June 19, 2008
‘What should I do to ease the tense atmosphere in our team?’
One of my team members is very good at what she does and has been rewarded, by me, with promotion and bonuses. There is no doubt in my mind that she deserved this recognition, and I hope that most of her colleagues would agree. But there is another fact: I find her very attractive. Some months ago I made my feelings plain to her, and she politely rebuffed me. Both of us carry on as if nothing had happened, but I think that other members of the team have now cottoned on, and as a result the atmosphere is a little tense. Now, not only is my credibility at risk, but hers is too. What should I do?
Manager, male, 42
Lucy’s Answer
If your difficulty is as you describe, the answer is easy. You should do nothing. An atmosphere that is “a little tense” is hardly a great problem.
But in fact I suspect you are either deluding yourself, or deluding me. On your account, you have a bright and attractive woman on your team, and you – poor fool – have fallen for her and told her so. This is a genuine problem.
Fortunately, though, she didn’t scream sexual harassment but gracefully pushed you away. This, too, could be a problem for you: to be rejected by someone who works for you can’t feel good. But your stated problem makes no sense at all. You say that several months after this awkward exchange other team members have cottoned on. But cottoned on to what?
By your own admission you both have been behaving exactly as before, so there isn’t any reason why they should have. You also say her credibility is at stake. Why? She has behaved incredibly well – she has batted away your advances, so her credibility should be in pretty good shape.
I suspect the reason that the others have got wind of it – and the reason this is still such a problem for you – is that you are still mooching around after her. In which case the problem is less your credibility than your peace of mind. That will be solved only if she moves, or you do.
Unless, of course, something else has happened: maybe she has not been quite so graceful about refusing you. Perhaps she has been regaling the others with stories of your advances, and they have all been laughing at you. Then your credibility really is shot.
The only way to repair it is to stop all leching and keep the stiffest of upper lips. If you behave really well, they’ll lose interest – but it may take a while.
The blunt answer (and the one you probably already know but find unpalatable), is that one of you has to go before any further damage is done to your credibility. Question is, who’s it going to be?
I don’t suppose you stopped to think about any of the possible consequences when you decided to make your feelings plain, or consider that you were actually putting your team member in a very difficult position. Whatever your feelings for her, at work she is your subordinate, and you are required to measure her performance objectively against those of her peers. And, most importantly, be seen to do this objectively too.
It sounds to me as if she’s behaved impeccably - I think you should do the decent thing, which hardly needs to be spelt out…then again, you were daft enough to proposition her without a thought for the fall-out, so you’ll probably preserve your position at the expense of hers. Or am I being too cynical?
Posted by: GLH, female, 30, manager | June 19th, 2008 at 10:00 am | Report this commentYou know the old saying “Do not **** on your own door step”. You are 42 and a manager. As a male you get zero sympathy. If you were 20-30 I would call it an inexperienced error and could easily be forgiven. Also, I could see the funny side.
If the girl generally deserved the bonus and you can back yourself to higher management, then what are you worrying about. If you cannot, start looking in the market for a new job. People always get competitive and upset when bonuses are given out. As manager you should be able to handle the fact that your staff are not always happy with your decisions. That’s why you get a slightly higher pay(in theory)and you have that position. I would not worry about her credibility, just concern yourself with your own even if your notion was honorable.
Are these real questions or is the FT just coming up with random ideas in a pub one lunch time over a beer? If them so amusing.
Posted by: Charles - Banker Denmark - British | June 19th, 2008 at 11:12 am | Report this commentYou made “your feelings plain to her”. I think this sentence may be key to the answer. In which way did you make it plain to her? A)Did you make an ass of yourself, getting drunk and trying to fondle her during a company outing? B)Did you have a quiet moment over a cup of coffee, where you laid bare your feelings to her? C)Did you order a singing telegram to come to her office? or D) did you mail her an indecent picture of yourself telling her how much you enjoyed thinking about her?
