June 5, 2008
‘My business partner is an alcoholic’
My business partner is an alcoholic. She rings me at all times of night pissed with some stupid idea or complaint about my character. These calls leave me upset for hours but she has forgotten about them in the morning. During the day she is a clever and amusing partner who brings a lot to the business but after her first glass of wine at 6.30pm it all goes out of the window. Last year she quit drinking for a few months and all went well, but now is back on the sauce. If I mention her drinking she gets furious, so it seems less disruptive to say nothing. She owns part of the business, so I cannot fire her, even if I wanted to. What should I do, if anything?
Entrepreneur, male, 46
Lucy’s Answer
Having a little chat with her about her drinking is a waste of time, as you’ve already discovered. She is in the grip of something that she cannot control, so reasonable words will only enrage her and make things worse.
You have a choice. You either find a way of coping with an alcoholic partner or you find a way of getting out.
Which is best depends on you, on her and on the state of your business. Alcoholism gets worse, but it may get worse quite slowly. I am often surprised to come across people who hold down successful jobs and then get drunk as a lord night after night, and keep going like that for years, sometimes for decades.
It may be a long time before she starts ranting at clients or doing things that really hurt the business. In the meantime, if she is essential to you and if the company is doing well it might make sense to stick with it - and her - for now.
In that case, you need to find a way of insulating yourself from the mad, abusive phone calls. The easiest thing would be not to answer when she rings in the evening; but this is so obvious I wonder why you haven’t already done it. Is she exerting some kind of horrible control over you? If she is, you need to get out now.
While you’re right that you can’t fire her, you can tell her that you want out, and she must either buy your share or you buy hers. It is conceivable that this shock will shove her on to the wagon, although I think that unlikely.
This way out for you is going to be messy, expensive and stressful. But it is probably going to end badly anyway - so better to go through it now than to spend a further five or 10 unhappy years with an increasingly drunken partner and go through it all then.
Does she need your home phone number / personal mobile?
You might think she definitely does, but for what? If the office is on fire she can call the fire brigade directly. Of course it depends whether or not you are in a line of business where much happens out of normal working hours. If so, then why is she drinking?.
I would tend to think that this drinking will cause a problem with suppliers, employees or clients at some point and you can’t ignore it. You say she brings a lot to the business but you need to work out what it is and learn from her yourself so you are not reliant on her. If she were sick long term you would simply have to learn how to do her job yourself anyway.
You’re wrong to say you can’t fire her. Just as an employee can fire his or her boss by resigning, you can fire her by forcing a situation where one party has to sell out or split the business.
I was in a similar situation about two years ago and I had to leave and start again on my own. With the experience from the first business I was back to the same position again (and had overtaken the business I had sold out of) in the first year. One of the main advantages I had was the ability to make decisions alone without needing to consult with anyone else.
One plus one is not always two in partnerships.
Posted by: CEO, Male, 30 | June 5th, 2008 at 6:44 am | Report this commentIf she does not remember calling you then remind her. Tell her that you would prefer that she did not call you and disturb you after office hours- especially when if is drinking.
If she continues to call you, put your mobile on silent and ignore her calls. Why are you answering the phone “at all hours of the night”?
If everything is fine during office hours then cut her out of your after office hours.
Hannah, 24, Associate
Posted by: Hannah | June 5th, 2008 at 7:44 am | Report this commentHow do you know she’s not calling your clients in the wee hours of the night complaining about them as well? Sounds like your business partner is a liability more than an asset.
Posted by: A | June 5th, 2008 at 9:11 am | Report this commentYou are being manipulated emotionally. It is what alcoholics are good at.
Posted by: Claire Dunbar | June 5th, 2008 at 9:56 am | Report this commentYou say that she is ok when sober, abusive when drunk and hostile when confronted. This is classic behaviour.
You are upset by it for hours afterwards whereas she pretends it did not happen.
I can’t say what you should do in your business, but at the very least, you should not answer your phone after hours and you should talk to someone from a counselling service.
