you really want to have your boss watch you and your wife trembling with fear and trepidation for the entire evening. Death of a relative has been suggested but that does seem a little drastic, especially if the subject is mentioned in the months ahead and you, or your wife, look completely blank. How about a domestic disaster like a burst water pipe, broken boiler or faulty oven. Alternatively you can do the decent thing by retiring to the library with a bottle of good port and a pistol.
Posted by: Douglas, Male, 53, Accountant | November 14th, 2007 at 8:10 pm | Report this commentI guess we spend way to much time with our boss. We go out out for lunches together and at times have to travel. Inviting your boss to the house is a little to too much in my opinion. At the end of the day he/she is your boss and you do need to maintain a little distance. May be a restaurant or a picnic outside is ok , but in the house seems little to intimate. Now the boss gets to evaluate you social status and the house and your fav paintings. Too much info…
I liked the maid is not @ home excuse to change the venue excuse given by somebody. However the maid being from Bolivia was not necessary …
Posted by: Key | November 14th, 2007 at 8:41 pm | Report this commentBad ,bad move to invite him along with other halves - but to your home ! You are quite mad. Anyway damage limitation time ; you can’t cancel its too obvious , even using illness excuses etc
Reduce the embarrassment by going to a restaurant ( ” to hell with the expense ” or ” finally got the plumber , house in chaos ” etc ,etc ) at least then you have other people around to ” moderate ” things and importantly they will want the table after say 2 hours so you have a defined end to the torture .
Take the financial hit and go somewhere decent and probably book cars too to get them the hell out of there at the end .
Your boss’s other half would be a nightmare at your house ( ” Oh we used to have those curtains at our old place ” ) and there’s a high risk of drama as yours soaks it up but then snaps . In a restaurant that dilutes a fair bit the point - scores won’t be quite so personal
Anyway , ” enjoy ” !!
Posted by: j mexocan | November 14th, 2007 at 8:49 pm | Report this commentI think most of the people above did not notice one thing: The guy and his wife had been invited to his boss’s home for dinner. It is a courtesy to invite back. What did you talk about in your boss’s home last time? I think you should have some hints about his hobbies, etc..
Posted by: fatbrick | November 14th, 2007 at 9:38 pm | Report this commentIf he has invited you to his home for dinner, then he must like you in some way. Take heart from that. I would concentrate on entertaining your boss and his wife - that is giving them an enjoyable evening - but within the bounds of what you feel comfortable organizing. If you go for food, make it good memorable food (usually comes with good wine) in a nice setting - and it is not too late in my opinion to add the theatre (it shows you know something about entertaining and like treating them to something nice) and after dinner drinks (some hotels have bars with fine selections of very old whiskies, etc). Does his wife have any preferences (music, drama, ballet, etc?)
If he employs a professional housekeeper, it is because he and his wife are not comfortable cooking, or perhaps his wife does not like cooking and entertaining guests at that same time (in my experience running a kitchen leaves little time to talk to guests); and because his salary means he can afford to. If you prefer staying at home, and are not comfortable cooking for the night, then hire someone in - you might find it relaxing, and if you have not done it before, a treat to the wife too, and avoiding her the embarassment of cooking when she may not want to. And you need to be confident about your cooking - if you are not, do not impose it on your boss and his wife.
Whatever you choose, make it memorable in some way for both your guests. Personally, when I entertain my ex-boss (the COO of a large telecom company in Norway) or anyone else I want to impress, I give a large box of very special chocolates from my local village baker in France, who happens to be a national French dessert champion. The chocolates are not only exquisite, they are not sold outside that bakery, which makes them a very exclusive gift here in Norway, usually extremely popular with wives of bosses, and giving the message that I consider their company to be as exclusive as the chocolates. The point is that if your boss and his wife perceive that you really want them to have an enjoyable evening when in your company, then he will appreciate you all the more for it, opening the door for future possibilities.
Posted by: PLB, Female, 34, Engineer | November 17th, 2007 at 12:31 pm | Report this commentWhy have you backed yourself into a corner,
Posted by: HATTIE, SEMI RETIRED L.G.O & Part time ('giz a job') writer | November 19th, 2007 at 12:22 am | Report this commentscared of your boss AND your wife?!!
