FT.com | Dear Lucy | ‘Should I tell my colleagues I’m depressed, or keep pretending I have a virus?’

December 12, 2007

‘Should I tell my colleagues I’m depressed, or keep pretending I have a virus?’

I have been suffering from depression on and off for about 10 years. Recently it has got so bad that I have had to take time off work. I was forced to tell my ultimate boss, who has been fairly supportive, though clearly knows nothing about mental illness. I work at a bank, where the culture is macho. My persona at work is aggressive and upbeat, so I fear that if anybody finds out I am severely depressed they will conclude I’ve either gone mad or can’t hack the job. So far I have told them I’ve got a virus, but I don’t know if people believe me, and I think they may be talking behind my back. In some ways it might be easier to tell the truth, but I fear for the consequences.

December 12th, 2007 in Uncategorised | Permalink

67 Responses to “‘Should I tell my colleagues I’m depressed, or keep pretending I have a virus?’”

Comments

Tell them you have a virus. It’s none of their business that you’re depressed. Most importantly, get some effective help for your depression. Work on self-esteem issues that would make you even consider unnecessarily disclosing informtion that could hurt you. If your co-workers are macho and hurtful towards someone who shows any sign of humanity, that’s their problem, not yours. But you need to protect yourself, so avoid showing them signs of weakness or get out of that job.
Posted by: Mary | December 12th, 2007 at 1:10 pm | Report this comment
I suppose there is no need to worry - the fellow people assuming you are a macho and taking time off would rather have a secret affair rather then depression. So secretly admiring you they would rather cover you and be supportive (or so i think)

The only thing is only to make sure that this does not lead to any further problems with your inner system, which might suffer even further
Posted by: Cyrill N KALITA | December 12th, 2007 at 1:14 pm | Report this comment
You do not have to tell anyone anything. In the macho bank environment (and I talk from experience), there is a wide variety of wierd and abnormal behaviour on display from time to time. I am sure your work environment is no different and your mood swings etc are par for the course. There is the old chestnut, very true : Never explain, your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it.
Posted by: Out of the box, 43, Male | December 12th, 2007 at 1:40 pm | Report this comment
never tell them - it s like telling them you are expecting triplets and want to be promoted … you may end up with Martin Lukes secretary to hold your hand.
just tell them that you are onto something special, you don t know whether it will work but it is very big. and go looking for another job in the meanwhile … which may give you a lot more fun!
Posted by: mark | December 12th, 2007 at 1:51 pm | Report this comment
Well, I think you should be honest but discreet about it. For example, when I broke up with my boyfriend I was very upset and too much of a mess to go into work so I said I had a personal issue to deal with. There is nothing wrong with dealing with something privately. You seem to have bigger issues that you are not resolving and I think you should have some sort of counselling. My hear tells me that you don’t love yourself enough or even expect others to love you. You need to work this out.
Posted by: Ollie | December 12th, 2007 at 1:54 pm | Report this comment
Yes, get another job - something to lift your spirits. Keep away from Banking.
Posted by: Janice | December 12th, 2007 at 2:17 pm | Report this comment
I think it depends on whether your depression is entirely unrelated to external factors (i.e. just a chemical imbalance) or not. If it is, then the analogy with a virus is pretty accurate - similar to recurring bouts of malaria. Working with recurring illness is of course a problem in itself, separate from the issue of what to tell your colleagues.

If, though, external circumstances trigger the depression then it might be worth mentioning it to your colleagues, especially if aspects of their behaviour are part of the problem. Or you may just need people to pull their punches a bit during fragile periods, in which case if they are at all decent they will do so. Not many people draw any satisfaction from contributing to a person’s mental breakdown.

Lastly, if you’re not already aware, you may be interested to know that Dennis Stevenson of HBOS managed a very successful banking career despite his depression: http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/industry_sectors/banking_and_finance/article2726401.ece
Posted by: James | December 12th, 2007 at 3:53 pm | Report this comment
I have suffered exactly the same problem, compounded by severe financial hardship, whilst trying to keep my job at a senior level within a City-related firm. The fact that my peer group (both in and out of work) are financially successful makes it hard. If you can relate your depression to a particular cause, it may be easier for you to deal with it - and for others to understand it. If however you are “just depressed”, then you must get professional advice. Is there a root cause for your depression - like relationships, family tragedy or financial hardship ? If so you need to tackle this head on. Also, get into the habit of doing something outside of work that makes you feel good - sport/excercise, music, painting, helping homeless people. Maybe even get a pet. Unfortunately, my experience is that those who have not suffered depression have neither understanding of, nor sympathy for, those who do suffer - especially in the City. Therefore I would advise you do not reveal all to your colleagues. Best of luck, keep busy and focus your mind on the good things in your life.
Posted by: Edward | December 12th, 2007 at 4:01 pm | Report this comment
i would keep it to yourself - what are the benefits of telling people? i assume not many. this is something highly personal and people may use it against you. you have little to gain by telling people.
Posted by: no name | December 12th, 2007 at 4:14 pm | Report this comment
You have no idea how much strength comes from accepting a problem and fighting it headlong. Depression is not a sign of weakness, it is only a temporary stage your mind is going through. You should treat it like a treatable, curable short term illness. However, suffering from 10 years does not sound very short term and my guess is you were unable to tackle it already because you were desparately trying to hide it from others and yourself instead of saying “Ok, I think this is making me depressed and I will take care of it ASAP.” While depression is not a sign of weakness, caring too much about what others think, is. You seem like a strong person so hold you head high, accept the truth, tell whoever you need to, don’t breakdown, and take leave (if needed) gracefully like you are fully in control. Also, people who think you are aggresive, upbeat will like you more because they will know you are as human as they are and not an alien from other universe! I come across as very strong, unbreakable type of person. But I noticed people connect with me more when I can display some emotions, they realize I am real and not fake. Keeping it inside and faking it, you already know the outcome after trying it for 10 years! Try letting it out a little bit, and in your heart you will know you are real and that will give you the strength you need to recover from depression. Trust me, this will work!
Posted by: strong_one | December 12th, 2007 at 4:32 pm | Report this comment
I’m quite intrigued by the posters who seem determined to give advice on solving your “inner issues” by finding a new job or doing some lengthy self-examination. Depression is a medical condition like cancer or eczema or Downs and as such it can be treated and managed. There is not necessarily some “inner issue” you need to uncover and solve. But the ignorance, however well meaning, of these posters is indicative of the ignorance you may face from your colleagues if you come clean.

