FT.com | Dear Lucy | ‘My husband has just lost his job on Wall Street’

‘My husband has just lost his job on Wall Street’

September 18, 2008

My husband has just lost his job on Wall Street. When he was in work he was impossible, living on the adrenaline of deal making. Now he loafs around the house, sullen, full of self-pity and criticising everything the children or I do. I have spent years living with his oversized ego, but now his ego has collapsed it is even worse. Is there anything I can do? Should I pretend to be sympathetic? Or shall I tell him to suck it up and be grateful that we are not under any financial pressure? I’m not going to divorce him, because of the children, but I would like to know: do damaged Masters of the Universe ever recover?
Wife, 42

Lucy’s Answer

Your problem has brought on such an outpouring of bile on FT.com that I strongly urge you not to look. According to readers, you are a chilly, go-getting cow in need of therapy. Your husband has toiled hard to keep you in designer frocks and needs your support; you are a sociopath for not providing it.

Maybe I’m a sociopath too, but I don’t see it like that. Wall Street jobs can gobble up a man’s life and soul (assuming there was one there in the first place) leaving him with nothing when the job ceases to be. I can imagine that a hyped-up, absent husband was not ideal, but that an angry, present one is even less so.

Should you pretend to be sympathetic? No, you shouldn’t. Former Masters of the Universe don’t like sympathy, especially if they sense it is false. But neither should you tell him to “suck it up”, as that would be unnecessarily unpleasant.

Instead, I suggest forbearance and patience.

His world has come crumbling down and while you can’t pick it up for him, you can provide continuity by being exactly as before. Don’t make allowances. Don’t patronise him. If he is being horrible to the children, tell him off – and tell them that he doesn’t mean it.

I suggest you make no attempt to manage his time, but manage your own to make the new circumstances easier for you. Take yourself off to the gym, if it gets you away from his sharp tongue for a bit.

As to whether MoUs recover, that depends on their mettle.

You may find that your husband is chastened by the experience of unemployment and becomes someone more to your liking.

More likely he will find another high-pressure job in time, and then you will find him just as hyped up and just as absent as before.

September 18th, 2008 in Uncategorised | Permalink

113 Responses to “‘My husband has just lost his job on Wall Street’”

Comments

He is so critical because he is not feeling good about himself! What is worse for a man than to see his ego hurt?

If you leave him, he will be a mess. You should make him appreciate your presence - the best way to do that is to leave and spend less time with him. The little time that you spend with him should be of excellent quality.

Pursue your activities and ignore him when you are in the house, but when you decide to talk to him, make it the talk that will help him feel better (i.e. listen to him and tell him he’s great).

Then his ego will realize that he needs you and the Master of the Universe will be your servant and beg your emotional support.
Posted by: Sarah | September 18th, 2008 at 2:32 am | Report this comment
Some people recover from these things, and some don’t. If he puts in 100% effort, which may include some heavy duty rest and a regular schedule, then maybe. It really depends if he is able to put his work down for a while. Perhaps, a few years of trying something new.
Posted by: craig | September 18th, 2008 at 2:36 am | Report this comment
First off, the man goes down and you “are not going to divorce him” … what? You are a self centered person of whom needs some help. Get yours 1st and then it will be a lot easier to help him. With reference to “recovery” … time passes and so will this with the support of his family just being there and attempting to understand his frustrations. He is lashing out at who? The only ones that are close enough to understand.

Maybe he does’t know how to ask for help as he has never depended on anyone but himself.

Good luck … and maybe a divorce is a good idea; you don’t stay in a relationship “for the kids”
Posted by: Norman D. Goldstein | September 18th, 2008 at 3:01 am | Report this comment
Suggest he go on line and go to an introduction to the Landmark Forum with him.

He will have the opportunity to choose an area of his life that is not working and to create a new possibility for how he is being in relation to it or others.

It won’t cost anything. If he sees something, then he may transform all of this through his registration into the forum.

We all have circumstances. It is not what our circumstances are in life, as you know. It is how we are being in regard to them that allows us to live the dream.

Hope this is helpful. As a disclaimer, I don’t work for Landmark Education LLC. From experience however I know it is possible to transform all of what you expressed in the three days and an evening.
Posted by: Tom Norman | September 18th, 2008 at 3:15 am | Report this comment
Tom, 62, male, business owner. Option trader.
Posted by: Tom Norman | September 18th, 2008 at 3:19 am | Report this comment
Its a shame to hear that your husband lost his job with the slumping economy, but its not uncommon for a male to experience sometype of depression after loosing a job. Right now he is under a great deal of stress being out of a job, and the longer he is not working, his “ego” will also depleat becuase he will feel he can not provide for his family. Soon he could possibly sink into a state of depression, if not already, so my best advice to you is to stay by his side. He is going through probably one of the hardest times in his life, and it would only make it harder if you put more stress on him with the idea of divorce. I would consider some type of marriage counciling to attend, and most importantly if his mood is getting worse and worse, take him to see a doctor to get help, becuase un-treated depression could possibly lead to suicide. Also stay positive with him no matter how angry he may be. Keep your ground though and don’t let him get to your self-esteem before he ruins you and the children. I know it must be hard for the whole family, but please stay by his side, and most importantly don’t put unnessasary stress on the kids. God Bless and may peace be with you and your family.
Posted by: Dr. Anthony Cipriani | September 18th, 2008 at 3:29 am | Report this comment
Its the same old thing isnt it. You women have no sense of others peoples feelings. You dont understand that your marriage vows included For better or for worse, for rich or for poor, ect.
Youre just pissed because your special little space is being invaded and you dont know how to deal with it. Does it take so little a circumstance for a woman to contemplate divorce? What about loyalty and Love? Take a look outside your own little bubble of existance and stop looking for sympathy. Try giving a little understanding and sympathy to your husband. The world does not revolve around you.
Posted by: noshame | September 18th, 2008 at 3:31 am | Report this comment
Tell him to suck it up. You should both be fantastically greatful that you aren’t under financial pressure, anything less is completely indulgent. Take six full months to travel in a very immersive way, as what MoU needs is a complete change of reference. It needs to be long and needs to be far. And of course, it doesn’t need a blackberry. He will come back either totally refreshed and ready to start looking for a new finance role or have the perspective to do something new.
Posted by: BeenThere | September 18th, 2008 at 5:02 am | Report this comment
You are not divorcing him because of the children. Am I watching one of those B movies of 50s? I am assuming your husband is loaded. So why don’t you get a good divorce lawyer and try to live a fabulous life with your childen and possibly a young hunk.

Masahiro Male 45 Banker
Posted by: Masahiro | September 18th, 2008 at 5:20 am | Report this comment
He may be loaded but if he has any comon sense (possibly not if he married a woman who thinks the world revolves around her) and any financial sense (possibly not if he has recently been working on Wall Street) then the real money will be very well hidden.

What noshame says is completely true and very tragic. A relationship is often seen as a product produced by a man and consumed by a woman - that’s why people always think he is to blame if things go wrong and never look at her faults.
Posted by: Samec, 30 | September 18th, 2008 at 6:53 am | Report this comment
One of the worst things about the financial services industry is that many successful people are so consumed by it that they forget who they are. Their job description becomes part of their self-identity. Take away the job (through retirement or redundancy) and they lose a large piece of themselves. Throughout their career they defined themselves by what was written on their business card, and suddenly they lose that point of reference - and almost literally lose themselves.