Maybe its time you put lead in your pencil,
And frankly old chap, got a life!
Look in the mirror at home and recite
“It’s MY gig and I hold the tickets,
and when I am here, I’ll drink my own beer
And chose how to play my own wickets!
Why have you backed yourself into a corner,
Posted by: HATTIE, SEMI RETIRED L.G.O & Part time ('giz a job') writer | November 19th, 2007 at 12:22 am | Report this commentscared of your boss AND your wife?!!
Maybe its time you put lead in your pencil,
And frankly old chap, got a life!
Look in the mirror at home and recite
“It’s MY gig and I hold the tickets,
and when I am here, I’ll drink my own beer
And chose how to play my own wickets!
Been there, done that. Here is what to do - this only applies when the boss is NOT a friend. I’ve had lots of “nice” bosses round for dinner many times, but that is not the problem. This is about the boss who is coming as “The Boss” with Mr or Mrs Boss in tow, not as a friend or colleague.
First, make it clear to your spouse that you are in a hole and need help. This is about work, not pleasure. All hands on deck. Be prepared to plead. Do not be above dropping to your knees.
Second, call a couple of very good, business savvy friends (who do not work with you), whose spouses know the corporate game, and explain the situation. Tell them that you are in a hole and need help. All hands on deck. Be prepared to plead and wheedle. Be prepared to sob.
Third, get friends to arrive early - so that the Boss arrives into a social environment and you don’t have to have a tour of the potting shed or discuss any work related issues. Plonk business savvy friends/spouses next to Boss, take on the Boss’s spouse yourself. If, as in my case, the Boss is of the opposite sex, this requires some careful juggling of the seating arrangements. I did not sit next to my Boss, thus avoiding any opportunities for awkwardness. Business savvy male friends knew in advance that they would be in the front line.
Fourth, DO NOT LET ANYONE GET DRUNK - tempting though it will undoubtedly seem. It will end in tears and they will be yours. Do NOT engage in any silent “Thank Yous”, rolled eyes, smirks or similar. It WILL be spotted by the Boss’s spouse and you will be sunk. You are on duty AT ALL TIMES. Do NOT drop your guard. This is an exercise in survival and your aim is to get your team out in one piece.
Fifth, hoosh the Boss and Spouse out at the appropriate time. Have friends prepared in advance for a timed exit. Do not suggest Boss stays on - make it clear it over. Do not sit down again. Be prepared for any embarrassing moments caused by this. Do not crack. Do not let your spouse crack - chances are they are nice and might not have the mettle for this sort of silent combat.
Sixth, thank spouse profusely, thanks friends profusely and book a restaurant for your friends, spouse and self a few days later. Now OK to get drunk. If possible, do this on expenses for an added frisson of delight.
Seventh, write note to self not to let this happen again.
Eighth, NEVER confess to any work colleagues that the evening was anything other than delightful. If you do, you will get stiffed by one of them.
Voila.
