May 1, 2008
‘Do I have to hang-out with my team in order to advance?’
I work for an investment bank in a team of 15, and I am the only woman. My colleagues endlessly stand around talking -both on business and private matters - as well as going out for coffee or drinks and to the gym.
I work long hours and don’t want to hang out with people from work. I hate the “team dinners” and usually don’t go as I feel I am unwelcome and prevent them from talking “man talk”. My managing director told me at my last appraisal I should spend more time with the team - which is ridiculous as I already spend 14 hours a day with them. Do I have to do as he says if I want to advance?
Banker, female, 24
Lucy’s Answer
When I was 22, I was the only woman on a male team in a bank. I often used to go out drinking with my colleagues and I gained two things from the experience: savage headaches and an even more savage anxiety over what I had said the night before. I doubt if any of my team-mates liked me any more for my copycat drinking and if my boss was impressed he never let on. It was all quite sad: I was trying to fit in and failing, not just because I was a woman but because I was altogether in the wrong job. It isn’t clear from your message if you are suited to banking or not. You don’t mention crying in the loo, so I assume that otherwise you are happy enough.
You ask if you can advance without hobnobbing. The answer is yes, at least for a bit. You think your sex is against you; actually it is rather in your favour. Being one in 15 means that if your manager fails to nurture you, he will be forced by HR to go on painful diversity training courses. I suspect he has told you to socialise because that is his crass way of nurturing you.
I suggest you forget about spending extra time with the team and concentrate on being more friendly during the 14 hours you are cooped up with them.
You say they spend time standing around talking. Surely you can manage this too? It is easy – you just need to stand around and talk. If you can’t do that, then you have quite a serious problem and need to think about quitting.
You mention coffee, drinks, the gym. Your strategy on these respectively is yes, no and no way. As for the team dinners, you should attend very occasionally and be as charming as you can. Otherwise just say no. Some of your team-mates may even grudgingly respect you for having a sliver of life outside.
I see 3 options for you:
1. Join the team - in a male domanited environment either you join them or you will be stuck with no chance to progress your career.
2. Move to another team in the same company where there are more women.
3. Change jobs - and be more carefull when looking for a new role i.e. find out more about your future team!
Posted by: Marketer, Female, 29 | May 1st, 2008 at 9:52 am | Report this commentHell no..your free time is exactly that..your own personal escape from the purgatory we call work. I’ve worked for an investment bank abroad for 8 years and have managed to swerve every single corporate shindig. If someone gives you a hard time just quote the latest HR buzzphrase..”work/lifestyle balance”. No-one obviously knows what this crap means but betchya it works.
Posted by: Stuart Neie | May 1st, 2008 at 10:06 am | Report this commentTwo things really leap out from what you say. 1, that you differentiate yourself by your gender ‘I am the only woman’, and 2, that your MD is telling you to spend more time with the team.
If even your MD has spotted that you spend no time with your colleagues (other than the hours that you are all forcibly confined in the office together) then you can bet that the rest of them have noticed, and have drawn their own - possibly not terribly flattering - conclusions about why you don’t appear to want to be around them. They will probably have mentioned this to him too, as he’s felt the need to raise this with you himself.
Whether you like being a minority as far as your gender’s concerned, or not, those other 14 people on your team ARE your colleagues and they ARE human beings, as well as men - the two aren’t always mutually exclusive! And you may well have more in common with them than you realise - you’ve all chosen to work for the same company or the same industry for a start.
If you’re seen as an outsider then this is down to your behaviour as much as the rest of the team’s perception. I hate to state the obvious but if you want to advance in your, or any other company for that matter, you do need to act and be seen to act as that dreaded HR-ism a ‘team-player’. Bear in mind that it’s easier for the rest of the team and your MD to make negative assumptions about you and your contribution if you remain aloof and an unknown quantity as an ‘outsider’.
I’m not saying that you have to subsume your identity and indulge in cliched, boisterous behaviour that makes you overtly ‘one of the boys’ but you do need to make an effort to get to know your colleagues. You might even surprise yourself by finding that some of your colleagues will be pleasant, interesting people, and enjoy your job more as a result. A few of them may well prove to be obnoxious nightmares but you don’t know that yet, as you only have your assumptions to go on, as do they.
