January 23, 2008
‘My husband works from home now and it’s destroying our marriage’
My husband’s large aerospace company "went virtual" a year ago. He now works at home from 6.15am to 4.15pm Monday through Friday. He never takes a vacation and is in the house all day long. He has started complaining to friends and co-workers that being with me 24/7 is driving him crazy. It is driving me crazy too and I don’t know what to do about it. I could walk the streets all day - which might at least make me very fit - or I could sit in Starbucks all day and chat with other grande latte drinkers who have nowhere else to go. These don’t seem ideal solutions but I don’t see how we can continue to be in the house all day without destroying our marriage.
Housewife, female, 66
Dear Housewife, remember that it could be much worse. Market rumour is that my husband, who is in detention in America, is going to jail for a very, very long time as he was a bit of a silly boy with his Blackberry. Even the tin hat wearing toon army who write Alphaville have written that they think he is guilty!!
However I live in hope that his long term employer/partner…one Ms Kellaway I believe…will come up with an explanation which will allow him to be released and continue to give the beleagured banking community a laugh - not something we are seeing much of at the moment!!
Posted by: Mrs Lukes, married to MD, pregnant, 35 | January 23rd, 2008 at 3:03 pm | Report this commentFind a room where he can work undisturbed or, better, if you have the money, convert the garden shed into a home office with a kettle/coffe maker and fridge. You can then treat him as being out of the house. Identify a room where you will be and where he will not disturb you.
If you need to escape, enrol on a course at a local college to learn a new skill and meet people. Join a gym. Become a trainspotter. Whatever.
But you knew all this already. Maybe the issue is that you don’t like spending time with each other - hence him never taking a holiday - in which case what’s going to happen on retirement? Bigger picture is sort out your relationship. But you knew that too, didn’t you?
Posted by: Simon | January 23rd, 2008 at 3:58 pm | Report this comment1)You need to get some stickers “My husband drives me crazy, I drive myself everywhere else”, for laughs, and stick them around the house and on your car.
2)Get a dog! All the “walkies” will do your health and figure a lot of good. Insist however that your husband takes the dog out first thing in the morning (preferably at dawn) and last thing at midnight.
3) If you are reasonably intelligent (and can count up to 13), then learn to play bridge and you will hardly ever be at home at all.
Posted by: FH | January 23rd, 2008 at 4:16 pm | Report this commentDo something that gets you out of the house like joining a bridge club, hillwalking, a charity stall or whatever. It will be a bind to start with until the weather improves, but will give you ample time to establish the agenda over the summer. In the Autumn you can determine a compromise. He may have got a bit bored by then and you can get him to compromise (take a holiday, find some shared office space for part of the week or something along those lines). If not you can tell him you are going to climb a foreign mountain with the ladies from your outdoor activity.
Posted by: WB | January 23rd, 2008 at 6:02 pm | Report this commentBe of use. You have a brain, since you read the FT, so use it for the benefit of others. Giving yourself a purpose will help you, your husband, and the world. Print up some “Free Martin Lukes” bumper stickers and sell them for charity (if Lucy approves).
Posted by: Julia, 56, copyeditor | January 23rd, 2008 at 7:06 pm | Report this commentSomehow everybody seems to think that you should be the one doing something. I would beg to differ. Working from home for extended periods of time is clearly driving YOUR HUSBAND bonkers, which does not surprise me at all. I am running a medium sized consulting business and could, theoretically, work from home for two (or so) days a week. But I won’t. No matter how “virtual” a business is and how professional you can run it from home, your husband needs some real-life interaction. He should go out and meet his staff, clients or contacts in the city; have business lunches; join the IOD and work from their premises occasionally; rent a small office in a central location for a couple of days a week or month (there are a few companies providing excellent service on that front). Shoo! Shoo! Get HIM to go out more. He is the one going mad.
Posted by: Hans | January 23rd, 2008 at 10:51 pm | Report this commentYou could always get a job yourself.
Posted by: SKC | January 23rd, 2008 at 10:56 pm | Report this commentHow about engage yourself in charity works. Join the community church choir or whatever you feel like doing. Do something creative at least once a week just to break the monotony. Good luck!
Posted by: Mel | January 24th, 2008 at 5:49 am | Report this commentDuh! Get him out of the house and into a serviced office near home. The company will pay for if it saves them from losing the productivity of an employee who is ‘going through a rough patch at home’. He’ll be able to concentrate better once he’s out of the house, you’ll get some space. Easy.
