FT.com | Dear Lucy | ‘I don’t want to bump into an old colleague that I hate’

‘I don’t want to bump into an old colleague that I hate’

September 11, 2008

My son has just started at a top school and to my horror I see from the address list that he is in the same class as the son of a man whose incessant bullying forced me to leave a job I loved. We were co-managing directors and the sight of his name still makes me feel sick. He was in trouble when I left as the company was forced to settle with me. I cannot face the thought of bumping into him in the playground or at a parents’ evening. Should I confront him? Tell other parents? Do I have to become an absent mother and detach myself from my son’s education? Do I tell my son to keep his distance? What if they become the best of friends? I could not bear it.

Banker, female, 40

Lucy’s Answer

The answers to your questions are No, No and No. Don’t confront him, as what would you say – “I still hate you, you beastly bully, and I’m telling you right now that your son isn’t invited to any of my son’s parties”? Don’t tell other parents, as you would only sound mad and bitter. And they do not need to be warned against him as he is most unlikely to start bullying stray parents at school functions. Above all, don’t tell your son. He needs to decide which of the other boys he likes without heavy breathing from you.

Comfort yourself with the thought that banking executives have rather a lot on their plates at the moment so are not likely to be taking their sons to school and even less likely to be hanging around the school gates for a gossip. Unless they have just been fired, that is.

Either way, you need to put what happened in the past. He isn’t bullying you any more. You left the company and he got into trouble, so he will want to avoid you even more keenly than you want to avoid him.

You may have to endure the sight of him at parents’ evenings, but there will be lots of other people there for you to duck behind. If you do come face to face with him, give an icy smile, say hello and congratulate yourself on being so dignified.

If the thought of doing that leaves you feeling too sick, you may need a bit of cognitive behaviour therapy to get the requisite distance from the blighter.

There is a danger that his son will become friends with yours, but more likely he will report that the boy is a knobhead. In
that case you can take great pleasure in saying airily that you aren’t surprised: the father is a cad, too.

September 11th, 2008 in Uncategorised | Permalink

67 Responses to “‘I don’t want to bump into an old colleague that I hate’”

Comments

This is a problem I can really relate to. The wake of my career is littered with people who dislike me so intensely that they would risk their children’s emotional development to avoid seeing me again.

In Sweden we say that you have to “look large” on things like this. I suppose that means the same thing as rising above it. From my point of view that is the best. I usually don’t see the loathing in people’s eyes and chances are I have forgot about what I did to the person anyway. You will usually just end up ignoring each other and that will be fine. Unless of course you are neurotic and emotional about… oh I see you’re a woman, never mind.

But, there was this one time, by strange coincidence at my youngest child’s school, someone keyed my Porsche Cayenne during the parent-teacher meeting. I suspected my second wife, but then I saw this guy I had taken an account off a couple of years back. Some people are just so small-minded.

So whatever you do, don’t key his car. It’s not nice and you wouldn’t believe how much it costs to respray two-toned gold and purple.
Posted by: Stellan Sjögreen, Banker 39 | September 11th, 2008 at 7:43 am | Report this comment
I find that a common source of stress for women is focusing on theoretical future events… my fiancée suffers from this, amm, I don’t want to say problem, but am unable to find a better word. Maybe one of you can suggest one. To continue, the likelihood that you will meet this man in school is very slim. It is usually the mother that goes to pick their kids up from school, go to parent-teacher meetings and so forth. Men usually go to sports events to yell at the referee, trying to convince him, by either subtle or not so subtle means, that his son is innocent of this or that.
Posted by: Johan, Male, Equity Analyst, 22 | September 11th, 2008 at 7:48 am | Report this comment
It is a common source of stress for women to focuse on theoretical future events? my fiancée suffers from this, amm, I don?t want to say problem, but am unable to find a better word. Maybe one of you can suggest one. To continue, the likelihood that you will meet this man in school is very slim. It is usually the mother that goes to pick their kids up from school, go to parent-teacher meetings and so forth. Men usually go to sports events to yell at the referee, trying to convince him, by either subtle or not so subtle means, that his son is innocent of this or that.
Posted by: Johan, Male, Equity Analyst, 22 | September 11th, 2008 at 7:50 am | Report this comment
Whilst you are busy worrying about how this will affect you, you do not seem to be taking into account how it might affect your son. At best the sight of Mummy visibly cowering and avoiding another parent might be bewildering and upsetting. At worst he may learn by your example that this is the way to deal with difficult situations, or that if this is what it means to be a Managing Director then he better aim low in life in order to avoid trouble. If the animosity is kept alive or escalated it might trickle down from parents to children, and your child might suffer a bout of playground bullying. So, for the sake of your child, I would urge you to rise above it all. Remind yourself, and if necessary your former colleague, that you are both at the school as parents and not in your professional capacities. Leave professional differences at the door.

If you do think that you need to let other parents know, keep it to the bare minimum – just tell them that you know each other professionally and that you have had serious disagreements. If you tell them any more then it will backfire. Other parents will either feel that you are on a crusade against him or that you are seeking to draw them into the dispute. Either way they will feel uncomfortable and avoid you. Again, think of the effect on your son.

When it comes to your own perspective, your dread of seeing him again has already painted you in the role of victim and handed power to him. Have you not been vindicated by the settlement? He is now just another parent, and has no leverage over you. If he tries to get heavy handed then it will rebound on him. If he tries to use his son to get back at you, then it will rebound on him.