I would suggest that you help him to rediscover who he is, what is important to him (which hopefully includes you) and what he enjoys doing in the spare time that he never had before but that he now has in abundance. Help him find a new mission in life. That could be starting a new business, improving his golf handicap, working for charity or taking an academic course. It doesn’t matter what it is. People who work on Wall St. are very driven and need a challenge in order to thrive.
Posted by: Anthony, Banker, 44 | September 18th, 2008 at 7:13 am | Report this comment
Treat him at home like he treated the rare women in the trading room…Invite your female friends for a male bashing tea party, throw him sexist remarks when he showers, walks by you… Treat him like a toy boy since he is no longer the bread winner and is dependent on you. Tell him how inadequate he is with raising children and cooking and that his place should be out of the house.
Name him a fat pig for being a couch potatoe and make derogatory remarks for his pot belly and flirt outrageously with the gardener (at least he has the job this one)
Posted by: the constant gardener | September 18th, 2008 at 9:58 am | Report this comment
First he loses his job, which was clearly the source of his self image and personal power, then he discovers that his wife is a viper who is only in it for the money. Why “pretend” to be sympathetic? Is it because you are a vicious sociopath with no sense of others’ suffering? I’m not surprised he spends all day criticising you. The best way for your husband to “recover” is for you to see a psychologist. Sadly, someone like you is more likely to kick a man when he’s down and play the twisted power games suggested by Sarah.
Posted by: Richard, analyst, 37 | September 18th, 2008 at 10:02 am | Report this comment
That’s a typical man. Something happens to them and they are so hurt, but we must go through everything without complaining. Exactly like my ex-boyfriend, who dumped me because many problems fell on my shoulders at once and he wasn’t able to support me, because he is a very busy business man. On the other hand you are married with children. It means there is something that is important for both of you. Let him get the anger out of his lungs and don’t take anything he sais personally. When calmed down, try to support him, tell him you’ll go through this and show him you stand by his side no matter what. I think it would be silly to divorce him just because of this.
Posted by: Ivana | September 18th, 2008 at 10:20 am | Report this comment
Well darling you are 42. Lets face it doesn’t sound like you love the guy. You don’t sound like you are weighed down by too much of a sympathetic nature so sod the kids as well as him. Get out while there is still some money left as he may never get a job again. You need to catch yourself another bread winner as it doesn’t sound like you are working so at your age, with the competition out there, you will need all the cash you can get your hands on to keep yourself in spouse of a high earner game.
Posted by: maria | September 18th, 2008 at 10:23 am | Report this comment
Think to do that help is to follow some kind of religion that goes beyond daily need and get back to the essential . Wall street is on only an illusion , no one knows what he /she is doing (who is the looser or winner). Travel (but really travel not just stop in a hotel) to different part of continents like africa even relatively well being country such Tunisia, Marocco or Egypt and learn what is economic depression .People are depression since ages. This will gives you an idea what is life.
Posted by: Mondher Hafsi | September 18th, 2008 at 10:26 am | Report this comment
Marriage is a partnership and it sounds as though you are capitulating at the first sign of bad weather. How interesting that you mention him having an oversized ego when the going was good. What prevented you from tackling the problem previously?
I suspect that this is a wind up. If not, may I suggest you look to your own faults first. You ask whether you should “pretend” to be sympathetic to your husbands’ woes. Of course not. You shouldn’t need to pretend. You sound contemptuous whereas it is your sentiments which are, in fact contemptible.
I pity your children. You shouldn’t use them as an excuse for staying married to a person you loathe, whether through faults of his own making, or your own apparent vacuosity - which will rub off on them.
Marriage is a partnership. It is you who needs to “suck it up”, as you put it. You have two choices: get stuck in and man the pumps, or abandon ship.
Posted by: nick | September 18th, 2008 at 10:28 am | Report this comment
nicola, 28, female, lawyer
Posted by: nick | September 18th, 2008 at 10:29 am | Report this comment
He may be more grumpy now and less fun to be with currently, but treat him with compassion here. I think the real solution is for him to consider some meaningful activities such as: search for a learning course perhaps (e.g. MBA, a related business course say mergers and acquistions or perhaps something different like a language), search for new job obviously, consider opportunities in another country if it suits - perhaps Asia, and also other finance areas. I certainly recommend some exercise such as jogging. Perhaps even charity work for example, that can feel enormously rewarding, but obviously it doesn’t pay. I imagine it helps if he feels he has thought of the ideas himself too rather than you say pushing him into them.
Posted by: TT (male) | September 18th, 2008 at 10:30 am | Report this comment
This is a perfect time for him to start his own business. if he’s used to succeeding and loves a challenge. Tell him now is the time to step up to the plate and and take the greatest challenge he’s ever made. Be truly successful and work for himself.

It dosn’t sound like your struggling financially so there isn’t a huge risk and it will focus his mind.

Tom, 62, male, business owner. Option trader is a perfect example
Posted by: Chris S | September 18th, 2008 at 10:30 am | Report this comment
Grin and bear it dear! After all, he did provide you with the dosh required to lead the life of a yummy mummy, so why bite the hand that fed you? Unless of course you find an alternative provider. Hurry up though, you’re not getting younger and there are plenty of svelte Svetlanas and Olgas out there you have to compete with!
Michael, 50, male, former Banker
Posted by: Michael | September 18th, 2008 at 10:31 am | Report this comment
He should divorce you for being so inconsiderate, he’d be better off. He’s lost his job and feeling down and needs some time to recover and you’re already ‘casually’ considering divorce.? Is that all it takes? Does you marriage matter so little to you.
Posted by: Eddie | September 18th, 2008 at 10:37 am | Report this comment
Every dark cloud is lined with an opportunity - and what a wonderful one you now have!

Here is what you can do:
Tell your husband how unbearable he has become after losing his job. Confess how you have been putting up with him all these years - just for the sake of the children and his money. And now since he has lost his job, you cannot bear it.

File for a divorce. If you are lucky, you will get most of his millions, the house, his car, golf clubs and ipod. Be generous with his knickers.

Then line up for a younger sucker from the new dot-com or biotech industry. These are going to be hot. Hopefully a great investment and pension payout.

Meantime, your husband may descend into deeper depression, total maddness and die of stress -or better still, comit suicide.
In which case, make sure you are entiled to his estate.

You have nothing to lose - except a jobless husband.

MaMamia! What a unique opportunity!!
Posted by: The Walrus | September 18th, 2008 at 10:43 am | Report this comment
Sorry, fellas but wife no need psychologist because she acknowledge that husband is behaving like a bad grumpy looser - duh!
However,fellow sister, “pretending to be sympathetic” isn’t helping him or you either. You had better be so from all your heart - because despite all - he deserves it.
First:If his behaviour is damaging to your kids and you, you had better give him a big hug and explain that to him - kindly -and both find a way to get out of it. I’m sure he adores the kids and that’s the last thing he’d want.
Second: He was the guy to go out and kill mammoths? Then tell him to do so. There’s a Tyrannosaurus Rex waiting to be cleared out of the garage.
Apart from some sexist mud-slinging above there’s some really good advice. Heed it! And don’t go around feeling sorry for yourself either. Hey, there’s a frontier out there!
Posted by: chris, wife, 47 | September 18th, 2008 at 10:54 am | Report this comment
After years operating parrellel to each other because of your husband’s career you have become unaccustomed to life at close quarters. So it must all be quite a shock to the system for both of you as well as the children.

I am not surprised that you are not welcoming him with open arms because it is natural for you to feel protective of your current lifestyle and ignore him. That is normal because when this is all over he will probably go straight back to work at 200%! But as you correctly state this can not go on.