You are clearly going through a rough patch but you will bounce back. You are clearly enjoying and are good at your job and it will still be there for you when you recover. Your boss can no more sack you for depression than he could if you were pregnant.

However, I think you’ve answered your own question. Don’t come clean to your colleagues. You ultimate boss knowing is a necessity, but your colleagues may interpret it as weakness because they are ignorant. Keep up with the virus story - you could even do some research on non-icky, non-contagious viruses and choose one to brandish if they start digging for detail. They may not be gossiping behind your back. And if they are, so what? It’s unlikely they’ve worked out your true condition - they’re probably just speculating on what sort of virus you have.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, but still you should be pragmatic, hold your head up and keep your mouth shut. The most important thing for you is getting to a position where you can work effectively again. Good luck.
Posted by: Female, Financial PR | December 12th, 2007 at 4:35 pm | Report this comment
At one point or another, we all through this emotion called depressed, not sure why this topic has become such mainstream phenomena, while being happy ever gets attention. This is a perfectly normal emotions let’s not create labels and give it unnecessary attention. Anyhow, I would never discuss this with colleagues, unless of course you feel it is impacting your work, then please discuss with your boss first, and request support from HR. Otherwise, while it might make you feel better, talking about this “emotion” at all time in the office is not a good idea, no one really cares about you anyways? I hate to say this, in today’s superficial world/office, it is all about surface impressions, and NOT how you feel. So don’t damage your credibility.
Posted by: Maryam | December 12th, 2007 at 4:44 pm | Report this comment
I am intrigued with what the Female Financial PR had to say among all people - I hope you are not buying the bull, pardon my English. How can people throw around diagnosis like this comparing illnesses, calling people ignorant being clearly utterly ignorant themselves. Why bother?

I personally think most people in London are affected with depression to one degree or another. Step outside and just look at all the faces: do you see many happy or blissful? Without sun, expensive and competitive life, negative media we are bound to be somewhat affected. Also there are downright toxic working and social environments.

I agree with those who advice to tackle the ISSUEs. Also I would recommend to examine your relationships: there could be a very draining element or all of them. Examine the vibe you leave your life with and your sorts, your spirits. I am not a doctor, but being familiar with the problem, having suffered alas from both viruses and depression, having had to give up finance and work, I am still a very happy person, I believe, and that’s what matters. The problem is that when you are depressed sometimes is hopeless to see the way and there is no energy to undertake any action - that is hard. Still you have to come up with the plan - you do! And yes, I agree, put things into perspective, do meditation and do tackle the issues or chemical imbalances.

No to the question at heart - the society has a stigma about depression, people fear of it as a bad vide, and they are totally right. Try to be around a depressed individual - a sure way to get depressed. Your problem, like mine, could be indeed physical, a virus indeed, and you might not depressed at all and happier than most, still stigma is a stigma. Do NOT tell anyone, they will never have any profound sympathy, understanding and might only take advantage of you or label you and exclude.

On the bright side, again, I believe most people are SEVERELY depressed in England and it’s a modus operandi - so don’t think you are a victim. Unlike what the PR girl advises, it is a relatively innocuous affliction, compared to the monstrocities she has listed here. Take heart and take it easy! Good luck, it isn’t that bad at all, learn to make lemon from a lemonade! LOL
Posted by: anon | December 12th, 2007 at 5:27 pm | Report this comment
You are facing two very serious problems.

1) Emperor’s new clothes. Maybe you’re not very confident in your own abilities and so you think that the persona is everything.

2) You’re clearly thinking only win-lose, ie if I am honest with everyone I will lose their respect, and ‘they’ will win competitive advantage.

Maybe you’ve been a macho alpha-male banker for too long?

There is a third issue here too. Your macho behaviour at work is unreconstructed and unenlightened. Not only is it hypocritical of you to keep the pretence, but it probably makes you a horrible person to work with / for.
Posted by: TK, banker, male, 35 | December 12th, 2007 at 7:38 pm | Report this comment
If only I knew Financial PR Girl’s client list, it might give me some clues about companies yet to come clean about various hidden truths. I’d be shorting those shares like no tomorrow.
Posted by: TK, banker, male, 35 | December 12th, 2007 at 7:56 pm | Report this comment
The more important thing is to take proper care of yourself. Being concerned about others’ opinions does not help. Found very insightful the interview published recently in the UK with Lord something (banker I guess) recounting how he delt with severe depression during years and is very well now.
male 44
Posted by: Anonymous | December 12th, 2007 at 9:58 pm | Report this comment
There are a lot of crucial pieces of information not given in the summary question (eg origin of depression, home life, age). As such, many suggestions may be misguided. For you to be absent for a little while with a stress-related condition should not be a major issue in a large organisation, and if it is, it may be a trigger for you to ask yourself if you really want to be there. Remember many (but not all) depressions occur at relatively young ages, and the severity of recurrences will usually lighten, even if they do not go away completely - I speak from experience on that score. You should certainly consult your GP in case any medication is warranted, and look to those around you whom you have supported in their troubles - most will support you in return, be it going for walks in the park or other activities to help stimulate you.

