FT.com | Dear Lucy | Is it okay to ask my younger girlfriend to dump her shallow friends for me?

Is it okay to ask my younger girlfriend to dump her shallow friends for me?

October 2, 2008

I am a corporate lawyer in New York, recently separated from my wife, also a lawyer. We both worked extremely hard but when not working we used to go out with people who were mutual friends or who might be useful for business. My new girlfriend is 16 years my junior and is a successful model. I spent last weekend in Las Vegas with her and her friends and it was an orgy of boredom. They – though beautiful – were marketing associates and sales reps and we had nothing to talk about. Is it unfair of me to demand that she must dump her old friends if she wants a future with me?
Lawyer, male, 41

Lucy’s answer

Is it fair to demand that she dumps her own friends? No, obviously it isn’t fair, and either is it kind, realistic or sensible. More to the point, it isn’t necessary. If you don’t like her friends, simply arrange your life so that you don’t have to see them. I very much doubt if she wants to spend time with your 40-year-old legal friends much either.

Various readers have written in asking what this personal problem is doing on these pages. As I see it, your problem is not altogether personal, and that’s the trouble with it. You look at your partner’s friends as part of a business continuum, and this makes you nostalgic for those charming soirées with your ex-wife when you would both spend profitable evenings chatting up legal contacts.

If your new relationship must pass the business test you should think coldly about what each of you gives the other. To her, you are presumably a source of financial backing. You may also help by making her seem more grown-up and giving her some bottom, as it were.

For you, she is a source of glamour and gratification to your male ego. Yet I’m not sure how this helps in business terms. Clients may envy your pulling power, but they may find her company as boring as you found her friends. They may also think you are having a mid-life crisis, and if I were hiring a corporate lawyer, I’d prefer mine crisis-free. It would be interesting to know why she wanted you to go to Las Vegas with her. Perhaps it was as simple as that you were paying. Equally, she may have been unsure about you, and saw this as a panel interview with her friends. Alas, it seems you failed.

That means your best bet now is to quit before you are fired and do the sensible thing and go back to your wife – if she will have you.

October 2nd, 2008 in Uncategorised | Permalink

78 Responses to “Is it okay to ask my younger girlfriend to dump her shallow friends for me?”

Comments

I do not know this is also a relationship column. It seems that the slow economy finally reaches here: Not many people are working or facing the danger of losing jobs, so there are not enough workplace problems to ask.

Anyway, the lawyer who asked the question thought the 29 old model’s friends are boring. I am sure that her friends have the same feeling. Lawyers generally are not a terrible exciting group for people in the fashion circle. I am sure your girl friend loves you and is hot. However, if you are serious about this then one of you has to change. Either you becomes more wild or she dumps her old friends and joins you. Leaving the things where they were might work for someone, though very rare.
Posted by: jin | October 2nd, 2008 at 4:26 am | Report this comment
Oops, should be 25 years old gf…Sorry
Posted by: jin | October 2nd, 2008 at 4:27 am | Report this comment
This is all so wrong. Not only have you missed the point of having the nubile young girlfriend your ego must be off the scale.

As a divorcee with a 25 year old model girlfriend you should either, 1) be whooping it up and living the life you missed out on because your hunger for a successful career made you miss all the fun in your 20s and 30’s, or 2) you should be parading her at the right events in order to impress your (male) friends and show the ex that you are moving on and up, while at all other times you see as little of her as possible. Obviously amazing sex (on her part) should be a given in both cases.

As for your ego, if you think that you are such catch that you can force a beautiful young model, who is living the dream, in to domesticity you should not be allowed to date. Not only would this shatter the world of this person it would spoil the view for the rest of us.

This clearly explains why your wife left you in the first place. I suggest you apologise to her for being a boring ego maniac and immediately start trying to woo her back, thereby leaving the pretty girls to those that appreciate them.
Posted by: Mr T, VIP, London | October 2nd, 2008 at 4:46 am | Report this comment
You can never ask a woman to give up her friends for you. What makes you so great? Maybe she’d be bored out of her mind with you and your friends. If she asked you to give them up, would you? It’s not your responsibility to make her happy, and vice versa. You both need outside sources of happiness and outside interests. Asking her to give up her friends is a surefire way to end the relationship in degrees. Maybe she will give them up, but it won’t be for long.
Posted by: Melineh, 29, Auditor | October 2nd, 2008 at 4:52 am | Report this comment
You are a loser.
Posted by: Benjamin, 25, Investment Banking Analyst | October 2nd, 2008 at 5:28 am | Report this comment
Of course it’s “okey” and it will give her good insight into the control freakery to come.
Posted by: Max | October 2nd, 2008 at 5:58 am | Report this comment
How would you start such a conversation. “Darling, (or perhaps Honey if we are in America), I have been thinking, it’s time to get rid of those friends of yours!”

Be thankful she has friends, women who don’t can be much more demanding of your time. You were lucky to have mutual friends with your wife, most of the time people have two different circles. (By the way, does this mean that you got to keep the friends in the divorce settlement? You must be a good lawyer, because they tend to become the property of the wife).