In the near term throwing sympathy at the man may not go down well because he may feel like that is a sure sign he has reached an all-time low! Why does he need sympathy? I agree with you on that. When he is critical, he is behaving like an outsider. It is time to get him more involved with family life.

Thinking long term, life has presented an opportunity to you to rediscover your marriage and your partnership during these times, and is that such a bad thing?
Posted by: Alexander Simpson | September 18th, 2008 at 10:56 am | Report this comment
It sounds like this is someone you should keep your kids away from! Otherwise, they will turn out to be egotistical blowhards as well.

Sometimes divorce is the best of a series of bad potential outcomes.
Posted by: Dave the American | September 18th, 2008 at 11:03 am | Report this comment
Adversity offers the perfect opportunity for you to both grow up. Get or keep physically fit, work out your own demons, and then build a better marriage as a way to show your children how to be happy without extreme self-centredness. As someone who counsels young women, I suspect the young hulk alternative will be even more emotionally illiterate than your husband and less likely to change. I just went to a birthday party in which all the sixties survivors were still with their original partners, often after rough patches: but running away from rough patches is not the best solution. Only consider if he turns abusive.
Posted by: Ed, male, 60, writer | September 18th, 2008 at 11:06 am | Report this comment
You’ve got to be kidding. I thought masters of the universe knew how to live and die by the sword. Of course he’s down — it’s to be expected for anyone who structures his or her life around an activity and then watches it fall apart. But what is hard to believe is that he — and you — did not see this coming and psychologically prepare for it. His ego has collapsed? Why on earth did anyone let him supersize it in the first place?

I’ll try to limit my griping about the excesses of the wall street and city boys to this: feel happy you aren’t one of the millions of people whose lives will soon be crushed by the economic tsunami that is about to crash on our shores. And let’s be clear that this disaster, in which poor regular folk are losing their jobs and homes and watching their families ripped apart, is a direct result of people like your husband receiving millions in bonuses for making huge, stupid bets with other people’s cash and wrecking the global economy.

But what’s done is done, and at this point it’s useless to blame individuals who themselves are feeling the pain of the system falling apart. The way forward? Both of you need to find out who you really are. Your husband needs to strip away his ego and the psychological blinders that his job saddled him with. Both of you together need to strip away the ideas that you are defined by your possessions and social relationships.

Take a few minutes to imagine this scenario and think it through: You and your family are standing on a sidewalk in a foreign city. You have no money, no jobs, no friends or extended family — only the clothes on your backs. Who are you? What do you do next? If you can answer that question, you can work together to happy fulfilling lives. And that’s the point, right?

I wish you luck.
Posted by: Mike | September 18th, 2008 at 11:10 am | Report this comment
Although I oppose the notion that money buys everything and believe that anyone should behave decently despite their wealth, I find it disgraceful that the “wife” and half the people commenting here have complete disregard for the years of effort and committment it took to earn the money.
Dear wife, you did know what to expect when you were marrying him and you took his money all this time without any second thoughts and now that it’s time to support him and repay the favour you start whining how “life is hard”. Well, it may come as a surprise to you but it is.
My suggestion would be to find him a new goal or purpose - getting fit and healthy is one option, playing Texas Hold’em could be another, I’ll let you decide what could be suitable for him. It may be difficult convincing him at first, but people with his mentality usually get strongly committed once they get into it.
Posted by: Dmitry | September 18th, 2008 at 11:17 am | Report this comment
well, well, well, poor little darling : not him, you!

1 shock and the boat is close to topsize : gone with all hands, husband, kids, marriage and their likes.

quite hollow, quite fragile, quite futile.

just add one little thing that has been absolutely absent from your lives, his, yours, your common life : RESPECT.

I do not feel sorry for you two : I feel sorry for the kids having parents like that.
Posted by: Harry, 60, male, business development, father of 3 and grandfather of 4 | September 18th, 2008 at 11:22 am | Report this comment
Yes, ex-masters of the universe recover. Usually, quite well. Very often, they re-assess priorities and change a few things dramatically. Now, with that attitude, it might happen you will be part of the change.

Forget the idea of him creating his business: to do so, he would need a supportive spouse.

My ex-wife had your reaction a few years ago. As soon as I was made redundant, she suddenly felt beautiful by the prospect of an affair rather than by my eyes, she felt threatened although we had no financial difficulty foreseeable for many years, she thought of divorce… Once I found a new top job, she was all happy again, reassured she could keep buying her luxury clothes while having me paying for her taxes on top of mine… Once I was reconstructed, by myself, she had difficulty understanding why I divorced her! Did I forget to mention she had her prestigious job after I funded her studies?

If you really think divorce, then have the courage to go through it now instead of pitying yourself while accusing him of self-pity (be decent enough to divorce now, instead of waiting for the man to have a new job so you can claim more of lost future opportunity).
If the divorce idea simply came out wrong, then just make sure he gets medical attention if he needs some (depression); otherwise just let him adjust. And yes, it will take some time… but very propbably less than the time you already enjoyed when he was the one providing. Let’s be straight: if you liked being supported, be fair enough to support when the luck turns. If he needs time to find ideas of what he might do next, give him the time. Suggestions will easily be counter-productive if not asked for.
Posted by: Denis | September 18th, 2008 at 11:24 am | Report this comment
Do him a favour: Tell him to go to the gym. I mean gym (not the golf course)
If he has been living the banker’s life, I guess he must be pretty out of shape.

Here is 6 reasons why: 1) It will get him out of the house and out of your way 2) He will workout his anger on the threadmill instead of your familly 3) He will regain his self confidence has his fitness improves 4) Classes will structure his day. Nothing is worse than an empty schedule 5) Exercising liberates endorphine in your brain that makes people happy 6)You may end-up with the trim, fit, nice husband you married in the first place
Posted by: Julien | September 18th, 2008 at 11:25 am | Report this comment
So no critical remarks on here at all. At the end of the day he had a job that amounted to a huge amount of stress and reward daily. You are at home I take it, running a house, taking care of the kids and also keeping things the way he likes it… a Corporate Wife. Which is no mean feat. I’ve seen this a lot. Dressing, behaving and ‘being’ a certain way. It can be quite smothering.
However life throws curve balls.
You both have some adjusting to do. He has to learn to adjust to not being the be all and end all, and to think about finding a job again where he will find the same sense of purpose.
You have to learn to live with how he is feeling. He has no sense of purpose right now. Try to adapt to his sense of loss and to give him a feeling of worth at home. Remember that this is not the domain where he feels powerful or useful - and that is what he has been best used to.
You both have to be flexible.
The best thing to do is to talk - after all, that is what marriage is all about.
Posted by: Mel | September 18th, 2008 at 11:27 am | Report this comment
Life is full of bad surprises to all of us: becoming poor (either by losing his wealth or source of revenue, becoming unable (very serious and long illness, dangerous accident, etc.), becoming old and ugly, loosing the beloved ones who we care about us ou care about (children, parents, husband or wife, friends). But we can live up to all these ‘problems sometimes disasters’ BY BEING NICELY PATIENT, NOT SWEARING THE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT HAVE CHANGED. It’s normal that circumstances change. It has being always like this since ALLAH created mankind. I GUARANTEE that the situation of your husband will change for better. He will find another good job very soon. NO ONE CAN PREDICT THAT YOUR HUSBAND FORTUNE IS GONE FOREVER, DO YOU. He seems to be a great talent who has lost his job for reasons that have no relation to his skills and quality.
NO ONE CAN GUARANTEE that if you divorce your husband at this time, that any other man will respect and trust you, not even your own children or family. Think about it. More, your husband will get more love from your children (they dont love their father for his money) and may also neet a woman better than you in all aspects. In sum, you will be the biggest loser.
What can you do? Honestly, you are the last resort for your husband, you need to give him back trust and respect for himself. Tell him how great he is and how the world if still full of good people who ara willing to help. Understand why he shouts at you and the children and explain and do what he says if it is reasonable and fair. Explain to him gently why you disagree if we he says is unreasonable or unfair. Avoid adding to his frustrations and CHOOSE the right moment to do so.
I am saying that because I am sure if such a kinf of situation happens to you, you would like that he behave better than I am suggesting you to do.