If you really don’t like the culture / environment / team ethic / working hours then you need to find a different company to work for that better meets your expectations…and I think you may need some luck there.
Posted by: GLH, female, manager | May 1st, 2008 at 12:37 pm | Report this commentTime is precious - start asking them for brief teas and chats - in fact, chatting does help to come up with brilliant ideas, both for work and private occasions. What about visiting exhibitions once in a while? Also, with so many males around, it is fun to flirt (innocently) and provoke a few compliments in your address – this will make them and you feel good. Life is too short to sulk – be happy.
Posted by: Roxanne, female MD in a bank | May 1st, 2008 at 2:13 pm | Report this commentAs an earlier comment already mentioned if even the MD has noticed then you need to do something about this. The fact that he did mention it means, hopefully, that he considers you highly enough to care.
I do wonder about a team that was only 1 woman out of 15 and it would be reasonable to say that you would feel more comfortable on nights out if there were more women involved but as you said yourself your colleagues spend a lot of time talking, drinking coffee and going to the gym. You can participate in this even if you are unwilling to attend team dinners.
Hours do not make a career and no career is built without learning to cooperate with others. Getting to know your colleagues and their strengths and weaknesses will allow you to make a better contribution.
If nothing else part of building a career will involve building a network.
Posted by: FPS, male, manager | May 1st, 2008 at 2:19 pm | Report this commentYou said it - you are working in a team. In a team culture the belief is that together we are stronger than being on our own. All those team dinners, excursions to the pub, and hanging around the coffee machine are supposed to help productivity by sharing opinions, giving and receiving advice, maybe even learning something we didn’t already know. Being on the outside is not appreciated by those on the inside - they probably think you are aloof, arrogant, self-centred. Staying on the outside is a recipe for disaster because, even if you are not all these things, you will be judged in those most damning of terms to be “not a team player”.
If you really don’t like being in a team then maybe you should change jobs. If you do like it, then reserve one or two of those fourteen hours a day for chatting with your colleagues. You never know, you might even learn something.
Chris, 55, male, VO
Posted by: Chris | May 1st, 2008 at 2:51 pm | Report this commentDon’t give in to this nonsense; even in banking you’re entitled to a life outside work, but you need to assert your rights there. Try making them all twist with jealous angst by implying that you’ve got to leave to meet your partner/spouse.
Posted by: DDT | May 1st, 2008 at 3:04 pm | Report this commentDan, 45, male, business journalist
I recommend coordinating a team party to establish camaraderie and trust, unwittingly placing them in compromising positions you can record and use against them as the opportunity arises.
Posted by: Brian | May 1st, 2008 at 3:07 pm | Report this commentWhat I understand from your letter is that first of all you take this words of your MD asa menace, somehting which threatens you and puts a MUST tick for making a more social choice. In fact - this is the understanding which many people in the sector have - they are feeling themselves warriors surrounded by enemies on a competative career field. But once you try to bring your attitude closer to the ground and tell yourself that these people are just some very lovely, interesting and intelligent men, who made the same career choice - and once they did - it means there IS something in common between all of you!
Posted by: Maria | May 1st, 2008 at 4:07 pm | Report this commentI think the best option is to take it in a friendly was and enjoy being the only girl around! Being someone - who everyone unconciously adores and cares about! Just a bit of effort from your side (and as I can see the rest of your team really wants to make an effort and is making already!) even the long working hours will be great fun!
I was once in your shoes. To answer your question, yes, if you are not “one of them” is very likely that you won’t advance in your career with this company. In my case, with one of my previous employers, things were discusses and decided in the pub and outside during the cigarette breaks.
I understand that you don’t want to spend more time with them apart from the 14 hours that you spend daily. 14 hours is a lot. To win everybody on your side and to become popular I suggest to do what I did: bring food to the meetings, share jokes, talk to your coworkers when you see them in the kitchen, hallways etc. Show a bit of interest in them, being professional or personal and reveal a bit about yourself. People like to know a bit about their coworkers. (At my current job I didn’t talk about my private life at all for about a year and one day, when I was telling someone I was taking ballroom dance lessons a couple of people who heard that seemed genuinely relieved, as if finally they found something about me, I wasn’t that weird one without family pictures on the desk anymore).