Claire, 40, Engineering Manager.
Several years ago we were trying to do something we believed in passionately and my partner would react in the way you describe when the pressure was extreme. She would get home at 8 or 9 in the evening and take a drink. A few hours later my phone might ring and she would be there, “tired and emotional”, sometimes in tears. There was nothing sexual and little that was truly personal in our late night calls; she talked about work, the people we were depending on, and the problems we had. The next day at the office we never mentioned the calls, even to each other. This behavior was intensely private for both of us, and her professionalism was impeccable during working hours.
Why do I share this with you today? Well, my “partner” passed away a few years ago with a heart attack, far too young. And together we achieved some things I still look back on with pride and which would not have happened except for her extraordinary commitment to the job. You need to recognize that your colleagues are not all automatons. People are complex and emotional and react to stress in different ways.
Your partner is not an alcoholic. Alcoholics are not able to compartment their lives with discipline and limit their drinking to off-duty hours. Even if she was an alcoholic your main focus should be on her effectiveness in the job – which you say is excellent.
The main problem seems to be in your own reaction. You say the calls leave you upset for hours. Maybe you should take some professional advice on how to distance yourself while still being sympathetic, there are thousands of psychologists who would love to help you out. It is not rocket science – the Samaritans have to do it every day.
I am not surprised that your partner gets upset when you try to turn your problem back on her. I suspect that she thinks that she has “her problem” under control. She is professional at work and lets off some steam with a “friend” in the evening.
Of course if you really can’t handle it then you have to look for the exit. I’m sure you know that breaking up a close business relationship, especially a partnership, generally has a lot of downsides. Divorce is a messy business.
Chris, 55, VP, Male
Posted by: Chris | June 5th, 2008 at 11:07 am | Report this commentRecord it and play it back to her in the morning. If it still doesn’t stop then agree that one will buy the other one out for the price that the first one offers the other.
Outside of that, change your numbers and leave her only with your mobile number that you will have turned off in the evening.
Drink changes people and it’s a battle. It’s hard enough fighting your competitors than each other and the bottle.
Posted by: Nicky Luthers | June 5th, 2008 at 1:00 pm | Report this commentThe problem seems to be that you have an over-ambitious partner who has outgrown the organisation.
The solution: Acquire venture capital and grow your company, or, why not make her ‘Chief Growth Officer.’
You seem to be dealing with a partner who is more of a workaholic than alcoholic.
I guess your partner influences over 70% of the decision making.
Posted by: Mutimba | June 5th, 2008 at 1:31 pm | Report this commentOne thing is certain, an alcoholic’s drinking will only get worse. Sometimes there are seemingly “better” or more manageable periods, but without fail, the alcoholic’s condition will worsen.
Ultimatum time….if she has more leverage than you would like as far as the business is concerned then you have an issue, or should I say, a real risk in losing her. Understand that if you lose her, or walk away from the partnership, that you very well may be winning, just not for the short term.
AA is cheap and it works. Meetings are like a subway car, homeless, CEO’s, professional, blue collar, moms, clergy. Alcoholism has no prejudices.Its not where anyone saw themselves in 3rd grade at career day but an hour a day at a meeting is a small price to pay for manageability and freedom from a killer disease. If she is not open, then your choices are simply to live with her behavior or go.
Neither are great choices I’m sure, but the latter will give you the quality of life you deserve as opposed to the insane behavior you are now forced to accept from your partner.
Good Luck
Posted by: Seamus C | June 5th, 2008 at 2:52 pm | Report this commentThe solution to your problem is simple. Screen your calls and don’t pick up when she calls after a certain hour. Failing that, abruptly hang up on her as soon as you ascertain that she’s pissed off her gourd. You say she doesn’t remember the next day, so no harm, no foul. If she does remember, pretend it never happened (i.e., she must be hallucinating) and urge her to seek treatment for her obviously advanced case of alcoholism. Q.E.D.