May ALLAH help you pass this difficult exam!!
Posted by: Mohammed | September 18th, 2008 at 11:49 am | Report this comment
Your husband needs a project. Get him to walk the last 250 miles of the Camino Santiago in North West Spain (the old catholic pilgrimage)….or some similar short project away from the US. You are probably both at the end of your tether but need to renegotiate everything in your relationship. He could start by realising how lucky he has been (compared with most people in the world) and you both - probably - need to count your blessings and leave the anger behind. This will take time but wisdom lies in avoiding hasty and emotional decisions. A brand new perspective is needed and then (presuming you are both grown up enough to move on) you both need to discover a new direction.
Posted by: Jack Tar | September 18th, 2008 at 12:06 pm | Report this comment
Your husband is completely beyond help. Presumably as a high rolling wall street stooge he has more money than he knows what to do with in 10 lifetimes - things go up they come down, take some distance woman, you have dosh, lovely kids and the rest of your life to enjoy. It’s time to take a break.
Posted by: Porphyry | September 18th, 2008 at 12:13 pm | Report this comment
So your husband gets sacked and becomes a bit mopey around the house and you are considering divorcing him? Very noble to stay with him because of the kids, however. The fact is that you, as a gold-digging social climber have become a prisoner of the society you have hankered for so long. A prisoner of a loveless marriage. I take it you didnt consider divorce in the “good years” when he was at work past midnight but bringing home the bacon.

In short, you do nothing for the status of women in society, let alone the workforce, preserving an unhelpful hunter-gatherer v homemaker dichotomy. Nevertheless, cart your opportunistic, snobby, “loafer” arse down to the divorce courts and take him for all you can

Cant wait for true equality of the sexes….where men can loaf at home looking after a couple of tin lids, watch the tv, play tennis with the fellas, go fishing, go shopping with impunity while the missus is at work “hunting and gathering”. Oooh im getting excited….maybe a maid to do all the cleaning (cleaning is beneth me, you see)…..a (Swedish?) nanny cos I aint that good with kids unfortunately and then off to the divorce courts for half (at least!!)…..HAPPY DAYS!!
Posted by: Supertusker | September 18th, 2008 at 12:35 pm | Report this comment
I tell you what why don’t you get a job? instead of being a useless parasite you can start contributing.
Posted by: ilostmyjobtoo | September 18th, 2008 at 12:37 pm | Report this comment
I can not believe what I am reading. It seems like most of you treat marriage as a business transaction I feel sorry for you. Try and imagine for a second what its like living in the 3rd world with nothing but what you have on. Its society fault which makes us like this and money does drive us which ultimately breaks us in the end in some way. Try and be gratefull for what you have and there for eachother little steps will help resolve issues can not expect someone to get up from that so soon. Billy change the tune : ‘when the going gets tough the tough pack their bags and get going’
Posted by: James (SE London) | September 18th, 2008 at 12:53 pm | Report this comment
There is something wrong if a wife is not pulling her weight at a time like this. Too busy getting one’s nails and hair done?
Posted by: RB | September 18th, 2008 at 12:55 pm | Report this comment
Your husband was “impossible” when he had a job, now he doesn’t have a job it is “even worse”.

It’s not working very well, is it?
Posted by: coco, 36, male, COO | September 18th, 2008 at 1:00 pm | Report this comment
I live in the area where all the yummy mummies hang out … and they seem to be quite content by not dealing with their rich, hardworking husbands and basically doing whatever … Wife: maybe you should get a long-hours job and avoid him in the house. An old Desperate Housewives story. Work sometimes saves relationships.
Posted by: Kay | September 18th, 2008 at 1:08 pm | Report this comment
Assuming you can afford to do it, get him to learn to fly a light aircraft, or even a sailplane. That will make him think hard, and flying solo will make a man of him!

David Vinter, male, retired.
Posted by: DAVID VINTER-- | September 18th, 2008 at 1:34 pm | Report this comment
I’ll jump on the opportunity and divorce him. The so called Masters of the Universe are horrible, uninteresting and unispiring people even when they make money. If they don’t, frankly there is no point in associating with them. I left mine in after the ‘87 crash and married a carpenter. Best thing I have ever done…
Posted by: Vicky | September 18th, 2008 at 1:41 pm | Report this comment
What happened to the “When the going gets tough??” Maybe he wasn’t so tough after all hiding behind a facade of activity and motion. The boy will recover when he decides to no longer be a victim. Wall Street is a tough gig these days but there is life off of the island. He needs to suck it up, assess his options rather than whine, and get on with life. Hmmm, that kinda sounds like what you may need to do as well wifey ! ! !
Posted by: Gary, 51, M, Sr Mgr | September 18th, 2008 at 1:43 pm | Report this comment
What a spoilt brat you are. Worse, it is clear you don’t respect or love your husband. It’s your husband that needs advice, not you. Even if he’s not a nice guy, his recovery needs to include getting rid of you, plus spending time with his kids. The rest, since financially he’s OK, can come later.

Jo, 34, physician, PhD candidate in cancer research
Posted by: Jo | September 18th, 2008 at 1:49 pm | Report this comment
He is probably depressed because he can no longer spend his days admirning the secretaries in his office. That hurts.

It seems to me that you are in this game for the $$ and the “Leave it to Beaver” lifestyle. If he is smart, he might just dump you.
Posted by: S Whittinghill | September 18th, 2008 at 1:49 pm | Report this comment
Let’s mainline some reality. A true Master of the Universe would not be on the losing end of a CDO, let alone lose his job because of it. Your husband is just a man, one who’s become a bore it seems. I would divorce myself from the situation immediately.
Posted by: Brian | September 18th, 2008 at 1:54 pm | Report this comment
He was impossible to live with when he was working and it’s impossible now that he’s not. Why did you ever marry this guy & what example are you giving to your children!

Please, stop being so self-centred. It’s woman like you that give the rest of us a bad name.

43,f, banker
Posted by: Cate | September 18th, 2008 at 2:00 pm | Report this comment
You are lucky that your husband has money, so at least you can get something out of the divorce. Go and do it NOW before it’s too late, there’s no money left, your nerves are wracked and you won’t be able to afford a divorce anymore…
Posted by: A | September 18th, 2008 at 2:03 pm | Report this comment
tell your husband to get a grip, stop acting like an infant and get a job - i’m sure Best Buy is hiring
Posted by: montgomery gilchrist | September 18th, 2008 at 2:15 pm | Report this comment
I do not understand why you say “I’m not going to divorce him”. If he is a pain in the ass you should do it, even if you have children. Do not have mercy for someone who wouldn’t do the same with you.

And tell him to go to hell. It is not the end of the world if he is not anymore the master he used to think he was.
Posted by: Master | September 18th, 2008 at 2:18 pm | Report this comment
Wow the people here are mean! If I had asked your question I would be so depressed by the very personal responses. I guess it’s easy to type your own frustrations when in reality there is a person in pain reading them and, maybe, taking them to heart.