Posted by: Phil, Male, 48, Business Consultant | November 19th, 2007 at 12:31 pm | Report this commentI must say that throughout the earlier ’segment’ of my career, I was never fond of socialising on any level with bosses. I do see the value of the social element of ‘networking’ and I also have (what I think is) a clear understanding of some of the benefits of having the opportunity to ’showcase’ yourself in a non office environment. However, the degree of importance people sometimes place on this is, to me, a tad concerning. It all feels a bit like a 1970’s sitcom script in the embryonic idea stage. In fact, I feel like putting a call in to the wardrobe department right now, to see if they have any of Penelope Keith’s chiffon, swirly pattern numbers to lend to your missus for the occasion! And here’s another angle. In my first management role, one of the things I found difficult at times, was the unwritten and initially unmeasurable level of separation I needed to create between myself and the team I managed in order for roles to be clear, functioning and realistic. Some members of the team had been my professional peers and they too initially found it difficult to adjust in this respect. I also found that the team took decisions not to invite me to things they had in the past and these negotiations and discussions were all ex parte with regard to me. The compromise we reached in the end was that they would still notify me of social events and I, as their manager and former peer, would decide which smattering of these I could appropriately attend - that would be within their comfort zone… and mine. My guess is that your bosses “formidableness” may be a part of a uniform he feels he has to don when he is in role AND keep in a metaphorical rucksack on his back when socialising with subordinate colleagues. Confidently, warmly (but not gushily) welcome your boss into your home - because that’s what it is YOUR HOME!. some polite and incidental conversations with him / her about the partners job / interests would be good preparation and allow you and your partner time to do a little research on this to oil conversation. I once talked for 47 minutes to my bosses wife about geraniums! (11 years on and she still leaves a wee selection on my doorstep each spring and I haven’t actually seen her or spoken with her for 9 of these years! Overall, be comfortable in your kingdom. You’ve still got your job so the boss must like something about you! And remember this -Imitation is not the finest form of flattery. It’s often boring and may be perceived as sycophantic. Relax and think it will be good to SEE him - but you don’t need to BE him. HATTIE
Posted by: HATTIE, SEMI RETIRED L.G.O & Part time ('giz a job') writer | November 19th, 2007 at 1:47 pm | Report this commentI must say that throughout the earlier ’segment’ of my career, I was never fond of socialising on any level with bosses. I do see the value of the social element of ‘networking’ and I also have (what I think is) a clear understanding of some of the benefits of having the opportunity to ’showcase’ yourself in a non office environment. However, the degree of importance people sometimes place on this is, to me, a tad concerning. It all feels a bit like a 1970’s sitcom script in the embryonic idea stage. In fact, I feel like putting a call in to the wardrobe department right now, to see if they have any of Penelope Keith’s chiffon, swirly pattern numbers to lend to your missus for the occasion! And here’s another angle. In my first management role, one of the things I found difficult at times, was the unwritten and initially unmeasurable level of separation I needed to create between myself and the team I managed in order for roles to be clear, functioning and realistic. Some members of the team had been my professional peers and they too initially found it difficult to adjust in this respect. I also found that the team took decisions not to invite me to things they had in the past and these negotiations and discussions were all ex parte with regard to me. The compromise we reached in the end was that they would still notify me of social events and I, as their manager and former peer, would decide which smattering of these I could appropriately attend - that would be within their comfort zone… and mine. My guess is that your bosses “formidableness” may be a part of a uniform he feels he has to don when he is in role AND keep in a metaphorical rucksack on his back when socialising with subordinate colleagues. Confidently, warmly (but not gushily) welcome your boss into your home - because that’s what it is YOUR HOME!. some polite and incidental conversations with him / her about the partners job / interests would be good preparation and allow you and your partner time to do a little research on this to oil conversation. I once talked for 47 minutes to my bosses wife about geraniums! (11 years on and she still leaves a wee selection on my doorstep each spring and I haven’t actually seen her or spoken with her for 9 of these years! Overall, be comfortable in your kingdom. You’ve still got your job so the boss must like something about you! And remember this -Imitation is not the finest form of flattery. It’s often boring and may be perceived as sycophantic. Relax and think it will be good to SEE him - but you don’t need to BE him. HATTIE
Posted by: HATTIE, SEMI RETIRED L.G.O & Part time ('giz a job') writer | November 19th, 2007 at 1:47 pm | Report this commentIt is very sad to read this. Why on earth would you want to have a formidable guest of any kind to dinner unless you actually like them? If the feeling is mutual it won’t feel like a ‘working dinner’.
Posted by: Gregory,m,50,lawyer | November 20th, 2007 at 12:10 pm | Report this commentIf he really is so formidable he is likely to see the gesture as an attempt to curry favour, especially if he knows you tremble in his presence. Why not cut out the politeness and meet your guests bowing and scraping. Serve them at dinner without sitting down yourselves. If you can hire a butler and serving maids’ outfits all the better. Bow/curtsy at the door when they leave
I must say I agree with Greg’
Posted by: HATTIE, SEMI RETIRED L.G.O & Part time ('giz a job') writer | November 20th, 2007 at 1:12 pm | Report this commentAt least to some degree
This man may make you ’sit and beg’
And plead on bended knee
Perhaps you should set up a Court
With freinds as your defence
And serve him bitter lemon torte
Whilst giving evidence
YOUR sweet could be hot chocolate fudge
Whilst you await conviction
He’ll clearly want the role of judge
And this will fuel the friction
And when he leaves your humble house
For his, which is much plusher
Have waiting at the door your spouse
But tell him she’s the Usher
I hope you have a happy meal
Though it sounds like ‘trial’
His sentence, you can soon appeal
If you’ve kept notes on file.