Posted by: Andy | January 24th, 2008 at 8:25 am | Report this commentAlthough you husband may remain within your house, when he is ‘at work’, he is not ‘at home’. One couple I know have always both worked ‘from home’. They designated part of their house ‘work’, and part ‘home’. Separate phone lines, don’t answer the door to ‘home’ visitors when at work, the lot.
One home-working man I know has a wife who could not understand this. If he was within shouting distance, why could he not unblock the sink? He now rents an office close to their house.
Posted by: Ian 52 M retired | January 24th, 2008 at 9:21 am | Report this commentIt is a sad indictment of your life and marriage that your only options seem to be to walk the streets or sit in Starbucks - I assume that you are American. It could be a harbinger of what is to come when your husband retires and for that reason, you should both attend marriage counselling as soon as possible. Putting him in a serviced office, a garden shed or an attic room, if these are options, might help in the short term. In addition, it sounds like you personally need to discover interests and activities which take you outside of your home.
Posted by: James | January 24th, 2008 at 10:28 am | Report this commentDivorce immediately and get out of this loveless sham.
Posted by: ConnorJ 27,m,Headhunter | January 24th, 2008 at 10:53 am | Report this commentDear 66 year old female housewife,
You should identify that (1) he is the one being selfish (2)he should take up a room in the house where he should try and remain whilst he is working (3)you should not make any arrangements to stay out of his way, what are you a mouse?? (4) enforce gently set times when he can come out for breaks/lunch.etc because the rest of the time you will be busy in your own home: invite friends over for lunch/coffee/be busy doing your things TV/ironing etc so he is not able to just interrupt your day-to-day life too (5) go out by all means but do things around your own agenda and interests (6) be out doing things you enjoy not doing things that make you resent the fact that you are out of the house because of him!(7) when he finishes at the end of his work day greet him with a large drink (8) arrange to have dinner like civilised people at the table or out somewhere nice.
We all need boundaries and encouragement!
Posted by: Ebru Smith | January 24th, 2008 at 11:03 am | Report this commentSimple: why don’t you get a job? After years where he was out and you at home, you’ll just switch! You don’t need the extra income, so you will be able to choose a job simply based on what you like, even charity.
Posted by: Enrico Boerger | January 24th, 2008 at 11:24 am | Report this commentPresuming that your husband is a couple of years older than yourself, which is the usual, what is the poor chap doing working everyday at 68 anyway….hasn’t he earnt his retirement. And if you can’t stand him about the house when he’s working, what will you do when he does retire…..best get a divorce now!
Posted by: dudley holley | January 24th, 2008 at 11:27 am | Report this commentMust close as my wife has just asked, ‘aren’t you going out yet!’.
What’s your problem? You both work from home, he works on his aerospace stuff and you on the house stuff, so you should both be busy and not at all in each other’s face. Is there something else that bothers you? Is it perhaps the fact that you feel he is spying on you? He sees what you do or, even worse, don’t do all day long? Or, is it that you will never again be able to enjoy watching a morning TV chat show (which you used to occasionally watch but never of course admit to doing so)? Don’t worry, he will soon join you in watching brain chewing gum - in minute doses it does wonders for relaxing the brain - and you will soon have fun living & working in the same house and (bonus) you will never have to lie to him about your “chat shows” indulgence ( though you may want to consider keeping it secret from your teenage kids, there will be no ending in their using the same argument to watch TV or, even worse, spend their days on Facebook)
Agathokles, male, 39 and a (very successful working from home) Entrepreneur
Posted by: Agathokles | January 24th, 2008 at 11:32 am | Report this commentHa Ha. Did that myself a few years ago but was wise enough to send the old bat out to work instead.
Posted by: Bharat Kewalramani | January 24th, 2008 at 12:07 pm | Report this commentEvan andersen, 29, Male, HF Trader
A few things come to mind:
1. Ask the company if he can have an office for 1 week out of the month at a Regus office or something, this way at least there is one week he is not there for.
2. Have more sex.
3. Make sure to get out of the house on daily walks and go friends houses and play bridge.
4. Get massages regularly and bring him along, it will destress you both and create a positive enviornment for both of you.