It is obvious you still do care for your husband as you emailed here for advice in trying to resolve your present situation.

If he has been at work all these years, maybe you don’t know each other as well as you once did. It might be worth trying to remember when you had good times and surprise him by doing something similar again. It might help getting to know each other again and in the process talk.

I walk with my wife to work each morning for an hour. We always have this time together and we always talk. It’s important and I’ve noticed how much closer we are since we’ve started our walks.

It would be difficult to do this when he is really stressed so maybe now is a great time for you to get closer.

Good luck. Hope it works out.
Posted by: kevin | September 18th, 2008 at 2:31 pm | Report this comment
I was made redundant six months ago and as yet have not found a new role. Like your husband I used to enjoy the adrenaline of my work and would become entirly absorbed. And like your husband I am now at home and having bouts of sulks, depression and anger. The way that my wife deals with this is to not put up with it, so I will be told off if I leave washing up or shout at the children. And this is exactly what I need. Encouragement, yes; ocassional flattery, yes; space, yes: but not sympathy. I am aware of my bad behaviour and the one thing that I don’t need is sympathy.
Posted by: Peter | September 18th, 2008 at 3:14 pm | Report this comment
1. He is in a state akin to bereavement. Give him the space and time to grieve. It isn’t clear from your message how long he has been unemployed. Try to find a way to work around him in the meantime.

2. His criticisms of you and the children are likely not really directed at you (I have been on the receiving end of this sort of thing, so I know it’s hard to not take it personally). He probably just doesn’t know what to do and how to deal with this situation and is angry with himself. He is probably going over and over in his mind what he did wrong to have failed like this, and it can be maddening.

3. Try to encourage some displacement activity to take his mind off his problems (before he finds some himself in drink, women or drugs). He probably wants to feel useful/capable/talented again.

4. Your ultimate question was: will he recover? The answer is: his recovery is partly in your hands.
Posted by: RG, 28, Female, Lawyer | September 18th, 2008 at 3:21 pm | Report this comment
I left my investment banking job back in May…
It was stressful, long hours, difficult but financially rewarding.

Spent the last few months travelling with my wife in the far east - including much easy living on tropical islands - not particularly expensive either.

my advice: leave the social strait-jackets imposed on us by our consumerholic, keeping-up-with-the-jones lifestyle, and go discover a wider, often simpler, perspective on life.

perhaps you may rediscover why you got together in the first place.

leave the children with the grandparents.
Posted by: farga | September 18th, 2008 at 3:26 pm | Report this comment
Sincerest apologies on your loss. I too have been in your husbands position and made a full recovery, which aloud me to get back in the work place and puff up the ego and criticize my staff, allowing my wife to return to the quiet life. Before being gifted the freedom of lounging, i often contemplated the simple life while staring at screens 14 hours a day and wondered what eternal joys could be sort. Thankfully, after no time on the sidelines i soon realised that ‘retirement’ was for the weak while the strong died in battle.

If your husband fails to move on in the next 6-12 months then you must. Take what your owed (and no more)and venture to new pastures. A well groomed 42 wall st wife should be in good shape and am sure some elder would happily sponsor your lavish lifestyle.

Mean while I am sure your husbands mistress is making a swift exit which will only make him grumpier. I suggest you subtly push him in her direction so that she can get her fair share of the misery.
Posted by: Mr T, VIP, London | September 18th, 2008 at 3:30 pm | Report this comment
Wow there is a rush to judgement here, following some flawed analysis. Where does it say she is a spoiled corporate wife? Not all of us spent our time shopping and exercising with masses of household support. There is a good financial cushion- but that could be a result of saving not gigantic bonuses.

First understand his ego is shattered, and he misses the camaraderie and ego boost of work. Second he is bored and directionless for the first time in decades. Third he needs help to restructure his daily life. OK so this is childish but guess what- most men are ( you will agree in another 20 years). He needs guidance not criticism. Yes it is another child for you to tend and it is very tiresome that you are going to have to be the sole adult in the family. However you wisely realise that divorce is not the answer for anyone, least of all your children.

So you need to open a dialogue and communicate about your joint future. He needs to find a plan of action ( the only cure for a grounded Master of the Universe). He needs to find a place to go to everyday, for both your sakes. An office space will help, maybe to monitor the family investments or to create an alternative work plan or surf the net/ do soduku. He needs to get back into a rythmn of his Life.

So this is a rehearsal for retirement!Once he finds a fulfilling role for himself he will stop making your life hell so it behooves you to push him (gently) into stop wallowing in self pity and to be proactive and finding a better way to use his time.
Posted by: Judith corporate wife ( retired), 63, economist | September 18th, 2008 at 3:33 pm | Report this comment
First, it sounds like you too enjoyed the rush of fast money and deal making just like your husband.

Second, you should have an affair to find out if you really love him.

Third, let him flounder in his misery. Everyone must fall before they bounce back up.

Fourth, Wall St. deal days are numbered. Tell your hubby to go back to school and find another career.

Fifth, if he is home now… you guys should spend a lot of time in the sac. Fool around three to four times a day and re-connect. It’s important.
Posted by: Mike Hunt | September 18th, 2008 at 4:15 pm | Report this comment
Firstly I would advise that you all get a sense of perspective. THre are many other people worse off than you both.

Also if your husbands sense of self worth is bound up in his success he is spiritually sick. You are both worthwhile people and have children to bring up. Would you like them to inherit all of these shallow materlialistic values. I have a friend that put his children in private school (with difficulty) and was told by his then 15 year old son not to come to the school as his car was too bad……

come on, cheer up and look upon this as an opportunity to explore new things and not chase money.
Posted by: MarkG | September 18th, 2008 at 4:27 pm | Report this comment
From your email, it sounds as if you have the ego problem, not your husband- also sounds as if you are feeling vindicated by him loosing a job. I feel like reminding you that the probable reason why you guys are not under financial pressure is because of his hard work !!!!
He is your husband- show some basic courtsey and affection- he must be in shock on loosing his job!!! Try to involve him in developing hobbies or take a vacation or all the other things wives are supposed to do.
Please don’t blame your children for not divorcing him- sounds like a feeble excuse, perhaps you enjoy the feel of money and power a lot but like to pretend that you are sticking around only for the kids!!!!
Posted by: michelle 28 female trader | September 18th, 2008 at 4:33 pm | Report this comment
To tell the truth, I’m more sorry for your husband than for you.
You make him sound like a very unpleasant person but he’s the one who’s just lost his job. You don’t seen to realise what a horrible and demoralising thing this is. Your question is mainly about yourself - how hard you now find it and expect us to be amazed by your announcement that you’re not going to divorce him ‘because of the children.’
Fine, he may be being unpleasant to you but try and put yourself in his place. Maybe then you wouldn’t focus on yourself so much and your marriage would improve as you find ways you can help him and he learns to appreciate what you do.
Just learn a little respect for your marriage partner and don’t even think of jumping ship just because something has gone wrong - try and work through it.
I wish you all the best.
Posted by: Ruth, 19, female, Administrative Assistant | September 18th, 2008 at 4:40 pm | Report this comment
Girl, why don’t you finally find a job and leave him with the kid? That’ll give you breathing air and a better appreciation of real life, and that’ll give him a chance to spend time with his kid and a better appreciation of real life.
Posted by: SpongeBob | September 18th, 2008 at 4:43 pm | Report this comment
Your husband appears to be quite a shallow chap. Losing a job isn’t the end of the world - and if you don’t have financial woes there is really no reason for him to be so uptight and difficult. You now get to see him in stark relief - for what he is - a petty little twit.