HATTIE
I must say I agree with Greg’
Posted by: HATTIE, SEMI RETIRED L.G.O & Part time ('giz a job') writer | November 20th, 2007 at 1:12 pm | Report this commentAt least to some degree
This man may make you ’sit and beg’
And plead on bended knee
Perhaps you should set up a Court
With freinds as your defence
And serve him bitter lemon torte
Whilst giving evidence
YOUR sweet could be hot chocolate fudge
Whilst you await conviction
He’ll clearly want the role of judge
And this will fuel the friction
And when he leaves your humble house
For his, which is much plusher
Have waiting at the door your spouse
But tell him she’s the Usher
I hope you have a happy meal
Though it sounds like ‘trial’
His sentence, you can soon appeal
If you’ve kept notes on file.
HATTIE
There is more than one kind of invitation in the real world: friends are invited to dinner at each other’s homes, but, say, a home-dinner invitation from the business owner to a dozen employees does not earn him return-invitations to twelve separate employee homes.
Under what setting and with what perceived sentiment did ‘(your) formidable boss’ (and his wife) invite you and your wife to their home? With what sentiment did you unilaterally decide to extend one to yours?
Posted by: HKLivingston, 25, investment banker | November 21st, 2007 at 5:21 am | Report this commentIf you work in Private Equity, invite people who understand Mergers and Acquisitions; if you work in one of the Big Five, then invite one bachelor ACA Fellow and one worldwidely couple.
During the first course, talk about the current subprime mortgage crisis and switch to companies in the news: Northen Rock, Merill Lynch, etc.
Being your boss, he will be glad the invitation was worth it in the face of subjects covered during dinner. Get ready for a promotion
Ndhlovu M
Posted by: Ndhlovu M | November 21st, 2007 at 1:05 pm | Report this commentWhy not leave your friends out of it and just have a perfectly agreeable meal for four? Your boss and his wife will be charmed by your youth and informality, and will drive home reminiscing of the fun dinners they used to throw together around the kitchen table before they hired that dreadful housekeeper who makes them so self-conscious.
Posted by: Brian, 38, Creative Director | November 21st, 2007 at 1:56 pm | Report this commentBrian, I am so upset
To think you had such gumption
You haven’t even met me yet
But you make the assumption
That ‘Tight Lipped Tarquin’ and his wife
Are dull because of ME!
They’ve both been like this throughout life
Right back to nursery!
Not even feather boa’s
Or a naked can-can troupe
Could make this sad pair goers
Or make them loop the loop!
I try my best to make them smile
But it’s a thankless task
So if YOU need a housekeeper
Dear Brian, simply ask!
From the Housekeeper at La Maison Formidable
Posted by: HATTIE, SEMI RETIRED L.G.O & Part time ('giz a job') writer | November 21st, 2007 at 2:32 pm | Report this commentBrian, I am so upset
To think you had such gumption
You haven’t even met me yet
But you make the assumption
That ‘Tight Lipped Tarquin’ and his wife
Are dull because of ME!
They’ve both been like this throughout life
Right back to nursery!
Not even feather boa’s
Or a naked can-can troupe
Could make this sad pair goers
Or make them loop the loop!
I try my best to make them smile
But it’s a thankless task
So if YOU need a housekeeper
Dear Brian, simply ask!
From the Housekeeper at La Maison Formidable
Posted by: HATTIE, SEMI RETIRED L.G.O & Part time ('giz a job') writer | November 21st, 2007 at 2:32 pm | Report this commentBian, here is the best advice, as I see it: invite him/her to a good play or to an opera, after a dinner in a nice restaurant. You only invite him in your house, when you and you wife get aqquaint with him/her (trust the relationship) and stop having those unease feeling of inviting “the Boss”.