The thing that struck me more than your condition was the “I have an aggressive persona”. Much of my time is spent debunking such attitudes; maybe this is your wake-up call to do likewise.
Posted by: SLJ, consultant, male, 39 | December 12th, 2007 at 10:17 pm | Report this comment
Been there, done that, narrowly avoided the nervous breakdown through counselling and medication. You’re most likely depressed because of the toxic environment you’re working in with ridiculous demands, overly-aggresive emotionally screwed up people and numerous unhealthy practices. Get out. It saved my life, my marriage and my health. Get a life.
Posted by: Bob the ex-Banker | December 12th, 2007 at 11:15 pm | Report this comment
I was diagnosed as suffering from depression earlier this year. anti-depressants, whilst they certainly have a role to play, are not the panacea many believe them to be. It was only I sought therapy and identified the underlying factors causing the depression (my City law firm job) that I was able to move on. I was fortunate to have had the option of resigning from my job. I don’t have a family to support and that made the decision far easier. If the job is causing your depression then I can completely understand how difficult a decision it is to quit. All I can suggest is you seek therapy as soon as possible, and possibly also a recruitment consultant.
Posted by: former lawyer | December 13th, 2007 at 12:31 am | Report this comment
NO!! DON’T tell them.Keep it between you and your doctor. I made the mistake of “sharing ” and they
hold it over me.I was dumb enough to put it in writing.A by-product of depression.But that is another story.Go with the virus cover.
DON’T DO IT! People that do not have our disease
will NEVER understand.
DON’T DO IT!
Posted by: chris paul | December 13th, 2007 at 1:27 am | Report this comment
“The public interest is not defined as ‘what is interesting to the public’.” Likewise, what is irrelevant to the interests of clients, as well as of peers who also work for clients, is gossip fodder at best and an unsolicited burden to know at worst. (Except for the specific clients and peers who also happen to be your psychologists and therapists.)

Your duty at the bank is to perform your job without allowing your personal problems to get in the way–and at times when they are likely to, you stay away until you are well again, or find an alternative profession where they shall not.
Posted by: J Michael, private banker, 39 | December 13th, 2007 at 2:53 am | Report this comment
As several people here I also suffered from depression, one morning I could not go to work and burst into tears, my wife walkled me around alocal park until I felt better. I went for counselling and stopped being driven. That suited me. The point is only you know what is the underlying reason for the way you feel. You may not know but could decide to find out.

What I noticed was that no-one else at work noticed and why would they. If they were the sort of people who would help then telling then could be a good idea. Alternatively if you’ve been beating them up that’s different. You seem to have the support of your boss and hence the company and as many of the correspondents have said it is an illness and it may just go away as many things do, the brain repairs itself as well as the body.

What is a characteristic of depression is that no amount of rational information prestned by others is accepted by the one depressed. They do not believe it. In the case of my brother in-law he was supported by his wife, kept working and slowly got better.

What’s most interesting from the other postings is that all seem to agree quite how unpleasant and nasty the City and banking is.
Posted by: Jimbo Male 58 | December 13th, 2007 at 8:58 am | Report this comment
Keep it to yourself. Definitely. Your colleagues (your boss aside) have no right or need to be informed of your medical/psychological issues. This is between you and your doctor, period.

Your worry about how you are perceived in the office says a lot. Is your career really a good fit, or is it part of the problem? I’m not a banker, but have dealt with depression on and off for most of my life (I’m 47). In retrospect, I believe I’d be far better off today if I had been more proactive about my depressive episodes and the state of inertia they induced. You have sought treatment, which is great. Congratulations. Your next step should be to look at your career and your personal life, and to ask yourself honestly if they give you any joy or satisfaction. Do not be afraid of change. What do you have to lose? There’s more to life than banking.
Posted by: SteveFromCanada | December 13th, 2007 at 9:11 am | Report this comment
Don’t fight the 20 somethings, join them. In fact, go for broke. Get a nose ring and a skate board. A few tattoos. Drink Red Bull at your desk. Pay your child or a convenient grocery clerk to load your iPod with the latest happening tunes. Let the kids know you’re down with them. Be a stand-up open-plan dudemeister.

You will find yourself back in a private office so fast it will make your head spin.
Posted by: RichardBranson'sHairpiece | December 13th, 2007 at 9:28 am | Report this comment
I agree one cannot talk about depressions. I have done, even being at hospitals. And I have lost only. In all the levels.

People do not understand that a person can use both sides of the brain.

I am a poet but also a researcher on economics. Both are perfect, precise.

But it is diffucult not to say the truth, once I cannot stand agressions … I am very, very sensible.

I do not know what to do.

Thank you.
Posted by: Teresa de Souza | December 13th, 2007 at 1:41 pm | Report this comment
They will never know, and should not know.

Actually did excellent work while under the fog, but felt physically & emotionally awful.

Meds and counseling work. Great luck to you.
Posted by: USA | December 13th, 2007 at 3:27 pm | Report this comment
Go talk to a professional or better a couple of different ones with different ideas and methods. Also read some self help books on different subjects not looking for answers but questions. You need to find the possible causes of the depression,
medical, childhood, work, relationships who knows
the process may not be easy at first but worth putting time and effort into make it a top priority. If you were bleeding and did not know why you would not wait years to find out the cause. You could tell all your colleagues perhaps a few would offer some support but they cant really help with the issue.
Posted by: LouRead | December 13th, 2007 at 3:37 pm | Report this comment
Hi there. I too have had mental health issues for the last 12 years. I cannot offer any advice as all our situations are unique. What I can share with you is - I found the book “You can heal your life” by author Louise Hay. It had a profound effect on my life, its something I refer to often and a book for life. I have shared the title with numerous friends and they had similar experiences. I am a very different person now thankfully. Every blessing to you this Christmas and New Year
Posted by: MC | December 13th, 2007 at 3:46 pm | Report this comment
Clinical depression is a mental illness suffered by thousands around the world! Sadly there is still much stigma attached to it, when really it can be compared to a physical condition such as diabetes. Many of the views expressed by posters here are quite simply ignorant and offensive to sufferers of depression. With the aid of anti-depressants, cognitive behavioural therapy and other forms of psychotherapy, a healthy diet and regular exercise regime, depression can be managed in all but the most severe of cases. The question of telling your colleagues should come second to your need to combat your depression and learn to live with it while working in a highly demanding City environment. If you feel your colleagues will understand and support you, by all means tell them - but first and foremost focus on yourself. As a depression suffer also working in the City, I would like to assure you that you can continue in your job with your condition. Once you have learned to control your depression you will have no problem performing at the same (if not better!) levels than your colleagues. Good luck to you!
Posted by: City Lawyer | December 13th, 2007 at 4:25 pm | Report this comment
not sure i agree with the general consensus here. you don’t have to do an AA-style confession or traipse around with a billboard on your back, just drop a word in the right ears. They’ll look out for you, and you’ll buy yourself some breathing space.