Dump him, take what you can and move on to someone who truly cares for you.
Posted by: sak, corporate banker | September 18th, 2008 at 4:45 pm | Report this comment
You’re both going through a difficult time, and from the way you sound, it wasn’t very good even when he was doing well at work.

So why not face what’s behind it all: your husband’s lack of self-esteem, which makes him identify so exclusively with how successful he can be at making money and moving up in a career. From what you say, he never learned to appreciate the “softer” aspects of personality, and the meaning which comes from healthy relationships.

So don’t suck up to him, but suggest that you both need help, possibly in group therapy. People can be helped to grow emotionally if they’re ready to make the effort. If he’s unable to try, all the money in the world won’t give you satisfaction in your marriage.

But if you come to the conclusion that he can’t/won’t change, at least try to grow somewhat yourself so that you don’t end up in a similar relationship because you attract or look for (subconsciously) men who are incapable of intimacy. Both of you seem to be emotionally programmed from early on, but you need to test the limits of change. A crisis like this is a heaven-sent opportunity if you really care for each other.

If you don’t care for each other, you’re not doing your children much good by going through with a relationship which teaches them the wrong things about how to grow up and relate to others.

Good luck!

Hari. Male, consultant - I’ve been through it.
Posted by: Hari Prasad | September 18th, 2008 at 4:52 pm | Report this comment
Have you considered a naturist holiday? This would be very relaxing and might help encourage you both to see that material possessions are not so very important. You may even enjoy life a bit more together like this?
Posted by: Finn, Oslo | September 18th, 2008 at 4:52 pm | Report this comment
I can’t believe it when you say “I am not going to divorce him”. What? then can I assume that just because he has lost his job you have considered divorcing him? I feel pity for him but not because he has lost his job but because his wife seems to be with him only for his money and his job in Wall Street. Shame on you
Posted by: Oscar | September 18th, 2008 at 4:56 pm | Report this comment
Unfortunatey I, like a lot of other beings on the planet, do not feel any sympathy whatsoever for you or your husband. In percentage terms few of us, or our families, take home the types of salaries probably enjoyed by your husband.

Imagine for a moment, if you can, your husband getting fired and having to maybe moonlight as a taxi driver to bring in enough to pay the mortgage. Or you, if you had to work, having to support the family as well. SO; BEFORE FEELING UPSET AT YOUR LOT THINK ABOUT ALL THOSE PEOPLE OUT THERE LESS FORTUNATE
Posted by: The Average Joe | September 18th, 2008 at 5:02 pm | Report this comment
At work your husband was effective, decisive, intelligent busy. (I’ve picked out the good bits.)

If you now show yourself to be effective, decisive, intelligent and busy at home there’s a chance that will rub off before long.

Make plans for trips with the children, evenings out, re-furbishing your home, a part-time course (eg. a foreign language with a view to travel), etc.
At every stage invite him to participate. If he declines, go ahead anyway - alone, or with a (female) friend.

Show him the kind of attitude he will have thought he had himself, and will have admired in others.
Posted by: John W | September 18th, 2008 at 5:50 pm | Report this comment
You belong on Geraldo Rivera. Such shallowness of character deserves global recognition.
Posted by: Kaiser | September 18th, 2008 at 6:12 pm | Report this comment
Since I am sure you were happy with the material fruits of his labor when his ego was huge you should put up with him when he is feeling weak and self-pitying. (You might recall “for better or for worse”.)You sound pretty shallow, by the way. I would also say that if the only reason you can think of not to file for divorce is for the kids you surley have a pretty lousy marriage. My guess is that you married him for the money. I am very glad you are not my wife. I feel sorry for your husband, but of course he was dumb enough to marry you.

Felix,40, account executive
Posted by: Felix | September 18th, 2008 at 6:29 pm | Report this comment
Perhaps if he doesn’t need the money and has a financial background then he could become an IFA - except an honest one giving real advice instead of acting as a salesman. He could maybe even volunteer at a citizen’s advice bureau.

We don’t know enough about this guy’s background to know if he was a position to oversee bank-wide risk management procedures or to decide on the overall level of investment to be put into mortgage backed securities.

Samec, 30 - living in a fast-growing cash not credit economy, where fund managers get negative bonuses if they lose client money.
Posted by: Samec, 30 | September 18th, 2008 at 7:01 pm | Report this comment
People sometimes go through rough patches. FAMILIES are supposed to stick together and help each other. “Stand by your man” by doing “tough love”.
Tell him to become a humble member of the family and to see a psychologist, if he doesn’t comply with the first request. If that doesn’t help, you must threaten divorce. That is the only way the Master Of The Universe will learn his most important lesson of live: being a humble person who has to respect his family.
Your husband knows “powerplay” very well from his professional life and he will learn to respect you if you make your power visible. He can and will change if you force him to become a humble person.
A good start would be to find a job -any job- for him to finally become a humble person. Apparently that is the issue.
Love sometimes means to force a member of family to change his or her life.
This is as much as an opportunity as an opportunity for your family !
Posted by: Frank Gerlach | September 18th, 2008 at 8:08 pm | Report this comment
Today, my husband was removed from his high level, highly paid position, and it won’t even be known until Monday whether he is being moved to another position (which could be in another
state, away from our children/grandchildren etc.) It is a strong possibility they may not offer him anything but the door, and in this day and age of no severance packages this is very scary!! In reading Wife 42’s letter I was really surprised at how it helped ME with my own reaction to the loss my husband has experienced today. Did I have the urge to lash out a little when he walked through the door,spoke about the situation for 15 minutes, hung his suit in the closet and plunked in front of his computer to play games on a website called POGO, yessery bob I wanted to say something… But now I’m glad I didn’t, for if I were to reveal how shocked and scared I am I would have come off sounding as harsh as wife 42!! She doesn’t mention how long her hubby has been out of work; but I hope that I can, in a loving and supportive way, guide him into his next adventure in the working world, and pray I don’t get to the point where I would ever be driven to consider a divorce!!
Posted by: sandy825 | September 18th, 2008 at 9:46 pm | Report this comment
Can’t see why people are getting so uptight with the wife - after all most MoU treat marriage like a transaction - he pays for a good-looking woman who looks after the house etc. Woman marries the man who brings home the bacon. I know plenty of marriages/relationships where the MoU is with the woman because she has a nice posterior and makes him look good - he’s not someone to be pitied - he knew what he was buying and probably knew she wouldn’t be with him if it wasn’t for the money. You’d think most MoU would have worked this out for themselves by now … Not saying that the wife in this column is like that, but please stop treating the man like he’s an innocent angel and the wife like some deranged harpy…

Equity analyst, F, 20s.
Posted by: Narik | September 18th, 2008 at 9:47 pm | Report this comment
If you decided to divorce at 42, with children from a previous marriage, some might ungenerously call you damaged. Not your husband, apparently, who stayed with you for richer or for poorer even after you turned 40 when he was at the height of his career. I can’t see that he is any different from the thousands of others who’ve successfully returned to investment banking after a brief stint as co-master of the house—everyone knows the drill. Wall Street is hard on masters of the universe and harder on their partners, which is why there are lots of groups that can help both of you, especially now that Wall Street and the City have become a little colder (try starting with employee organizations of your husband’s ex-bank).
Posted by: Investor, male, 51 | September 18th, 2008 at 11:37 pm | Report this comment
Let’s face it, your husband will always be a prima donna. If you don’t want to be married to one (irrespective of the state of the markets) get out of the marriage now. www.winnowed.blogspot.com Lawyer, 33, Male
Posted by: Vinod Joseph | September 19th, 2008 at 6:17 am | Report this comment
Sign of the times - 78 replies in record time ! Many of us seem to be (or potentially) on one or the other side of this story.
Posted by: out of the box | September 19th, 2008 at 12:51 pm | Report this comment
re comment by Tom Norman regaidng the Landmark Forum. Do not follow up this advice - LF are as close to a cult I have ever come accross. Read more here http://www.rickross.com/groups/landmark.html

If your idea of fun is spending 15 hour days and a final session where you invite relatives and friends to tell them of your “new” success” and how they should sign up to….
Posted by: Dom | September 19th, 2008 at 1:59 pm | Report this comment
He sounds dreadful.