If you want a long-term future then you don’t need to hang out 24-7 with her, if she is away for the weekend then you can have some fun with the boys back in New York. Also, if you are thinking about the long-term then play a long game, unless she is already world-famous then when she gets the wrong side of 30 everyone in her world will forget about her and you can’t be blamed for it.

You just need to agree that you will be available for each other for the bigger events, and, of course, regular bed-time fun.
Posted by: Samec, 30 | October 2nd, 2008 at 6:39 am | Report this comment
The problem is that even if she dumps her friends for you, you will end up getting bored with her once you’ve moved past the “16 years younger model” euphoria. Supposedly she is like her friends or she wouldn’t hang out and have fun with them. Also maybe you should be realistic enough to see that she’s with you mainly for your money and status - but as long as you both are clear about what you’re getting out of this relationship there’s nothing wrong about that
Posted by: A | October 2nd, 2008 at 8:33 am | Report this comment
Are you for real? Get a grip - it’s no wonder you are divorced! Get rid of the ‘arm-candy’ and find yourself another like-minded career woman. If anyone out there is desperate enough to want to hook up with a misogynistic, arrogant, control-freak that is.

Irene, 48, Female, Investment Manager
Posted by: Irene Steel | October 2nd, 2008 at 9:00 am | Report this comment
Marry her quickly. She’s hot - isn’t she? And you’re rich. Or she wouldn’t be bothering with a dull old man. Then, next time she’s on a modelling assignment in the UK, she can start divorce proceedings under our amazing girl-friendly laws and clean you out. She gets rich and rid. You get to stay with all your worthy friends - and can dine out for the rest of your sad lonely days on your “my second wife, the gorgeous one” stories.

Alternatively .. grow up.
Posted by: God I'm glad I'm not your girlfriend | October 2nd, 2008 at 9:03 am | Report this comment
Is this really just an excuse to show off your young and pretty girlfriend to all the readers of the FT? Beware though, with the economy the way it is, she might be the one to ask you to leave if your finances suddenly take a hit.

Male, 30, Civil Servant
Posted by: Herk | October 2nd, 2008 at 10:40 am | Report this comment
Let me get this right. You are a corporate lawyer in your forties and you have a girlfriend who (a) is not a lawyer; (b) is young and beautiful; and (c) takes you partying in Vegas with other beautiful young women. Is this a problem or a fantasy??!!

John, 40, male, corporate lawyer.
Posted by: John | October 2nd, 2008 at 11:40 am | Report this comment
The root of your problem is that you are now in a completely different type of relationship to before. In a good relationship the two people are like a team. In English-speaking countries, people often search for someone a similar as possible to themselves and the team functions like a soccer team with two goalkeepers. I don’t know, but I suspect this might have been part of the reason why you split up with your fellow lawyer wife and ended up with a model. I suspect you have a more European kind of relationship now, where different people have different roles (obviously this varies depending on which European country we are talking about).

Now your team has two different types of players on it then the type of problems you have will be totally different to before. For example she is much more likely than your ex-wife to appreciate the ability to leave savings and investments to you, and as you are now the only lawyer you will now have a free hand at resoving any disputes with outsiders you get into. She won’t have issues about your position in the law firm being higher, or lower, or the same as hers (all 3 of which can cause arguments). Many of the areas you fought with your wife over will be calm. Your new partner needs your judgement in these areas in a way your ex-wife didn’t.

On the other hand there is less common ground with someone who is more different to you than your previous wife was. You will argue about what to watch on TV, you won’t be able to talk about the same books, you will have different circles of friends. You will gain common ground over time though, as do all couples. You need to think about what she does for you that you couldn’t do alone (for example, I hope she has sorted out your wardrobe) and work out how to appreciate her in the same way as she appreciates you. You will maybe need to spend more time with your friends to get some of the same things as you had before.

Like many personal issues, it depends what your aim is in life, for example are you or aren’t you wanting to have kids with her?

For me, well I am a businessman and I married the beautiful non-high-flying girl. We appreciate each other’s different skills, she chooses my clothes for me. She is making a wonderful mother, instead of law books she studies nutrition, the teaching of the young etc. - because she isn’t bursting to get back to her career she has fed our daughter naturally for the full American Association of Pediatrics recommended 1 year, and our daughter is much healthier as a result. We sometimes want to kill each other like anyone else though. I make sure to meet up with my male friends for beers and discussion of football, girls and the financial crisis.

Ignore the people who say that attraction should have nothing to do with it. If the other person’s body was not part of the issue then we would all be bi-.

Your relationship, like any other, will work if you both work on it and tolerate each other and forgive each other and appreciate each other. Compared to your last one, you have more work, more to tolerate, maybe more to forgive but definitely more to appreciate.

Good luck!
Posted by: Samec, 30 | October 2nd, 2008 at 11:56 am | Report this comment
Why don’t you just do what we all do when we hit the mid life crisis.

get yourself a big motorbike, a leather jacket and grow a pony tail.