Some colleagues may scent blood, but they’re the ones who have been dissing you for years anyway, and they’ll suddenly look less like plucky Davids up against a cocky, thick-skinned goliath once it’s appreciated that your hair has been, if only temporarily, shorn. Or was that hercules?

i’m in a similar position. not sure what’s brought it on, or out - boredom, stress, general sense of waning powers, anti-climax, mid-life stuff. good luck mate.
Posted by: anon | December 13th, 2007 at 4:31 pm | Report this comment
Sounds like you have a highly driven alfa-type personality and hence aggressive. Aren’t most of us in the City? We thrive on the ups but then there is an inevitable down, just like our markets. Even many investment books describe depression, Winston Churchhill suffered from the blackouts and frankly probably most people that would never suspect they have it. I am not sure if this is something to norture and manage (medication doesn’t work for everyone and isn’t good long-term for your overall health: sexual drive and appetite vanish among other numerous side-effects).
I tend to think that this has something to do with the spirit not taking it anymore, whatever it is in your life: challenges, love, work, finances, age, health-problems, etc.
I think FT should be brave and address the issue as much more wide-spread and NORMAL for those in finance and other highly-pressured professional careers like law. Remember numerous suicide cases: something not many people talk, yet could be preventable. The pressure to perform in the most competitive place in the world is tremendous, yet you aren’t in control: market crisis, politics, multiple other factors and you can’t exactly go around the trading floor smashing all the computers to take out that anger!!!!!!!!!.. you store it in and it can work against you. Many people use drugs and alcohol to dull that pain, frustration, inability or whatever. Does anyone realise how severe and wide-spread the problem really is? My bank for instance is just 14 years old, yet there were 3 suicides there and lots of people are on the long-term sick leaves. Goldman is supposed to the the biggest incubator for these sorts of troubles, as far as I hear often from doctors and people.
BUT DOES ANYONE TALK ABOUT THIS? NO OF COURSE NOT BECAUSE ITS A WINNER’S WORLD AND YOU DON’T WANT TO BE KNOWN AS A WIMP, THE CITY ISN’T THE PLACE FOR THIS: it’s too cruel, too competitive, it takes your energy, squeezes you and throws you out. Next! Average age is something like 28.

The City isn’t an ideal place of course: there are lots of imperfections. The markets, politics, badly managed banks, discretionary compensation (if your boss likes you) and lots of other variables often outside of our control and it is very frustrating.

So, there should be more publicity about the reality and the cost of that high-pressured job. In other words, depression is completely NORMAL for the City and shouldn’t be viewed as a stigma.

I don’t suggest that you go out there and start brodcasting your case: its an entirely personal choice. But while we are all quietly suffering, the publica opinion is entirely distorted. Besides there is too much negative press about mental conditions. Even the phrase: ’someone is mental’. In my 12 years of living in London, I can barely recall a completely sane, controlled, happy, rational and reasonable individual. People are people, they are prone to fluctuations, swings, phases and dysfunctions.

I would only encourage the Financial Times to give a broader perspective on a very normal condition, depression, and to cover it in a positive and realistic light, compared to Evening Standard and other tabloids.
Posted by: A stake-holder | December 13th, 2007 at 5:43 pm | Report this comment
Be open (but exercise caution as you would with any personal matter) - people can see through a “virus” or the famous “bad back”. The colleagues worth knowing will respect you for the honesty/make necessary adjustments and the others will have the currency of their gossip devalued. As some have pointed out, there is a difference between being open with people where being otherwise would be misleading and an Oprah Winfreh style confessional (or indeed overly documenting things).

From experience I know that telling colleagues what the issue is seems like a “game over” move meaning you’ll never be trusted again but you’ll find it liberating. There is no single answer to depression - working habits, inherited attitudes, diet (food and drink), exercise and other factors all play a part. Counselling and, to a lesser degree, medication also have a role. Its certainly managable - a whole lot more so once you’ve uttered the unmentionable to people that ought to know.

Ultimately your colleagues’ primary interest is your ability to perform a useful function at work. If its part of addressing the issue your revelation will soon be forgotten.
Posted by: Banker, 35 | December 13th, 2007 at 5:47 pm | Report this comment
Share this only with your one best friend. No need to tell anyone else as they are not able to help you.
Your boss will want to get rid of you as you will be a possible liability to him.
Good luck with this, be strong and never give up, it a very tough test test this one.
Posted by: Raines | December 13th, 2007 at 6:12 pm | Report this comment
I lost my 16 year old daughter to depression. It is an illness the same as cancer is an illness. Don’t try to mask anything. Get help, perhaps through your company doctor or through your medical plan. There is no need to tell the world but there is a need to get immediate medical attention and that may mean a leave of absence from work. Why you are off medically is no business of anyone but I urge you to get immediate medical attention. Depression is most likely a chemical imbalance in the brain and is a medical condition. Your job is not nearly as important as your life.
Posted by: Thompson | December 13th, 2007 at 9:45 pm | Report this comment
See a doctor first.
Maybe a shrink.
You may have a medical condition you don’t know about.
Posted by: H | December 13th, 2007 at 10:16 pm | Report this comment
Apart from physical treatment it might be worth getting professional help to see if you can accurately identify any general causal factors of your depression. I have no idea whether knowing causes helps lead to any route out of depression but you can let some of the causes be known at work, without labeling your condition to invite the inexpert opinion of colleagues. People that you work with can sometimes be surprisingly helpful, sympathetic and knowledgeable about causes (including any that are work related) while knowing absolutely nothing about depression.
Posted by: Ironybrew: Male, 57, Retired | December 13th, 2007 at 11:53 pm | Report this comment
It’s worth asking what your reason is for wanting to disclose - a strange sense of coming clean, of believing that you need sympathy, admonishment? If so that’s another matter altogether and one not solved beyond you and a loved one, and possibly help. Remember it’s only work and nothing more - don’t overlook this frame of reference.

