Exclusive: Labour letters to Mrs Pratt

We’ve examined Briton’s greatest top 10 historical characters – as voted for by the British public – and no fewer than six were bullies, by our calculations. Gordon Brown can rest assured.

Meanwhile here are some letters we stumbled upon today: Can’t vouch for their authenticity.

To the National Bullying Helpline.

Dear Mrs Pratt,

I trust I can count on your discretion. I need your assistance because I am being bullied left, right and centre by powerful people.

Alistair Darling described me as “the forces of hell.” The Daily Telegraph called me “Mad Dog and McPoison”. Stephen Byers said I was “aggressive and hostile” while one blogger, Devil’s Kitchen, called me a “loathsome, lying…poisonous little moron.”

I feel really put upon. I’ve even had it in the neck from Boris Johnson, mayor of London, who called me the “slug on the milk bottle” and a “lately exploded pustule.”

I hope you can help me in my hour of need.

sincerely

Damian McBride

To the National Bullying Helpline

Dear Mrs Pratt,

Didn’t you get my last letter? I thought you might have done something by now.

It’s Charlie Whelan, from Unite. Remember me? I thought you might. I complained that I was getting picked on by journalists and Tories and Tory journalists. Even my own side are at it – I’m getting abuse from the Chancellor of the Exchequer for Christ’s sake.

When are you going to get off your backside and sort this out? I don’t want to have to kick sand in your face.

sincerely

Charlie Whelan

To the National Bullying Helpline

Dear Mrs Pratt

This is my last reminder.

I’m just trying to go about my daily business, opening new schools, raising standards, making Britain better, that sort kind of thing. And then I get journalists making out I’m unpleasant and suggesting that somehow I “controlled” the monstrous Damian McBride.

You better help me if you know what’s good for you. I know you’re a Tory – those pearls are a dead giveaway.

This is the last time I’m going to warn you. If you don’t get these bullies off my back I’m going to give you a Chinese burn. Or a wedgie. I might even have to flush your head down the loo.

Sincerely

Ed Balls