Be nice, even if you don’t go to the pub. After you befriend them you can explain that you have obligations at home and you can’t spend more time with them although you’d love to.
In a way you are in a privileged position with no female and no gossips going on. I know what it feels like to be the only one female in a room full of men, but if you stop as seeing them as the enemy and behave more friendly the work environment will be more pleasant and everybody will feel that you fit in.
Adrienne 45, analyst
Posted by: Adrienne | May 1st, 2008 at 4:31 pm | Report this commentI understand how you feel. As a Muslim, I just don’t like hanging out with colleagues in a pub for drinks. Nothing against any of the individuals in the team themselves, but after a hard day at work the last thing I want to do is socialise with them in that environment. As a result I have noticed that I have lost out in some of the gossip, bonding and information that naturally circulates and no matter how competent you are at your job it does mark you out as being different. I have swallowed my beliefs on occasion and gone along, but if you don’t enjoy it they will see through your token efforts and it can be counter productive.
I have reconciled myself to this reality and decided that the only way to differentiate myself is being better than my colleagues although having to work harder for a similar or less reward or waiting longer for promotion is irksome. As I moved up the ladder, I developed alternate ways of developing relationships with colleagues which didn’t involve these interminable drinks including, arranging for regular lunch/coffee slots with key people or deliberately wandering around the office to chat keep in touch – perhaps something you can consider?
Posted by: Corporate Finance, Male, 31 | May 1st, 2008 at 5:14 pm | Report this commentYou spend 14 hours a day with people you don’t like! All that is left is to marry someone you can’t stand and you’ve ruined your life. Cheer up, who needs happiness when there is an annual bonus to mortgage on a tomorrow that might never come!
Niall, 41, Male, Director
Posted by: Niall McManus | May 1st, 2008 at 8:28 pm | Report this commentI work in IT in a very male dominated environment and understand perfectly what you mean. I suggest that you try to take the initiative for activities to do with them. I have, for instance propose to go to some LSO concerts with anybody that wanted to come along and the response was very good. You could try to invite everybody to do something that you like a lot, like visiting an exhibition, going to a concert or something that is not necessarily drinking in a pub. That way your boss cannot complaint against your lack of involvement.
Posted by: Lola | May 1st, 2008 at 9:07 pm | Report this commentI agree with Adrienne - yes, this is reality, and it actually killed my career with a major consulting company. I simply felt I was getting “too old for this crap” - partying till 2 a.m., boring endless conversations about “best tactics to score”, drinking contests… And something inside me rebelled against that in this up-or-out environment I always will be against some single party animal that builds sufficient rapport to advance without working miracles in the office.
If you still think you want to make it in this team, try all possible tactics to get along with the guys in the ways that are less unpleasant to you - vlounteers to run a team newsletter, try to organize a day out that doesn’t involve excessive drinking (I managed to drag a few of my colleagues to a skating rink once), be creative! It’s a tough situation and I don’t envy you. I chose to quit because I wasn’t “clicking” with the culture and felt I was wasting my time and my health pointlessly - you may have more guts (and liver cells) to stick around for a while. Just be creative and get the guys to know and respect you even though you’re not the best drinking buddy in the world.
Olga, 34, female, start-up owner
Posted by: Olga | May 1st, 2008 at 9:53 pm | Report this commentCertainly not!
As long as you make the coffee, pour the drinks take them to the gym and make the dinners, I don’t see what else could be expected of you. Your managing director will suspect nothing until after you marry successfully.
Posted by: Investor, male, 51 | May 2nd, 2008 at 5:31 am | Report this commentI am so saddened by most of the comments above. Do we have to subsume our entire lives and personalities, 24 hours a day, to work? Can we not be respected, hard-working individuals who work in effective professional teams, whatever our professions? And then can we not ALL go home, without guilt, to be with the ones we love most in the world or to enjoy the things that are good for our souls? And maybe, just maybe, come back the next day refreshed and even more productive?