Posted by: Knute Knutson | June 5th, 2008 at 3:23 pm | Report this commentKnute Knutson, 47, colonic hydrotherapist
My intuition tells me that her complaints about your character could be rather precise and you could learn a few things from her comments. An old saying is that the truth is learnt from children and drunk people. Maybe your life is somewhat unexciting and you envy her without realising it. She is efficient at work and perhaps you should leave the farm and seek for colleagues elsewhere who are more boring in their sparetime. I have co-workers who call drunk from bars and clubs; I dont pick up the phone after 11 in the evening and I am not bothered as long as they do their work. My experience is that the most creative and intelligent staff members often seeks stimulation from alchohol, smoking etc, and these are pivotal to the success of our company.
Thomas, 45, ceo
Posted by: thomas andersen | June 5th, 2008 at 4:11 pm | Report this comment50, female, Entrepreneur
Alcoholism is progressive. Denial is as important to the drinker as an abundant supply. Buy her out and tell her why; maybe you’ll be the person in her life who helped her most once she recovers and looks back on it all.
Posted by: Judith | June 5th, 2008 at 5:26 pm | Report this commentShe doesn’t remember the verbal blisterings she gives you, so tape-record them and play them back for her in the morning. Then give her the number for the nearest/best rehab facility.
Posted by: sophie | June 5th, 2008 at 6:57 pm | Report this commentI think she probably is an alcoholic. That being the case, she would naturally go into business with someone who will not challenge her - the kind of person who will pick up the phone and listen, but not judge.
Ask yourself - can you stop her drinking, and are you enjoying working with her? If no to both, forget about her and get on with your own life. If you want to help her and save the business - say something, and don’t back down when she explodes.
Posted by: David | June 5th, 2008 at 7:10 pm | Report this commentI’m sure your phone has caller ID. Don’t answer it when this person calls during the suspected times. If behaviour continues, save the messages and blackmail them.
Posted by: Brian | June 5th, 2008 at 7:51 pm | Report this commentI am an alcoholic although I have not consumed alcohol for a number of years. It sound to me as if your partner is definitely an alcoholic. Many alcoholics can function more or less well during the working day. Unfortunately most alcoholics who do not abstain from drinking get progressively worse. I found great help from AA. It sounds as if you might be best advised to end your partnership unless your partner can actually stop drinking
Posted by: Joe, 49, IT Consultant, Male | June 5th, 2008 at 9:15 pm | Report this commentMaybe she needs confirmation of her daily work ?And if she functions well during daytime (”brings a lot to the business”) - compliment and bolster her capabilities and morale in the afternoon, so that she gets an ear full from you before leaving for some “wine on the town”. Then she might not call you but someone else or better yet - talks to others like her drinking and partying in the same location !
Posted by: Techie, 35, male, manager | June 5th, 2008 at 9:35 pm | Report this commentIf you want to tolerate a dysfunctional relationship, then disconnect the phone at night — if she doesn’t remember the phone calls she won’t remember not being able to make the phone calls.
Trust me, she remembers, she just won’t own up to remembering.
You are in a weak position until you leave — and you will absorb her poisons in different ways until you do. Engage in a “turkey shoot” to outbid her for the business, or start afresh in another. Otherwise you’ll be under the emotional control of someone who out of emotional control.
Posted by: Executive of an Exchange | June 5th, 2008 at 10:01 pm | Report this commentLucy, your topic choices are getting more and more stupid.
Posted by: Anthea | June 5th, 2008 at 10:04 pm | Report this commentthis is my comment
Posted by: Jack | June 5th, 2008 at 10:16 pm | Report this commentIf she’s truly adding value to your firm and not a problem during working hours, I think you have to let it go.
As others have suggested, just use call screening if you don’t want to talk to her after hours.
Go out for a dinner (just one bottle of wine) with her once in a while? Maybe letting her know how much you value her good work will be useful?
And maybe a little cleverness will help? Try making up a story about an alcoholic relative who committed suicide - and that it pains you too much to talk to her when she’s had one drink too many. That you worry about her constantly. Surprise her with your humanity and sensitivity!