In my opinion, only answer B will leave you off the hook. In that case you should talk to her, asking her if working with you is still acceptable. If not, you will do anything you can to get her a similar position somwhere else. For any of the other options, I suggest you start looking for another job. It is your credibility, not at risk, but down the drain, not hers.
Niklas - Male 44, Manager, Netherlands
Posted by: N. Monrad | June 19th, 2008 at 12:33 pm | Report this commentDoes your wife know? My advice is don’t tell her.
Posted by: Marco, 50, manager | June 19th, 2008 at 12:49 pm | Report this commentIgnore all this sanctimonious nonsense. Who hasn’t flirted with a colleague at work? It isn’t worth quitting for. And if you try and get rid of her (or even suggest it) you will be at risk of a sexual harrassment suit. Just keep going as if nothing has happened but make sure that your assessments of her are scrupulously fair (as they should be anyway) and you can justify everything you say (seek plenty of peer assessments at review time.) There is tension in all teams from time to time…I suspect you are being over-senstive imagining it has something to do with you.
Posted by: MF, 45, banker | June 19th, 2008 at 12:58 pm | Report this commentQuestion is, was there anything from her side that suggested to you it might be a good idea to tell her how you feel?
If not then you were crazy to do it. It might have made more sense to try flirting and see if anything came back.
If, on the other hand, there was anything from her side then maybe she has been playing you along.
Being seen as a man who finds women attractive is not a problem as long as you are not perceived as letting it cloud your judgement (this part depends on how measurable performance is in your industry). You say you hope the others in the team agree she’s good. Question is do they? Try to find out.
By the way, I agree you should listen to the colleagues to cover yourself more for future reviews, but will they now be afraid to say anyhting against your perceived pet?
Posted by: Male, 30 | June 19th, 2008 at 2:30 pm | Report this commentPut your CV out! A 42 year old manager should have been well aware there is no such thing as a ‘corporate couple.’ Rebuffed or not, one of you would need to go. As you blew it, this means you.
Posted by: Alan | June 19th, 2008 at 3:42 pm | Report this commentConsultant, male, 59
It seems your position in your organization is not so secure since you are worried about your credibility. If you are strong you can ignore those tension. But given your weakness, recommending the pretty woman to another department would be a good idea. You need to do it soon, before this demages your reputation outside of your team.
Posted by: jin | June 19th, 2008 at 4:24 pm | Report this commentA “little” tension does not warrant anyone’s resignation (and normally would not even warrant a solicitation for advice but perhaps you’re overly sensitive or have too much idle time on your hands or……there’s more to the story than you’re letting on). If your description of events is straightforward, you haven’t done anything wrong (assuming you made your feelings plain to her in a manner befitting a mature adult). You can’t undo the past, so just make sure that you henceforth conduct yourself in a manner that is beyond reproach in terms of perceived favoritism toward the woman in question or anyone else. The tensions should subside with time unless, of course, there’s more to the story than you let on, in which case the advice for you to resign may very well be spot on.
Posted by: Earl Scheib | June 19th, 2008 at 4:42 pm | Report this commentEarl, 62, painter
Stop being such a panty-waist! I can understand the emotional set-back from your subordinate’s initial rebuff of your advance; all guys have experienced rejection at one time or another. If your feelings for her are strong, continue pursuing her. Use your pull as a manager and make her fall for you. Little notes left on her computer or the windshield of her car professing your love are sure to win her affection. You’ve got nothing to lose, because in the long run, we’re all dead.
Posted by: Brian | June 19th, 2008 at 4:55 pm | Report this commentYou both carry on as if nothing happened but yet other team members have cottoned on? Something doesn’t add up. If you can’t be forthcoming in writing an anonymous request for advice, no wonder your credibility is in question.
Posted by: Knute Knutson | June 19th, 2008 at 5:15 pm | Report this commentThe thing I would ask you is to consider the first line. “[She] is very good and has been rewarded by me with promotion and bonuses”. Stand back and take a long hard look. Can you 100% put your hand on your heart and say that you have been fair and equitable to everyone? Are you sure your attraction has not given you rose-tinted spectacles towards how good she is compared to the others? If you can genuinely answer yes to this then you have nothing to be too concerned about.