Divorce him.
Posted by: Ben, 28, Consultant | September 19th, 2008 at 4:07 pm | Report this comment
Boys and girls,

Sitting around waiting for the boot I did a mini analysis of the responses. At least kept me away from thinking what my dear wife would do to me.

I hope you find this insightful.

Of the 76 comments 8 (11%) were not obviously male or female so were ignored.

51, or 67% were male and only 22% female, so clearly the boys care about this more than the girls do (assuming the readership of the FT is 50/50)

Most voters expressed or implied either negative, positive or neutral (i.e. advice only, no judgement) views of the MoU and the Wife.

Happy to share the numbers but the upshot is:

- Men try to be objective with 41% of the total responses neutral, and roughly 30% positive and 30% negative
- Women care more - 41% positive, 38% Negative and 21% neutral

- Men sympathise with the MoU (49% positive, 39% neutral) and dislike Wife (49% Negative, 43% Neutral)

- Women, perhaps surprisingly, also sympathise with MoU (47% positive, 29% Negative) and are not too keen on Wife (47% negative, 35% positive)

The non-determined votes were just that – neither here nor there.

So it seems sexual equality is finally here – given this is a fairly divisive stereotype question, both sexes seem to favour a second chance for the presumed hard-working albeit borderline obnoxious type and dislike the apparently freeloading type.
Posted by: Rob | September 19th, 2008 at 5:21 pm | Report this comment
Both of you need to change and recover.
He should finally realize that he is not the Master of the Universe. And he is not even close to be it.
He was just lucky and now he isn’t.
Thinking that a person is a Master of the Universe is very dangerous. A bitter disappointment is inevitable.
Arrogance can eat soul away.

If you say that you aren’t going to divorce him, because of the children then I’m afraid you don’t love him.
But you should because he is your husband. It is your duty to love him. And his duty is to love you.
You shouldn’t pretend because you would lie him this way.
Probably you think he has become too bad to love him and you deserve better. This is arrogance as well.
Arrogance can’t make anyone happy.
When you was giving wedding vows were they just tradition or something more important?

Of course he has a chance to recover as well as any other person. And you can recover as well.
If you both admit your mistakes and change yourselves you will live together not because of the children but because of yourselves.

Orthodox christian
Posted by: Sanya, 29, software engineer | September 19th, 2008 at 6:36 pm | Report this comment
Assess your own true feelings on the issue.

If you are really bothered about the man rather than his income then you should both use your new found time to volunteer to help those less well off than yourself, cleaning hospitals, helping at a homeless shelter etc. This should help you to realign your priorities.

If you are only interested in his income then I should get yourself another sugar daddy and leave the kids with the loser (your definition)
Posted by: Stuart - FD | September 20th, 2008 at 9:49 am | Report this comment
Give him space to recover and ignore some of his nastiness but not all of it - at the right time tell him that u understand but you want him to understand that this is a big change for u also and collectively u need to make it work for your family. Dont take everyting lying down as it will work against your marriage in the future. if you wait for the good days to talk to him he will be surprised by your reaction and u will resent that he cant understand why you kept quiet during his tough times. So balance it out. He deserves better but so do you and your family. How he reacts, whether he changes or not really depends on his personality and your equation with each other. all the best.
Posted by: p-nut | September 20th, 2008 at 3:37 pm | Report this comment
I find most of these responses completely ridiculous - find him a hobby? Structure his day? He is a fully grown man, not a child in need of extra-curricular activities. How about tell him to sort himself out, he sounds like a petulant idiot in need of a good slap. Make it clear that you aren’t prepared to take on his adolescent moods, and look long and hard at your marriage. Is it actually worth bothering with? It seems like a pretty dreadful relationship you’ve burdened yourselves with.
Use this change to reassess your lives - you’re lucky that you’re financially comfortable so you have the time to discover how you can make this situation better.

Above all, shut up whining, and dwell on the fact that others have genuine problems that cannot be solved as easily as yours.

I’m tempted to add “boo hoo”.
Oh I just did.
Posted by: Banker | September 20th, 2008 at 3:42 pm | Report this comment
Overdone sympathy won’t help. He’s got a good case of the sulks going and he’s probably decided that somehow you were a cause of his sacking. Offer to help him find a job; get out the want ads and study them, being sure he knows what you are doing. That should cut deep enough into his eo to make him want to get out of the house to look hard for another job. Of course, he may also go off to the pub for a few pints and come home sloshed. If it’s the latter, go home to Mother and take the kids.
Posted by: Wes Pedersen | September 20th, 2008 at 8:15 pm | Report this comment
Wife, 42, doesn’t mention anywhere that she doesn’t have a job, nor that she has financial concerns. She doesn’t much like her husband, that’s all.

Well Wife, surely every marriage goes through a rough patch, and it’s not surprising he’s not finding it easy to go all of a sudden from feeling hugely important to being socially irrelevant. Try to remember what you liked about him when you decided you’d like to marry him. Be nice to him. Use the free time and the money to do something fun together. Or go somewhere that will make you come back feeling a bit more philosophical about life. Take the kids with you and volunteer for a month or two in an Indian orphanage. It probably wouldn’t hurt anyone in the family to have a close look at life outside Chelsea.
Posted by: Bex, 35, Female, Civil Servant | September 22nd, 2008 at 11:18 am | Report this comment
A reality check for you and your husband. Life is about much more than work but we not really realise that is the case in time. Work is often unnatural world where big ego’s grow unchecked. Homelife should be the real leveller for all of us especially if you have children.
Posted by: Craig, male, 43 | September 22nd, 2008 at 1:57 pm | Report this comment
I always find sex is the answer to most problems. With your damaged Master of the Universe husband if you want to save your marriage - should be easy as he has time on his hands now. Some Janet Reger underwear and a bit of melted chocolate and whipped cream will help if he is feeling unco-operatively sorry for himself.

If you feel your marriage isn’t worth saving then obviously sex with someone else is the answer. If you are undecided on your own can be fun too to take your mind of your problems.
Posted by: mary, architect | September 23rd, 2008 at 10:36 am | Report this comment
Presumably, you have lived with an over-sized ego at least partly because it has provided financial security. Now you are paying the price. Whilst sympathy may be appropriate for a short time, before long your husband will need some straight talking from you. For the sake of both you and your children, he needs to recognise the negative impact of his selfish behaviour. Hopefully, as a result, he will realise that self-pity is unattractive and appreciate how fortunate he is.
Posted by: Simon, male, 52, City Consultant (married) | September 23rd, 2008 at 2:56 pm | Report this comment
Dear wife 42:

This is all cultural.

I recommend you to travel to Ecuador, visit the Galapagos, as a family, discover the beauty of nature, that every moment must be treasured, particularly the hard ones. He only lost his job and thank God your chuldren are well and healthy.