Obviously not, it seems. What one-dimensional drones we are all becoming, or in most cases above, we have become.
Posted by: a rounded individual female, 38 | May 2nd, 2008 at 9:17 am | Report this commentIf it’s the pub/dinners you don’t like, try suggesting something you do like instead e.g. theater, wine tasting, team day out.
If you don’t get any takers at least you can claim to have tried.
Otherwise just go occassionally and have or invent an interesting reason not to go on most of the other occassions.
Posted by: Andrew, male, 31 | May 2nd, 2008 at 2:27 pm | Report this commentTo a rounded individual female,
You get what you pay for. If you made less efforts than others, you got less. There is nothing to suggest the girl’s colleagues are less productive. They may well be as efficient as she is. And they spend lots of time after work. So reality is that simple: if she does not spend time with them after work or cannot find an alternative way to communicate with them, she is out.
Posted by: jin | May 2nd, 2008 at 2:34 pm | Report this commentTo Lola: I really doubt that people working 14 hours/day, who blow steam at the local pub, would go to exhibitions or cultural events.
I once had a 45 year old coworker (high up on the company ladder) who shouted out to the whole department, outraged after a phone call from his daughter, that he won’t pay a cent for her education because she chose to pursue a BA in art instead of making something useful with her life, for instance to study engineering like her brother! That, for all he cared, art is crap and he is perfectly happy without art and museums.
I am not saying all of them are like this but the majority is not too far away. Your best bet is to suggest to go to sporting events.
And yes, we became this one-dimensional, workaholic, brain washed, beings in which everyone knows his interest. Of course nobody forces you to put up with this, but you’ll lose out. You’ll probably be better off with another company where you would potentially like your coworkers. It’s a trade-off. Also, I don’t know if this bothers you, but where I worked, since I was the only woman in the team, my coworkers and even the bosses spoke like in the locker room and occasionally remembered I was there and apologized to me. I could have sued them but instead I chose the pact with the devil, brought food to the meetings, coordinated team’s lunches and other “female” duty like buying gifts or cards when somebody got married, had a baby etc… I stayed there until I gained the experience I needed and then changed jobs.
Posted by: adrienne | May 2nd, 2008 at 4:35 pm | Report this commentI was 24 once too had similar experiences. Get over it and get out there girl…
Posted by: Edward 35 Chicago | May 3rd, 2008 at 2:24 am | Report this commentYour MD mentioned that you should spend some more time with the team, this does not mean you need to spend additional hours with them, post office over dinners/drinks. Perhaps you MD was not able to convey what exactly he meant by the need to spend more time with the team.
Posted by: Consultant | May 3rd, 2008 at 8:35 pm | Report this commentAll you need to do is open up a bit, chat more often - on non work related issues, join them over lunch at the workplace itself (if this is possible), or drink coffee together and spend a few mintues talking and chatting up on interesting issues (all non work related). There is a need for you to perhaps understand the aspirations of each member of your team, if you are leading the team, and even coffee breaks can help you attain this goal.
Well, I guess your managing director did not express his advice in a right way. Maybe he meant that you should just communicate more with the colleagues and develop your team-spirit. On the other hand, you have right for private life and right to spend time according to your own wish. If you do your job perfectly and able to discuss all business matters with the colleagues, what is the problem?
Posted by: Anna,23,female,market analyst | May 4th, 2008 at 5:53 am | Report this commentBut actually, male colleagues are much better than female ones, believe me. I always studied and worked in mostly female teams and I never liked it.
Did your MD say you have to spend more time with your team full stop or did he say that it’s good to spend more time with your team if you want to get on?
Of course you have a right to your private life but on the other hand a lot of bonding happens at these things and you might well be able to position yourself better for promotion.
What about establishing a half-way position where you go out with them every now and again but not always? This would be the ideal but it’s a difficult position to maintain. Once you are seen out at a few do’s, it becomes harder to pull out of others.
D.
Posted by: Dan | May 5th, 2008 at 3:06 pm | Report this commentHead directly and discreetly for the nearest exit. You are in a laddie culture which will always be no-win. They have the choice of looking at you as “the girl” or “one of the guys.”