If there is tension in the team discuss with the others where their performance could be improved and practical ways in which they too could change and get access to promotion and bonuses. And if in future there is any suspicion likely of your fairness, bring in a colleague to examine your decision-making.
If on the other hand the answer is no, and you have been unfair, you could do the honourable thing and move on, or you could use the next period to try to redress the balance.
Fancying someone on your team is not a crime, it is a perfectly natural part of the human dynamic and if handled appropriately between you should not be an issue. Favouritism would be. If it is only perceived but not real, I reiterate, you must redress the balance, not by protestations of innocence but by objectively laying out your criteria for advancement.
Posted by: Frank, 44, male, IT people manager and executive coach | June 19th, 2008 at 9:18 pm | Report this commentIt is not like a Clinton Monica situation!..
Posted by: Dee | June 20th, 2008 at 6:48 am | Report this commentIt is natural to be attracted to someone.. I think you need to ignore the situation and move on.. unless ofcourse you believe that that the basis of promotion was not fair at all in the first place.. then may be your conscience is hurting..!
This blog is really fun. Last one the poor guy was called ‘quaintly outdated’ for not wanting to be a pushy self-promoter, and now lots of people come up with delightfully old-fashioned calls to ‘do the decent/honourable thing’. Checking wht others think of her is probably good advice but otherwise get over it, move on, stop worrying. Human frailty is part of life, and even if you have shown favouritism (shock horror what a thought!) better for this reason than rewarding the lazy blagger who shafts his or her colleagues without you realising it.
Posted by: Civil servant, male, 44 | June 20th, 2008 at 10:22 am | Report this commentDo not leave your job during these times of credit crunch. What will you tell the reason for leaving at the time of interview.
Posted by: Apurva, male 38 | June 20th, 2008 at 12:27 pm | Report this commentMF and Brian - way to go and more power to your typing fingers……….
Posted by: Out of the box, 44, Male | June 20th, 2008 at 12:45 pm | Report this commentOffice crushes are as common as the bad coffee machine in the corner. People’s curiosity and tendency to gossip about them comes and goes very quickly.
Regardless of her feelings, the lady in question did the right thing for both you and her. An affair between attractive subordinate and her manager can become very messy, with potential nightmare scenarios career and family-wise for both sides. Just let time heal your wounded pride. If one of you leaves the company, you can give it another shot.
Posted by: V, female 29 | June 20th, 2008 at 2:09 pm | Report this commentI wonder how she is feeling about this? In my first job, 20 years ago, a senior colleague about 25 years older than me whom I had thought of as a friend and co-worker, suddenly unburdened himself to me in the lift about how he felt about me and fantasised about me. I did not know how to handle it at all, and although I made it clear I was not interested I
Posted by: Al | June 20th, 2008 at 3:05 pm | Report this commenta) felt guilty about the fact that something in my behaviour made him believe he might get a positive response
b) found it impossible to relax and act truly normally in his company.
Of course, we were both trying the ‘acting as if nothing had happened’ approach, but I pretty soon started getting comments about my nervousness around him.
Luckily for me he was not my direct manager and could not directly influence my progress. Nonetheless, the whole thing blighted working there, and I left as soon as I could get a good job elsewhere.
So, I am not surprised others have picked up on this, and if she really is not interested in you (but you still are in her) it is going to be intolerable to carry on with management responsibility for her. You need to think about finding a dignified solution for all - and quickly: if you are still making cow-eyes at her in private you could fall foul of a sexual harassment claim. And if the situation is bothering her, her performance at work may well drop, making your favouritism seem even less justified.
There is a huge difference here in terms of the balance of attitudes towards this guy and the much more liberal balance of attitudes of the last year towards:
The poster’s married boss having an affair with a Russian girl.
The married man who was sharing flirtatious emails with a married female colleague.
The two managers having an affair.
As far as I can see, the only difference I can see is that
1. We are not told that the current poster is married - which should make us more liberal, not less.
2. He didn’t get the girl.
If 2. is the real reason then it reminds me of the quote from the film Buffalo Soldiers - “The secret about fighting in nam is that it was great fun and everyone else would feel the same if we’d won”.