Cheers,
Evan Andersen
Posted by: evan andersen | January 24th, 2008 at 12:37 pm | Report this commentYou are 66 years old. Chances are that your husband will retire soon. If you cannot stand having him around all day, divorce him asap. It will not become better.
Posted by: Anonymous | January 24th, 2008 at 1:13 pm | Report this commentI’ve *dreamed* of finding an excuse for sitting in Starbucks all day, reading and thinking about people and things, or engaging in other un-gainful employment! It is your duty as a housewife to help your husband get on with his job, so seize this opportunity to ditch the thankless housework, make yourself scarce during the day, and be thanked for it. Or we could swap jobs, if you like.
Posted by: Maggie, 36, civil servant (though I really wanted to write film scripts) | January 24th, 2008 at 1:34 pm | Report this commentI’m passionately in love with Teleworking. . . but in my case, my wife works oustide home, so I enjoy being alone, when the kids are at school and she’s working somewhere around the globe….
Posted by: Claudio | January 24th, 2008 at 6:58 pm | Report this commentYou’re right - you can’t both be in the house all day and have your marriage survive. One of you has got to bite the bullet and do something about this - doesn’t sound like it’s going to be him! Disregarding divorce for the time being, you could consider a combination of the following:
1. converting your garage/third/fourth bedroom etc into an office for him
2. getting a job / volunteering somewhere
3. studying for a second degree, in something you enjoy
4. going on holiday without him, either with your friends or solo (be sure to tell him what a fabulous time you had and I reckon he’ll come with you next time).
Good luck!
Posted by: GLH | January 25th, 2008 at 10:28 am | Report this comment1 When two people think they like each other’s company, they meet for a few hours each on dates.
2 When they marry and eventually realise there are limits to how much of each other they can stand at one stretch, one or both goes out during the day, and they meet at home for a few hours each before and after sleep.
Those who are spared the realisation are blessed with bliss. Those who realise but refuse to do something about it are headed for divorce.
Posted by: HKLivingston, 26, investment banker | January 25th, 2008 at 12:13 pm | Report this commentKick Him Out!
Posted by: Michael | January 25th, 2008 at 6:08 pm | Report this commentBuy him a squash racket and encourage him to play three times a week. If he’s out of shape and carrying a few pounds of overweight a huge coronary should solve your problem once and for all.
Posted by: Jasmin | January 26th, 2008 at 12:36 pm | Report this commentI agree with those posters who say he (and you) need to agree boundaries. I presume you don’t live in a bedsit, and that he isn’t building planes in your back garden. He should have a self-contained office at home, sit in it and work, and at 4.15 he can emerge and shout “honey I’m home” (that is an incredibly civilised time to stop work, by the way, and an even better time to get “home”).
So unless you are constantly pestering him or like to have a daily bash on your drum kit it seems unlikely you could be driving him mad. Just leave him alone, come and go as you please and don’t speak to him. If he can’t live with even the odd creaking floorboard then, yes, tell him to get a “virtual” office somewhere else.
Posted by: Mark, 41, manager | January 28th, 2008 at 1:47 pm | Report this commentDear Housewife,
You were there first, so please let your husband make most of the necessary adjustments for working at home. You are not being specific about our living conditions or financial situation, but generally key to working from home successfully is the ability to create boundaries between ‘work’ and ‘home’, so a separate room with phone, computer, small fridge and a coffee maker should serve as an excellent office for your husband to be confined to without disturbing your peace or destroying your marriage. If there is no proper room maybe you should rent one from the neighbors.
In any case, my feeling is that there is more underneath the surface of this question.
Posted by: Haim, consultant, male, 48, Long Beach, CA | January 28th, 2008 at 10:13 pm | Report this commentA husband possessing a large aerospace company should either be nurtured or certified (dependant on whether “going virtual” is a step up from “putative”). Either way, steal a good idea. Your language does seem American, so the British Library is probably not convenient but most (if not all) US states have a Patent and Trade Mark depository at a commodious free library and would make a good main base for your husbands endeavors. Any residual excess spousal contact could be eliminated by the shed/garage conversion route although this is more traditional for the internet start up rather than the established aerospace.
Posted by: Ironybrew, Male, 58, Retired | January 30th, 2008 at 4:00 am | Report this commentBuy a bigger house. That’s what retired people do to avoid each other. Or get a job yourself.