You clearly know that you work in an industry that has little sober interest in overall physical well being and overtly belittles weakness as per playground rules.

A better solution is to take the opportunity to lead from the front and don’t get distracted - actions over words.
Posted by: 3Johnnys | December 14th, 2007 at 2:56 am | Report this comment
I think any “Mental Illness” can be controlled w/o drugs or even advice from professionals. I think the solution to these weird and highly individualistic afflictions lies squarely within the cranium/ribcage of the sufferer. If you just “Don’t Panic” to start and “work it out for yourselves” you may even find that there are benefits to being this way. Being emotionless and normal are not included in the benefits package. Good luck to you all bros + sisters!
Posted by: Andrew | December 14th, 2007 at 8:38 am | Report this comment
It is a bit frightening to see how many people see being depressed as a “problem” that you have to hide. Also, some of the advice to keep “hiding” things is in itself depressing.

Depression is just another word for an awareness of deep emotions that want to be fully felt, but that you believe or fear can’t be felt given your current work/life/family/friends environment. It is the classic problem of humanity today: I feel sad, I feel moved, but I dare not show emotion because you believe this is in some way “bad”. Ever wonder why people in office jobs act so strangely? They are hiding their emotions as much as everyone else. You are simply someone who has got to the point where you no longer want to ignore those feelings. This, in the long run, is good and make a better and more real person. Good for you.

You need to see a psychologist, especially one that will help you to feel your way through the emotions that want to be felt.

To put it simply, everyone is repressing sadness, you are just in the process (even if it is a ten year process so far) of confronting that sadness. Only when you let yourself feel it will it move and you’ll be able to develop without this “depression”.

Whether this means leaving banking no one knows. But even if you live on a desert island your emotions go with you. Only by feeling all of this and moving your emotions will anything change. After that you may find the macho behaviour of your peers to be rather amusing.

Last word, going through a process where you move your emotions can have side effects: it can make you openly emotional and expressive. It can also lead you to see people for what they are. All of this can be a bit of a shock. but, the choice is yours. Live with the unexpressed sadness that you believe is “wrong” to express or open up and be real even if that offends your repressed peers/family/friends.

Most importantly, don’t do this alone. Talk to a psychologist who can safely guide you. All best and good luck.
Posted by: Richard | December 14th, 2007 at 10:14 am | Report this comment
It seems to me that you are an intelligent person, what you need is time and space to work out your issues, taking time off is a good step. That is what I have done, only as I am the boss I have to ‘work from home’.

Tell only those in whom you can confide confidentially. It is nobody else’s business. I have not told my work colleagues, only my father. I will have to go back to the real world at some stage.

It does help to confide and discuss with someone and if you feel that you cannot do it with someone close to you than seek professional help such as an analyst or make new friends (try and avoid depressive types though, they make it worse, although it does sometimes help to realise its not as bad as you think it is).

It has been interesting to read all the advice that has come before. It shows how different we all are and also how similar we all are. Medication is NOT the answer, it just delays the inevitable and all we need is an excuse to do just that. It is the path of no return.

It is not a sign of weakness, but an indication of how strong you are when you are able to confront your inner demons and defeat them.

If anyone thinks I can’t hack my job just because I am depressed than we’ll see about that. I am not depressed all the time, I have been on and off for the last 15 years and it hasn’t stopped me getting to where I am.

Solidarity my Capitalist Brother. Good luck and Godspeed in your endeavours. I am going back to bed.
Posted by: Joe Friday | December 14th, 2007 at 11:23 am | Report this comment
I’m 47 and have suffered from depression most of my adult life. Some years back it took me to the pit of despair. Over the following months, I sought professional support which helped.

My boss agreed to my request for some time off but he didn’t really understand my condition. Most people don’t and I didn’t share my situation with anyone apart from my wife and closest friend.

Was I totally cured? No and I suspect cannot be as I consider there to be genetic predisposition. My mother suffered from depression and took her life, my teenage son attempted suicide and I’m not ‘Mr Happy’ so conclude what you will. I believe my episode came about due to a combination of events and circumstances.

So I try to create events that lift my spirits. In fact, the best times of my day are when I cycle to and from work. I push myself and feel good. This may not be an amazing insight to anyone but it does the trick for me.

I meant to keep this short but maybe it helps me to write about it.

So don’t share it with your colleagues, do share it with those closest to you who you believe will understand, get professional help, try to create regular good times. Lastly, depression at its worst can be viewed as a disability so ensure your employer is aware of its obligations under the Disability Discrimination Act. Check out the DTI website.

With my very best wishes.

[Final point to the Female, Financial PR - Downs or Down Syndrome to give it proper title is genetic. It is not an illness like cancer. My 8 year old son has the condition and cannot be treated for it as I cannot for my skin colour. There is too much ignorance in the world, be it regarding DS or depression.]
Posted by: James Taylor | December 16th, 2007 at 11:35 am | Report this comment
Answers to any other questions you may have in mind come only after you have determined the answer to these two:
1 Are you suffering from a bad case of ‘the blues’, or from clinical depression? (Determine which–in consultation with a medical professional.)
2 Are you eager to tell because you feel down and feel a need for someone to ‘understand’, or because you feel that those who are compelled to take up the slack from your periodic and extended absences deserve to know the extent of their future burden? (Determine which–by yourself or with family.)
Posted by: HKLivingston, 26, private banker | December 17th, 2007 at 5:39 am | Report this comment
After reading your problems I can only write few words of solace - I feel with you because I have the same problem.