Come and live a little of the XXIst century socialism. Re discover beyond your boundaries, that life is not about been superficial. Besides Wall Street stopped being capitalist, might as well learn from the source. To Ecuadorians family is our most important asset in richness and more importantly in poorness.

If you need anything, we are here to help, Patricio pdelsalto@hotmail.com
Posted by: Patricio del Salto, Private Banker Survivor | September 24th, 2008 at 1:59 am | Report this comment
First you yourself have to get clear what you want from life. Do you want to be happy? Figure out what makes you happy, and then go for it. I am quite sure you only need a little effort from your husband, and don’t ask for more, otherwise you yourself will start nagging.

Meanwhile it is important you set your boundaries about what is really unacceptable behaviour from your husband. Of course you understand his frustration about his current situation, and of course he is allowed to sulk and be angry about it. And he needs time to recover from his stressfull life as well. But he is not allowed to take it out in a damaging way to you or the children. Set your sanctions on this type of behaviour, maybe you will even consider divorce. Unacceptable is unacceptable, isn’t it? If you decide to live with it, clearly it is not unacceptable to you, so accept it!

When you limit your demands, and put them down stronger, he will challenge you less. As a result the time spent on argueing will be reduced, and there will be more room for the good things in life.

I myself was in a situation like yours, and managed to turn it around. I do not expect him to listen to my women’s worries anymore, but enjoy hearing him play his guitar. We regularly go out for a drink together, play a round of golf, and are very happy together. But I did give up quite a lot of my own professional ambitions, and took up managing most of our household. His job will always be too important for him!
Posted by: Liliane, female 44, previously management consultant, now housewife | September 24th, 2008 at 2:43 am | Report this comment
Losing a job on Wall Street in the current climate is not likely to dent any ego, especially that of a Master of the Universe. It is much too easy to blame the forces of nature.

Likely he is sulking because he is now forced to make a string of choices at a moment not of his choosing. These choices include his wife and family. So, while you are feeling sorry for yourself because he has abruptly invaded your space, you might want to reflect on his deal making nature and the possibility that he is feeling that he has drawn another short straw now he has the opportunity to study his wife and family closely 24/7.

Staying together for the sake of the children is understandable - children are always the innocent victims in a divorce. Leaving him now would be unfair to them, and to yourself. You promised to stay together through thick and thin and now you think of leaving because the sun has temporarily gone behind a cloud. Could you really look yourself in the face in the years to come if you left him now?

The two of you have been gifted an opportunity. It has not come at a convenient moment but it is an opportunity for both of you to review how to approach the next 20 years. Your relationship is an asset and it is up to you both to decide whether it is toxic and whether you are prepared to trade it in for 30 cents on the dollar. My advice is to engage yourself fully with this problem that has entered your home uninvited and sieze the opportunity to decide your futures together.

Chris J, Male, 55ish, VP
Posted by: Chris J | September 24th, 2008 at 9:44 am | Report this comment
“For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness…..
Posted by: Conor | September 24th, 2008 at 9:46 am | Report this comment
Fabulous stuff here! Keep it coming everyone! I’d strongly urge the FT to publish as many of these responses in the paper as possible. They give a starkly revealing response as to how all of these arrogant Masters of The Universe who’ve been happily been destroying other people’s lives for years(in the names of efficiency savings and such like) start squealing like stuck pigs when they realise they might be getting a taste of their own medicine. Don’t remember most of these guys being too woried about this ‘for richer, for poorer stuff’ when they wanted to leave their wife for their PA back when times were good.

As to the question, yes, people can change, but only if they want to. With the way things are going, he’s likely to be out of work for a while. So make it clear that it was one thing to put up with his attitude for a couple of hours a day but you can’t cope with it all day, every day and he has to make some effort to change, as you also will have to. Good Luck!

Tam, Male, 35
Posted by: Tam | September 24th, 2008 at 1:09 pm | Report this comment
You two had a deal when you got married. From the tone of your post, I doubt the deal was truly to love, honour and cherish - more like earn loads of money (him) and act as arm-candy and provide heirs (you).

Now that he has unwittingly reneged on his side of the deal, do you take that as a green light to head for the hills or do you stick it out and hope for a recovery? Ask yourself this. If the boot was on the other foot, and you were the party ‘in breach’ of your side of the deal, a) what would you want him to do? and b) what do you think he would actually choose to do?

What goes around, eventually comes around. Just do everything you both can to protect your children from the fall-out.
Posted by: GLH, female, 30, manager | September 24th, 2008 at 3:04 pm | Report this comment
Losing a job is a very distressing moment both for men and women, especially for sole bread-winners.

I suggest that you organized family activities and outings. Help him to see what are the most important things in life: family members/relationships.

Never love your job or your company! That is the advice from a VP of a succesful company. On the day of your death, your company will just replace you; but it is your family members that will cry and suffer. And on your deathbed, you will not think: what business or deals I haven’t done, but what I haven’t done for those people whom I love.

Don’t let yourself be influenced by his negativity. Cheer up! And if you are a Christian, you can ask him to go to Sunday Service with the whole family members.
Posted by: Layminto Jubilee | September 25th, 2008 at 2:09 am | Report this comment
How about couples counselling? Maybe then he’ll realise there’s more to life than work and he’s been handed a golden opportunity to have some fun with the people who love him.
Posted by: Tax adviser, female, 47 | September 25th, 2008 at 4:03 am | Report this comment
Treat him as he would have treated others in his frightful job.

Explain that you need lots of money and tell him to get out there and produce it.
Posted by: Merlin | September 29th, 2008 at 3:37 pm | Report this comment
Wait a minute. Your husband helped create the financial disaster we are all paying for, but you people are NOT under any financial pressure?

Use some of that precious money to buy yourself a soul.
Posted by: Drumz | September 30th, 2008 at 2:45 am | Report this comment
Your husband is an adult. You are not responsible for his happiness. Nor is he responsible for your happiness.

Regardless of his situation, he does not have the right to emotionally abuse you, which is how I define “criticising everything you do.”

Being supportive means letting him know that he is still a valuable person. It does not mean tolerating abuse.

If he is really criticising everything you do, and you are not just overdramatising, then tell him that you will not tolerate that behaviour, and mean it.

Bad things happen to everybody. That does not give them the right to hurt other people.
Posted by: Joy, 43, Analyst | October 1st, 2008 at 12:14 pm | Report this comment
Sincerely, I feel sorry for you. I understand your reasons and that with the children involved it is not easy to walk away - even if a man is a jerk, like your husband.

I would advise him a therapy because he strongly needs one. If his Ego recovers or not is another question. If he is still realtively young and ready to learn, then I feel optimistic about him and your future.

Unfortunately, though, these type of the people doesn’t easily change. He needed this lesson to become more humble. He fell from his throne where he felt like the master of the universe. Now he has the opportunity to start at rock bottom. Hopefully he comes through this process as a better human being.

Try to be patient with him. He needs time to digest and process his new position and to find a new meaning of life. Which is not money or power per se.

Good luck.
Posted by: tsunami, 36, journalist | October 1st, 2008 at 4:12 pm | Report this comment
Joay says “Your husband is an adult. You are not responsible for his happiness. Nor is he responsible for your happiness.”

I disagree. That’s what marriage is about.
Posted by: Samec, 30 | October 2nd, 2008 at 6:28 am | Report this comment
Woah - sounds awful. You ac

ft.com/dearlucy

‘My husband has just lost his job on Wall Street’

September 18, 2008

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