No one will laugh - honest
Posted by: Stuart - FD | October 2nd, 2008 at 11:58 am | Report this comment
You know for a lawyer, you have pretty good instincts. In the banking industry, where we have even less free time, you quickly learn that wasting personal time on strictly personal activities is just really stupid. When I go to my son’s parent-teacher meetings, I meet clients. When I go out with my wife, I always double date with persons with potential. When I go to the gym, I always check the treadmills for high-potential running mates. It’s obvious that you can’t waste more weekends with nitwits. You’re clearly a rookie at being divorced. I’ve been there. My second wife was an attractive blood-sucking leach with pretty (stupid) friends too. Don’t even bother with the ultimatum. Just ditch her and find another career woman. They have less time to moan at you and tend to keep better company. But try to keep the break up clean. It’s good to have someone on the subs bench when wifey is out of town.
Posted by: Stellan Sjögreen, Banker 39 | October 2nd, 2008 at 12:16 pm | Report this comment
She’s a beautiful model and 16 years your junior, I don’t think you’ll have to worry about this problem for too much longer.
Posted by: Emily | October 2nd, 2008 at 12:22 pm | Report this comment
Oh My -
a - you are recently separated
b - you were married to someone who worked in the same industry as you and only socialised with mutual friends or people who might be ‘useful for business’
c - you are currently seeing someone who you have a very significant age and career gap with.

In a nut shell no. Don’t ask anything of her.
She is younger than you, moves in a different world to you, and at the risk of being rude - this may well not be the defining relationship of your life.
You sound far more serious than her.
Besides - you should love someone for who they are - not who you want them to be.
Posted by: Mel | October 2nd, 2008 at 12:27 pm | Report this comment
If you ask her to dump her friends, she is quite likely to dump you instead, and with good cause. She introduced you to her friends, and you couldn’t find anything to talk to them about because they were “marketing associates and sales reps”. Are you only able to conduct conversations with other lawyers? How dull are you?
Posted by: DML, banker, Female, 43 | October 2nd, 2008 at 12:56 pm | Report this comment
I bet your girlfriend finds your friends unutterably tedious too, though probably for rather different reasons…middle-aged stuffed shirts agonising about the credit crunch / midlife crises / expensive divorces…delete as appropriate.

Has she asked you to dump your friends for her, on the grounds of boredom?

What matters is not whether you have anything in common with your girlfriend’s friends, but whether you have anything in common with your girlfriend, surely?
Posted by: GLH, female, 30, manager | October 2nd, 2008 at 1:21 pm | Report this comment
You should definitely ask her and study her reaction :

1- she walks straight out of the room and never looks back => end of story
2- she doesn’t => clearly she lacks common sense => you run => end of story

You are really looking for an excuse to end your relationship. You are tempted to blame it on her. I wonder what the girl did to make you so angry?
Posted by: coco, 36, male, COO | October 2nd, 2008 at 2:02 pm | Report this comment
I hadn’t realised that the purpose of having a trophy girlfriend was enjoying the company of her friends…
Posted by: Louie, female, 45, director | October 2nd, 2008 at 2:04 pm | Report this comment
Man, congratulation on you getting a young and beautiful new girl friend. You certainly hit lots of nerves and make many middle age women angry, that’s for sure. You really should ignore their negative and hatred comments, since they naturally relate to your wife and are against you under almost all the circumstances.

After years of the miserable life with a lawyer wife (I almost feel your pain…), you deserve some fun and exotic moments. But I would recommend you to be careful about her and her friends. No matter what you want from your relationship with this hot model (unless you want to end it), asking your girl friend to sacrifice her friends will spoil the fun so it is not a good idea. You can try another way though. Bring your model girl to your circle sometime to see if she likes it. If she is interested in the sincere and intellectual conversions, she would gradually move into your circle. That is certainly the best scenario. Not to mention you will definitely get a lot of pats on the back. If your girl friend does not feel comfortable, better keep separate circles and enjoy your own friends. You can always try to engage with her circle though. It would be difficult for you.

Life is short, enjoy when you can. Good move, dude.
Posted by: Z, male, 30 | October 2nd, 2008 at 3:47 pm | Report this comment
Don’t ask her; I doubt she is considering a future with you anyway and probably thinks your friends are extremly boring too. Enjoy the relationship whilst it lasts.
Posted by: Helena, female, 39, Director | October 2nd, 2008 at 3:49 pm | Report this comment
You are a lawyer and you would expect anyone advising you to look at this issue solely from your point of view and give you advice that would protect your interest. When you ask - Is it unfair of me to demand that she must dump her old friends if she wants a future with me? – what you really mean is - Is it possible for me to demand that she must dump her old friends if she wants a future with me and get away with it. The answer to your question is - No. If you want to hear it loud and clear – the answer is No, No, No, don’t be too stupid to try something like that. Even if your new girl friend is wildly in love with you and she agrees to your request, she will quickly become bored and move on. Even if you don’t try to get her to change, it sounds like there is a very good chance that she will get bored with you and your lawyer’s lifestyle. I would recommend that you give up as many of your boring friends and contacts as possible, become more fun loving and make friends with your girl friend’s friends to the extent possible.
Male, 34, Lawyer, London
Posted by: Vinod Joseph | October 2nd, 2008 at 4:16 pm | Report this comment
Of course its alright to ask her to do so. It IS your life and you’re only correct in ensuring that you’re happy. Her happiness is, of course, irrelevant, given that she is SO much younger than you and obviously, lacks the wisdom and perspective that your maturity gives you. You are clearly the best judge of what is good for HER, its not about you at all here. So, in HER interest, I would suggest that you go ahead and make the suggestion. Make sure you clarify that its in her interest and that the fact that her friends bore you has nothing to do with this, you’re merely trying to ensure that she develops a more intellectual, witty and interesting group of friends than the losers with sales jobs she hangs out with right now.