Posted by: Male, 30 | June 20th, 2008 at 9:39 pm | Report this commentWhat a massive problem. She has probably told everyone that you came onto her, and that you are only promoting her because you are in love with her. A very likely scenario, don’t you think? After all, deep down we all want to be valued for our sex appeal over and above our excellence at work.
The only way you can save your ‘credibility’ is by hitting on all members of your team and offering bonuses to all those who rebuff your advances. Reward the chaste. Fire the others. Like that at least you appear consistent. Consistency is key. Perhaps some bitter person will attempt to sue you for sexual harassment. But remind them that their credibility will go down with yours if they try anything
Yes, it is a difficult world out there, full of hot people.
Don’t complain if you’re lucky enough to have some eye candy at work. It’s pathetic.
Posted by: Kismet, 26, female, professional amateur | June 22nd, 2008 at 4:55 pm | Report this commentThink of those who don’t. Think of those who don’t have work. Think of those who not only get rebuffed, but are so incredibly undesirable that multiple restraining orders hover over their heads at any given moment of their existences.
If you are not capable of creating a solution to the situation you describe, then a brilliant planner you are not. Since you are a manager it is likely you have some good qualities; my advice would be to use those. If you are a smooth, likeable guy then sit everybody down and talk to them about the situation as you see it… make everybody see the funny side. I would also suggest you talk to the woman and make her feel comfortable with the situation. Let her know that you like her but expect nothing from her and that you will try to stop liking her. Maybe also make a joke on your account… ex. You are too old and stupid to find a new job so you would really like to make things work. If this would not be a joke and you are a manager simply because your manager is just as incompetent as you, than I suggest some good vodka. Vodka solves all problems, of that I am certain. Johan, 21, male, equity analyst
Posted by: Johan | June 24th, 2008 at 8:15 am | Report this commentHang in there. Wait until the next round of redundancies looms and then the reason for the tenseness will change.
In the meantime, try and clean up your act and stop being the office letch. It is not very pleasant.
Posted by: Ben, 28, consultant | June 24th, 2008 at 10:49 am | Report this commentGet real! Something did happen. By the sound of it, something is still happening.
You have got yourself in an impossible position. You either need to get her a good job in another department, or move on yourself.
Posted by: Chris | June 24th, 2008 at 11:54 am | Report this commentFire her; in light of not getting subject fired yourself for inefficency. If you must, reassign her in another sector of the organization - if it’s in your capacity.
If you’re too noble for this, you may leave the team yourself, work with another team - et al.
If none of these appeal, you could always discuss with her, and the team, about the possibilities and probablities, this is probably what I’d do.
Posted by: David Smith | June 24th, 2008 at 3:52 pm | Report this commentIf she deserves all your praise, just wait for people to forget about their suppositions. If she doesn’t, well… it is all in the other posts…
Posted by: Blandine, female, 30, analyst | June 24th, 2008 at 4:17 pm | Report this commentHow do you get to be 42 and not know if your lust is reciprocated. It’s understandable in a teenager but unforgiveable in someone middle aged.
Brian’s suggestion that you progress from letch to stalker sounds very expensive for your company, so I woudln’t go there unless you want her to leave with a large cheque.
Perhaps the best thing to do is grow up.
Posted by: Jan Ellis | June 25th, 2008 at 12:03 pm | Report this commentHmmmph! Well, on the plus side you are worried about the situation, but it’s probably more your own hide that’s concerning you. (And kudos to her for her grace under pressure.)
Obviously you should quit. Obviously you won’t.
I once had a boss touch my elbows whenever he’d dictate to me (back when I was fresh out of college and working as a temp). The day after I told him to stop touching my elbows, he fired me.
It’s still a man’s world, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be put in your place.
I hope she wrestles your job out from under you and you are sent packing to “flirt” with another subordinate.