Posted by: Norbert | June 5th, 2008 at 10:23 pm | Report this commentIf you can’t beat em join em, start getting drunk every night yourself, phone her and let it all out and act like it never happened in the morning.
Posted by: reginald Arkwright | June 6th, 2008 at 4:29 am | Report this commentLet the company go to the wall and send me mails to Lucy every night.
Your business partner might be suffering from bi-polar disorder. You should insist that she seek professional help, or you’ll take legal action to dissolve the partnership on the grounds of her poor mental health.
Posted by: Kaiser | June 6th, 2008 at 8:34 am | Report this commentAlcohol loosens inhibitions. When she’s sozzled she wakes you up to waste your time, criticise you and leave you feeling upset for hours. In other words, she despises you - all the time, it’s just she can hide it better when she’s sober.
Posted by: Greg 43 male ex-GP | June 6th, 2008 at 2:30 pm | Report this commentIt’s not my first wife is it?
I once knew a talented advertising copywriter who turned into a nasty drunk after lunch. So his agency banned him from the office in the afternoons. They got great ads, he got more hours in the Dog and Duck. Just tell your partner that everything will be fine as long as she doesn’t do anything business-related after she’s had a drink - and that includes calling you.
Posted by: Brian | June 6th, 2008 at 6:07 pm | Report this commentIf she is too important a business partner to lose, (I’m presuming so, because it sounds like this is something that’s been going on for sometime) then just switch your mobile off in the evening/put it on silent and screen the calls. You’ve got your right to your own personal space when you’re not working.
Alternatively, if you feel like she is running circles around with this behaviour, as many others have already suggested, tape her rants and let her listen to a copy!
Either way, if you actually want said situation to change, you’re going to have to do something about it - you can’t coax her into changing her habits.
Posted by: Dawn, 22, Student | June 8th, 2008 at 11:50 am | Report this commentMy guess is that your partner is using alcohol to give her the courage to tell you the things she isn’t brave enought to say to your face when she is sober.
It would be helpful to know how you respond to criticism in a professional setting. Do other see you as someone who is approachable and wil accept criticism without becoming visibly upset?
I suggest that you take some time to listen to what she has to say; you might learn something about yourself.
You have no control over her drinking habits; you do have control over your own behaviour and how you react to negative comments.
Posted by: Joy, 43, Analyst | June 9th, 2008 at 12:16 pm | Report this commentGreetings fellow global citizens,
This is a classic case of spirit possession if there ever was one.
We shouldn’t conflate spirits, though—-very possibly the clever and amusing person before 6:30pm is the alien being, since this is a typical disguise of the demons. Exorcism is out of favor these days so Entrepreneur’s job is to simply figure out which is the real partner and whether that one is useful for business or not. Lots of people work flexible hours so no problemo to open shop in the evening.
Posted by: Investor, male, 51 | June 10th, 2008 at 12:51 am | Report this commentShe calls your ideas stupid and questions your character. Don’t be a wimp!
If she gets furious whenever you mention her drinking problem then get furious back a her. The confrontation might lead to s solution.
Jeronimo, male, 34, Designer, New York City
Posted by: Jeronimo | June 10th, 2008 at 7:06 pm | Report this commentI was in business with an alcholic for 5 years.
This is not a situation that can resolve itself, even if she is OK before 6.30, this will become earlier and earlier every week.
You will be dragged down with her, which will effect your family and relationships.
This person needs help.
Tough love is needed, an ultimatum perhaps needs to be made, as they will need to realise the full consequence of their behaviour.
Often this is only after they have reached their own personal nadir, which will no doubt be long after the cost to you is more than you can bear.
I had to leave my business, but its fair to say, that this coupled with a number of other factors brougt this home to a man who is still my friend, has stopped drinking and (rather dispiritingly) is far more successful than when we were in business together!