I am utterly depressed lately and have taken few sick-leaves in past months. I can only miss out work for few days or so and it is not enough to recover. I lie that I have flu or something. Pills don’t help (sertraline), although I take the prescribed dose for more than a year (I noticed the depression always gets worse in the winter, with all the cold and fog & clouds).

Recently I have lost pretty much all of the enthusiasm for work, for many reasons (low paid and highly stressful job, disturbing work mates, etc.). Although I have very good educational background, I live and work in Eastern Europe, in developing economy where you can not accomplish a lot on your own (i.e if you don’t have the right political connections or family behind you). Despite promises our government is sinking into inflation, living and working conditions are getting worse, air is more and more polluted and sometimes I just feel like a wage slave (which in fact I am…), commuting to work every F** single day, for low pay and more stress-inducing and wreck-nerving job…

I also work in the area where you have to appear dynamic and challenged all the time. At least I don’t have to smile at customers, but still I deal with the environment where to admit that I am depressed would be literally social suicide and probably most of the colleagues would think I have gone insane or have some serious mental problem.

But I also think that prejudice is very apparent in our societies despite the fact that more and more people get depressed for obvious reasons - we know that the way we live is not good for us and that capitalism in its worst form is alienating us from what we should be as human beings…

I read lots of Erich Fromm’s works lately and I realize that he was right - the future ain’t bright if we continue to destroy ourselves, the civilization, the environment.

It is just that some of us are more sensible - our skin and hearts haven’t hardened enough - and we feel the sign of the times but can not do much about it - hence the depression.

Only you can decide if your boss is understanding enough to appreciate your truthfulness. But be prepared that he (she) might give it out to somebody else and rumors will spread… adding more and more and in the end your simple clinical depression will be described as “he has gone mental” etc.

I wish you all the best.
Posted by: nqab, 35 | December 17th, 2007 at 5:57 pm | Report this comment
You are a walking time bomb. Your days of getting by through projected confidence or even aggression in such an environment are over. Being rumbled is inevitable, and the longer you drag it out, the more rumours there will be about you and you will make basic mistakes. If you can afford it, find something where you can be yourself without the alpha male act and go gracefully. If you are forced out in ignominious circumstances, many doors will be shut for you - the City has a long collective memory.
Posted by: Fallen angel | December 18th, 2007 at 6:40 pm | Report this comment
don’t throw pearls in front of pigs. and get a good therapist.
good luck!
Posted by: dee | December 20th, 2007 at 10:09 am | Report this comment
Good grief what sort of problem is this? If you know you are, and have been depressed for some time, get some professional help and deal with the situation instead of whinning on about it and boring us with this kind of problem this week.
Posted by: Laura | December 20th, 2007 at 4:24 pm | Report this comment
So you’ve discovered that you’re a grown-up working with a bunch of boys who feel they have to keep punching each other in a jokey-but-quite-hard way just to fit in. That would depress anybody with a brain. Start making escape plans. Save money. Re-train. Look around for a career that will maximize your happiness, not just your earnings. Hint: maybe work in a place where there are some ladies.
Posted by: Brian, 38, Creative Director | December 20th, 2007 at 8:12 pm | Report this comment
Dear all,

Over the holiday season the comments posted to the blog will be pre-moderated by FT staff. This may result in a delay in your comment appearing, but we will keep these delays to a minimum. We will return to post-moderating comments at the start of 2008.

Many thanks for all your contributions, and best wishes for the season.
Posted by: Damian Carrington, Interactive Editor, FT.com | December 21st, 2007 at 2:23 pm | Report this comment
Your question specifically relates to how your problem with depression impacts your position in banking. Remember that it is just a job. Have something else in your life, whether it is your faith, family or a hobby. This simple bit of advice was given to me by a reknown CEO of a major, worldwide company. This advice has helped me immeasureably, to put things into perspective. You can always get another job, but you only have one life to live. All the best to you.
Posted by: Gerald | December 22nd, 2007 at 12:04 am | Report this comment
Depression is a tough one. I sympathise - let me give you some hope, I fought that battle and won it. Practically speaking first off, it’s England not the US where it’s OK to discuss what your therapist says (not being sarcastic, it’s really OK, I know because I grew up in the US) - say as little as possible in the workplace while you deal with it. There will be some people you can and should tell however. You say your persona at work is aggressive. So you “wear the face” all day of Mr Tough Guy. If that’s not who you really are, and I suspect it’s not given your comments, there’s a possible cause of your depression. In my case depression was anger and other feelings turned inward and used against myself rather than expressed in a healthy way. Depression can be chemical and also caused from the way you see and deal with the outside world. To cut a long story short, I stopped being depressed when I worked with a therapist and 1)learnt to like, value and accept myself 2) stopped caring so much what others thought of me and said about me 3) took a limited course of medication 4) used an SAD light in the British winter 5) exercised regularly. Items #1 and 5 keep me from being depressed any longer. Please don’t be ashamed, depression is very common. Therapists can be very helpful and don’t have to take years or hundreds of pounds to be effective. Think of it as management consulting for your private life! After all, your company wouldn’t think twice about hiring an outsider to give some objective advice if business weren’t going well and teach the employees new skills to improve performance!! I do hope you overcome it and get to feeling happy again. It’s good you wrote asking for advice, that means you want to get better. Best wishes.
Posted by: Suzanne | December 31st, 2007 at 1:05 pm | Report this comment
Dear blog readers

First of all, happy new year to you all.

Following the holiday season, comments are now back to being post-moderated, as before.

I look forward to reading your valued contributions in 2008.
Posted by: Damian Carrington, Interactive Editor, FT.com | January 2nd, 2008 at 11:41 am | Report this comment
As my expensive Harley Street psychiatrist said to me - LIE!

If it’s clinical depresion, it’s chemical, and all the talking cures in the world won’t even begin to make an impact. Medication stops you from killing yourself, so on the whole it’s a good idea. CBT is the only talking cure to have any (and I do mean any) scientific validation, so be grateful you can have access to it - thirty years ago when I was so very close to throwing myself in from of a Tube train on not one but several occasions over long period, it did not exist.