Rise above it all.
Posted by: Anthony | September 11th, 2008 at 8:31 am | Report this comment
This is one of those wars worth fighting, as old Niccoló put it.

I once fired a subordinate who would not admit he had been having an affair with MY secretary. Four years later I realised his son and my daughter were about to start attending the same school. I took the headmaster out for a dinner at a restaurant where he wouldn’t be able to pay for even a starter.

Let’s just make it clear that the serpent’s offspring never entered a single class at my daughter’s school.
Posted by: Terrence Lock Esq | September 11th, 2008 at 9:29 am | Report this comment
A recent study found that 37% of American workers have been bullied directly and another 12% have witnessed it happening to others. You are not alone.

Bullies are noxious individuals and, worse still in your case, tend to transfer their agressive style to their children. Your bully seems to be particularly noxious because you apparently got a pay-off when you left thanks to others’ recognition of his intimidation.

Judging by your feelings now, you don’t see this as a win for yourself. Your self-confidence, feelings of self-worth, all have been impaired.

It is time to get even. You don’t expect him to change - and you are right. Quite likely he will continue to try and intimidate and harass. Running away - you could move your son to another school, I suppose - won’t help. Both you and your son will be confronted by other bullies in future and both of you will benefit by understanding how to do so now.

Bullying is a much studied subject and I suspect you can quickly learn some techniques and tactics by reading and joining discussions.

From my own experience of bullies I believe most of them are cowards, using intimidation to cover up their own weakness and vulnerability. You need to find out what his weakness is - you should know him well enough by now - and figure out how to attack it at a time and place of your choosing. Meanwhile try and stay calm, unbothered. Vent if you feel like it - don’t worry about other people knowing where you stand: you are a nice person, people know that, and he won’t like the direct confrontation. Bullies are people who like to administer chinese burns behind the bike sheds and don’t do too well in broad daylight with an audience.

At the first sign that his son is emulating the behaviour of the father, don’t hesitate to involve the school authorities and warn them of his disturbed family background.

Good luck. Be thankful that you now have an opportunity to lay a ghost to rest and prepare for the opportunity as if you were going to war -you are. Even if this war is not of your choosing, winning it will be satisfying and you will win.
Posted by: Chris J | September 11th, 2008 at 9:57 am | Report this comment
It may be that he had the same feeling of dread when he saw your name on the list and would happily avoid you too.
I would suggest that you simply ignore him (and it will appear to your son as if he were just another parent that you don’t know). If he attempts to engage you in conversation, tell him that whilst you wish to be civil you have no wish to talk to him.
If your sons should become friends (and after all neither his son nor yours is to blame for your dispute), what’s the worse thing that could happen - invites to birthday parties etc? Well, your spouses could perform party-escort duties and should you be forced to see your nemesis, if you can act civilly, whilst keeping any conversation to a minimum, you might get some satisfaction from a sense that you are now at last in control of your emotions and are moving on from your previous state of distress. Above all, be determined that your past history will not hinder your son’s education, nor affect his choice of friends, and don’t embarrass yourself or others by trying to involve other parents.
Posted by: DML | September 11th, 2008 at 11:21 am | Report this comment
Be An Example. If you want your children to see that you can be bullied, then carry on as you are. You simply need to stand up to them. You need to be bold and brassy. You stated that you got a good settlement, and that would have left him smarting. You have a victory over him. Relish it and if you do meet him, look him in the eye, and give as good as you get, remembering you had the last laugh. If you can’t do this, then do it for your son, he deserves nothing less.

Tim, Director, male, Age 41
Posted by: Tim | September 11th, 2008 at 11:42 am | Report this comment
Raze your child in the ways of subterfuge and kick-boxing. Vengeance shall be yours.
Posted by: Brian | September 11th, 2008 at 2:25 pm | Report this comment
Get down and dirty, dear. When you do see him, run away screaming, “It’s him!” People will get the idea and shun him. Be bold. Never retreat.
Of course, if you wind up in line for some reason, it will have a wonderful effect on all if you suddenly shout, “Get yours hands off me!”
Posted by: Wes Pedersen | September 11th, 2008 at 3:04 pm | Report this comment
What on earth is this top school doing circulating the addresses of its pupils? Why should any parent need to know the addresses of all other pupils in the school/class? If a parent needs to make contact with another (other than meeting at the gate) it should be done through the school secretary.