Who wants or needs that? In addition, it sounds as if you don’t really relish their approval - or need it. You seem to have a developing sense of your self and your professionalism. Find a place that will both nurture and appreciate it. It does not sound like you are in an environment of that sort at this time. So, get on with your own progress. The folks you are with now don’t seem to be moving much.
Posted by: Jon Goodman | May 5th, 2008 at 5:57 pm | Report this commentI share your notable annoyance, being in a similar situation (the only male among the 100 odd females on the floor). My advice is to take more coffee breaks and/or chat things outside work more often. You don’t have to spend more time though one of previous posters is correct that those who put in more time gets more out. Consider it a work-into-private-life assimilation, make it up even if you have to.
Posted by: Guy in Retail Womenswear | May 5th, 2008 at 6:23 pm | Report this commentDear Miss 24
Posted by: cjg laine | May 6th, 2008 at 4:58 am | Report this commentNo you dont have to hang out with your team after work. Yes you should schedule to go to a team dinner once every 2 months, or always better than a dinner, a sport get together, would be much more enriching for the team, organize one. Its a tough world out there, and most people are out to use what you ve got, most people are working their angle on you without you realizeing. Keep at what your doing.
Dear Miss,
The only reason those guys want you to hang out with them after work is to have a chance to be with you, even if you are in some sort of relationship.
It may be the boss or it may be someone else thats doing the pushing to the boss. In Europe, people work less and have more of a social life outside of work and are if not as productive or more productive as the U.S.
I don’t understand what type of team building is necessary after 14 hrs of work. Tell them to go pound sand!
Posted by: James | May 6th, 2008 at 7:24 am | Report this commentWell, if you follow the logic:
- you really should be in a job where you do what you really love, and are passionate about it, whether you’re an artist or a banker
- if you really are passionate about it, then you should enjoy socializing with other people who are in the profession
- if so then neither work, nor hanging out with colleagues would be a chore, in fact they would be a pleasure.
In fact I think you should ideally be able to live your work, play golf, socialize, attend bar mitzvahs of colleagues and people in the business, your lawyers, counterparties.
If you can’t, then you will have a job, not a career.
Posted by: vanderghast | May 6th, 2008 at 8:01 am | Report this commentI think you should look after another job. Do you like your tasks? If so, you could either move to another team within the company, either go to another. You spend so much time at work that your hours at the office count. Most people spend way more time at their work than at home - which is fine - but remember that it is important to like what you do aswell as your team mates.
Gus from Sweden
Posted by: Gus | May 6th, 2008 at 9:38 am | Report this commentRoxanne: “Also, with so many males around, it is fun to flirt (innocently) and provoke a few compliments in your address – this will make them and you feel good.”
Do you really believe this is the best course of action?! Come back G. Greer, all is forgiven.
Posted by: Sophie | May 6th, 2008 at 11:06 am | Report this commentIt always gets on my nerves when people comment that you should spend more time with a team outside of office hours. It feels like sheep following one another around for a lack of imagination.
What would you say is the average age of your team? I would guess they are quite young and yet to discover that hours of sitting around looking busy or enthused rewards relatively few individuals: not everyone can advance, yes? It all requires focus.
My trick to advancement is spot the people going places and befriend them in a useful way (play squash, golf or have lunch). That way you can limit the amount of your own time you waste (after all, who of your work colleagues would you genuinely choose to hange around with?), while still being at the forefront of the high-flier’s mind when needed.
Posted by: Mike, 33 | May 6th, 2008 at 11:17 am | Report this commentIf I can be blunt, the problem is not with the team but with you. Communication is a key element to any team and they are obviously working as a cohesive machine, communicating freely within established personal relationships. Take the lead from your MD, he is more experienced and knowledgeable than you.
You are obviously new to the team and you are still Storming, but the team as a whole is more progressed. You have set yourself up in conflict with the others because you are defining your identity within the team by pigeon-holing everyone else. You are competing on individual productivity and hours, whilst everyone else is looking to the teams accomplishments.
Diperse your workload, let your hair down a bit and start looking at the bigger picture.
Tell your MD why you find it difficult to interact with the team and ask for his help. Its a good chance to highlight all the extra work you are doing, too.