And then sit back and wait to watch her cry with joy when she sees what a thoughtful caring idiot she’s dating… and how she’s managed to find out before she did anything dumb - like commit to you long-term or something.

Ennar, 30, Male, Banker, New York
Posted by: Ennar | October 2nd, 2008 at 4:46 pm | Report this comment
Dear Lucy,

Please can you publish the person’s name? I think many of us would like to make sure we do not hire him.
Posted by: Haim, Male 49, Entrepreneur | October 2nd, 2008 at 4:49 pm | Report this comment
Dear Lucy

Please could you publish the name of this mans hot girl and her equally hot friends
Posted by: Stuart - FD | October 2nd, 2008 at 6:30 pm | Report this comment
How would you feel if she asked YOU to drop your boring friends? Because I’m willing to bet that’s what she’ll think of your friends after the orgy of boredom on a night out with them in your hometown. I’m a young woman, so here’s my tupence. I’ve dated older men. They are interesting, powerful, well-to-do, well-mannered and all that. But past about a seven year to ten year ago difference, it gets ropey. Witness Prince Charles and Princess Diana. She wanted to party at Annabel’s; he wanted to traipse around in Balmoral with a few close friends. Neither was right or wrong, just acting their age. Seems to me you’re trying life with a different sort of woman than you’re used to - hey, nothing wrong with that. But I think you’re deluding yourself if you think there is a long-term future with this young lady. You could be the rare exception. But not likely, given that you would even think of asking her to give up her friends. I’m 30 and I would be very hesitant to date a man of 41 only because we are in such different places in life. No offence, but it sounds like you’re just having a good old mid-life crisis. Have fun. You’ll grow out of it. I hope you do. There’s nothing more sad than the 50 year olds who hit on me!! And it’s good you haven’t knocked your ex-wife. I have a lot of respect for women older than myself who have achieved in their careers.
Posted by: Susie,30, private banking | October 2nd, 2008 at 6:42 pm | Report this comment
There really is a first time for everything. I never met anyone who went to Vegas for the conversation.

Chris 56 Male VP
Posted by: Chris J | October 2nd, 2008 at 9:28 pm | Report this comment
You should be glad that you still have a job in the first place.

Secondly, enjoy your younger hot girlfriend, it sounds much better than a 40-year old wife.

Third, what is your definition of boring? I could imagine being a model and having to hear lawyer-talk can be utherly boring. Mingle with these people! You have your work to use your brains and your time-off to enjoy life.

Finally, in the fashion industry there’s also a need for (corporate) lawyers. See this as an opportunity.
Posted by: Derek, 29, male, Online Marketeer | October 3rd, 2008 at 10:47 am | Report this comment
If those are the sorts of values and thoughts that lawyers hold then thank God I’m not in your game. You’re desperate, conceited and shallow, so what is she doing with you? (Lucy, are you sure you’re not making this up?)

Wake up and get a life with someone who is a better match for you. Like Joan Rivers.

To ask her to make sacrifices for your own happiness is selfish, short-sighted and will only invite resentment.

While you are clearly the most important thing in your world, which is not the way a relationship should be, what makes you think you are the most important thing in hers?

Go ahead and ask her to choose between you. If she has any sense, she will choose her friends over you and you will both be better off for it.
Posted by: Dr K | October 3rd, 2008 at 12:59 pm | Report this comment
If those are the sorts of values and thoughts that lawyers hold then thank God I’m not in your game. You are shallow, conceited and desperate, so what is she doing with you anyway? (Lucy, are you sure you are not making this up?)

Wake up and get a life with someone who is a better match for you. Like Joan Rivers.

To ask her to make sacrifices for your own happiness is selfish, short-sighted and will invite resentment. While you are clearly the most important thing in your world, what makes you think you are the most important thing in hers?

Go ahead and ask her to choose. If she has any sense, she will choose her friends over you and you will both be better off for it.
Posted by: Dr K | October 3rd, 2008 at 1:01 pm | Report this comment
Benjamin, 25, Investment Banking Analyst is right - you are a loser. your wife is definitely not as she had the good sense and left you and neither is your girlfriend - as she’s obviously got good cents! You’re quite clearly removed from the real world - for your own sake go out and enjoy it more!
Posted by: Georgina, 32 | October 3rd, 2008 at 1:08 pm | Report this comment
Regarding the comments made by “Posted by: Samec, 30 | October 2nd, 2008 at 11:56 am |”

am feeling totally enlightened abt my own marriage from reading this, you should start your own column!!