Surely with all the recent publicity about missing details for Child benfits, driving licences, bank accounts, prisoners, prison staff, etc, etc, all organisations should be thinking twice or more before releasing such information.
Posted by: Tricia. female, 62 | September 11th, 2008 at 3:22 pm | Report this comment
Probably best not to tell your son this. He might mention it to the other boy and then both children will suffer for the sins of their fathers. Neither boy deserves to be bullied because of a situation involving their parents.
Simoney Girard, female, 30, journalist
Posted by: simoney Girard | September 11th, 2008 at 5:14 pm | Report this comment
I think you should just get a grip, you don’t work with him now, he cannot say nothing to you as your not personal friends or colleagues. If he does come over and talk to you then blank him. Whats the worst he can do? He can’t undermine as you dont work together, he cannot attack you or hit you and he certainly does not have any right to talk with you and if he does, then throw insults back. If you act like a coward, you will turn your son in to a coward.
Posted by: Mo, Male, Banker, 19 | September 11th, 2008 at 6:18 pm | Report this comment
Pour yourself a large gin and put your feet up in front of the TV news. Consider all the terrrible things in the world. Your problem isn’t one of them.
Posted by: Greg 43 male doctor | September 11th, 2008 at 6:49 pm | Report this comment
My response has been to do nothing - and rise above it. As stated above, there are more important issues in the world, like getting the republicans out of office.
Posted by: anon, 31 | September 11th, 2008 at 8:35 pm | Report this comment
I don’t think it is a cause for too much panic. I know picturing the worst-case scenario might seem prudent and for the better, but if anything it will only weaken your abilities to deal with the situation (if any comes up) instead of strengthening you for its possibility. I cannot believe you are even considering telling the other parents, forget that idea completely. You are there for your son, remember that. Like another talkbacker said, you will probably encounter the mother instead of the father, and if you do see the father try to keep yourself calm. It might even not be as bad as you think.
Posted by: Isabella, 22, F | September 11th, 2008 at 10:12 pm | Report this comment
You should find within yourself the courage not to care about him. It’s possibly the hardest route to take, but also the best one for you. It is also the best example you can set for your son. Good luck.
Posted by: TK, Banker, Male, 35 | September 11th, 2008 at 11:38 pm | Report this comment
After posting my own comment I read the others. I am disappointed that some are misogynist, some arrogant and some set out to belittle. Just shows that subtle forms of bullying persist even within the hallowed pink pages…
Posted by: TK, Banker, Male, 35 | September 11th, 2008 at 11:47 pm | Report this comment
My wife has developed a perfect answer to problems like this. A man that bullied you into leaving a job you loved should not continue to exist. She would plan in much detail his very complicated murder. This man is about to have an unforseen accident. Once the details of the person’s demise are set, she changes the names involved and sends the plan to her publisher as a mystery. In the real world the miscreant lives but my wife has the satisfaction of knowing that, in her mind, they got their just desserts.
Posted by: Richard - male - 58 - site manager | September 12th, 2008 at 12:43 am | Report this comment
For a few hungry career chasers the workplace is a show of business not a show of friends. Further more, some use bully boy tactics with little consideration for those that feel the victim. Typically, this sort of mover and shaker is insecure and generally a poor performer but is able to blister on with formidable connections (like minded senior execs).

It would therefore be better for your soul to refuse to be the victim any longer. Get involved in school activities with the thought of this person banished from your mind. In the event that you do meet, then greet him with an air of superiority and a look of pity.

That all said, It would appear that this person ‘being in trouble’ during your exit was a slight overstatement (as he is still sending his kids to a top school) and unlikely that he thinks he has erred in anyway. I would, therefore, hazzard that he viewed the same address list, saw your name and now dreads the day he bumps in to the nuerotic ex colleague who tried to ruin his career for reasons unknown to him.
Posted by: Mr T, VIP, London | September 12th, 2008 at 4:15 am | Report this comment
Absolutely do NOT alter your life for him, make sure he sees you at functions, make sure he knows you survived his harassment, and make sure you speak to him when the situation presents itself and make sure you never avoid him, I promise you, it will make him more uncomfortable than it does you. If he approaches you and starts to speak, tell him anything you had to say was said when you left the job.
Posted by: greg s | September 12th, 2008 at 5:36 am | Report this comment
Is this a school or a class with only two students ? There is a concept known as “moving on”, which has great practical application. Check it out, works very well most of the time.
Posted by: out of the box | September 12th, 2008 at 7:00 am | Report this comment
There is an old English aphorism which states that “you can blow a bully over.” The best thing to do in the circumstance of your paths ever crossing at your son’s school is to look the coward in the eye and say hello. I have always found that frightens bullies so much they will not be able to cope and will avoid you henceforth.
Posted by: Iain; aged 35; job title: Director of consumer equity research | September 12th, 2008 at 8:04 am | Report this comment
As the parent of children who have all now thankfully moved on from prep school, reading these comments make me fear for the well-being of school-children everywhere who must try to grow up and learn something in such a world.
Posted by: Blackstone | September 12th, 2008 at 9:44 am | Report this comment
The emotion you are struggling with is hatred. It is not a nice one - big and irrational, as dangerous when it is pointed outwards (at the man in question) as it is when it is pointed in (at yourself for being beaten by him). My advice would be to focus on the nature and dangerousness of your hatred of this man, and make sure that it does not express itself in actions that you will regret. If your son becomes his child’s friend, be honest with them both. Let them judge who was “right” and who was “wrong” in some dim distant past. Don’t be friendly with your enemy, but don’t go kicking him either. Quietly share the burden of your struggle with another parent if you can. If you succeed in managing your hatred you will be making a massive step in your own development and putting this little oik into his proper perspective.
Posted by: Peter K | September 12th, 2008 at 10:04 am | Report this comment
Why are you still letting him have power over you? No one has the right or ability to control how you feel unless you, yourself allow it. Bullying is a horrific psychological attack and can take years to recover from. Understandably you have let yourself slip into the role of persecuted victim and upon seeing his son’s name on the address list, where your response should have been “Oh well, he’s not my problem now”, you started spiralling into that familiar panic. The truth is you are keeping yourself afraid; there’s absolutely nothing he can do to hurt you in your son’s school playground, or anywhere else for that matter. He has no hold over you any more.