True clinical depression is not being a bit down, and you can’t talk yourself out of it. It is a serious, life-threatening condition (maybe genetic, maybe chemical, but the one thing it isn’t is YOUR FAULT). Treat it as such, recognise it and yes, do get help, but please go through recognised medical channels first, because believe me, you’re not as mad as some of the ‘therapists’ out thre.

And LIE to your colleagues because they will think it’s weakness, some may choose to exploit it, and none - unless they have had experience - will understand it. Those that do may be even more afraid of it than you are - so hardly a win-win.

Oh, yes, and depression does affect your judgement, and you may not be seeing that. How could it fail to?

This may be in your own assessment of your current performance, or whether you are really suited to your job (which you may be) or a variety of other aspects. Depresssion really does significantly affect your ability to interpret - or even see - what is in front of your eyes.

If you are still capable of these actions, go to a medically qualified CBT practitioner and start working on an action plan. If you are not, go to your doctor for some anti-depressants until you are back in a state of mind where you can.

I’ve lost friends to this condition and I came damn close myself on more than one occasion - as some have said above, it’s your life we’re talking about.

The job may be the way you currently define your life, and hell, something’s got to pay for all this CBT etc because you won’t get it on the NHS, but it is not who you are, any more than the depression is.

You can get past this condition, but - as one of the other posts has mentioned - you are unlikely to ever lose it. There is no ‘cure’ in the current state of understanding. You will walk with it every day. It will require understanding and managing from now on in, and it may - hopefully not, but may - need medication. Incidentally, that’s no more a ‘weakness’ than a diabetic who needs insulin.

An odd thing - the Stephen Fry TV programmes were good about this. Those of us who live with it - and I started having depressive episodes when I was about six - would not normally give up having had the experience, even though it has taken us to the brink. You may not have felt you walked with angels, but maybe you have - and you certainly have had a closer view than most of the fragility as well as the splendour of the human spirit.

Good luck, you are not alone, and may your burden lighten with each step of your journey.
Posted by: manticore | January 2nd, 2008 at 12:20 pm | Report this comment
I have had depression severely in the past and mildly more recently. The thing that strikes me is how depression impairs your decision making processes (such as seeking answers from strangers on a forum). If you start to discuss your problems with colleagues you may later regret what you share. The excessive navel gazing that depression is certainly not sensible to discuss with colleauges - so don’t open any temptation to discuss this!

As others have stated you are at work to do your job. Full stop. If personal problems - whatever they are - mean you cannot then take the time to deal with them.

The flip benefit to you is that you have no obligation to explain ANYTHING to your colleagues. One way to handle things is to make a broad brush statement such as “I’m not well at the present so I will be taking some time off” moving straight into managing your absence in business terms (moving meetings, arranging necessary cover) will suffice for most people. If people press for details you can just say that you prefer not to discuss it.

The advantage to this is its honest so easier to pull off when you are feeling fragile and you keep your facade. You can take the decisions about this later. Just preserve your work self and take the time to get well again, GP, meds, therapy, whatever works for you. It will also impress your boss who you will need to be honest with and make returning to work easier.
Posted by: SJ | January 3rd, 2008 at 1:18 am | Report this comment
I have suffered from manic depression for many years. I would definitely not “come out”. Admitting to suffering from depression is akin to admitting that you are gay. It is a taboo subject. If you have suffered from depression for over 10 years, then I am sure that your work colleagues have observed changes in your behaviour over time. They are probably just too polite to mention it.

I suspect that your agression is a symptom of your condition. I have had violent outbursts over the years and they often signify pent up frustration. Are you overly agressive at work to vent your anger in order to relieve the everyday stresses of your job?

I personally find that stress exacerbates my mood swings, but even when I am on holiday or at the weekend, I still suffer from depression, albeit more moderately than while at work. Like other contributors, I would agree that you need to learn to live with depression and preferably to seek a less stressful job.

In my opinion, depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. My mood swings are like the changing weather, and on occasions I can almost physically feel the switch from a manic phase to a depressed phase. It would also help to read more about the condition. Many public libaries have a good selection of books on the topic. This helped me to deal with my depression, in particular my panic attacks.

Many successful people have suffered from depresion. These include Alistair Campbell, Stephen Fry and Winston Churchill. You just have to live with, in the words of Winston Churchill, “the black dog”.

I strongly suspect that Lucy Kellaway herself suffers from depression. Maybe this is why the question was posed? Lucy has become much more open about her feelings in her columns over the years. I can spot many of the tell tale times in descrptions of her behaviour. Maybe Lucy herself is trying, in her own inimitable way, to “come out”.

Lastly, I agree that the FT needs to do more to raise the awareness of depression which, according to recent estimates, affects 1 in 6 people.

Lawyer, Male, 34.
Posted by: Pip Squeak | January 4th, 2008 at 9:03 pm | Report this comment
The last thing you should ever do is tell anyone that you have depression. Although it is relatively common, the stigma of mental diseases still remains in this society. Even your so called friends and close colleagues may treat you differently. I would definitely seek professional advice. HR should also be avoided like the plague as their interests are not the same as yours - contrary to any policies that they may claim to uphold. At the end of the day, they are there to help maximize profits for the company and depressed people are not viewed as productive people. Eventually, if you take ‘too much’ time off, you may be referred to an Occupational Therapist/Company Doctor who will relay any findings back to your HR department. You do not have to be honest with them but be prepared. Just remember that you could end up more depressed by not having a job, so think of yourself first - even if this means lying to a company doctor.

As a side point, having worked in large corporations in the city for a number of years, I have to say that if you yourself are admitting that you are aggressive in the office, then you need to consider that your behaviour may amount to bullying and someone else’s depression. If you really care about depression and other people, you need to change your ways for yourself and your fellow employees. It’s no excuse to say ‘it’s a macho culture at work so I have to be the same’ This just makes you weak and pathetic. If you want to be inwardly strong, resist the urge to be aggressive and be nice to people in the office. A more friendly office will benefit everyone and who knows, your depression could even ease as a result.