Posted by: Sandy | January 30th, 2008 at 5:57 pm | Report this commentDear 66 year old female housewife,
How about seeing what you could do to make the world a better place over the next few years?
Posted by: Tony | January 31st, 2008 at 10:43 am | Report this commentLearn an instrument.
Posted by: Peter T | January 31st, 2008 at 5:04 pm | Report this commentI have every sympathy for your reaction. It’s far easier to get along with someone when you don’t see them most of the time.
Posted by: Dan, 33, Philanthropist | January 31st, 2008 at 7:05 pm | Report this commentBut don’t kid yourself that the job is the problem. Virtual job. Virtual marriage. Since it seems like you prefer to be indoors and don’t want him, the options are limited. You need to tell him to either:
1. unwind the virtual revolution; or
2. take up an outdoor pursuit; golf is the affluent pensioners’ favourite; or
3. get you a separate house.
I worked from home for 17 years with no problems. My husband also worked from home in aseparate studio. You need to respect each other’s space. His office should be out of bounds while he is working. I am not surprised he is going crazy if you are in his face all the time he is trying to work. Why not meet for lunch at a set time everyday and otherwise give each other room to do your own thing.
Posted by: carole chapman | February 16th, 2008 at 4:40 pm | Report this commentSurely you must have a spare room or study where all his work stuff can be confined. Separate telephone lines and answering machines are essential.
What do you do with your time? surely you can’t spend all your time lolling around. Do something interesting and then when you are together you will have something more stmulating to talk about thna the ironing.
Good luck
Retired now female 62
17.2.08
I had to work from home for a time too but it was very practical and beneficial AT THE TIME. what we found very useful, if one can afford it, is to buy an office on wheels which is no more than say a chrysler voyager with an office type furnishing inside or a smaller well equipped camper will do as well. it comes equipped with all electricals heating tv etc. and is mobile any time so you can do your errands in between as well. I DONT KNOW IF THIS CAN BE AN OPTION BUT KEEP YOUR WIFE BUSY AS WELL AND MAYBE SHE CAN HELP WITH ASPECTS OF THE JOB. E.G. ERRANDS PHONES AND COPYING ETC.
IT IS HOWEVER IMPORTANT THAT YOU GET ON. SO WORK ON PROVIDING ENOUGH SPACE FOR EACH ONE OF YOU.
REGARDS,
Posted by: MICHAEL STEVENS | February 17th, 2008 at 10:53 am | Report this commentMPG
Sounds like your husband needs some urgent therapy around the benefits of working from home. I have been doing it for ten years and it has made our lives much richer: I can cook an evening meal and do the shopping for it, help out with the household chores, talk to the central heating guy myself (as I did this morning when the boiler needed fixing). When the sun is shining I can take my laptop and sit under the apple tree with a glass of wine. I even go for a 9-hole round of golf when the weather is especially nice. And yes, I can enjoy working in the evenings or at weekends when it is necessary or I feel inspired. My wife has been able to take a part-time job and we actually enjoy being together more often in the day time, although it was a bit scary in the beginning.
Trying to recreate the office environment at home is a big mistake imho. Better to take the opportunity to revisit your joint lifestyles and make things happen differently. The productivity gains of working from home (no commute, no pointless meetings, no inane chatter around the coffe machine, etc, etc) are so substantial that your husband and yourself can both get a lot more done and have a lot more fun.
Of course, divorce is also an option in the last resort.
Male, 55, Vice President
Posted by: Chris | February 22nd, 2008 at 12:11 pm | Report this commentWhen the “man is home”, the wife wants to “boss him” or “enjoy him” thru social “chit-chating with him”. “bossing” won’t work.
Posted by: DIVAD 55 male, sales | February 22nd, 2008 at 8:38 pm | Report this comment“enjoying” him, is usually on “his terms and time” and not yours, unfortunately. It is a problem for a lot of couples that spend “time(too much)together, in “retirement”. No easy solution except find another couple or 2 or 3, and “chum around” together.in a clean way.
I am loving the simple elegance of “Learn an instrument.” Perhaps the bagpipes?
Seriously - boundaries. And that includes around yourself, not initiating chitchat or expecting him to acknowledge you if he is concentrating and you walk by the desk. Hopefully there’s a room you don’t need to be in during the workday.
Posted by: Kristi | February 26th, 2008 at 2:13 am | Report this comment