Did you have counselling or any kind of help immediately after you left? It sounds like you need to regain your confidence which in turn will help you believe that you don’t need to feel this way any more.
Posted by: Emily | September 12th, 2008 at 10:22 am | Report this comment
There have been a number of pathetic and regrettable comments to your difficult question.
What you need to realise is that your reaction is driven by FEAR. Master your fear, and you will control the situation. And remember that it is your child we’re talking about here, not you. Let the children have the relationship they build, pay great attention to it, make sure you collectively are irreproachable in your behaviour, do not rush into conclusions and give things a little time before addressing them. Are you happy with your life after leaving your job? Leaving it might have been a blessing in disguise after all, in which case you will be a radiating happy Mother, which will give your bully food for thought, as he is probably a deeply sad person who’s finding it difficult to control his life’s expectations vs. reality. Do not give in tho the dark side and may the Force be with you.
Posted by: Philippe | September 12th, 2008 at 11:09 am | Report this comment
Revenge is the petty and small-minded solution: it would do nothing more than bring you down to the level of a bully. Moreover, remember that if you warn other parents about the monstrousness of this individual you might persuade them, or you may just look paranoid or hysterical. If this man hates you so much, that would play exactly into his hands.

What your son wants (and needs) is a calm, controlled and supportive mother. You can provide just this by thinking about your dignity. Bullies work by sensing fear: so don’t show yours.

Yes, you may see him in the playground but so what? You need do nothing but nod an acknowledgement and walk away. If your sons do make friends (and please don’t be tempted to project the father’s sins onto the children) then there is no need for you to be friends as well.
Posted by: Chris Mc | September 12th, 2008 at 12:47 pm | Report this comment
The worst thing that could happen, I believe, is that he grooms his son to continue the battle by proxy. This could be quite likely if he’s the kind of person you describe him to be - and, from what you write, he may well feel himself to be the loser from the whole affair. To pre-empt that, it’s essential that you make the school fully aware of the situation.

As for your own reaction, that’s been covered already: my own feeling is that you should try to act with confidence and directness when you’re in a position where you can’t avoid him.

Finally, I’d keep it all from your son: he might be unduly sensitive about something which hasn’t happened yet and - in hope - never will.
Posted by: John W | September 12th, 2008 at 1:40 pm | Report this comment
I had to endure a similar situation for many years in a company where bullying was endemic at every level. However in my case there was a restructuring and the bullies’ chickens came home to roost. Everyone was made to reinterview for new jobs but the bullies had already shown their true colours and the damage they did to their teams and the company. None made it through the process and they were all “let-go”. Satisfyingly the worst cases have also been fired from their new comnpanies and their careers are in an inexorable downward spiral.

Like you I sometimes worried about how I would react to meeting them but when I do bump into them (i) there’s not one who doesn’t go ashen faced and try to escape, and (ii) its amazing how weak they are outside the environment that gave them power. So - have some confidence in yourself. Remember it was you who won the settlement. You can’t get back the time they took from you but you don’t have to let them do it again.

Jason. 37. Banker
Posted by: Jason | September 12th, 2008 at 2:40 pm | Report this comment
Remove your son from the ‘top’ school and send him to the local state school. There he will get a broad education and experience a rich and diverse social mix, which is less likely to include the offspring of obnoxious MDs. You wouldn’t know if it did, anyway, because the school, respecting privacy and data protection obligations would not do anything so daft as circulate a pupil address list.

Nigel, 53, male, director.
Posted by: Nigel M | September 12th, 2008 at 2:47 pm | Report this comment
Seriously, Ex MD huh? This is quite ridiculous. Stop acting cowardly and be a parent to your son. Your personal or professional vendetta’s should never interfere with your parenting abilities. Do not try and interfere with any potential friendships or influence your son to distance himself from his schoolmates. That would be terribly wrong. Rise above your pettiness, grow up and get over your fears before they become overwhelming for yourself and your son.
Posted by: S. B | September 12th, 2008 at 3:19 pm | Report this comment
You need to relax, really you do. As the doctor says there are bigger herring in the sea.

I would suggest putting a fish finger up his air intake (on the car, ja) when he is dropping junior off - have a laugh with everyone else when the fishy family turn up to school! Then leave it right there as though nothing ever happened - you’ll be the winner!
Posted by: Finn, Oslo | September 12th, 2008 at 3:28 pm | Report this comment
Dear Lady, None of the options you suggest is any good. Be adult about this. Ignore the fact that you have seen his name and if/when you do bump into him, act frostily in a way he can notice but noone else can. If you let on that he still has a hold on you, you’ve lost the battle twice. You will feel strong and much more able to move on if you confront your fear of him and, well, move on!!! And on no account start telling anyone who doesn’t know. If need be, discuss this with a behavioural therapist. This can only hurt you if you allow it to. You may think you can’t control it but you’ll find out you can if you try.
Posted by: elizabeth schumann | September 12th, 2008 at 3:47 pm | Report this comment
Dear Stellan,

Your responses on this board are exceptionally entertaining. I would love to work with a person such as yourself, regardless of how offensive you might be on a day-to-day basis. But I doubt you’re that bad, as your humour and situational awareness would almost certainly smooth the rough bits.