(For the record, I think I have a European style marriage)
Posted by: Allie, female, 27, corporate lawyer | October 3rd, 2008 at 2:36 pm | Report this comment
You personify all that is in poor taste and just wrong with city life. Dare I ask what you do have in common with your hot model girlfriend - i assume not just her appetite for money and your capacity to generate it? Did I say sex out loud? Either get on with the (short-term) boost to your self-esteem or buy some slippers and start to enjoy the finer things in life … on your own.
Posted by: Stuart, 43, Assistant Director, London | October 3rd, 2008 at 2:56 pm | Report this comment
Cheers Allie.

There was one thing I missed off. Nobody seems to have noticed that we are all think the older guy is superficial for preferring a young beautiful person to an old ugly one, but we all assume the model should and will later make the same choice herself.
Posted by: Samec, 30, young but ugly | October 3rd, 2008 at 4:11 pm | Report this comment
Recently seperated? Translation - dumped.
Oh how your wife must be laughing as she reads this in the company of her 20-something masseur.
Posted by: Chris M, London | October 3rd, 2008 at 4:17 pm | Report this comment
Should this be a genuine problem, I’m a little confused as to how a 41 year old lawyer cannot distinguish between a personal problem and a work problem. Your concern is nothing to do with the world of business. It’s solely to do with your complete lack of personal skills outside a work environment, particularly if your previous friendship circle was predominantly based on ‘who might be useful for business’.

My advice would be to stop worrying about ensuring your attractive, fun-loving girlfriend (and her friends) fits in with your seemingly dull social set and really consider whether or not you’ve got what it takes to make her happy.

For God’s sake, if you can’t find anything to entertain or amuse you in Vegas you’ve got some seriously big problems to face up to!
Posted by: Katie, 26, Media | October 3rd, 2008 at 4:56 pm | Report this comment
This is supposed to be a column about workplace woes. Not mentioning the effect all this is having on your career is a major oversight, rather like standing on a railroad crossing worrying about the falling autumn leaves while the intercity express is bearing down and blowing its horn.

Corporate lawyers are not supposed to have affairs with young models in Vegas. They are supposed to be boring, reliable, industrious, and have their eye on the ball at all times. My idea of a corporate lawyer’s weekend is a spell of grass mowing, followed by cheering on the children from the touchline, rounding off with a quick email check, dinner with old friends, and early to bed. It is not a free wheeling weekend in Vegas with a young models and a bevvy of beauties.

As I write I hear the corporate knives sharpening and your clients tut-tutting to their wives and colleagues. Unless you plead true love and marry the girl immediately you are lost. Whatever you do, don’t spend another weekend in Vegas with anybody. The most sensible move would be to marry an older woman with impeccable credentials - corporate lawyers ideally should marry plain and sensible women who do lots of charity work.

Chris J, 56, VP, Male
Posted by: Chris J | October 4th, 2008 at 11:43 am | Report this comment
Sorry to post yet again, but it seems this time to be me versus almost everyone else.

Just want to add that if we were talking, not about an age-difference couple but about a gay couple or an interracial couple then more than half of the comments here would (rightly or wrongly) have been deleted by the moderators because they are incredibly predjudiced and stereotyping.

Quite possibly the successful (and therefore presumably possessed of her own means) model has chosen the lawyer over (presumably) a lot of other younger, more attractive and equally rich men she could get, not for his money but because she actually likes to be with someone who talks about things other than clothes. Probably like most people she is multi-dimensional and needs clothes-talk time with her own friends too. The solution is not to be with each other 24-7, and for the lawyer to start seeing socialising as something other than networking.
Posted by: Samec, 30 | October 4th, 2008 at 1:16 pm | Report this comment
Many of the replies are tinged with frustration and envy, just ignore them. Your situation is like the market boom, enjoy it while it is there but keep your personal tarp handy. On the other hand, you could consider a move to fashion or entertainment law which will make Vegas, LA, models and vacuous conversation a comprehensive part of your life.
Posted by: Out of the box, 45 | October 5th, 2008 at 2:49 pm | Report this comment
Yes, it is unfair to say the least. After all, you are 41 while she is 25 and it is only fair that she not be bored (you are 41 after all and she is 25). Ages aside, a relationship where one party requires “changes” from the other party is not promising with respect to longevity.

A question for Ms. Kellaway? Did post this lawyer’s dilemna so that we might poke fun at a 41 year old professional who cannot converse in an interesting way with twenty-something hot models?

David, Lucy’s #1 Facebook Fan
Posted by: David Renaud | October 5th, 2008 at 10:41 pm | Report this comment
You find her friends boring because you are in different places. You have already done the things they like doing. It’s done. She needs to experience life. Don’t ask her to give that up. You need to find someone who is in the same place you are. There are many beautiful women in your age range in this world. If you need to be with a woman 16 years your junior who you find boring, I would suggest that you get some counseling. Hopefully, she is not with you because she thinks you have a lot of money . . .