Posted by: Laurie, age 46, journalist, CT | June 25th, 2008 at 11:12 pm | Report this commentI agree with Jan Ellis. A 42-year-old should be able to see if a woman is interested or not. That, however is what led me to suspect that she may have been manipulating him.
Agree Brian’s suggestion is bad, but mainly because in my experience “pull as a manager” based on some kind of evolutionary psychology idea of alpha males is a nonsense.
Posted by: Male, 30 | June 26th, 2008 at 6:50 am | Report this commentYou are an idiot and should resign, recommending the target of your unrequited love for your job on the way out. Even though this situation was not of her choosing, you have seriously compromised her career.
A few years ago, the married MD was coming on to me, everybody in the team noticed the excessive attention I was getting from him and my direct boss (female) had me fired as she felt threatened. Great, fired for being too attractive.
Posted by: Sarah 40, femail, consultant | June 26th, 2008 at 10:53 am | Report this commentOne of you must go!
Posted by: Loukas | June 30th, 2008 at 9:47 am | Report this commentThere is that old Irish joke: when a traveller asks a local for directions, he is told: “Well, I wouldn’t start from here.” It is useless advice for the traveller and equally useless for this chap pining for his unrequited love. But, by the by, his situation does hold a salutary lesson for everyone else, women as well as men: don’t allow yourself to get into such a situation in the first place. Far easier said than done, I know, but… As for this chap, I am slightly dubious as to whether he really was being as even-handed when he promoted his would-be lover. He says she deserved it, but just how objective was he? That, I think, is what is at the root of all the ‘tension’. His staff, her colleagues, will take some persuading that she did not, however inadvertently, receive rather preferential treatment. I think the only realistic solution here, however embarrassing it might prove to be, is to get everything out into the open and to clear the air. It might also help if the chap with the problem applied to move to another department. Getting the object of his unrequited love to move would not only be unfair, but could also store up trouble in the future, if, for example, at some point she claimed unfair dismissal. Thus it’s back to my original observation: I really wouldn’t have started from here. Other obvious questions are: is he married? Is she married? I don’t however imagine that in today’s modern, entlightened, post-ironic, forward-looking, committed society that matters very much any more. Oh well.
Posted by: patrick powell | June 30th, 2008 at 9:48 am | Report this commentYou may have overlooked her small mistakes and errors because you find her a little more than attractive. This mean your appraisal of her performance is not objective but is biased - of course you will deny this. You have failed your employer.
Posted by: Petra | June 30th, 2008 at 9:48 am | Report this commentIf she is as good as you say she is then she will continue receiving excellent appraisals and soon be promoted to your position - it is only a question of time. Soon resentment will set in.
Do not worry about her credibility - the fact that you are admitting to your weakness here means your credibity has already been destroyed, at least in the eyes of the rest of the staff.
One day soon a wounded member of your staff will report your antics to your senior or if you are the head of the chain you will be eating out of her hand. Either way you are a loser - you should look for a job elsewhere and let her take over your position - the “ultimate sacrifice”. You have failed in your job and you should do the honourable thing.
Please tell us more, I am loving every minute of it!
Are y’all into recycling at FT? This story sounds so familiar ..
Posted by: Niklas | June 30th, 2008 at 9:49 am | Report this commentPetra, what makes you such a judge?? By the sound of you, I would say that your advice is very biased and miopic, - nonsense!
Posted by: O. | June 30th, 2008 at 9:50 am | Report this commentThe man can do whatever he wants, nothing stupid of course, this is normal in every office. He is disadvantaged as he didn’t play safe and made her feelings known to her, so she can abuse this, but my advice would be to deny it and to tell her that he, like every man, has a propensity to fall in love with pretty girls or something and his feelings are long gone, play it professionally and get his perspective straight. I bet if you are not a wimp, lose interest in her, be cold, she might come back for more. Otherwise the business could just turn back to old normal and usual. I was in such situations, you must move on and leave it water under the bridge - mature people do - they just stay friendly and mutually-polite.
Don’t make a drama out of it and avoid drama-queens like Petra.
Spanish say(very rude)=”No pongas la polla donde tienes la olla”=Keep sex and business as far as possible.