Are you hiring?

Steve H. (Jr. Banker)
Posted by: Steve H | September 12th, 2008 at 4:02 pm | Report this comment
There is an old saying that goes, You cant pick your co-workers but you can pick your friends. I would suggest you carry on with your life and not associate with the bully. Should your paths cross, a simple nod as you walk by him should be sufficent. There is no need to speak to him.

As to telling your son, I would say no. The sins of the parent should not be visited upon the child. If you and the bully raise your children in your own molds, your son will be wise enough to avoid bully2 naturally.

Best of Luck
Posted by: Gary, 51, M, Sr Mgr | September 12th, 2008 at 4:41 pm | Report this comment
You’re an MD-level banker. So is your arch-nemesis. Be realistic. How much time are either of you going to spend hanging around outside the school gates, or manning cake stalls at the fete? He’ll be getting the nanny to drop his son off in the Range Rover. I suggest that you do the same. As for your son, I guess you don’t talk a great deal about what you do at work, and he doesn’t tell you what happens at school. Long may it continue.
Posted by: Brian | September 12th, 2008 at 5:37 pm | Report this comment
Oops. I left this off the above post:

Director, 39
Posted by: Brian | September 12th, 2008 at 5:38 pm | Report this comment
1. Remember the Montagues and Capulets and what happened to their children. Let yours make their own friends. If asked tell the truth: you used to work with X’s father and that you didn’t get on.

2. Far from cowering at the thought of this person, who was prepared to behave like a beast, just be relieved that you are not that sort of person yourself and remember that the best revenge you can have on your enemy is to have a happy life. Even if you do not feel it make a point of trying to look radiant whenever you go to the school and if you do cross paths with the guy, treat him with calm, good natured indifference and move on.
3. Allowing all those negative feelings to accumulate around you will do you no good at all. Let them go, put them in a parcel and give them to God or whoever or whatever you believe in.
Buena suerte.
Posted by: Alexander H | September 12th, 2008 at 6:27 pm | Report this comment
From my own experience I confirm that bullying is far more common than is suspected.

After having been bullied into early retirement, I found the best way out is to avoid contact with the bully who is as miserable as he always was and needs no further punishment from me to continue rotting in his self created hell.

Of course everyone has one’s own way of tackling such stressful and unpleasant situations. I find confrontation with people I dislike too corrosive when life is so short.

John (retired banker)
Posted by: John (retired banker) Age: 58 | September 12th, 2008 at 7:11 pm | Report this comment
Send your husband to parents’ evening.
Pick your school visits at times when he is unlikely to be around.
Prepare a whole series of dismissively cutting remarks so that you have at least one ready for any occasion in which you might encounter him
DO warn your son that this other boy might have it in for him because you exposed his father’s failings without going into detail (if pushed you can claim banking secrecy).
Enroll your son in the local boxing club or, if your enemy’s son can box, enroll him in a martial arts class that will teach him to fight dirty (it is preferable to have the moral high ground but when facing bullies it is usually more important to win). It is amusing to see how many 12 or 15 stone slobs back down when they are told another guy boxed, even at 8 or 9 stone - several of my older friends were amateur boxers 40+ years ago!
If they become best of friends it would mean that the son had become totally different from the father so score that as a win for yourself.
Don’t send your son to a state school - if he is bright enough to get into a top school he is likely to be bullied by yobs who dislike being shown to be stupid by another boy’s innocent responses.
John 62, male, consultant
Posted by: John | September 12th, 2008 at 7:29 pm | Report this comment
One time a man down the street had a son who bullied my son on the bus. When the man’s business failed I was charged with liquidating his business and, in the process, had him thrown out of his home. I was delighted.

I would recommend launching an underhanded smear campaign. Maby like, “Why does so and so seem to have such a fascination with HIL (highly infectious leprosy) you think he could find something more socially acceptable to speak about.” or “it’s really impressive how he keeps up on such a meager salary.” or “he seems nice but the woman he dates seem a little tarty.”

Hope this gives you some ideas.

Gary
Posted by: Gary Tietelbaum | September 12th, 2008 at 7:41 pm | Report this comment
Lilly livered… get on with saving the credit crunch and let your son BE
Posted by: Parent, 2 girls | September 12th, 2008 at 8:44 pm | Report this comment
‘I don’t want to bump into an old colleague that I hate’

Comment:

Has the world in the UK and the FT come down to the rather weak and pathetic comments of someone worried about a bully (as an intelligent adult!) in relation to their child going to the same school as the alleged bully’s child.

Oh dear.

Why not go up to the bully and say, ‘Hi. I hope the same tactics you used will not re-appear from your child to mine’.

If so, you have me to contend with.

Imagine if your child forms an open and productive relationship with your child.

I ought to mention this to the Head Master/Mistress don’t you think.

Meritocracy, equality, level playing field and all that…

And beware, we are now equal here’.

Assuming, of course the writer can genuinely stand up and prove the ‘bullying’!!

Are we to sanitise our children from our own inability to stand up for ourselves?

Or should we have a Government Department of that too!!

I loved the comment ‘focussing on theoretical future events’ (aka can you deal with my tricky stuff and the ‘don’t get mad get even’ dinner invitation to the Headmaster.