Darla, 39, Corporate Lawyer
Posted by: Darla | October 6th, 2008 at 6:59 am | Report this comment
You can’t be happy with a hot 25-year old model, just the way she is? You would make a sorry Pygmalian - you may be shocked to hear that most folks, whether intellectuals or vivacious models, find NY corporate lawyers exceedingly dull. Get some feedback from your girlfriend ASAP as to what her friends thought of you. Learn some humility before you assume that your “friends” - i.e. those useful for you in your attempt to bring in business - are so superior to hers.
Posted by: Rob, 49, Male, Lawyer | October 6th, 2008 at 10:28 am | Report this comment
Having pulled an older ’successful’ man impresses the girlfriends shallow friends. You are being exploited.
Unless you have the breadth of mind to appreciate shallowness quit now.
Posted by: Michael | October 6th, 2008 at 1:12 pm | Report this comment
The replies are even worse!
Posted by: Peter | October 6th, 2008 at 1:51 pm | Report this comment
This is a silly question and really does not belong in the “Dear Lucy” column. Unless, of course, it is a sign that Lucy K is branching out from giving advice on just the work place and the FT is not just about finance…
Posted by: RG, 27, Female, Lawyer | October 6th, 2008 at 2:04 pm | Report this comment
I’m not sure if you’re attractive but a man of 41 is quite old to girls like us in our 20’s. Especially beautiful girls. But maybe that’s her thing? Instead of validation from men her own age she can get it from a recently divorced lawyer who is almost two decades older than her… It won’t take long for her to realise that YOUR friends are a total bore (and lacking model looks) and do you think she will ask you to dump your friends for her? No way. She will probably think about ending things and then finally do it. Believe it or not, there are gorgeous women your own age, and these women are more likely to be on the same page as you due to a lack of generation gap, the people they spend time around, and similar priorities. Then again, you sound like a selfish and insecure man - one who doesn’t deserve anyone until he gets over himself. Nice try, but move on.
Posted by: Isabella, 22, F | October 6th, 2008 at 2:58 pm | Report this comment
ANSWER: Yes.

As long as you return the favour by dumping your friends who are not young enough, whose personalities are not exciting enough and whose sartorial tastes are not classy enough for her.

POINT TO PONDER I: Why are you not in a relationship with someone ‘profound’ and ‘useful’–say, a lawyer? (ANSWER: Because those of the type find you insufferable.)

POINT TO PONDER II: Why have you yourself an insufficient number of friends who meet all your requirements–what prompts your need to compensate by making the same demand of someone else’s friends? (ANSWER: Because those of the type find you insufferable.)
Posted by: J Michael AJP Llamas, ex-private banker, 39 | October 7th, 2008 at 10:38 am | Report this comment
Yes, it is unfair of you to issue such an ultimatum or to attempt to dictate her friends unless you’re planning to orchestrate a pygmalion-esque project on a much grander scale -either for her or for yourself. You’ve chosen to date someone 16 years your junior, so see it and enjoy it for what it is — Looks? Sex? A desparately needed ego boost during your midlife crisis? — and be prepared to move on when and if you tire of that. Frankly, you are so lacking in emotional intelligence to even ask this question in the first place that I doubt you are of any real service to your clients.
Posted by: Anne, CFO, 39 | October 7th, 2008 at 12:54 pm | Report this comment
Dear Lucy,

I can’t remember having so much fun reading a column. Thankyou.

What was said banker doing out of his Vegas hotel room? I know what I’d have been doing in between hours at the tables with the young lady blowing on the dice!! Not talking believe me….

It has to be a wind-up. People like this don’t exist except on Oprah.

Thanks again
Posted by: Johnny boy, 41, Male, Money manager | October 7th, 2008 at 2:12 pm | Report this comment
Its strange that you seek meaningful conversation when surrounded by beautiful 20 year olds. What a waste. Hope she dumps you for someone who likes beer.
Posted by: Goingforabeer | October 7th, 2008 at 3:31 pm | Report this comment
hmm youve missed the point - you want this girl for someone sexy to hang off your arm in front of your mates and to remind yourself that youre not a failure, and she wants you for the same thing. she is hardly going to get rid of her friends when impressing them is the reason she is with you.
Enjoy it whie it lasts - it wont. And try to be less of a dullard.
Posted by: mel, 28, writer | October 7th, 2008 at 3:53 pm | Report this comment
Well, to be helpful, we need more facts: how did you meet, what does she see in you, how did your girlfriend and/or her friends offend you? As for the “orgy of boredom” in Vegas, spell it out - did they make you feel inadequate or merely bitter about how hard you have been grinding out billable hours as opposed to enjoying life and thriving mainly through one’s looks? From experience, may I suggest this alternative approach: be proactive, study trends in dresses, handbags and stilettos, show her you understand her profession…read the FT fashion pages at least and get your own wardrobe in order to your taste before she drags you out on a forced shopping expedition at the end of which you look like a total fool. You’re a corporate lawyer in NYC: unless you do bankruptcy and reorganisations, you may have some more free time in the next few years - use it wisely and enjoy your relationship, it will be fleeting.
Posted by: Robert, 41, Male, lawyer and aspiring writer | October 7th, 2008 at 5:22 pm | Report this comment
No need to do anything. It won’t be long before the penny drops and she decides to dump you.