Posted by: Banker | May 6th, 2008 at 11:19 am | Report this commentTo be a successful investment banker, one needs to demonstrate the ability to build solid relationships with clients. If you do not get along well with your colleagues, your managing director is unlikely to believe that you will be able to develop “trusted advisor” relationships with individuals that will ultimately pay fees to your firm. Like it or not, I am sure that most of your firm’s clients are male, so you should start learning how to socialize with them by practicing with your colleagues.
Posted by: Jim | May 6th, 2008 at 12:05 pm | Report this commentSomeone said it is fun to flirt (innocently).
That to me is unprofessional and asking for trouble, although it might help women climb the career ladder in a sexist culture.
For ‘Team social outside of work hours’ read ‘fat-arsed blokes with too much tan cream and gel having a laugh’.
They sound like a lot of ‘merchant bankers’, to use cockney rhyming slang, and you’d be better off in a team with more women.
Posted by: richard | May 6th, 2008 at 12:35 pm | Report this commentSkip the dinners and ’social’ nonsense, if you want to advance, be good at your job.
The people telling you that you are a poor communicator and the fact that you don’t like team dinners is your fault are talking absolute rubbish.
With little free time in your life, why go to dinners where the sole aim of the career-minded will be to 1) suck up to the boss and 2) put down their peers. Truly awful evenings for the socially retarded only. Skip them at all costs.
Then again, at least it isn’t team book club. Not only do you have to spend free time reading a book conscripted by work, but you have to sit through an evening while your colleagues agree with the boss’s unadulterated and misinformed twaddle.
Posted by: Ben, 28, consultant | May 6th, 2008 at 12:38 pm | Report this commentYou’d be surprised how different people are outside of the office. So it is a good idea to spend some time getting to know the real people you work with. Not the clowns in suits who masquerade as co-workers for 14 hours a day. It may actually be very effective which would lead you to do better which would of course lead you to advancement. What’s the worst that could happen? You drowned your sorrows at a pub with a beer rather than at your desk with self pity.
Posted by: Ali, 33, manager | May 6th, 2008 at 3:05 pm | Report this commentMost managers like to think that they have teams all pulling together. It makes their life easier and of course it provides a form of intangible compensation and so is cheap. However its is not vital that everyone goes to the length of extra curricular events for the work to get done well. Indeed if you are really good you should be able to get on even if many are saying that they don’t like “that women”. On the other hand I suspect that you are not sure that your 14 hour days are really contributing so much that you are indispensable. You sound somewhat frustrated at the whole set up. Maybe you should try working a little less hard (up to a point shorter hours can actually increase productivity as one has to prioritize)and spend some more time ‘helping’your colleagues even if you do not want to see them always after work.
Posted by: Mike Ungenannter | May 6th, 2008 at 3:14 pm | Report this commentInside the office (during work time), be a team player; Have coffee breaks with your colleagues; be active in team meetings; be friendly and approachable to your colleagues etc.
Outside of work hours, there is no reason to have to spend any extra time with them. Your family and friends are far more important and you should spend your free time with them (guilt-free). - unless you get to bill every second that you spend at the pub/gym with colleagues, there is no reason to. Especially if you are already working 14hr days and your general performance is good.
Ignore the BS/Hype about *office team building* - you are there to do a job, and you get paid to do a job - anything else is extra.
I only spend time with work colleagues outside of the office to involve myself in activities that I’m actually interested in (i.e Football or the odd team dinner [so long as I like the venue]).
Don’t sell your soul to the company; they will never pay you enough for it.
Posted by: Yousef Syed | May 6th, 2008 at 3:23 pm | Report this comment14 hours a day! That’s crazy! And after that, you’re told you need to spend even MORE time with your workers?! Next, your MD will be telling you that you need to blow them too to advance.
Years ago, there was such a thing as being rewarded for being a “company man/woman.” Not now. With companies folding and imploding left and right due to CEO greed and mismanagement, take the money and RUN. Oh, and cut back those insane 14 hour days.
Posted by: Gwen | May 6th, 2008 at 5:53 pm | Report this commentWell, if you went into investment banking you must be a driven individual who will do what is necessary to advance. In that field it means you are on call 24, not 14 hours a day. And team events are absolutely part of the workday.