What goes around comes a round. Take action. Stop wasting the FT’s time!!

PS How did they get the job as a banker? Or are they a protected species too? Based on Northern Rock, Fanny Mae et al it would appear so.

PPS Remind me to faciliate my children’s career into banking! I don’t think so. Life is about being alive, feeling stuff and doing it. Excitement, not sanitation from reality and controlled outcomes. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Posted by: Parent, still 2 girls | September 12th, 2008 at 8:50 pm | Report this comment
Bullies are not bullies outside their safe work environment where nobody knows they’re an MD and where you can smack them. And you got the settlement and he cost the company money, so what’s your problem?
Posted by: SpongeBob | September 12th, 2008 at 10:58 pm | Report this comment
My sympathy to you for having to put up with an idiot like this. Bullying is not part of the way business is done, even hardball business. Looking at your situation, I think you should try to remember that a) you landed some kind of blow to his career if your old company had to settle with you, so that is a victory and b) presumably you are a happier person now, while he is still a small little man. Rub that in his face. Don’t back down and don’t give hiom any satisfaction. Also, you might think about seeing a therapist about this. You will likely find it more useful that advice from punters like us. Finally, if he fights a proxy battle via your son, then there is nothin you can do to him that is extreme enough. Unleash as much pain as possible. Good luck and remember - you have already won.
Posted by: Derwin | September 13th, 2008 at 3:09 am | Report this comment
Go about your business and ignore him. If he gives you a hard time, I suggest a swift kick to his crotch.
Posted by: Jurgen Ponti | September 13th, 2008 at 5:30 am | Report this comment
Let’s remember that you played hardball too by extracting a settlement so he may be shying off too.

I am in a similar situation with my son and a schoolmate’s father, who is a lawyer from whom I accepted a settlement so he could avoid protracted legal action. In effect, he bought the delay that I had pro-actively put in his way. I think that lawyers are fair game for this and should not complain.

By his coughing and spluttering during a parent’s introduction evening, a teacher became aware of this and the administration has ever since kept our sons in different houses and quite separate in every way.

It is a very common situation.
Posted by: tomansoc | September 13th, 2008 at 6:41 am | Report this comment
There is a good chance that most of the posters are right, but rather than repeating the same again, I am going to throw out a new idea. By the way, I was amused by the guy who said “I wrote my response then read the others” - why not read the others first and see if you have anything new to add?

The other possibility which occurs to me is that maybe the emotions she is suffering from are “guilt” and “embarrassment”. My understanding is that if you sue (or by extension get a settlement under threat of legal action) then you need to be able to quantify damages - such as for loss of earnings. There are only losses of earnings if there is no other company that would be willing to pay you the same for the same job, meaning you have been mistakenly promoted to a position above your capabilities. It is easy to see why someone in that position might take the legal action route as a way out, and would feel guilty about the person who was the target of their complaints.

Bullying is completely normal in business. Last week I had an unexpected visit from a client who wanted me to cut prices. This week I am expecting a bullying standard letter threatening legal action from a supplier I haven’t paid on time. What would you do if your workers went on strike, or your biggest client got 3 months behind with their payments? Sue them for hurt feelings? There is a reason why, when appraised of the facts of the case, the company decided to settle with you and keep the other manager rather than keep you and fire the other manager.

That’s why your exploitation of the stupid legal system (and people’s fear of it) is morally the same as stealing and why you feel guilty.

Perhaps.
Posted by: Samec, 30 | September 13th, 2008 at 8:33 am | Report this comment
The best revenge is to be happy. You are unlikey to find yourself in the same room as this man except at functions where there are a lot of others present and it will be easy to avoid him. If you are put in a situation where contact is unavoidable pretend not to recognise him and have an animated conversation with someone else. If cornered say “Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t recogise you - you.ve put on so much weight/lost so much hair/ are so much older - delete as applicable. Then smile sweetly and move on.
Don’t involve your son and I wouldn’t involve the school either unless there are hereditary tendencies in the son.
Life is full of bullies and bitches - you have to learn to ignore them.
Carole Retired Advertising consultant 62
Posted by: carole | September 13th, 2008 at 1:52 pm | Report this comment
I don’t subscribe to the sanctimonious answers here. Your day of revenge will come. Just wait patiently for it. You’ll know when to strike. If you were the one at fault, however, but unable to see that, then that is another matter and could well be the reason why you fear him.
Posted by: Once again | September 13th, 2008 at 2:33 pm | Report this comment
This is what I would do:
I would first forgive myself for allowing this jerk to control my emotions and then forgive him for what he did. This will help me stop wasting my time thinking about him and help me realize how unimportant he really is to me now. If I encounter him again, I would politely say hello and immediately go about my business. That is all the time I would give him, and all that he deserves. Disengage and move on.
There will be a time to share your experiences and “lessons learned” with your son. They will make him better able to confront bullies.