Posted by: jashhondo | June 30th, 2008 at 9:51 am | Report this commentDon’t make advances in the office.Don’t work in a pub.
Dear O,
Posted by: Petra | June 30th, 2008 at 9:52 am | Report this commentYou wrote: “..she might come back for more.”
What exactly is she coming back for? More of what?
You are so sweet “O”, by the way are you a manager in one of the US investment banks? I am highly qualified and very attractive! *wink* - get it?
This happens everyday and in every company. The world is not falling apart. I don’t think you need to change your job or even thinking about it. You’re a grown-up. You liked someone and she didn’t like you back. The end of the story. Get over it, find someone else (try to look outside your office this time) and move on. This way, your staff will realise they are making a storm in a tea cup!
Posted by: Mo | June 30th, 2008 at 9:53 am | Report this commentTake it easy and good luck
What was this manager thinking? Office attractions may be common whether real or mere infatuations. Office romances do not work and undoubtedly upset the already often fragile flow of human interaction and team building in an office setting. I agree with an earlier post. The gentleman should move on; he was foolish to begin the public display in the first place. There are times when we all should keep our feelings to ourselves.
Posted by: Stewart | June 30th, 2008 at 9:53 am | Report this commentThe man must try to move on with his life, and never repeate the same act again. This things always happen.
Posted by: Sithembiso Sangweni | June 30th, 2008 at 9:54 am | Report this commentYou are a human being so you have every right to find women attractive. In any case, as a manager take care that you treat all your team members fairly and professionally. If you honestly feel you can manage that, then there is no need to move to another department or even company. The atmosphere should be back to normal soon, unless there are other problems and individuals in your team use your would-be-affair as an escape vent. It is of course so convenient to be angry on a boss who “promoted that woman just because he is in love with her”. So you will both need to hold it out and prove yourselves as true professionals.
Posted by: Carlos | June 30th, 2008 at 9:55 am | Report this commentOtherwise, it’s a pity you didn’t ask her out before promoting her and giving her a bonus…
first, do no more harm. you cannot change the past. do right today.
Posted by: chris robling | June 30th, 2008 at 9:56 am | Report this commentif you are in the u.s. you have opened your employer and possibly yourself to legal and financial liability. i suppose the same is generally true in the u.k. and across the e.u.
either your employer or you or both could be named in a sexual harrassment lawsuit. one or more of three general grounds may be cited. the subject of your letter could state that you created a hostile environment. she also could say you conditioned her situation, bonus or advancement on favorable responses to your overtures. her colleague competitors for the promotion she received may allege that you failed to give them proper consideration because your focus was elsewhere.
such a filing — regardless of the grounds — is an experience you do not want to have.
there is a troubling point in your note: that the office is catching on. if you have been appropriately inscrutable since her declination, then the office is not learning of this from you. were i you, i would be uneasy about alternative possible sources of such awareness.
stiffen up, man.
adopt your game face and stoicize yourself.
then call a trusted longtime friend who is also an experienced and successful defense employment claim litigator and make a lunch or dinner date asap.
you may also want to learn a lot from this sequence of events.
chris, 52, principal in communications firm
Well, I don’t think it’s a big problem unless you let it grow. I think this situation is quite common so you don’t have nothing to be ashame of. However, you shall not let this minor trouble to scalate. As some people has already said, the best thing you can do is to move on, you didn’t do anything wrong as long as you respect her (thing that you must do) and judge her in an objective way. If I were in your place I would stop looking for her ASAP, and try to be more distant with her. Look for someone else outside of your office and keep your romantic feelings in other place and everything should be fine. Good luck.
Posted by: Jonathan | June 30th, 2008 at 9:57 am | Report this commentWhy dont you throw everyone off the scent by pulling someone else in another department?
Posted by: Mikey | June 30th, 2008 at 9:58 am | Report this commentWait a sec! This is almost exactly the same letter as one last week under the title “What should I do to ease the tense atmosphere in our team?”.
