It is half term and I have sent my 10-year-old son off on his own to an adventure camp. The centre called last night to say he is really homesick, and I have spoken to them again this morning and he is still miserable. I would like to get into the car now and pick him up but if I go today it will mean being out of the office, and missing my annual appraisal with my boss – and she is famously disapproving of women who let their children interfere with their work. Should I let my unhappy son wait another day? Or should I go and get him now? In which case, do I tell my boss the truth – that my son isn’t even ill, just homesick – or do I pretend to be ill myself?
Manager, female 39        

Lucy’s Answer

If your son is 10, I’m surprised you’re not an old hand at dealing with these little crises by now. Work pulls one way, children the other, leaving you in the middle trying to untangle the strands of duty, fear and guilt. It is never nice, or easy.

A lot of readers have written in saying smugly: “I always put my children first.” This is remarkably unhelpful. We all put our children first - subject to the constraints of earning a living and having a career. The two clash, often, and in each case you have to weigh up two competing evils.

In your case, it isn’t clear what putting your son first means. That depends on your attitude to misery, to homesickness and to the building of backbone. Perfectly reasonable-sounding parents disagree on this violently. Many believe that children benefit from being unhappy but I’ve never seen how misery helps form character at all.

I was the wimpiest, most homesick child in my class. I remember every horrible minute of my school trip to Belgium at 10, and it formed my character only to the extent that I discovered staying away from home was hell and that I would have to plan carefully in future to avoid ever letting it happen again.

If I were you I’d get into that car right now and go and get him. As for the work appraisal, that’s easy too: I would lie.

Many readers say your boss sounds so awful you should look for a new job. This is too extreme. If she is famously disapproving about family demands then everyone else simply needs to be famously disinclined to tell the truth - and working life can then proceed more or less as normal.

With any luck, your annual appraisal, usually a wretched waste of time, may be postponed or, better still, forgotten about altogether.

February 21, 2008 4:02am in Dear Lucy | Comment