Paul, 56, Male, CEO
Posted by: Paul | October 7th, 2008 at 8:50 pm | Report this comment
Is this even a real question? What an idiot.
Posted by: Beau | October 7th, 2008 at 8:56 pm | Report this comment
Dear Lawyer 41,

I’m a 23 year old i-banker, quite junior, but nevertheless. Guess what: I dated my personal trainer for a while, a guy who happens to be 35. His friends were, frankly, rather shallow. Could I stand it? Yes. Was it good networking? Depends: His buddies were quite cute. So, for professional networking, her crowd might be a waste of time. If you’re looking for potential lovers - hanging out with the beautiful people is the thing to do. Desire is not to be resisted. Think less, mr lawyer 41!

Sue, banker, 23
Posted by: Sue Ukela | October 8th, 2008 at 8:51 am | Report this comment
Your girlfriend is entitled to have her own friends. If you find them shallow that’s your problem. I suspect she has known them longer than she has known you. Perhaps it is she who should dump you
Posted by: Anthony Blacker | October 8th, 2008 at 9:43 am | Report this comment
Pull yourself together, man. Install her in a flat and go round there when needs must. That way you avoid her airhead friends except if you fancy a threesome.
Posted by: Gwilym Rhys-Jones | October 8th, 2008 at 10:12 am | Report this comment
poor sod. I’ve got a suggestion for you. Move to Hong Kong. There are a plethora of podgy, 40+ eternal bachelors in high-flying jobs walking around with young arm candy. Come for a drink up on Elgin St in Soho, I’ll introduce you to plenty of male pilots, lawyers and bankers that will guide you on how to lead a lifestyle of debauchery with women many years your junior.

For my professional posse of girlfriends and I — people like you provide us with hours of entertainment. There is nothing so obtusely unattractive and pathetic than a man who needs to boost his ego by dating someone at the opposite end of the scale, in terms of age, intelligence and financial independence. It shows a weakness of character.

I know divorce sucks, but don’t become a forlorn conclusion. It’s old news.

Good luck to you.
Posted by: seen it all before of HK | October 8th, 2008 at 2:39 pm | Report this comment
This sounds like more of an opportunity than a problem - buy a hot tub!
Posted by: Finn, Oslo | October 8th, 2008 at 3:15 pm | Report this comment
Jesus, sweet Lord, is it really a problem or is it a young geek with acne behind the comp asking a stupid question like this out of boredom and taking my precious time???

If none of above is the issue, then you must be a shallow, stupid and horrendously selfish person.

Why on earth would you rather be with someone young, beautiful AND boring & stupid (remember when complaining about her company/friends: birds of a feather flock together!!!!!!) if you were not an arrogant MF loaded with cash (and probably some friend Charlie under your nose)??

If you were a decent person, you would still be with your unappeased ex-wife, who probably works hard and is now old and unuseful to you as she has some extra wrinkles around her eyes.

I simply despise guys like you and think you should be kicked right in the balls.

Of course I am just an angry, frustrated sad old cow at my 36 comparing to your 25 year (or whatever) supermodel so don’t take me too seriously. Even if I have the brain and am a very entertaining and funny person and she isn’t.

Why don’t you just use her for a sole purpose she was best made for: to take off her panties and spread her longer-than-life shimmering bronze legs?

You deserve all the shame and boredom you get in her company, you stupid jerk.
Posted by: tsunami, 36, journalist | October 8th, 2008 at 5:40 pm | Report this comment
Yeah I would tell her, so hshe can see that you’re a control freak and she can look for something better!
Posted by: Jonthan | October 8th, 2008 at 6:49 pm | Report this comment
In the 1980s, I read a wise saying.
I think it was in a book on Self-Esteem by Gloria Steinem:

It is easier to make a friend into a lover, than it is to make a lover into a friend.

- William
Age 59, male, Adm. Asst.
Posted by: William | October 15th, 2008 at 3:17 pm | Report this comment
your question is amazing- then I read what you did and realised you were serious.

What a sad fellow you must be.
Posted by: Michael Reid | October 16th, 2008 at 1:16 pm | Report this comment
Well I’m 50 and a senior manager in the public sector and although I don’t really have any friends to speak of, I’m very happy thank you with my lovely wife who is 27, a brilliant lawyer expecting our first child together, and has extremely entertaining girlfriends.

