My son has just started at a top school and to my horror I see from the address list that he is in the same class as the son of a man whose incessant bullying forced me to leave a job I loved. We were co-managing directors and the sight of his name still makes me feel sick. He was in trouble when I left as the company was forced to settle with me. I cannot face the thought of bumping into him in the playground or at a parents’ evening. Should I confront him? Tell other parents? Do I have to become an absent mother and detach myself from my son’s education? Do I tell my son to keep his distance? What if they become the best of friends? I could not bear it.

Banker, female, 40

Lucy’s Answer

The answers to your questions are No, No and No. Don’t confront him, as what would you say – “I still hate you, you beastly bully, and I’m telling you right now that your son isn’t invited to any of my son’s parties”? Don’t tell other parents, as you would only sound mad and bitter. And they do not need to be warned against him as he is most unlikely to start bullying stray parents at school functions. Above all, don’t tell your son. He needs to decide which of the other boys he likes without heavy breathing from you.

Comfort yourself with the thought that banking executives have rather a lot on their plates at the moment so are not likely to be taking their sons to school and even less likely to be hanging around the school gates for a gossip. Unless they have just been fired, that is.

Either way, you need to put what happened in the past. He isn’t bullying you any more. You left the company and he got into trouble, so he will want to avoid you even more keenly than you want to avoid him.

You may have to endure the sight of him at parents’ evenings, but there will be lots of other people there for you to duck behind. If you do come face to face with him, give an icy smile, say hello and congratulate yourself on being so dignified.

If the thought of doing that leaves you feeling too sick, you may need a bit of cognitive behaviour therapy to get the requisite distance from the blighter.

There is a danger that his son will become friends with yours, but more likely he will report that the boy is a knobhead. In
that case you can take great pleasure in saying airily that you aren’t surprised: the father is a cad, too.

September 11, 2008 5:52am in Dear Lucy | Comment