Your modelling skills will only take you so far. I would NEVER promote anyone (male or female) who isn’t smart enought to at least fake it. You should have gone into trading or some other kind of job where brainiac loners can be successful.
My advice is to change jobs.
Posted by: Arby | May 7th, 2008 at 10:00 am | Report this commentYou seem to be in the wrong job.Investment bankers have their culture and team working in their particular way is an important part of that.
If you don’t want to work in that macho pseudo heroic culture then don’t - very sensible- but don’t try to work there and not join that culture-it will make you miserable.
Posted by: Merlin | May 7th, 2008 at 10:35 am | Report this commentI have rarely sympathized with anyone’s plight as much as I do with yours. Spending more time with middle-aged men than is absolutely necessary is something I would advise you to avoid at all costs.
If you actually enjoy being a banker, an occurence in a person which never ceases to amaze me, then you should obviously try and think your way around this problem without alienating anyone, which is a shame because that happens to be a stimulating pursuit and an art form in itself.
First, be sly. Do they have a female quota? You have youth on your side, the chances are that even if you were rude they would not get rid of you.
Second, be charming yet elusive. Be present for the group gatherings which you know will be short, and least soul-destroying. Dress well and leave after 15 minutes because some man invited you to the theatre.
And last, turn the tables. Suggest evenings at the Opera, theatre or whatever else you may potentially enjoy if they actually conceded. Some men feel compelled to cover a lady’s ticket in these circumstances. A win-win situation, as you’re effectively being paid to see something hopefully pleasant, and interaction is kept to a minimum.
If all else fails, start suggesting the team spends weekends together, goes on holiday together, spouses and children included. They’ll think you’re clingy and avoid you. Demand to meet all family members. They’ll think you’re weird and dangerous to be around in case wife/mistress gets jealous.
While doing all or any of the above, of course, make sure your work is irritatingly irreproachable so if they don’t advance you you may subtly threaten legal action.
Posted by: Kismet, 26, female, professional amateur | May 7th, 2008 at 12:10 pm | Report this commentMy advice is you just change jobs.
Investment banking is clearly not you thing - I wonder how it can be anyone’s thing by the way, but that’s another story.
It will only get worse.
It is really really interesting to read some of the comments above.
Posted by: Paul | May 7th, 2008 at 3:30 pm | Report this commentDear Miss 24
Posted by: Rachel | May 9th, 2008 at 12:06 pm | Report this commentYou don’t say whether you actually like your job and/or your colleagues which makes it a little difficult to give good advice.
You say you hate the ‘team dinners’ but it is interesting that you use the word ‘team’ in describing them as I think that is what your boss is after when he says he wants you to spend more time with the team.Clearly this kind of event is seen as some kind of bonding exercise in which you should make the effort to participate if you really do (do you?)want to be a part of that team.
Having been in a similar situation myself for just about all of my working life(ie sole or one of a small number of females in a male dominated environment) can I suggest as some others have done that you do try to engage your colleagues,whether while they are standing around talking/drinking coffee or nab them in the hallways etc as someone else suggested, and try to find some common ground/interests by chatting to them - maybe you both share a love of running/music/keeping gerbils/whatever - out of 15 people surely the odds must be good that you can find something of mutual interest!Then when the next team dinner is on you can sit next to one of these people with whom you have established a subject on which you can at least have a conversation and the evening will be much more bearable.Even better your colleagues will learn something about you and find you a more interesting person than just the Miss 24 who turns up to work 14 hrs a day,and never chats or socialises.I was once shocked to find out that 2 of my male colleagues were quite upset by my repeated refusals of a drink in the pub after work - I had a sporting commitment several times a week that was genuine but they thought it was some kind of elaborate excuse to avoid their
company!
If after all this,you really find that you don’t enjoy the company of your team members then maybe it’s time to consider a job change or move to a different department ?
The other point made is also valid,believe me the vast majority of your clients will be male,like it or not,so now is the time to start working out strategies and practising them for how you are going to deal with male clients as well as colleagues - Good Luck!