Posted by: joao m | November 23rd, 2007 at 3:47 pm | Report this commentAsk you wife to play footsie with him under the table during dinner
Posted by: Single | November 28th, 2007 at 1:33 pm | Report this commentDo not invite other friends!!!!! If you think it will be stressful with him ,add someone else and it will be a disaster. Dont ask your partner to cook somethink they haven’t done be before and most importantantly relax… you are not at work. If he’s pompous enough to think he owns you you are in the wrong job!!
Posted by: Peter Ex CEO | November 29th, 2007 at 12:24 am | Report this commentGood luck
Why are all these people making suggestions over what your wife should cook? What about what you should cook? I’m fairly sure that men don’t spontaneously combust on entering a kitchen and I’m almost certain that women don’t if they should happen to venture out of the kitchen.
Posted by: quiddity | November 30th, 2007 at 3:10 pm | Report this commentReturning hospitality is always a good idea, but relying on spouse to do it is ridiculous - it’s down to you to fix this! Spouse may have to work late that night, or just be tired too, after all. So get on the internet, order up a stuffed salmon loin, Eton Mess pudding & some veg from www.cookfood.net (I’m not an employee or have any other connection except as a very satisfied customer!), read the instructions, open a bottle & get on with it. Best of luck, you’ll all enjoy it.
Posted by: Dariel | December 6th, 2007 at 11:20 am | Report this commentHas he been yet???
Posted by: HATTIE, SEMI RETIRED L.G.O & Part time ('giz a job') writer | December 7th, 2007 at 11:09 am | Report this commentNO readers, I don’t mean Santa!
Has Lord Formidahblay been to dinner yet? Was it Pukka Pies and Peace Pipes or what? We have all taken time to share our pearls of wisdom with you, so the least you can do in response is SPILL ther details old chap! We will of course understand if you are busy right now with your legal team putting the final details together for your separation agreement, if indeed Mrs Questionee was intolerably put upon to organise this long awaited and dreaded bash. So, come on, details please. You owe it to us! Note to Lucy Kellaway: Draft Proposal for New Feature “Kellaway’s Tellaway” - in which the people who have posted their dilema’s give an update on their progress / ‘what happened next’ kinda thing.
Hatt
Has he been yet???
Posted by: HATTIE, SEMI RETIRED L.G.O & Part time ('giz a job') writer | December 7th, 2007 at 11:09 am | Report this commentNO readers, I don’t mean Santa!
Has Lord Formidahblay been to dinner yet? Was it Pukka Pies and Peace Pipes or what? We have all taken time to share our pearls of wisdom with you, so the least you can do in response is SPILL ther details old chap! We will of course understand if you are busy right now with your legal team putting the final details together for your separation agreement, if indeed Mrs Questionee was intolerably put upon to organise this long awaited and dreaded bash. So, come on, details please. You owe it to us! Note to Lucy Kellaway: Draft Proposal for New Feature “Kellaway’s Tellaway” - in which the people who have posted their dilema’s give an update on their progress / ‘what happened next’ kinda thing.
Hatt
What the heck are you doing inviting your boss to dinner? Did you ask your partner? V 70s sitcom. He’ll turn up, your trousers will fall down as you answer the door, you’ll later fall into his wifes arms, you’ll mention whatever you’re not meant to mention (used to to be the way but his wig will do), the food will be burnt and there’ll be takeaways past off as your cooking and no doubt some small fires. Keep us posted!
Posted by: Gavin | December 12th, 2007 at 3:48 pm | Report this commentSo, how did it go? Did you all survive, still married and employed?
Posted by: Ingrid | January 1st, 2008 at 10:07 am | Report this commentWhy did he invite you?
Why did you invite him?
Why are you scared about a normal social event?
Why don’t you relax and have fun?
Feel sorry for your wife!
Posted by: Alex,36, Manager | February 1st, 2008 at 11:02 am | Report this comment