Walt,62, prop. trader
Posted by: walt | September 13th, 2008 at 7:25 pm | Report this comment
I can relate to your fear and disgust.
I was badly bullied by a psychopatic colleague, who had complete support of our equally psychopatic boss, and have to leave a company where I had worked for 15 years.This person “killed” at least 3 people who worked with her. After a legal process for moral harassment (I won), I left the company and got a much better and happier job. But the emotional scar stayed there for quite a while. It is important to raise above that. If you meet this man, be polite and brief. There is no use in seeking revenge, it will only prolong the healing process.
Do not allow your negative emotions interfere with your son’s life at school. If he becomes friends with the bullier’s son, so be it. The other boy is not guilty of his father’s sin.
Posted by: dede, 51, female, MD | September 13th, 2008 at 9:32 pm | Report this comment
You need not smear or do anything harmful, as some have recommended. If anyone should be embarrassed about the eventual meeting, it is he, not you. Let him wallow there.
Simon, male, 57, lawyer
Posted by: Simon Potter | September 13th, 2008 at 10:18 pm | Report this comment
Loads of useless comments on this blog in relation to this question. This is another aspect of the “glass ceiling” women cry about. I’m sick of it. It’s a question posted by a cowardly woman. Everyone has a right to live and move about conducting their business. The first mistake you made was quitting your job. Now you’re about to cower again. I read in the WSJ that when Thatcher took her cabinet out for supper that the waiter asked what she would have and she said “beef”. The waiter then said,”and the vegetables” and she said, “They’re having beef too.” WSJ Peggy Noonan admits this may not be a true story but the point is made. The point here, neither aggression or passivity will do. You merely need to be assertive. From a bloke on this side of the pond that grew in Patrick Henry’s county, give me liberty is no less relevant today so stop being a coward under the guise of “victim”!! There’s room for everybody in this world.
Posted by: Allistar | September 14th, 2008 at 3:01 pm | Report this comment
How old is your son? When i was 8 i knew already who were the “enemies” of my parents, and made sure not to mingle with their children, not because my parents said so but because I felt I had to pay more attention and in fact such children seem to me (and actually were) quite not nice ether. If your kid is smart, he will understand.
If your son though is 3 yrs old, then you can ask for a different class (but you know how things are: he might get to know this in the future) or try to be superior and think that you settled very well with your previous company and he is the one that still has to digest it. If you really don’t want to see him ever ever, you need to move the son to a different school.
Holly, 31, female, banker
Posted by: Holly | September 14th, 2008 at 6:40 pm | Report this comment
Remember that the tables will be turned. You are now in the strongest position possible. This piece of dirt will be more scared of you than you realise. He has zero power over you now you no longer work with him yet you can always “out” him at a time of your choosing - until he leaves this mortal coil.

This happened for me some time after a bullying, egotistical, sexist manager made me redundant because I was the biggest threat internally, approached my company for a job. It was an enormous pleasure to spare my employers the pain of taking him on in any capacity.

You have the power.
Be strong.
Posted by: Dave, 40, managing director, male | September 15th, 2008 at 8:35 am | Report this comment
I would be interested to know if the two emotionally well-adjusted people at the heart og this problem are also products of self-declared “top schools”.

I don’t agree with the guy who suggests that the only choice is between such a school and a rough comprehensive. There is a whole range of schools in the middle.
Posted by: Samec, 30 | September 15th, 2008 at 2:37 pm | Report this comment
If you are a Managing Director in a bank now(any bank)dont you have bigger problems to contend with in life - bigger than avoiding unpleasant ex-colleagues ? Without being offensive, may I suggest that you step back and put things in perspective, in their right shape and size.
Posted by: out of the box, 44 | September 16th, 2008 at 4:51 am | Report this comment
You are scared to death because of the thought of someone who is not stronger than you - that rings a bell… a once painful bell.

The world is full of nice and mean people, better the devil you know… There are probably parents who are much, much worse than the poor, weak fellow who seems to scare you like a ghost. Which only happens because you let it happen, sometimes because of a mental association you make, unconsciously or not.

You have showed the guy that you are stronger than him and he knows it. The battle was won already. No need to come back to that. Leave him in peace.

Could you ask yourself “why does the sight of his name make me feel sick?”. Maybe he symbolizes something that really traumatized you? You say he was a bully? Were you bullied before in your life? Who by? A husband? A father? A brother? A lover? What happened? How did you separate from each other? Did you acknowldege it? How did you leave it? etc.