So provided you’re not too greedy, it really is possible to have your cake and eat it.
Posted by: Happy Hunter | October 16th, 2008 at 3:47 pm | Report this comment
I’ve got a fairly similar problem - I’m 35, a fairly successful banker (knock on the wood), my wife is 11 years my junior (housewife) and she’s bored to death with most of my friends and vice versa. A cynical answer - since my friends and I go to much fancier places than her friends do, she prefers that we hang out with my friends. When she goes out with hers I skip and enjoy solitude.
Posted by: Victor | October 17th, 2008 at 7:02 am | Report this comment
I am 56. Up to the 1991/93 manufacturing recession I was a fast track, well rewarded (but not enough ) high acheiver. Since then I have been a struggling consultant in contrast to the tens of thousands of senior managers of the time who became failing consultants. So I am not a gloriously succesful (of course due to personal skill) rich banker. After a divorce following 25 years of marriage - 20 waiting for the children to grow - I set off to find a 45ish woman involving in business consulting either in the UK or Russia where I do business. My observation is that women as young as 40 have lost all their confidence about men. This is even more the case in the UK than in Russia despite the greater focus on appearance of Russian women. Instead of treating you as a contemptous supplicant and humiliating you at every turn, these women panic and run away. It is much easier to start a relationship with younger women, the better looking, more acomplished and intelligent she is the easier it is. (Or have I changed. I no longer care what women think about me compared to my underpaid 25 year old self?). I have ended up with a 28 year old professional dancer. She found me. Cancers are not known for intellectualism. I love to listen to her friends talking. They offer a completely different perspective on life. A life where appearance and style and physical capabilities matter not just intellectual capacity. She thinks they are all obsessed with appearance and wants to talk about ethics, morals, religion and politics. I think that they are great. It takes all sorts to make a world and they all have something to say or perhaps do/emote/pose in the case of physical people. I just can’t believe my luck when I wake up.
Posted by: Consultant | October 17th, 2008 at 5:58 pm | Report this comment
Your wife must be laughing all the way to the bank! The next time you feel the urge to do something as stupid, I suggest you empty the ice-bucket down your shorts and think twice about it.
Posted by: M Woolf | October 20th, 2008 at 4:45 pm | Report this comment
Mr. Woolf, Don’t forget I am laughing too.
Posted by: Consultant | October 20th, 2008 at 5:03 pm | Report this comment
Dear Lucy,

This was the most stupid, shallow, and (worse of all) predictable advice I have heard from you in a while. My boyfriend is 22 years older when me, and is a successful Investment Banker (I am in Marketing). We are absolutely happy together, and are looking forward to many years of fun and excitement ahead of us.

Lawyer, please decide if your feelings are true and you love your girl. Nothing else really matters.

Lucy, please get a life.
Posted by: Coati, 28, Head of Marketing | October 21st, 2008 at 9:51 am | Report this comment
A wise old American columnist, Walter Winchell, could have told you: “Get it while you’re hot, kid, because you stay cold a long, long time.”
You’re aging out of the hot stage at 41, and you don’t have much time left to sow what’s left of the wild oats. Your sweet young thing will stay hot for several more years, and you think she’ll still find you interesting? Crawl back to your wife if she’ll have you; she’s in your age group. Enjoy the cold years together.
Posted by: Wes Pedersen, Washington, DC | October 25th, 2008 at 5:04 pm | Report this comment
I guess you might be bold and have a bulging gut, imagine not being with her - kiss her and tell her that she inspires you. have babies and thank god that they dont look anything like you.;
Posted by: Roshni | October 30th, 2008 at 10:16 pm | Report this comment
You were in Vegas with your model girlfriend? Did she charge by the hour or the night? You can’t possibly be serious!
Posted by: Student of History | November 1st, 2008 at 7:11 am | Report this comment
Dear Lucy. I suspect you made this one up as no real male would be so shallow.
Posted by: Gary, Age 49, Process Engineer, New Zealand | November 4th, 2008 at 12:37 am | Report this comment
This man is a fantasist or a narcissist. Either way advice is wasted on him

Haward
53
Male
Contracts Director
Posted by: haward | November 11th, 2008 at 10:19 am | Report this comment
Samec and Gwilym Rhys-Jones,

These are the guys you should listen to. But, be careful. Ask for her hand in marriage. She’ll produce nice kids. Before you marry her, put all your assets in a trust fund. So if she tries to clean you out, you’ll be the one laughing ha ha.
Posted by: In Light of Nihilism | November 12th, 2008 at 4:53 pm | Report this comment
“to dump or not to dump”
is this the question?
haha :)… what a wonderful way to while away a sunday morning, musing over this dilemma… (even spreading into afternoon)… and in these days of such hard economic times, there couldn’t be a more deserving topic in the FT!

“lawyer” got his wish(s)… being published… bragging about his aquisition…. a subliminal message to “ex” (the meaning of which, only she can evaluate)… judged public opinion (of him, not the “friends”)… and “lucy” did her bit.. provoked some controversy, stoked the fire…. so to speak.

my guess is “lawyer” is having a good laugh with his cronies, and now has plenty for next dinner party. (i wasn’t born a cynic… honest!

as for the “subject” matter… can u imagine a sharp, successful lawyer asking a(ny) question, that he doesn’t already have the answer to?

my opinion… having been there, got the tee-shirt, etc (twice)…. the relationship with “model” will last a little longer, if she is left with her friends… they will support her choice much more so than “lawyer” friends will support his. “carpe diem” … as they used to say in Rome….
Posted by: john | November 16th, 2008 at 2:20 pm | Report this comment