One of my team members is very good at what she does and has been rewarded, by me, with promotion and bonuses. There is no doubt in my mind that she deserved this recognition, and I hope that most of her colleagues would agree. But there is another fact: I find her very attractive. Some months ago I made my feelings plain to her, and she politely rebuffed me. Both of us carry on as if nothing had happened, but I think that other members of the team have now cottoned on, and as a result the atmosphere is a little tense. Now, not only is my credibility at risk, but hers is too. What should I do?
Manager, male, 42
Lucy’s Answer
If your difficulty is as you describe, the answer is easy. You should do nothing. An atmosphere that is “a little tense” is hardly a great problem.
But in fact I suspect you are either deluding yourself, or deluding me. On your account, you have a bright and attractive woman on your team, and you – poor fool – have fallen for her and told her so. This is a genuine problem.
Fortunately, though, she didn’t scream sexual harassment but gracefully pushed you away. This, too, could be a problem for you: to be rejected by someone who works for you can’t feel good. But your stated problem makes no sense at all. You say that several months after this awkward exchange other team members have cottoned on. But cottoned on to what?
By your own admission you both have been behaving exactly as before, so there isn’t any reason why they should have. You also say her credibility is at stake. Why? She has behaved incredibly well – she has batted away your advances, so her credibility should be in pretty good shape.
I suspect the reason that the others have got wind of it – and the reason this is still such a problem for you – is that you are still mooching around after her. In which case the problem is less your credibility than your peace of mind. That will be solved only if she moves, or you do.
Unless, of course, something else has happened: maybe she has not been quite so graceful about refusing you. Perhaps she has been regaling the others with stories of your advances, and they have all been laughing at you. Then your credibility really is shot.
The only way to repair it is to stop all leching and keep the stiffest of upper lips. If you behave really well, they’ll lose interest – but it may take a while.