Posted by: Googlewack | June 10th, 2008 at 8:33 pm | Report this commentRight you are, Googlewack. The glass of wine is likely to be a more severe barrier than the glass ceiling. When she bottoms out, the cold concrete floor may provide the necessary tough love.
Posted by: Investor, male, 51 | June 11th, 2008 at 3:57 am | Report this commentI know about alcoholism.
Its only a matter of time before she comes to terms with the fact that she is drink dependent (undoubtedly she is, and she knows theres a problem otherwise she wouldn’t be so defensive – good sign). Once she does, abstinence will be the only way forward. But the good news is there is a little known (extraordinarily and disgracefully) drug called Antabuse. (I can tell you it’s a life changer – forget Clouds, The Priory etc) You take it daily and if you even look at any booze you’re promptly sick. Works every time. Rum chocolates even. Ergo temptation virtually eradicated cos not an option to drink.(there are other drugs which reduce the craving but allow limited drinking) But the drinker has got to want to change. However I think she sounds the sort of gutsy gal who might – women understandably generally feel guiltier about boozing than men which helps. Former boozers who do abstain invariably take off (Ann Robinson, George Bush, & my ex girlfriend for eg ) Your job is to simply expedite the process – don’t take any prisoners and do whatever it takes to get her to see the position. If you crack it (and you should) it’ll be payback time for you – she’ll go gangbusters for your joint biz hugely grateful to you (and now with the supreme self-confidence that goes with having addressed a problem which currently undoubtedly makes her feel very guilty) If you want any contact points feel free to make contact.
Posted by: JW | June 11th, 2008 at 3:04 pm | Report this commentJW - 54 - male
With reference to the comments of ;
Chris, 55, VP, Male , with “The main problem seems to be in your own reaction” and “I am not surprised that your partner gets upset when you try to turn your problem back on her.” and “Your partner is not an alcoholic”.
This has got to be a joke reply ,surely.
A work colleague gets repeatedly drunk and then makes abusive phonecalls to her workmates and according to Chris its the person receiving the phone call and how they handle it that is the problem , WHAT !!!.
Alternatively maybe its not really acceptable that she gets drunk out of her mind and then phones people at 3am. Maybe that is a little closer to the root issue………
To reply to the original poster i suggest that you either switch your phone off at night or record her and play her escapades back ,over the speaker, in the office. Perhaps you can shame her into cutting it out.
Posted by: jonathan chapman | June 16th, 2008 at 3:35 pm | Report this commentjusst don’t answer her calls. period. put your phone on silent, she won’t remember she called you, so there is no worry about the morning after.
Posted by: CFO, male | June 21st, 2008 at 7:32 am | Report this commentI rarely revisit a thread, but this time I was curious about Lucy’s judgement on a story that struck a personal chord with me.
In our case, to take my personal story further, my colleague “recovered” when the level of business stress reduced - in significant part due to her own incredible efforts and the support she received from her peers.
I am saddened by the number of black and white judgemental posts in this thread. Maybe it is a feature of being part of the financial community that so many people see life as a balance sheet deserving only of digital responses and exclusion of emotion.
People, particularly exceptional people, are a complex mix. Exceptional stress can cause exceptional reactions. Exceptional achievements require exceptional teams, and exceptional teams support each other.
I would not argue that “reaching for the bottle as long as you function between 9 and 5″ is acceptable for all jobs. I was personally appalled that one of the UK political parties thought it reasonable to promote a self-confessed alcoholic as a potential prime minister. The PM role is a 24/7 job with a finger on the nuclear trigger - occasional drunks need not apply!
I like Lucy’s reply - try and understand the root cause, judge the potential consequences, and look at the bigger picture and the company interest. Be supportive if you can. So, Jonathan Chapman, my response is not a joke -far from it. I will not be hiring people who are not sufficiently rounded to react on an emotional level to the important people in my business life - whether key colleagues, key customers, or anyone else in my “ecosystem”.
Chris, 55, male, VP
Posted by: Chris | June 24th, 2008 at 9:46 am | Report this comment