Posted by: AG | June 30th, 2008 at 9:59 am | Report this commentGrrrr…
You’re like a kipper in the sauna! Get out of the office more and take up a hobby - sounds like you need to relax and get some other interests quick.
Posted by: Finn, Oslo | June 30th, 2008 at 10:00 am | Report this commentSounds familiar.. I went through the same thing three years ago and it changed my life totally. I brought a young woman (let’s call her Sally) into my company from outside and in between arranging her interview (with a hard headed colleague)and her starting, I’d fallen madly in love. After some initial loving /flirtacious moments, she blew me out and I realised it would never work. I continued to admire her from afar (across the office) and it became the classic case of unrequited love. Despite the heartache of it all I eventually got over her.. and met someone else who made it her mission to end my obsession, and who has become a strong supportive life partner. It all ended happily and Sally still works for me - we’ve become great platonic friends, even if the heartstrings still tug sometimes.
Posted by: 16. andy - 53 - director | June 30th, 2008 at 10:00 am | Report this commentMy advice: We are all human (fortunately) - these office affairs can be life changing - we learn more about ourselves, think about our marriages and sometimes it’s a stimulus to move on. I moved on, wrote a book about my experiences and got divorced. Work things generally don’t work - so find someone new. Time is a great healer, but try to stay friends with the object of your desires. It can work - believe me.
Petra and Chris are right, just get over it.
Posted by: Mark, 41, manager | June 30th, 2008 at 10:01 am | Report this commentPresumably you can justify the bonus and promotion on purely business grounds, so stop being a cry baby and get on with your work. If it makes you feel any better, hats off to you for being open with her and to her for being polite about it.
And you other people too scared to move for litigation: I am very sorry, but it’s perfectly acceptable to “meet someone” at work, assuming all concerned are free and single, and it doesn’t sound as if this guy did anything inappropriate. A good company will know how to deal with honest relationships between staff (e.g. ensure no reporting lines), and break-ups for that matter.
It will be exciting while it lasts’s but the fallout when it finishes will be devastating.
Posted by: Derek, m, 48, MD | June 30th, 2008 at 10:02 am | Report this commentGrapes are sour and you are looking to have your revenge.
Posted by: read_books | June 30th, 2008 at 10:03 am | Report this commentFind another woman. There are many other women available. You don’t need to resign or make a drama out of it.
Posted by: Pablo | June 30th, 2008 at 10:03 am | Report this commentWomen value men based to a large extent on what other people think of the man in question.
Posted by: Samec, 30 | June 30th, 2008 at 10:04 am | Report this commentYou need to have two women on your team so they start competing with each other for your attention and get into a kind of feedback loop. Effectively you are not famous for being famous, but attractive for being attractive.
It’s difficult to have one woman interested, it tends to be either zero or two or more for the above reason.
You were dealt a good hand but have played your cards woefully and squandered the value that chance and opportunity provided. Obviously the twin incentives of promotion and bonus were not used effectively, you paid the piper before hearing the tune and your lament is sad indeed. A recent survey claimed that 70% of women would not (shall we say) ?look favourably? on their boss to gain advancement in their careers, which leaves 30% for whom a little encouragement would pay dividends. Try to be more forward looking, strategic planning 0/10.
Posted by: John | June 30th, 2008 at 10:05 am | Report this commentEither you are talking about it or she is. Otherwise how would anyone else know ?
Posted by: Michael | June 30th, 2008 at 10:06 am | Report this commentSo you have no choice- you have to prove you are fair to all - so arrange for her to be transferred/promoted to your Vladivostock office.
You are seeking integrity; this is a good start.
Posted by: Bernhard, 36, Statistician | June 30th, 2008 at 10:06 am | Report this commentAlthough your corporate code of conduct likely does not literally cover unrequited love: Walk the talk the spirit!