You may need to dig a little deeper. Some people can help you dig (a good doctor for instance) and close an old chapter.
Posted by: coco, 36, male, COO | September 16th, 2008 at 1:05 pm | Report this comment
Chances are that the that fellow has been wondering about the size of your settlement with the the firm, turning green with envy with any reminder of you. So, enjoy your child’s school year and have fun.
Posted by: Yelena, 42, lawyer | September 17th, 2008 at 4:09 am | Report this comment
It seems to me that it falls to you to deal with your own demons and to stop looking for excuses to be a victim.
At a basic level, you should act professionally, smile, be positive and be polite. In business you do not have to like your clients or contacts, but you do rely on them liking you.
At worst, this will disorientate your former colleague, at best, it will open up new networks of business and social contacts for you.
You must focus on the future, for you and your child and accept that the woman and mother you are is a product of your past experiences. You have been tested; you survived. Now move forward with greater strength.
A65Bill, Business Adviser, 57
Posted by: A65Bill | September 17th, 2008 at 2:01 pm | Report this comment
Samec,
It is unwise to assume you know other posters’ data before checking. I did NOT say or imply that the only choice was between a “Top” school and a “rough comprehensive”. I refused to let my son go to the local “rough comprehensive”: not because it was rough but because its pupils’ average SATS score at age 14 was marginally below his at age 7 so it could not be classed as appropriate under the Education Act. I sent him to the ex-grammar school in the next town which claimed to care about gifted children as well as those with Special Educational Needs (and some of the teachers did). This is, or should be, at the top end of non-selective schools. There is also a range of private sector schools that are not “top” which are safer than state schools.
Incidentally I started school in a state primary school in a Scots mining village - you don’t get much rougher than that - but they liked the fact I could do sums (I did have to fight but not because of that). Things have changed and your experience nearly twenty years ago may be just as out-of-date as mine.
Also, why do you think that a letter asking for an overdue payment is bullying? One of the most frequent reasons for a small business being put into receivership is non-payment by its customers who could afford to pay. Alliance Boots treatment of its suppliers is bullying, sending round the bailiffs when you failed to pay on time could be bullying, it seems to me that sending you a letter is trying to collect what you have withheld from them in breach of contract without an actual fight.
John, 62, male, consultant
Posted by: John | September 17th, 2008 at 6:10 pm | Report this comment
Hi John, I agree with what you say about paying on time. I didn’t get the letter but I did pay the supplier anyway this week, I had been waiting on a payment from my own client which had come through. I would love to see a system like in Australia where (so I have heard) it is illegal not to pay an invoice on time - if everyone (or even most people) paid me on time I wouldn’t ever be late with any of the invoices I have to pay, this kind of situation comes up in small business because it’s impossible to predict what money is coming in on a short term basis. But, such letters, if not bullying could be seen as “playing hardball” if they threaten legal action unless payment is made immediately, and could upset a sensitive soul. I still think that if the person writing in with the problem lets themselves get pushed around by someone with whom they are acting as co-manager, then they might not be strong enough for a management role.

I disagree with what you say about the school. I wasn’t extending my personal experience to your situation, more objecting to your extending of your personal experience to the poster’s situation. What schools are available in a given town is of course a limited subset of the full range so the poster may have the clear choice you describe or may not.

I am from a small town, so although I went to a comprehensive there wasn’t some “other school” the best pupils were going to. I was protected not because society has changed in the last 14 years (it hasn’t), but because each year of the school was divided into seven streams so we swots were all together.

Of course it’s not clear from the post if this is a top school in the sense of whether “top marks” or merely “top dollar” is the requirement for entry.
Posted by: Samec, 30 | September 17th, 2008 at 7:20 pm | Report this comment
Hi Samec,
Seems I misinterpreted your first post, so apologies. I have one client that occasionally used to, and very occasionally still does, struggle when some of its (much bigger) customers didn’t pay on time so I only chase it if I have problems because a chunky VAT or tax payment is due but in consequence I also get annoyed by deliberate late payment (e.g. GEC under Weinstock and BTR under Owen Green).
However I was not extrapolating from my personal experience of school but from a much larger pool: the boys who attended my local branch of the National Association of Gifted Children (some of the girls also got bullied but less so as a lot of girls’ bullying is verbal and the bright kids could often hold their own in a verbal spat). [My experience is irrelevant: I was/am below average size and at every school I attended a few boys tried to bully me; in due course they all gave up, and so did (more quickly) those who bullied my pacifist friend. Under modern rules I should have been suspended for hitting back when attacked by a (gang of) thug(s) because bullies can supply two lying witnesses for every honest witness for the victim.]
As far as I can tell, all the top schools, except Holland Park Comprehensive, now have entry dependent on selection upon academic grounds. Hence my comment.
Society HAS changed in the last 14 years: under New Labour the rich have got richer and the poor have got poorer but the general public have become less sympathetic to the poor because they assume that under a Labour government the government will look after those in need. In education the control freaks are harassing the teachers to pull all those just short of the benchmarks up to meet them and neglect all those at the top and the bottom of the spectrum (try reading the latest changes in the funding rules for special educational needs that weight it towards schools with children who fall one level below the norm in SATS rather than two levels that might indicate a special educational need). The only people who have a vested interest in getting the best performance out of gifted children are those who are selling themselves to bankers etc on the basis of their getting children into Oxbridge or Ivy League universities.
PS I was never a swot
John 62 male consultant
Posted by: John | September 17th, 2008 at 9:35 pm | Report this comment
The economic world is going to hell and you are worried about running into some twit who did you the dirty? Pray the job you have now will be with you tomorrow and the years to come. Pray that your nemesis will get the axe and come crawling to you, asking for help in finding a job. Ah, that were Paradise enow.
Posted by: Wes Pedersen | September 17th, 2008 at 10:42 pm | Report this comment
I have been in a similar situation, living near to an ex-colleague who had been a nightmare to deal with at work and contributed to me being fired in the last downturn. I confess that I hated him for a long time and would cross the street to avoid him if I saw him.

Eventually I came to realise that my attitude was only harming myself. That kind of fear/hatred is self-debilitating and does not impact the perpetrator, who may not even be aware of their effect on you. I decided to move on, forgive and forget. I am much happier as a result. When I see him I now make sure to go over and say hello, ask about his family etc. As an aside, I think this discomfits him rather, but I don’t do it for this reason, but for my own sanity.

I advise you to do the same. Make a decision to rise above it and stick to it. Talk to him if and when you need to like a sane human being and you will become one again.
Posted by: James, banker, 40s | September 18th, 2008 at 11:53 am | Report this comment