Consultant, Male, 38
Posted by: Been there | January 5th, 2008 at 1:32 am | Report this comment
Re the main point, my recommendations are;
- tell no one.
- Dont tell the boss - ever. It will do you no benefit and he really dosent want to be burdened with your private life.
- take the medication happily - I found my head clearer, my thinking more incisive and my decision making much improved due to the medication. When the fog of depression is lifted, there is better vision. I found the effects of the medication had a huge benefit at work. BUT it would have been ruined by “oh, but it really the ….(med)… that hes on thats doing the thinking - I mean, how reliable can he be? One day he forgets his pills and we are carting him off to the funny farm” and other absurd twaddle. But mud sticks.
- Why tell no one? 80% of people, especially in a work situation will be negative in their interpretations of other people and their actions. 20% will give you the benefit of the doubt or interpret another persons actions or words charitibly. This 80% will effect your career.
Posted by: Been there too | January 5th, 2008 at 7:51 am | Report this comment
Having read Lucy’s comments today in the paper, I have to say I’m a little disappointed in her answer. Just a little - mainly she gives practical, humourous, useful advice. While it is healthy to be able to change your persona to fit the situation, if being aggressive all day when you really are not that way is not necessarily healthy as Lucy states. And that’s not armchair therapy. To be fair, we don’t know enough in this man’s case to make a call on whether his Mr Aggressive act is really a cause or symptom or even anything at all having to do with his depression. And is there no medium ground between telling no one and telling a few people you can trust?! That option seems to be completely ignored. However, I do agree with Lucy the man in question shouldn’t feel bad about keeping his depression with depression largely to himself. And agreed that it’s better to go public (if you so choose) when you have it under control.
Posted by: Suzanne | January 9th, 2008 at 12:46 pm | Report this comment
I meant battle with depression
Posted by: suzanne | January 9th, 2008 at 12:47 pm | Report this comment
Never, ever tell anyone at work that you suffer from depression. It’s got a huge stigma and you’ll be tainted with it. Tell friends, sure, but keep quiet about it at work.
Posted by: rbw1 | January 14th, 2008 at 1:05 pm | Report this comment
When I got depressed as a result of overwork, I ended up leaving the job. Boss wasn’t interested in my problems as he had enough of his own. HR were “supportive” short-term but had their own agenda. My way out of the mire was to recognise depression as a rational response to the pressures I’d subjected myself to. Hard truth. It took a long time to recover.
Posted by: PK | January 15th, 2008 at 7:34 pm | Report this comment
You mention that you “fear the consequences” of telling them about your depression. Have you considered the consequences if you don’t get a handle on what’s bothering you?

You also mention that you fear that they may be talking behind your back. Either they are and have already noticed that something is not quite right or you can add being paranoid to your list.

You mention that you fear they may think you can’t hack it at your job. Maybe you can’t - no shame in that.

Fear seems to be a common theme in depression.See more on self-helping and dealing with psychological troubles…
Posted by: StyleSwag | January 19th, 2008 at 7:42 pm | Report this comment
It sounds like you have the right idea. Stay out of work until you get better. Keep your cover; don’t let them know about your issue.

If you think your leave going to be really long term, it might be better to just leave your job, and make a clean break.

Once you are feeling better, re-applying to your previous job or a new job will probably be a lot easier.
Posted by: Steve | January 23rd, 2008 at 8:14 am | Report this comment
I agree with the comments about the City and depression. One is expected to master every deal - while you can not control what your client does. Your clients are not individual people - they are large organisations. They dont necessarily do what you advise - whether it is logical or not. Or they may owe a favor to another bank. Yet I have seen people fired, had their careers ruined, because they didnt win a deal. When will City bosses start basing awards on decision making and right action rather than things out of their employees’ control? When one’s livelihood depends on this, and one can not easily change careers (not easy in one’s 40s), then depression is likely.
Posted by: Dave | February 1st, 2008 at 1:00 pm | Report this comment
Depression is a medical condition that is difficult to accept, for oneself or for others. Would we expect someone with no legs to run a marathon? No! But depression is not always perceived as a medical condition.

You seem to acknowledge depression, good for you. But others might not.

The key point to me is that you are both able and willing to carry on doing your job well while dealing with your depression. You can learn to live with depression in the background and not necessarily let it let you down.

If you are not as fun as you used to be, that’s your colleagues’ loss.
Posted by: coco, 35, male, COO | February 5th, 2008 at 1:43 pm | Report this comment
Exercice everyday. Leave the job earlier. Sleep more. Spend time with friends and girls. Eat food you like. Drink less. Read. Take some real vacations. If you don’t have time for this, it is normal that you are depressed. You’re not doing anything with your life.
Posted by: John, 31 | February 15th, 2008 at 10:33 pm | Report this comment
17.2.08

thankfully there is a great way out and its advisable to get intouch with the roehampton priory who are very good. at the same time its essential for you to get behaviour therapy going with a 1 to 1 behaviour therapist. this will help with your daily stresslevely and workstability too. you can get in touch with them easily and everything can be arranged fairly simply. 0208 8768261. I hope this is going to be of use - but getting some extra support is a very good thing indeed.
Posted by: MICHAEL STEVENS | February 17th, 2008 at 11:11 am | Report this comment
Do not tell the truth! Work is not the place you can discuss such things.Just try to go on fulfiling your duties and meanwhile visit a good psychologist and do your bst to fight depression finding out the rasons of it. But never show your weaknesses at work! I also used to have depression, even cried when I went back home. But I never showed my felings among collagues.
Posted by: Anna,23, female, specialist in marketing | April 15th, 2008 at 9:12 am | Report this comment

Answers may be published in the Financial Times newspaper. Please include your first name (surname is not needed), email address, gender, age and job title. Want to report an offensive or unsuitable comment? Our comment guidelines, including reporting procedures, can be found here.