Fire Thyself
Posted by: Chief Executive of a Financial Services Firm | June 30th, 2008 at 10:07 am | Report this commentYou should be fired. Stop thinking about your own personal “soap opera” situation and start thinking about the future of your productive employee. Because of your boneheaded revelations, she is now seen by other corporate employees as being rewarded subjectively by you for her attractiveness, rather than objectively for her productivity. Thus your only ethical recourse is recusal. Remove yourself immediately from judging her contributions to the team. If that is impossible, then you must get yourself transferred or promoted away from any regular contact you have with her. If that is impossible, you should find another job. There is simply no way that she should have you working with her in any kind of supervisory role whatsoever. She has class and has suffered through your indiscretions with a stiff upper lip long enough.
Many people say he should leave or get transferred. What if it was a small company (ie just the team) and he was the owner-manager of the company?
Posted by: Samec, 30 | June 30th, 2008 at 10:08 am | Report this commentYou should apologize to her. Take her aside, say you made some foolish comments to her, that where completely out of line, and that it will not happen again.
Posted by: Z | June 30th, 2008 at 10:08 am | Report this commentI agree with the other posters who say you are a fool. Reputation and the respect of your team are very fragile things. You have damaged both.
Do not attempt to move her unless it is a clear promotion. She has dirt on you.
Samec, I think the advice given would also work in a small firm.
It is not surprising that there are problems associated with mixed genders in a work force, let alone in the armed services, where emotions get mixed up with the mission environment.
Posted by: Blair | June 30th, 2008 at 10:09 am | Report this commentFind a job for her that meets her career requirements and out of contact with you.
The important thing **not** to do is to have extended lunch breaks with her, because there will be an assumption that there is more than ‘within the office’ interactions.
Posted by: Blair | June 30th, 2008 at 10:10 am | Report this commentPetra, oh dear, i am not interested in you in the least, no need to advertise yourself on here, I am not available for your type. When i said she would come for more - some men resonated - everyone likes a little bit of favour and attention and if the lover goes hot/cold - that would intrigue anyone - human nature. Samec, exactly, good point!
So many different opinions - just goes to show - you can’t please all.
The bottom line - don’t abuse your position, no favours, apart from this - congrats on being human, alive and in love, it’s a fantastic feeling even if not always met. A skilled player would turn this situation around in no time. By the sound of it you might either a toxic bachelor, too nice and too proper genteleman (boring), not her type at all or married, or a bit out of the game - brush up your skills and enjoy life, lucky you to have beautiful and bright women around. For those who are so obsessed with the PC gone mad, and “don’t s… where you eat theories” - these are all negative connotations assuming you are abusing someone or taking advantage of someone. The jerks of course should remember the above at all times.
Posted by: O | June 30th, 2008 at 4:17 pm | Report this commentZ, it depends which advice. Most of the advice is that he should leave. If he was the owner this would mean he would have to sell the company, which is unrealistic to expect.
In the larger company, whether he can promote her or not to an extent depends on how justified the original promotion was.
What would people say are the “points to learn” from her side?
Posted by: Samec, 30 | July 1st, 2008 at 6:11 am | Report this comment“Never retreat. Never explain. Get it done and let them howl.”
- Benjamin Jowett
Posted by: R. Sole | July 4th, 2008 at 5:23 pm | Report this commentOh please. This isn’t even worth writing in about. You tried it, she didn’t go for it, case closed. So WHAT?! She doesn’t have a problem, you do. And it’s all in your head. Ladies, here are my best two pieces of advice from years of working in predominantly male offices. 1) Reject gently or in a kindly humorous way and then act like the whole thing never happen. 2) Never have more than two drinks in front of male colleagues so you never lose control. 3) If they ever start talking about being unhappy in their personal lives, particularly if they start down “my wife doesn’t understand me” then gracefully retire and again pretend it didn’t happen. A work colleague hit on me once after knowing me for years. I hid my shock, backed off and the next day made a few jokes about it. Then I never raised it again. He made one mistake on a day he clearly felt vulnerable for some reason; it wasn’t worth flushing the whole relationship over. You made one mistake and she isn’t holding it against you. Get over it and go on. Can’t believe all the posts saying one of you should have to leave. Nothing happened.
Posted by: Sandie, 45, private banking | July 7th, 2008 at 12:56 pm | Report this comment